swert

I went to the b-day party today with the kids. I ate, I ate ;-) and I ate. I love to eat when somebody else cooks. So I was looking at all the other people, couples, children and I'm thinking to myself: "I was trying to be a good person, I did couple crazy things but nothing more than average. I had this little piece of heaven, a man, my place to live, three kids. I was trying to settle down and just be happy. And what happened!!! Why me on earth?
(I know what you can say: well, you've seen it coming, didn't happen over the night, you've seen him before, etc.). It's so sad, that no matter who we are, where are we at, what are we doing it just gets us. It haunts us forever. We are the person who agreed for marriage or other commitment. We said yes.
We didn't cause it but why it's here with us. Is there any sense in it, any lecture for us, any wisdom? Are we suppose to take the best knowledge from the experience for our future life?
Well, just couple thoughts for a racing head ;-))).

Still Waters

As difficult as my situation is right now, I am still grateful for the very painful yet profoundly important lesson I've learned from living with an alcoholic and addict.

I am able to see the gifts I've been given in this life much clearer, the gifts that every one of us are given every single day of our lives. The fact that I can make choices, that I can steer my own boat so to speak.

newgirl77

I know that feeling - the panic, racing thoughts and adrenaline rush. i also know how it feels to look around and feel like everyone else is in a happy, safe marriage to a reliable, honest and loving husband. But by being honest with my friends and family about my own unhappiness, i've discovered that every marriage has its own issues and troubles. They may not be of the same magnitude, but no one around you is experiencing perfection all the time. One of my friends always reminds me that it's not what happens to you that determines your future - it's how you respond to what happens to you. If all else fails, read a book - any book. Give your mind a break!

swert

I read books all the time ;-)
I forgot to write that of course we look at all the other people they may seem happy and nobody knows what happens behind closed door but sometimes it just hurts.

newgirl77

I know. It hurts a lot.

blessed4x

Why not me? I doubt that there are many people walking this planet that are stronger than those of us who have lived with an A. If I could get myself from where I was a year ago to where I am now, I say there's no stopping me.

I try not to see the grass as greener on the other side, because I know I've had enough fertilizer on mine to be the most beautiful in the neighborhood!

Elpis

What a good way to look at it blessed! I used to be a optimistic cheerful person but lately I have been so negative. I'm just going to start telling myself every day that the things happening are just fertilizer to help me grow!

blessed4x

Fertilizer is exactly what it is! I have not always been this positive. Six months ago I felt imprisoned to live with a verbally abusive, manipulative, cheating A for the rest of my life. I would read the posts of others here and think, "yeah, that's nice, but they aren't me".

When I started getting myself help through Alanon and counseling, things initially got worse (because I wasn't doing the dance with him anymore), then oh so much better.

rae33

I love this way of thinking and it is just what I need to hear right now as I am just starting to sort out all the 'fertilizer' I've been dealing with for oh so long... THANK YOU!

TakingCharge999

rae you can do it !!!!!

MaryUK

I keep feeling so STUPID for getting myself into my situation. I don't blame myself for my husband's drinking at all, I realise that is his problem. BUT why didn't I realise what a problem it was sooner??!!! I'm NOT stupid - I used to be quite bright. But somehow the years slipped by and I'm married to someone I think is an alcoholic. So, I must be stupid. Round and round the thinking goes. Why would I do that? And why would I inflict that on my children? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

How do you stop your brain from going round and round in circles? Sometimes I literally feel my brain is buzzing with the effort!!

I keep thinking this isn't how I imagined my life would be. I look at couples out together with their kids when I'm out alone with mine, and think "why me?". I feel so sad, angry, resentful, envious, lonely, ashamed, confused. All bad, bad emotions.

Sorry - ranting now!

bookwyrm

Mary, I'm angry with myself too. I too think I was an idiot to stay so long.

But, hindsight is 20/20. I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't have this forum. I hadn't read up on alcoholism. Somehow, I felt that this was 'normal'. Love would cure him. I was sooo wrong!!

Just as the alcoholic has to reach their bottom, so do us codies. Some of us, for some reason or other, take a lot longer to get there! I had to go through what I did in order to get to the point where I would reach out for help, to discover that my life wasn't 'normal', that I did deserve more. I'm very stubbon sometimes...

I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards myself. If someone I knew came and told me my story as theirs I wouldn't feel angry with them! I'm not superwoman - I have to remember I'm only human, I did what I did and there is no changing it. Why do I expect more from myself than I would from anyone else? Being angry at myself is just causing me more pain and is holding me back from moving on with my life. Now that I kind of have it worked out in my head, I have to wait till my emotions catch up!

Living with an alcoholic has had a profound effect on me. It has changed me so much. I've lost a lot of my own denial and wishful thinking. I've hit rock bottom. But I have now discovered the tools to make effective changes in my life that I doubt I would have come across otherwise. So I guess there is some good to come out of it!

FreeBird09

During a conversation with my new 'friend' the other day we discussed my AXBF addictions and my portion of the thought process was 'how did I get so twisted up in all of this', me a smart, witty, lovable woman and I trapped myself in the perpetual cycle with this man. I expressed my embarrassment and my 'friend' just said, don't be embarrassed sometimes we choose people out of necessity and find ourselves in a no win situation. After a year out of the relationship, I can see where I choose out of necessity to be a couple with my high school sweetheart overlooking the reality of the situation.

I too look around and see the happy couples holding hands, enjoying the day and cringe a little. I then remind myself that I would rather be sitting there alone then dealing with the roller coaster ride of alcoholism.

I am in a much better place today, although I never thought I would 'arrive'.

lovtolaff

Believe this. I too feel this way about WHY did I put up with him? I appreciate even the smallest thing in my life now.

AMEN!! Living with and leaving an alcoholic has made me realize just how strong of a woman I really am...and also made me realize I am a pretty amazing gal - someone is LUCKY TO HAVE ME.

"profound effect" is an understatement huh? Yes it does change you - to the CORE!!

pixilation

See, I wonder why I didn't leave while he was deployed, either time. Both times I planned on it to a degree, but never actually did it. Now, I regret that, because it would've been so much easier then me leaving now(which I'm planning on doing sometime in the next 6 weeks or so)