Getting Out - need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
Getting Out - need advice
All -
After a very difficult first year of marriage to an alcoholic, I have decided to file for divorce. This painful decision comes after several stints at rehab and too many lies and relapses to count. Everything I'm reading here rings so true, and it is such a blessing to know I'm not the first person to be here. I had never been around an alcoholic and did not recognize the red flags before we were married. My husband is so handsome, smart, funny and charming - and he's unreliable, dishonest and prone to hide vodka in every nook and cranny of our house. He is always full of excuses as to why his life/career etc haven't turned out the way they should. His disappointments become reasons to drink and the drinking causes more disappointment, He moved out at my request and back in with his parents a month ago (he lost his job early in our marriage). He disappeared for a week and has just finally shown back up at his parents' promising again that it's different this time. I want to serve him the papers and get them signed while he's locatable and seemingly sober and logical - but I don't know the best way to approach it. His family does NOT want to see us divorced, and I don't blame them. I have "taken care of him" for a year and to them he has been seemingly happy with me. I know that I don't have a choice and my family is in full support - but I really want to approach this in the most gentle and non-damaging way possible. We don't have children or any joint property or debt, so in theory this should be pretty simple. But.. I know with an alcoholic things are rarely simple. Any advice on a kind way to end this marriage? He seems to be under the impression that our separation is temporary despite my insistance otherwise. He's insistant that he loves me, can't live without me, has no reason to live etc. I guess what I'm really afraid of is that I'll serve him the papers and he'll disappear again and self destruct (his pattern is to check into a hotel and binge drink for days). I don't want to carry that guilt or accept blame from his family. As I type this I know I can't control him - but I'm still terrified.
After a very difficult first year of marriage to an alcoholic, I have decided to file for divorce. This painful decision comes after several stints at rehab and too many lies and relapses to count. Everything I'm reading here rings so true, and it is such a blessing to know I'm not the first person to be here. I had never been around an alcoholic and did not recognize the red flags before we were married. My husband is so handsome, smart, funny and charming - and he's unreliable, dishonest and prone to hide vodka in every nook and cranny of our house. He is always full of excuses as to why his life/career etc haven't turned out the way they should. His disappointments become reasons to drink and the drinking causes more disappointment, He moved out at my request and back in with his parents a month ago (he lost his job early in our marriage). He disappeared for a week and has just finally shown back up at his parents' promising again that it's different this time. I want to serve him the papers and get them signed while he's locatable and seemingly sober and logical - but I don't know the best way to approach it. His family does NOT want to see us divorced, and I don't blame them. I have "taken care of him" for a year and to them he has been seemingly happy with me. I know that I don't have a choice and my family is in full support - but I really want to approach this in the most gentle and non-damaging way possible. We don't have children or any joint property or debt, so in theory this should be pretty simple. But.. I know with an alcoholic things are rarely simple. Any advice on a kind way to end this marriage? He seems to be under the impression that our separation is temporary despite my insistance otherwise. He's insistant that he loves me, can't live without me, has no reason to live etc. I guess what I'm really afraid of is that I'll serve him the papers and he'll disappear again and self destruct (his pattern is to check into a hotel and binge drink for days). I don't want to carry that guilt or accept blame from his family. As I type this I know I can't control him - but I'm still terrified.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Trying to crystal ball the future will only stress you out newgirl. You need to do what you need to do, for you. The nice way to do it, is simply to be nice about it. No need to state, "I'm divorcing your drunk unreliable a$$" right? Just a quiet and calm, "I'm done" works.
You don't even have to give any reason to his family, it's really none of their business.
You don't even have to give any reason to his family, it's really none of their business.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
And, your attorney will have the papers sent to your AH, you don't need to see him for that. From the point that you hire an attorney, they can act as a go between, which might help you out.
I know I'm not going to have any contact with my AH when the time comes, if I can help it.
I know I'm not going to have any contact with my AH when the time comes, if I can help it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
The less emotion, the better. The less contact, the better for both of you. Try not to worry about what will happen to him... you'll need to focus on you. Keep your eye on the end goal, and try not to sweat the details in the middle.
It's refreshing to read about someone who saw the circumstances early on... before obligations, responsibilities, and children and has decided to move forward to a healthier place.
Lastly, don't have any guilt feelings about getting out. You are not responsible for him or his choices - and going is not going to alter his outcome. That is up to him. Only him.
I wish you peace.
It's refreshing to read about someone who saw the circumstances early on... before obligations, responsibilities, and children and has decided to move forward to a healthier place.
Lastly, don't have any guilt feelings about getting out. You are not responsible for him or his choices - and going is not going to alter his outcome. That is up to him. Only him.
I wish you peace.
vicariousrising
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 35
My heart goes out to you. I wish I had a brilliant piece of advice for you, but I don't think there will be any smooth path ahead. I asked my first husband for a divorce only 8 months after we married. It wasn't because either of us was abusive or alcoholic or cheating. I simply married too young, felt smothered and had not really been in that sort of love with him even before we tied the knot.
However, he was a little more invested in the relationship, and I have to say, I handled the split badly in my efforts to try to make it an easier break up. I wanted him to want the divorce like I did, and I pushed him in a very immature way. I know that is not what you are talking about, but what I am trying to say is that I would call our divorce very amicable. No kids, no joint property and he didn't even hire a lawyer or come to court the day it was granted. He was and I think still (17 years later) angry with me. For a long time I wished he and I could be friends, but it wasn't to be; the end of major relationships is usually very difficult.
All that said, my decision was 100 percent right for me, and I have not looked back on it once with regret except for wishing that I'd had the courage to call the wedding off (but that's my whole boring story). My life has been far better for getting out of the wrong relationship. I still had several huge potholes to fall into in the subsequent years, but I didn't get weighed down in them with a person who was not good for me, no matter how much we cared for each other.
I'm very glad to hear you have the support of your family. Surrounding yourself with people who are nurturing and loving will help you through. It sounds like your lawyer has excellent advice as well. Take it easy on yourself and be the good person it sounds like you are. It will all come out alright in the end.
However, he was a little more invested in the relationship, and I have to say, I handled the split badly in my efforts to try to make it an easier break up. I wanted him to want the divorce like I did, and I pushed him in a very immature way. I know that is not what you are talking about, but what I am trying to say is that I would call our divorce very amicable. No kids, no joint property and he didn't even hire a lawyer or come to court the day it was granted. He was and I think still (17 years later) angry with me. For a long time I wished he and I could be friends, but it wasn't to be; the end of major relationships is usually very difficult.
All that said, my decision was 100 percent right for me, and I have not looked back on it once with regret except for wishing that I'd had the courage to call the wedding off (but that's my whole boring story). My life has been far better for getting out of the wrong relationship. I still had several huge potholes to fall into in the subsequent years, but I didn't get weighed down in them with a person who was not good for me, no matter how much we cared for each other.
I'm very glad to hear you have the support of your family. Surrounding yourself with people who are nurturing and loving will help you through. It sounds like your lawyer has excellent advice as well. Take it easy on yourself and be the good person it sounds like you are. It will all come out alright in the end.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Newgirl: Hi and welcome!
I was not married to my xabf, but I understand where you are coming from. My story is no different than yours except the paper and the rings. THe family stuff really hits home for my. When I left my xabf, his brother emailed and offered to help us work it out. Then his parents called to say they were sorry about his behavior. I took him back only to be back on the roller coaster. Keep walking away. He doesn't have to be your problem. He actually doesn't have to be theirs, but they chose to let him be. As for my xabf's, they continue, at least last time we spoke months ago, to give him money, help pay his rent, etc., and even bought his controlled drinking enough to drink with him.
I would let your attorney handle everything. You really don't ever have to see him face to face if you don't want to.
Good luck and keep posting!!!
I was not married to my xabf, but I understand where you are coming from. My story is no different than yours except the paper and the rings. THe family stuff really hits home for my. When I left my xabf, his brother emailed and offered to help us work it out. Then his parents called to say they were sorry about his behavior. I took him back only to be back on the roller coaster. Keep walking away. He doesn't have to be your problem. He actually doesn't have to be theirs, but they chose to let him be. As for my xabf's, they continue, at least last time we spoke months ago, to give him money, help pay his rent, etc., and even bought his controlled drinking enough to drink with him.
I would let your attorney handle everything. You really don't ever have to see him face to face if you don't want to.
Good luck and keep posting!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
His family does NOT want to see us divorced
The good news for us is that we dont give a damn about his family, or him for that matter, we only care about YOU
its a tough spot for sure but I like your resolve, also remember "it could have been worse" with kids, property, $$$$$$, hope this is over soon!!!!! keep us posted. hugs!
The good news for us is that we dont give a damn about his family, or him for that matter, we only care about YOU
its a tough spot for sure but I like your resolve, also remember "it could have been worse" with kids, property, $$$$$$, hope this is over soon!!!!! keep us posted. hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
You have learned so much in a very short time about the futility of trying to hold on to a relationship with someone so deeply addicted. Your decision seems very wise and well thought out. The more complex the ties of children, custody, and property is ... just makes the decision to leave so much more complicated. I learned this from years of experience.
If his family doesn't already realize how troubled he is ... at the stage he is at, they will probably find out soon enough. For me, having my AH's family's support was important ... as we had children and my in-laws would always be a part of our family. It took them a while to catch on to how serious his attraction to alcohol had become since they lived so far away ... but in time there were so many incidents and bizarre behavior they could no longer deny the severity of his problem. In turned out, they had wondered why I had stayed with him so long.
Many times staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic will accomplish nothing more than prolonging the pain for both parties. If he hasn't stopped drinking with all the chances you have given him, it is highly likely that staying will do anything except just add years of unhappiness and do little to stop the progression of this addiction. It has been documented over and over again that spouses cannot make their partners stop drinking. Allowing an alcoholic to face the unfiltered reality and the consequences of their choices can be the catalyst needed for their recovery. Addiction has its own set of rules unlike other relationship problems - we can't treat addiction the same way we would in giving TLC for a bad case of the flu or leaving dirty socks on the floor. The addiction will always come first, defying all the heartache, pain, reason and logic ... no matter how much they say they love us, we will end up a distant second .... addiction is so much more powerful than we are.
Our involvement will do little to improve their self imposed destruction...but it will most certainly facilitate our own. It is his choice to stay in this self destructive life ... and it will be his choice to change it for the better. It's his call - it's his choice.
If I ever had to advise my children on what to do should they become seriously involved with an alcoholic, before they had complex entanglements of children and property ... my advise would be to let their significant other know that they cared about them, wish them well .... and then say good-bye. It could be the kindest thing they ever do .... for the both of them.
If his family doesn't already realize how troubled he is ... at the stage he is at, they will probably find out soon enough. For me, having my AH's family's support was important ... as we had children and my in-laws would always be a part of our family. It took them a while to catch on to how serious his attraction to alcohol had become since they lived so far away ... but in time there were so many incidents and bizarre behavior they could no longer deny the severity of his problem. In turned out, they had wondered why I had stayed with him so long.
Many times staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic will accomplish nothing more than prolonging the pain for both parties. If he hasn't stopped drinking with all the chances you have given him, it is highly likely that staying will do anything except just add years of unhappiness and do little to stop the progression of this addiction. It has been documented over and over again that spouses cannot make their partners stop drinking. Allowing an alcoholic to face the unfiltered reality and the consequences of their choices can be the catalyst needed for their recovery. Addiction has its own set of rules unlike other relationship problems - we can't treat addiction the same way we would in giving TLC for a bad case of the flu or leaving dirty socks on the floor. The addiction will always come first, defying all the heartache, pain, reason and logic ... no matter how much they say they love us, we will end up a distant second .... addiction is so much more powerful than we are.
Our involvement will do little to improve their self imposed destruction...but it will most certainly facilitate our own. It is his choice to stay in this self destructive life ... and it will be his choice to change it for the better. It's his call - it's his choice.
If I ever had to advise my children on what to do should they become seriously involved with an alcoholic, before they had complex entanglements of children and property ... my advise would be to let their significant other know that they cared about them, wish them well .... and then say good-bye. It could be the kindest thing they ever do .... for the both of them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This is a situation where it's important to be very clear about your long-term outlook and give no mixed messages about the possibility of reconciliation.
When faced with losing their primary enabler, alcoholics will often work very hard to regain the enabler. Sometimes they engage in magical thinking, imagining cues that their enabler "wants them back," or they become stalking or abusive. In all three cases, it's imperative that if you are making a clean and final break, that you don't confuse being kind and compassionate toward him with giving him mixed messages. This is where it's handy to let the atty do all the contacts and you just stay in the background, remaining No Contact yourself.
Just my two cents, since your post asked for advice.
You will look back and thank yourself, but probably never know the extent of misery you are sparing yourself and your future life, and possibly the lives of your future children. I congratulate you on your ability to make healthy choices for your life.
With encouragement,
CLMI
When faced with losing their primary enabler, alcoholics will often work very hard to regain the enabler. Sometimes they engage in magical thinking, imagining cues that their enabler "wants them back," or they become stalking or abusive. In all three cases, it's imperative that if you are making a clean and final break, that you don't confuse being kind and compassionate toward him with giving him mixed messages. This is where it's handy to let the atty do all the contacts and you just stay in the background, remaining No Contact yourself.
Just my two cents, since your post asked for advice.
You will look back and thank yourself, but probably never know the extent of misery you are sparing yourself and your future life, and possibly the lives of your future children. I congratulate you on your ability to make healthy choices for your life.
With encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
Thank you all so much. As black and white as the situation seems even to me - that resolve can be slippery and hard to hold onto. Divorce papers came from the lawyer today - we'll serve him next week. His dad says he's sober, so maybe he'll sign and we'll part peacefully. I want it behind me - and I hope the end of our relationship will contribute in some way to his future health and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
newgirl,
Now is the time for you to do this....I have been married 26 years, 4 children, and am facing the same decision. You are doing the right thing. Your decision to leave him may be just what he needs to save his life.
Now is the time for you to do this....I have been married 26 years, 4 children, and am facing the same decision. You are doing the right thing. Your decision to leave him may be just what he needs to save his life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
newgirl regardless of what he decides to do, he can either seek help, keep drinking the same amount, or drink even more than before. regardless of what he chooses, you did all you could.
once i was crying in an AA meeting and a recovered alcoholic told me "you did all you could. you held his hand" thats all anyone of us can do for them.
when you worry about him place him in the hands of God/hp. put yourself in His hands too. a loss is always a loss. and it hurts to say goodbye to someone you shared good times with. mourn, learn, talk to us and use all your resources .you'll be ok - that is what matters to us.
once i was crying in an AA meeting and a recovered alcoholic told me "you did all you could. you held his hand" thats all anyone of us can do for them.
when you worry about him place him in the hands of God/hp. put yourself in His hands too. a loss is always a loss. and it hurts to say goodbye to someone you shared good times with. mourn, learn, talk to us and use all your resources .you'll be ok - that is what matters to us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Newgirl, so glad you are doing what is right for you.
I know that when I broke up with xabf, his family, with whom I was very close, were not happy about it. While I think that is partially because they liked me, I think in some ways, it took a lot of pressure off of them to have someone like me bearing the brunt of the codependency. If he was with a "good girl" like me, he must not have that much of a problem, right? But with me out of the picture, I suspect they knew they would once again be forced to look at him, and he would once again become "their" problem.
Stay strong and keep believing in yourself - you're doing great.
at2
I know that when I broke up with xabf, his family, with whom I was very close, were not happy about it. While I think that is partially because they liked me, I think in some ways, it took a lot of pressure off of them to have someone like me bearing the brunt of the codependency. If he was with a "good girl" like me, he must not have that much of a problem, right? But with me out of the picture, I suspect they knew they would once again be forced to look at him, and he would once again become "their" problem.
Stay strong and keep believing in yourself - you're doing great.
at2
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