How can I not loose my mind? (Hi... I'm new)

Old 07-28-2009, 12:56 PM
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Unhappy How can I not loose my mind? (Hi... I'm new)

Hi, I just came across this forum and I'm so thankful for it. I hope you all can help me hop onto the road to letting go and recovering from this roller coaster of a relationship I'm in. Maybe help me to not loose my mind because I'm getting there. Looking from the outside friends keep telling me to just let go, but its not that easy. It's like I have an addiction as well, an addiction to being there, helping or trying to help at least.

My ex boyfriend who is also one of my closest friends is an Alcoholic. Every time he drinks he turns into a monster, says things that are so hurtful that now I dread seeing his name pop up on my phone because I know I will have to deal with his venomous words.. Its absolutely impossible to talk or reason with him. There have been times where I thought it was all my fault, I've never dealt with anyone like this before. I thought I was in the wrong, causing him to snap the way he does. He gets kind of aggressive (not abusive just his demeanor changes). For some reason when ever he drinks he runs to me, he has to come straight to my house or if he is too far he will call and text me like a lunatic. Screaming, crying, yelling, cursing, calling me names and I can't take it. Anything I have ever done comes up when he's drunk. He is unstoppable. I love him to death but I feel like I'm at my wits end, I don't know how long I can deal with him or how long I can try to focus on the good times. He gets suicidal also and I'm just sick of it because once the alcohol fades he is back to his old self, begging me for forgiveness, wanting things to be back the way they were and I forgive but forgetting is hard when its a repeated cycle EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and sometimes even on weekdays. This morning had to be the worst blowup ever, he takes the smallest things and turns them into something huge. He wants to know where I am, who I'm talking with and what we are talking about. I'm not allowed to sleep and ignore his calls, I'm not allowed to answer another line, I'm not allowed to be at work without calling him, I can't even talk to someone who's in my background without him hanging up angrily and calling back screaming and hollering about how dare I talk to someone next to me when he is on the phone. On the one morning I wasn't working he called me from three in the morning untill about seven. Twenty seven time! It's always about Who I'm with and why. I just... don't know how to deal with this anymore. I feel as though my life isn't my own! We discuss the issues we have and cries telling me it won't stop because he loves me too much.

I'm trying to be strong and stick by his side in this obviously hard situation and I feel like I'm being selfish if I drop him as a friend but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I don't even know what I'm asking right now all I know is I need help.

I've tried my best to help him get better, he's twenty six with no job and no interest in getting one. He studied to be a paramedic and graduated top of his class but he's too caught up in all of his drinking and he's letting his passion be over taken by the poison. He can't keep money, when ever he gets any its blown on drinks and these pills that elongate his drunken state and afterward he complains about how he doesn't have any money to pay for his car or other necessities like food. I know that this is a disease and not something that he can just stop automatically but how can I get him some help when he has no interest in getting better? He knows that his family will forgive him no matter what so he has no real will to change. His friends are just like him as well.

How can I not loose my mind?

He called me a little while ago screaming at me saying he needs to see me and that he will come by, I'm scared. He sounded a bit different but I know if I don't see him that something bad will happen. How do I let go of this man? I'm sick of it all, I just want to be happy and go on with my life. I also noticed that his fuse is even shorter when he is sober as if the alcohol is leaving a lasting effect on him. I don't know for sure but that's what it seems like.

He is causing me so much misery, why can't I just let go. Am I sick in the head or something? Hell...
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Old 07-28-2009, 01:17 PM
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Hi cheeto,

It appears that you are just as addicted to him -- to his drama, to being his savior, to this (forgive me) twisted version of what a 'good friend' is supposed to do -- as he is to alcohol.

It's okay. We've all ridden that crazy train.

The astonishing thing is that you can step off the crazy train any time you want. Honest you can...it's like a prison without doors. But there's a catch: First you have to want to be happy MORE than you want to save him from his own lousy choices. Just like he'd have to detox from his drug of choice, you'd have to be serious enough to detox from him.

Do you really want to put your life first? Are you ready to do that? What are you getting out of this situation, besides having every aspect of your life invaded by someone who is perfectly capable of getting help for himself, but refuses to do so?

A good start on this road might be to read through the Stickie posts at the very top of the forum, and you will see that his behavior is very, very, very common for an alcoholic who has a willing person enabling him. He has no reason to change. Why should he? He has you at his beck and call, jerking you back and forth whenever he wants.

Al-Anon meetings have helped a lot of folks too, to see their part in the rollercoaster of chaos, and lots of us have read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which is super-helpful in showing us why we have these behavior patterns, how to see what we're doing to ourselves, and how to knock it off

You deserve more than this. Aside from the fact that, if a beloved relative or girlfriend came to you with this story, I doubt whether you'd call that a friendship in any sense of the word - really, what you appear to be is a hostage. Again - been there, still got the keychain for sure, so no criticism from here...just observation.

I'm glad you found us - we're good at nudging people toward what they deserve, as opposed to what they've settled for

Welcome!!
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Old 07-28-2009, 01:28 PM
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hi,

I'm new too and also happened to stumble upon this forum.

The yelling and screaming is all too familiar to me, but I've known it all my life.
Alcoholism is in my family so deep that nearly 3 years of (his) recovery won't stop my dad being a monster; drinking or no drinking, it's scary
and me being a few months in alanon doesn't stop the terror, even if I'll barely see him 'till september

anyway, YOU ARE NOT ALONE

if you can find an alanon meeting, do. I love it since I hear others share and its like they're telling my story back to me, ot explaining exactly what's going on inside my head.

It feels great and less crazy when you meet a dozen or two people who think and fear exactly the same way you do.

there's a pamphlet on detachment that's good.

Also, I'm proud of you for realizing you're afraid and want something better (happiness).
It's been six years since I knew something wasn't right 'till I did something about it and now I'm starting to feel even more of my emotions, which is scary.

I hope you keep coming back
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Old 07-28-2009, 01:35 PM
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Thank you, I'm glad to know I'm not alone! I do agree that I have an addiction to being his crutch.

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Old 07-28-2009, 01:38 PM
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This might seem like an obvious question.. but why do you answer his calls?

I think GL is right, and you seem to know it too.. he's an addiction to you. But seems an UNSAFE addiction. You're on the train by choice (crazy train), maybe it's time to get off? Set some boundaries.. maybe don't talk to him if he's been drinking. Don't answer the door if he's drunk. You can choose to end some of this..
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:10 PM
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Hey HotCheeto welcome to SR. I, like you, am new to this site and find with every post I read and write I am little by little getting stronger. I love the caring nature of the members who helped me very quickly realise I am not alone. If you go into my profile and read my first post (from two days ago) you will see I was very like you. The one thing I am thankful for was my xabf was never verbally or physically abusive or agressive. The book mentioned above - Codependent No More seems to be a Bible on this website. I have bought it myself (yesterday) and am off work next week so am taking it away to do a little bit of work on myself. Anyway I felt the need to post to let you know, just as someone let me know a couple of days ago, you are not alone, you are among friends, and together we will all help each other through this. Good luck XXX
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:17 PM
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We all arrived here in deep crisis, just like you, cheeto.

And few of us even had a clue what to do next....what to do FIRST....

Smacked has a good idea. Why not pick one thing - small thing, big thing, doesn't matter - and start there?

I too would choose "don't come to my house," but that's pretty big. My house is my sanctuary, and if I don't have sanctuary, I feel obliged to stay out there in the madness.

Smaller...some have chosen to always let calls go to voicemail, then force themselves to wait at least a few minutes (the longer the better) before giving in to listening to them.
And reading Stickies and Codependent No More counts too

One small step in the right direction will help you to start regaining your strength, and getting your life back.

Good luck
P.S. here are two of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:25 PM
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Welcome! Go nuts on the stickies and read up and find that you aren't alone!

Originally Posted by hotcheeto View Post
I'm just sick of it because once the alcohol fades he is back to his old self, begging me for forgiveness, wanting things to be back the way they were and I forgive but forgetting is hard when its a repeated cycle EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and sometimes even on weekdays.
This part jumped out at me as I was reading. One big "lightbulb" moment in my recovery was when I found out what forgiveness meant. I wish I knew where I read this or heard it:

"You're only allowed to forgive someone if you cannot continue to be hurt by what they did."

It is perfectly okay to be hurt by someone, but what this person meant is that the level of hurt will not increase anymore. There are things that can easily be forgiven, but there are some things that require work to truly forgive. I know there's a lot of things in my life that I haven't forgiven yet because every once in a while I will let it replay in my head and it will bring me down.

If you apply this to your case, he's doing similar things over and over again which is hurting you over and over again.

Let's think of a pretend situation where you aren't allowed to forgive him when he's begging for validation and love when he's sober again. What would you say?
  • It's okay (Is it okay, do you accept this behavior?)
  • Don't worry about it (Chances are, he's not worried anyways)
  • ???
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Old 07-28-2009, 07:25 PM
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hi cheeto!

just wanted to tell you you are not alone... we all know how it feels like. we call it the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome....

how can you not loose your mind? stop befriending madmen. i know easier said than done huh, but really, this is as good as it gets.

why do you feel you deserve being yelled at and being so hugely disrespected? time for some boundaries, young woman!!
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:02 AM
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hi hotcheeto-

i want to speak about his obsessive controlling of who you talk to.

mine was like that too.

after a while, it escalated to physical violence if i did innocent things like go to a party with other people without him.

does yours throw things if he's in a temper? like a coffee cup or say, the tv guide?

i'm going out on a limb here but if yours is that possessive of you even talking to someone else, he's not going to let you go easily.

i do understand very much the "you need to be on call" that a possessive male can impose on his "possession", his woman. mine would expect me to answer to a car honk outside my window. what this meant was anytime a car honked, i had to check to see if it was him. it drove me crazy.

as for the incessant phone calls at any hour, i understand that too. it's hard to rest if you don't know if the phone will ring or not. and it could be an alcoholic emergency! maybe he's been in a fight, or its the police, or he's calling to make sure that you're home and alone or whatever crazy thought stream they may be having.

what i eventually figured out was that he was checking on me incessantly because he was projecting that i was the same as him...meaning a liar who needed to cover their tracks.

he tried to stop me from having friends because he was cheating on me...he wanted to make sure i was where i said i was because he wasn't where he said he was...

he would often call, make sure i was home so that he could be somewhere without me running into him. for example, if he was in a pub drinking rather than at work like he said, he would call me make sure he knew where i was and then chose his pub so as not to run into me...

as for the money, i found out that was because he tapped everyone for cash so that when he got paid, he had a lot of people to pay back all over the town.

alcohol had made my life unmanageable. i was confused and not thinking clearly, always reacting to the next desperate situation my alcoholic was going to get into. was he in jail? was he fighting? oh no, he flipped the car, now the rents due and theres no money, oh dear me, he's crying and depressed again, what the electricity is off? can't eat even toast today? why are you wretching? why is your nose bleeding? you're driving without car insurance? you peed your bed? please don't cook at 3AM drunk! you don't want me going to pubs alone? i can only have woman friends? please don't honk for me, come in the house and collect me. you can't sleep again? i don't think sleeping pills are a good idea for you...

it's all quite crazy
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Old 07-31-2009, 11:29 PM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
what i eventually figured out was that he was checking on me incessantly because he was projecting that i was the same as him...meaning a liar who needed to cover their tracks.
Whoa! I read that line and my eyes automatically re-read it again. I have never thought of that, but it is no doubt the truth. Every time he is suspicious of me and my innocent activities it is because he isn't so innocent himself. He thinks I am his life twin.

That I am living life just like him, as a liar, an alcoholic, a cheat and a thief! Whenever I promised anything he wouldn't let me live it down, badgering me everyday until I did whatever it is that I promised. I would always think "Why in the hell doesn't he believe my promises?"

It's because breaking promises was an everyday thing with him. As of the day I wrote my first post I have cut him off but me cutting him off doesn't mean its over because he has been persistant. Crying and almost hyperventilating I gave him a piece of my mind and hung up the phone. Never to pick it up again. I didn't let him speak because I have no interest in his words. One thing he did manage to get through was "You are only looking at it from your side, not from mine." I didn't feel bad to not care about his side and I told him that he is self destructive, snatching more of my youth away every single day.

I didn't sleep that night but I never felt so relieved. I had said it before that I would cut him off but that night I knew that I was for real. I was seriously done. I couldn't cry anymore, couldn't be there any longer. I did receive about 50 missed calls not including the calls to my house phone. I decided to post some of the messages he sent me after I hung up and wouldn't answer, this is just to show a pattern. It was 4:00 in the morning. Anyway, here they are in order:

"if u don't pick up right this second i will be downstairs at your family house, ringing the bell and banging on the door AND BELIEVE I AM CRAZY ENOUGH TO DO MORE."


"OKAY????? not answering. I'M ON MY WAY!!"


"you know what, **** it. I'm not coming. But don't you ever try to get in contact with me ever again. I hope you and your new boyfriend burn together in hell. especially you." (Note something that he always does, he always brings up the fact that I don't have the choice to come back to him only he can come back to me after making a mistake or doing 'wrong'. Also I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not involved with anyone at the moment but he keeps bringing up this imaginary man in my life and I realized it is so that I will want to defend it and end up arguing with him.)

"A nickname he calls me please don't be this heartless. I am losing it, I don't even know what I am saying just please pick up the phone and listen. I'll make you understand, just pick up the phone baby."
(Note: This is his stress signal that he usually sends out that I can't resist. I am so proud to say I even rolled my eyes to this one.)

"Okay then, fine. Don't pick up. I won't bother you with my calls and i'm going to be out of your life as you want it and you will never see me again. Bye for the last time. And I love you and I am truly sorry."


"NO MATTER WHAT I SAY I CAN'T NOT CALL YOU. I can't help it. Please stop this, I haven't slept for two nights and I feel like I'm going crazy. I want to talk to you."
(What does the two nights that he hasn't slept have to do with me? I only stopped talking to him earlier that day.)

"Just for two minutes. I want to talk to you right NOW"

That just goes on and on and on. He even pulled out a few old memories saying that he wants it to go back to the way it was. The next day he traveled to a neighboring country just to drink. I got another wave of calls and texts.

I trust in my broken heart that I won't try to contact him for any reason, yet seeing him will be a challenge but I hope I have the strength to just ignore him. I wish I had joined this forum a year earlier but I ain't leaving yet, I still have a long way to go, I have recovering to do myself.
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Old 08-01-2009, 06:05 AM
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Awesome progress hotcheeto!


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Old 08-01-2009, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by hotcheeto View Post
He gets kind of aggressive (not abusive just his demeanor changes).... Screaming, crying, yelling, cursing, calling me names and I can't take it.
Hotcheeto,

I hope you will read the stickies on verbal and emotional abuse. It was a major "aha" moment for me when I realized how much "minimizing" I had been doing in regard to my xabf's behavior. I had honestly come to think his way of "communicating" was normal, and I was starting to react to him in the same ways - abusing him back! It wasn't until I did some reading on verbal abuse that I started noticing, gee, none of my friends or family treat me like this.... nor would I put up with them for even a second if they did.

Best,
at2
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Old 08-01-2009, 06:32 AM
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What you should do all comes down to one question. It is simple.

What do you want for your life?


I read your post as a "veteran" of this complex condition... known as co-dependent. That is why they term alcoholism as a "family disease" - cause it really messes with emotions of everyone in the family. We find ourselves on this "merry-go-round" and the whole world is spinning so that everything is a blur. Confusing. Yes!

Make yourself a list (pros and cons) of your relationship with this person. Pin it up in your bathroom, and read it every morning. Let the thoughts settle and let it help you make a decision for what is right for YOU.

I will say, the longer you stick with this relationship, the harder it is to free yourself from it! Add in financial obligations/marriage/children it becomes very difficult.

Best wishes!
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Old 08-01-2009, 08:55 AM
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I'm so proud of you. It's time to truly live for yourself, and care for YOUR wellbeing. He's simply not in the equation anymore. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult not to respond to all his attempts at button pushing. Have you thought of changing your number? Or blocking the calls/texts from his number?
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Old 08-01-2009, 09:43 AM
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Good grief.

Get a new phone number already!

One thing all active alcoholics/addicts have in common: they are insane.
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Old 08-01-2009, 04:26 PM
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hi hotcheeto-

glad to hear you are going no contact. i agree, block his phone number or change yours.

i read all his texts he sent you...that's all just crazy manipulation...he's coming over, he's not, it's all your fault, blah blah blah

the reality is that it is quite impossible to have an honest relationship with an active alcoholic. it's all nuts. you and your new boyfriend? your new boyfriend that doesn't exist except in his head?

really, aren't you tired of being accused of false things? i know i was. i deserve someone who appreciates my loyalty and trustworthyness.

you can plan on his desperate pleas to continue for some time, i would imagine. be strong and let it play out, hopefully without you getting drawn back in.

i told mine to call me when he was 30 days sober. he made it 29 days and started drinking again. or maybe he only made it 25 days and started drinking again. or maybe he drank the whole time and lied and hid it. i don't know, i'm not the booze police.
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Old 08-02-2009, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
hi hotcheeto-

i told mine to call me when he was 30 days sober. he made it 29 days and started drinking again. or maybe he only made it 25 days and started drinking again. or maybe he drank the whole time and lied and hid it. i don't know, i'm not the booze police.
Thanks for all the support! You all are amazing, this forum is a blessing.

LOL hell no, we are not the booze police. I seriously just don't care anymore.
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