A working hell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
A working hell
Sorry if this is self-serving or serves nobody but this morning was a classic example of how ruinous my drinking is for my work these days.
This morning I was sat in a 2 hour meeting that comes round every month and always, always consumes me with dread. You probably know the sort; the meeting agenda is up on the projector screen and we discuss the points as they descend as they relate to the project in question. I, as always, was point 7. I, as always, sat hunched in my chair, desperately trying to control my twitching and trembling, trying to focus my vision and fighting my rising anxiety while they droned on. The fear became so bad I thought I would have a full blown panic attack and flee the room. For a 31 year old so-called professional, this was something I could ill afford, yet the feeling was almost overpowering.
And so the meeting progressed from points 1 to 3 to 5 to 6 and then, the dreaded moment, point 7. "Ok, Rich, what do you have to tell us"?
My mouth flopped open and I leaned forwards but no words came out. What could I tell them? That the sum progress I had made with my area of the project over the course of 5 months amounted to absolutely nothing? That the stress, anxiety and despair of getting myself through every working day hungover, sick and exhausted meant no less than sheer inertia in all my work commitments? That I actually understood my task less now than I did at the start? That I was about to faint and needed to leave the room? My desecrated brain found a few words of context and I stammered out a few sentences of no import at all and within a minute I sagged back in my seat, dumb and spent. They looked at me with expressions that ranged between concern, weariness and scorn. This was exactly how I performed at the last meeting, and the one before that and so on going back months. After a long pause they resumed the meeting and I kept mute for the remainder, desperately counting the minutes until I could dash outside for a smoke and to splash my face with cold water in the bathroom.
And yet the most telling and ridiculously obvious thing was that I would have coped so much better today had I not got drunk last night. It's so simple. I knew this meeting was coming, that I couldn't get out of it and that I had to be completely clear headed if I was to survive it with a shred of dignity. Last night, as I opened the first beer and then the second, reading my newly arrived Big Book of AA, it was with no small irony that I read through the first few chapters regarding the insanity of alcoholic drinking and the powerlessness we have over it. It was quite literally insane for me to get drunk last night knowing what I had to deal with the next morning, yet, of course I got drunk anyway.
Ok, thanks for letting me share this.
Please hope or pray that I get myself to my second AA meeting tonight (I bottled it last time).
Hud
This morning I was sat in a 2 hour meeting that comes round every month and always, always consumes me with dread. You probably know the sort; the meeting agenda is up on the projector screen and we discuss the points as they descend as they relate to the project in question. I, as always, was point 7. I, as always, sat hunched in my chair, desperately trying to control my twitching and trembling, trying to focus my vision and fighting my rising anxiety while they droned on. The fear became so bad I thought I would have a full blown panic attack and flee the room. For a 31 year old so-called professional, this was something I could ill afford, yet the feeling was almost overpowering.
And so the meeting progressed from points 1 to 3 to 5 to 6 and then, the dreaded moment, point 7. "Ok, Rich, what do you have to tell us"?
My mouth flopped open and I leaned forwards but no words came out. What could I tell them? That the sum progress I had made with my area of the project over the course of 5 months amounted to absolutely nothing? That the stress, anxiety and despair of getting myself through every working day hungover, sick and exhausted meant no less than sheer inertia in all my work commitments? That I actually understood my task less now than I did at the start? That I was about to faint and needed to leave the room? My desecrated brain found a few words of context and I stammered out a few sentences of no import at all and within a minute I sagged back in my seat, dumb and spent. They looked at me with expressions that ranged between concern, weariness and scorn. This was exactly how I performed at the last meeting, and the one before that and so on going back months. After a long pause they resumed the meeting and I kept mute for the remainder, desperately counting the minutes until I could dash outside for a smoke and to splash my face with cold water in the bathroom.
And yet the most telling and ridiculously obvious thing was that I would have coped so much better today had I not got drunk last night. It's so simple. I knew this meeting was coming, that I couldn't get out of it and that I had to be completely clear headed if I was to survive it with a shred of dignity. Last night, as I opened the first beer and then the second, reading my newly arrived Big Book of AA, it was with no small irony that I read through the first few chapters regarding the insanity of alcoholic drinking and the powerlessness we have over it. It was quite literally insane for me to get drunk last night knowing what I had to deal with the next morning, yet, of course I got drunk anyway.
Ok, thanks for letting me share this.
Please hope or pray that I get myself to my second AA meeting tonight (I bottled it last time).
Hud
Sobriety in technicolor
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
Wow - powerful stuff. Reminds me of my work meetings - almost exactly. The book tells me that I will get tight (drunk) at exactly the WRONG times.... like before a big meeting, etc. I got drunk at every convention that I was privliged enough to attend. They'd suspend me for a time, let me go to another one, and I 'd get drunk all over again. The insanity is baffling. I had NO choice but to quit altogether, and I had to have real help to do that... not just help getting started, but help day in, and day out.
As I sit here loathing my job, you've reminded me that I am lucky to have one based on my past, so thank you. And I wish you hard work ((HUG))
As I sit here loathing my job, you've reminded me that I am lucky to have one based on my past, so thank you. And I wish you hard work ((HUG))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hudstar...
Maybe you are hitting your bottom... I hope so...
Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program... If you are really serious about getting recovered... maybe they could help and help you save your job at the same time???
Just a thought.
Mark
Maybe you are hitting your bottom... I hope so...
Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program... If you are really serious about getting recovered... maybe they could help and help you save your job at the same time???
Just a thought.
Mark
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hud please keep in mind that the only requirement to be a member of AA is a DESIRE to quit drinking.
Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?
If you are then no matter what get to a meeting tonight, if you get drunk call the AA hotline and get a ride from some one.
One thing many of us do not understand is that we do not have to be sober to go to a meeting and seek help, I was fall down drunk at my first meeting, but I was made to feel more then welcome when I got there.
Hud I recall vividly one guy who came to a meeting every day I went, he was always stupid drunk, but he wanted sobriety, he kept coming back! Well I did not see him for a while and then one day he walked in, smiling and sober!!!
Hud you never have to drink again, but you will need to become willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober.
Get to as many meetings as you can, now for the toughest part to start out with. Introduce your self to other men at those meetings, let them know that you would like to know how they have stayed sober and ask for thier phone numbers.
You know maybe I did not state the truth above, because as tough as it is to ask for help and get those phone numbers, the REALLY tough part is to call those folks, even if you are not thinking of drinking...... just to talk! Beleive it or not, you are helping them to stay sober by calling them!
Far more important is every time you think of a drink do one of 2 things, maybe both, get to a meeting ASAP and or call someone BEFORE you drink.
Hud I am an alcoholic, I know exactly what it is like in early sobriety to NEED a drink at any hour of the say or night, as a result if I get a call from a fellow alcoholic at 3AM I am more then happy to talk with them and if need be meet them some where for coffee.
I pass on to other alcoholics what was passed on to me by others.
You made it to that meeting, even though you did not want to, put forth the same effort towards sobriety.
Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?
If you are then no matter what get to a meeting tonight, if you get drunk call the AA hotline and get a ride from some one.
One thing many of us do not understand is that we do not have to be sober to go to a meeting and seek help, I was fall down drunk at my first meeting, but I was made to feel more then welcome when I got there.
Hud I recall vividly one guy who came to a meeting every day I went, he was always stupid drunk, but he wanted sobriety, he kept coming back! Well I did not see him for a while and then one day he walked in, smiling and sober!!!
Hud you never have to drink again, but you will need to become willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober.
Get to as many meetings as you can, now for the toughest part to start out with. Introduce your self to other men at those meetings, let them know that you would like to know how they have stayed sober and ask for thier phone numbers.
You know maybe I did not state the truth above, because as tough as it is to ask for help and get those phone numbers, the REALLY tough part is to call those folks, even if you are not thinking of drinking...... just to talk! Beleive it or not, you are helping them to stay sober by calling them!
Far more important is every time you think of a drink do one of 2 things, maybe both, get to a meeting ASAP and or call someone BEFORE you drink.
Hud I am an alcoholic, I know exactly what it is like in early sobriety to NEED a drink at any hour of the say or night, as a result if I get a call from a fellow alcoholic at 3AM I am more then happy to talk with them and if need be meet them some where for coffee.
I pass on to other alcoholics what was passed on to me by others.
You made it to that meeting, even though you did not want to, put forth the same effort towards sobriety.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Hud... challenge yourself...
If 'your way' doesn't work (time after time after time...) make a deal with yourself to meet and speak with people in the AA program.
People helping people... it can work if you let it.
If 'your way' doesn't work (time after time after time...) make a deal with yourself to meet and speak with people in the AA program.
People helping people... it can work if you let it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by Cubile75 
Hudstar...
Maybe you are hitting your bottom... I hope so...
Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program... If you are really serious about getting recovered... maybe they could help and help you save your job at the same time???
Just a thought.
Mark
Maybe you are hitting your bottom... I hope so...
Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program... If you are really serious about getting recovered... maybe they could help and help you save your job at the same time???
Just a thought.
Mark
I have the very strong feeling that I just want to get out of this job that makes me so unhappy and compunds my drinking - although I should state very clearly that I'm under no illusions that my drinking is the real cause of my troubles.
I was moved from a role I was good at to a new position that I have absolutely no affinity for and the stress or being a square peg in a round hole and the deterioration of my drinking this last year has made me a wretched mess. All I desire is a clean break, from Drink and from this work environment which has been a daily humiliation for the last year or so.
Anyway, I don't enjoy writing these self-pity posts, just that now I'm in the orbit of recovery and probably AA, I thought it relevant after what I read in the Big Book last night.
Thanks guys
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
It was very relevant!! This newcomers section is here for people to make these kinds of posts... I am glad you posted that!! Believe it or not, you help others by posting what you did.
Getting started on recovery and early recovery is damn difficult... Job stress, Relationship problems, whatever... Post On!!!
I would hate getting moved from a position I liked to one I didn't... In my active disease, I would have drank over it... The only thing I might point out, is maybe consider putting the drink down, get some clarity in your life, then make a decision regarding your job.
Mark
Getting started on recovery and early recovery is damn difficult... Job stress, Relationship problems, whatever... Post On!!!
I would hate getting moved from a position I liked to one I didn't... In my active disease, I would have drank over it... The only thing I might point out, is maybe consider putting the drink down, get some clarity in your life, then make a decision regarding your job.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
The head counselor in rehab told us how he got into AA and sober. He went for the first six months with half a bottle of vodka tucked into the back of his jumpsuit, sneaking out omn sevaral occasions during the meetings for a swig. Of couse he thought that no-one knew, when he finally got a sponsor and started to work the steps it became apparent after a time that they all knew! How funny is that?! He has 10 years sober now and is a very happy and contented guy, he swears too much though:-)
So as he would say, and taz too, the only thing AA asks is do you have a desire to stop drinking, you obviously do so you are going to the right place. Keep turning up, you deserve to be there for you, who would have though that i would actually look forward to going to an AA meeting, it's great mate don't miss out!
If you can stay at the job, tackle the drinking and all that goes with it and then make a decision on work...advice i was given to me 5 months ago before i jacked in a high paid job in Barcelona because i didn't like it, or the area, or the people, or the work meetings etc, you'll never guess what, in hindsight, caused me to make that stupid decision? Clue...it's liquid and you can drink it...good luck:-)...get to that meeting!
So as he would say, and taz too, the only thing AA asks is do you have a desire to stop drinking, you obviously do so you are going to the right place. Keep turning up, you deserve to be there for you, who would have though that i would actually look forward to going to an AA meeting, it's great mate don't miss out!
If you can stay at the job, tackle the drinking and all that goes with it and then make a decision on work...advice i was given to me 5 months ago before i jacked in a high paid job in Barcelona because i didn't like it, or the area, or the people, or the work meetings etc, you'll never guess what, in hindsight, caused me to make that stupid decision? Clue...it's liquid and you can drink it...good luck:-)...get to that meeting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Your post is difficult to read and, it's important for you to write that, it could be a big help to you. Maybe if there is a next time you decide to drink you will come back here and read what you wrote and realize you don't want to go through that again. I wish you strength.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Not self serving at all, Hud. It made me cringe at the memory of many similar meetings I attended. In the end, I called off sick every time I was expected to "contribute" - or fortified myself with plenty of vodka before the meeting so I wouldn't shake. (Gee, I'm sure no one noticed I was half tanked.....)Then afterwards, ran to my office where I had my "stash" hidden in the bathroom under some boxes. I can't believe that was a normal day for me in the end....thanks for the memory.
Why do we sabotage ourselves that way? I did it all the time - told myself I'd have just a few and get to bed early. Yeah, right - 12 beers later & I didn't want to go to bed - drank the night through & drank while getting ready for work. This is where it can lead. I think you sound ready to lay it down! We're pulling for you, Rich.
Why do we sabotage ourselves that way? I did it all the time - told myself I'd have just a few and get to bed early. Yeah, right - 12 beers later & I didn't want to go to bed - drank the night through & drank while getting ready for work. This is where it can lead. I think you sound ready to lay it down! We're pulling for you, Rich.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
You are experiencing the results of active alcoholism. You are also becoming aware of the spiritual solutions
that could help solve your problems and help you to live a better way of life, that is available to us all.
It seems as if you are reaching a turning point in making a decision to stay sober no matter what.
i hope that you begin to take daily action in getting sober and find a better way to live soon.
that could help solve your problems and help you to live a better way of life, that is available to us all.
It seems as if you are reaching a turning point in making a decision to stay sober no matter what.
i hope that you begin to take daily action in getting sober and find a better way to live soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello hudstar and thank you for your post.i rmember only too well those feelings of panic and like the spotlight is on you at work,it was dreadful and something i never ever want to go back to! i have been sober nearly 6 months.i could not have done this on my own.i went to AA got a sponsor and i am on the 12step recovery programme.my life has changed beyond recognition.i am becoming the person i always should have been and always wanted to be.you have the desire to stop drinking.keep going to meetings and like someone said get phone numbers and use them.this is hard sometimes but boy when you make that call its an amazing feeling.it truly does help.i was a fall down hopeless drunk.i thought my life was over,destined to drink myself to death,commit suicide or be commited to a mental hospital.my how things change.you do not have to suffer anymore,there is a solution! i hope you find what i have at AA.keep us posted.your in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Welcome Hud,
As you can see you came to the right place. Alot of useful knowledge on this site. I agree with Cubicle you should look into a inpatient rehab through the EAP if you have one. Also insurance might also pay. You sound like you are really suffering. I'm sure you brought back many memories to some of us. Every monday morning was like that for me. After a few years of hangover Mondays I came to work 2 Mondays in a row from 90miles away and had to have a few drinks to get here. On the second Monday someone smelled the alcohol and brought me to HR. I went to 8 days of impatient rehab and then outpatient for 2 months. It really did help.
I also agree with whoever said about your writing. You definitely have a talent there. Keep a journal or you can use this site as your journal but you express your feelings through writing better than any I have read on this site. I have been sober since July 08 and on this site since October 08.
As you can see you came to the right place. Alot of useful knowledge on this site. I agree with Cubicle you should look into a inpatient rehab through the EAP if you have one. Also insurance might also pay. You sound like you are really suffering. I'm sure you brought back many memories to some of us. Every monday morning was like that for me. After a few years of hangover Mondays I came to work 2 Mondays in a row from 90miles away and had to have a few drinks to get here. On the second Monday someone smelled the alcohol and brought me to HR. I went to 8 days of impatient rehab and then outpatient for 2 months. It really did help.
I also agree with whoever said about your writing. You definitely have a talent there. Keep a journal or you can use this site as your journal but you express your feelings through writing better than any I have read on this site. I have been sober since July 08 and on this site since October 08.
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