boo

Hi,

For those of you who responded to that post-thank you! I learned a lot and am still digesting it.
However, in the process I seemed to have confused a lot of people including myself

I *think* what I am asking is what do I do with information that I do get or is implied.

Since learning of A's problem and history of his problem--that he described in great detail to both myself and my older sister, I wonder if he is staying sober--we're in different countries right now. It is not so much about if he is staying sober or not, it is more that I care how he is doing.

We have stopped our 3-month relationship so he can work on his sobriety. The reason he is telling me to not wait around for him is two-fold:

1) He is looking at worse case scenario that he NEVER gets a grip on alcoholism. I can't judge that-he goes to AA and has tons of family support, and has had a spiritual focus his whole life. I guess those are the points in his favor. The fact that his active drinking has persisted for 2-3 years now, drinking as much as a fifth of whiskey per night, is not in his favor--or, does it really matter how much one was drinking and for how long in terms of a good prognosis?

2) We're both 36 and want permanent relationships and a family. He worries that if he spends a lot of time relapsing, that it will take a lot longer than a year to get to the point where it could be safe for him to begin a relationship with me (again). He doesn't want me to miss out on those things if he is going to be stuck in a relapse cycle for a while. I am definitely willing to give him this year but, for example, not 3 years! Basically, we both want a lot of the same things and have tons in common to start. I don't think we were prepared for liking each other as much as we turned out to like each other. So, it feels like drinking has ruined what could a great thing.

So, I decided to join this group and work on myself and hopefully join a local Al-anon group-I know there is definitely one near my former workplace. And, I have absolutely no interest in meeting or dating anyone else right now anyway. I guess I don't know how to get started "for real".

I guess in asking how he is doing...a) I've become quickly accustomed tohearing his progress report--he told my sister he relapsed after I left from visiting him and presented it in a way of "keeping relapsing" and he told me that he doesn't seem to want to give it up yet later wrote that he is trying very hard to quit. I guess if I give him a year or so, I would want to know if he is doing well or still in a big mess so I can make decisions about being with him in the future or not.

I say all this now, and then sometimes I think "what if I meet someone else in 6 months? What would I do?"

I can appreciate he is doing the best he can right now-it is hard to not want to know just how good that is. I know I am trying to be patient with myself about dealing with not being with him after having an amazing summer. It's not easy!!!!!!

smoke gets in my eyes

Of course you want to know, Boo. We're right there with you. We all want to know. But even knowing how he's doing right this minute is not going to give you any idea where he will be in a year. If someone had told me at Christmas that I would not have one single stoned conversation with Dino between then and now I would have called the men in the white coats on them.

I understand what you're looking for. Assurance. A way to reason out how much faith to put in his recovery. There isn't any. But the mention you made of wanting a family presents this question.... do you want to raise children with an alcoholic? He could relapse at any time. Are you financially secure enough to take care of a family without his support? Are you emotionally secure enough? Nobody is a sure thing where marriage goes, but substance abusers come with a built in risk. Perhaps your friend, in telling you to forget about him, is asking you to look at the fact that he may not be good family material.... ever.

I know this is not what you want to hear. However, if having a family is a goal of yours, I'd suggest you think of this romance as over. Open your mind to other opportunities that come your way. If Mr. Goodprospect doesn't show up over the next 12 months and your friend makes a miraculous turnaround... you can think about it again then.

Hugs,
Smoke

boo

Smoke,
You've got it...Yes, I am looking for assurance. I mean, who wouldn't be?

I don't know if he is saying he wouldn't be good family material "ever". He is the stereotypical "favorite uncle" for sure. He is more concerned that waiting around a lot could jeopardize MY chance to have kids (yup, age factor stuff). So, it makes me wonder if I were say, 30, whether he would be saying don't wait.

The other thing about assurances is that a few days before all this happened we "clarified" that we are boyfriend and girlfriend --although it was sure looking that way anyway.

The other thing is that I was supposed to go back to visit him-tomorrow-and I have an airline ticket which is torture!!

Jon

That is not the worse case. It is the usual case. The vast majority of alcoholics never recover/remain sober.



There is no such thing as "continued relapse." To relapse, one must first establish a measurable period of recovery. Drinking after a few days or weeks is not a relapse, rather it is a "nice" way of saying "I wanted to drink more than i wanted to stay sober."

Be good to you, Boo.

jojo

Boo -

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that come with an alcoholic. It truly is one day at a time. Do you really want to make that kind of investment in a new relationship with an alcoholic that really isn't sure that he is even ready to make the attempt to become clean and sober?

It is a progressive illness. If he is drinking that much now and goes into recovery the next time he picks up a drink even if it is five or ten years from now, he will pick up right where he left off. It isn't like starting from scratch. Smoke is right about being able to support yourself both financially and emotionally with an alcoholic because if he isn't one of lucky ones, you will need to be able to take of yourself and any children you might have on your own.

My husband was clean and sober for 18 years and then starting relapsing and it has been devastating to both of us. Think long and hard about continuing this relationship. What he says to you about what he wants for you really doesn't matter. What matters is what kind of life you want and need.

Whatever you decide you want to do, I wish you the very best. Try and step back from the situation and take a deep breath.

Hugs, Jo

EmotionalMeg

Hi Boo,

Well... Leave it to Jon to come in and "tell it like it is"

He is so right.
I know as the frantic wife of an Alcohlic, how much we WANT it all to be black and white: The A will take THIS long to withdraw, will take THIS long to recover, will not relapse after THIS amount of time sober... And THIS is the time when you can start trusting that "all is safe".

It SOOOOOO doesn't work that way.
There are no guaruntees, there are no "magic solutions". This man will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life; only he can decide how much of his life is spent sober or not.

Keeping track of his recovery does you no good at all... I can understand that you "care", and want to know how he is doing. But I am guessing you have a little more invested in it than JUST that (coming from me ....).
So, get YOURSELF to meetings!
Start focussing on YOU! instead of on the things that are out of your control anyhow.

Take care
Meg