MrsMagoo

How true that is.

Well, I finally did it. AH and I split up 2 weeks ago today. Me and the children went and stayed with friends while my house was "under seige", or rather until AH's unemployment came in, so he could find somewhere else to stay.

Of course the house was trashed, he took much more than what belonged to him including my son's TV, my computer/printer and some family jewelry. He is showing all the classic signs of relapse and I want nothing to do with it. Nothing. I'm over it.

Last Thursday was our three-year old daughter's birthday. He insisted on coming to her party at daycare but of course slept through my phone calls and then he blessed me out and accused me of not calling to remind him. He didn't even call later that day to wish her a happy birthday much less produce any sort of gift or card. I offered to let him see her one other time and although he initially said yes, blew it off. I've chopped down my olive tree and will no longer be holding out any branches.

My children and I had a glorious weekend! We had a yard sale and sold his "stuff" and other junk we didn't need. We played softball, went to a concert/cookout, went roller skating and went to a movie. We cleaned out the garage and storage unit and did a bunch of things that AH had PROMISED he would do for months.

I have been on SR for over two years now. I have had TONS of wonderful advice - some tough to hear and others much gentler. I know you guys got frustrated with me because I would talk a good game then let him come back. This is really it. I don't miss him. I don't miss walking on eggshells. I don't miss waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't miss acting like I believe him when I know he's lying to my face. I don't miss checking the bank account several times a day to see if he's cleaned us out again. I don't miss asking permission to go somewhere and getting slack for going to meetings. I don't miss suggesting that I do something with someone another time because it's just not a good time right now. I don't miss telling my son he can't have a friend sleep over because there is no money for food and AH is being an a$$ again. I don't miss making excuses for his behavior to spare the kids the truth and I don't miss dreding coming home from work.

I am loving this new found freedom and liberty from the bondage of living with someone who was only pretending to be in recovery. I guess you have to be IN recovery to relapse so perhaps I should say, he's using again but this time, it's not on my dime, not in my house, with my vehicle or on my time.

Thank you for the tough love and forgive me my temper tantrums and tears. When I think that I could have been experiencing this months or even a year or more ago, I get sick to my stomach over so much time lost and get sick thinking about the pain we didn't have to endure.

I know God allowed this to happen. I got a stunning daugther out of it. I got into Celebrate Recovery and leadership. I have the most wonderful friends who understand my "dirty little secret" and who have felt what I've been to ashamed to voice to many people. I found SR and CR. I have a purpose now and it's to help others break free of the prisons they are in and support for as long as it takes, those who don't know how or aren't ready to walk away.

I'm excited about my new life. I'm excited about being emotionally available to my children. I'm excited because the steps are more meaningful and the cloud is lifting and I'm finally enjoying my life. I'm making plans for a real future.

MsPINKAcres

((Mrs. Magoo))

Would congratulations be out of line? I know there is also a I hate to hear this too -

As you know my story - there is a mixture of both in our lives. Sadness that our AH's couldn't embrace recovery and find the strength, courage and wisdom to be that healthy person to be a part of our lives AND now JOY and FREEDOM for ourselves that now we can follow the path our HP has for us to live a full and Happy life without the constant FEAR and DREAD of active alcoholism/addiction.

My thoughts & prayers are with you & the children - I pray God's very best for you!!

HUGS,
Rita

nytepassion

WooooooooHoooooo!!!! Janet, I absolutely love it this post. All about you, taking back control of your life and enjoying it!!! YES!

and honey, we all kick, scream and throw tantrums getting to this point .. Recovery is a process not an event.

It is so wonderful to hear you so positive and walking the walk.

I love you my friend ...
Keep singin' it sistah LOL

You, Kelly and Cody are in my heart, thoughts and prayers - Always

Serenity Bound

Mrs Magoo, You sound amazing, I am so proud of your new found freedom & joy.

Hugs,
Chris

Impurrfect

(((Janet))) - I'm so glad you are to the point where you realize you and the kids deserve so much more than what you were getting. It takes what it takes, to get us where we say "enough" and I'm so glad you can now say that.

Though there will still be a few sad times, I think you will be amazed at the weight that has been lifted off your shoulders and how many more times you will find yourself actually smiling and laughing - something you probably haven't done for a while.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrsMagoo

You guys, I can't even explain the exhiliration I feel. I did have a good cry on Saturday. A guy from Arizona named Doug Hallock sang at another church's 1 year Celebrate Recovery party. He was a 30 year heroin addict and his wife and family did an intervention on him.

All of his songs reflect how he felt before the intervention, after and there was a song his wife wrote and then a song she wrote back. Both gave their testimonies and I was all out bawling. They gave a good message of hope but an even stronger message about what addiction does to families and children. I left feeling pretty good albiet wrung out. I hadn't cried. Didn't want to cry. It was more of a purge and relief (a little sad too I suppose) but sadness for another one of my daughter's who won't know their father because they chose themselves and their addiction over their family.

Thank you for your encouragement and support!! It has meant the world to me. I really feel like something has changed in me. I feel no panic over not hearing from him and I don't care what he's doing or who he's doing it with as long as we aren't a part of it. I have to admit that the yard sale was not my idea, however, he had well over a week to take his stuff to the pawn shop, which is all he was going to do with it, and I'm tired of being a free storage unit. I wanted his personal effects out as much as I wanted him out. Over. Ka-put. Done.

The coolest thing is that I haven't second-guessed myself at all in two weeks. Not once. I haven't had any urges to contact him. I am a little jumpy sometimes because he will loose his mind when he finds out I got rid of stuff but I'll deal with that when and if it happens. My kids, friends and church have rallied behind me and have been supportive. Friends are all that really matter. Girlfriends always have each other's backs and always know just the right things to say so I thank you again, all of you, for sticking with me and not writing me off as a lost cause. It DOES all click one day and you put it all together and finally see the big picture. Ya'll are the BEST!

nytepassion

I didn't mean to forget Rianne ... that lil darlin' is in my heart, thoughts and prayer too

MrsMagoo

Thanks Sher! It's been a quiet day on SR. I think that is good in a way.

Ann

I see your recovery shining in every word, MrsMagoo, and I know the relief you feel, when you finally know you have had "enough" and take the path that is healthiest for you.

I'm sure you will have some sad days, even some days when you question your choice, but maybe come back here and read your own words, they express so well what you are no longer willing to allow in your life.

It's sad to close the door on a relationship, but most times the room was already empty and it's time to move on.

Big hugs for you and your kids, and wishes for sunshine every day in your lives.

Hugs

outonalimb

Mrs. Magoo,

I am so happy for you. I feel your hope and strength right thru the computer screen. Your post...and your recovery...are all aimed right where they should be...right at you and your precious daughter. I know its hard but when we finally get to the point where 'enough is enough', we just know it and our path is clear even if it is kind of rocky sometimes.

Hooray for you and your brightly shining recovery...

ItsmeAlice

I remember telling my STBXABF the last time we had a "what about us" conversation before I sought recovery for myself that I just wanted to be happy. I told him that if I couldn't be happy with him, I would try being happy without him.

At the time, I didn't actually "believe" I could be happy without him. When I started to see glimpses of what life could be like from folks like you who moved on from their addict and I started to gain some of my own hope and vision for the future, I became a believer.

I am separating from him this week and I hope soon I will feel the rush that you are feeling now.

Thank you for posting!!!

Alice

MrsMagoo

Ya'll have been great and so supportive.

Last night, AH was supposed to take our daughter (and me I guess) out to eat for her birthday and give her presents even though her birthday was Thursday. Of course he didn't follow-through which was fine with me cause I had my Step-Study meeting anyway and didn't plan on missing it for him. Nobody has heard from him since early Friday. Someone asked me if he could be dead and my response was, "he could be". He OD'd several times when he was younger and lived through it. Kept using. Anyway, my point is, I'm not dwelling on it or worrying about it. I wish him the best but really know this time that I can't do anything about whether he lives or dies or how he lives his life.

I'm only responsible for my life and my children's lives. Later this week, I'm going to the Department of Social Services and I'm going to have them file child support paperwork against him. I've thought about giving the protective services social worker who I bonded with last year a head's up because he's always threatening to call DSS on me or he would tell me that there was no way "I" was going to raise his child. Why do they do that? Think that they are a better parent when they are in active addiction? Talk about denial!!

tjp613

Heck no! They're simply trying to manipulate and hurt you with the ONE button they know will get you riled up! He doesn't want custody!...He's made that perfectly clear!

You're head is in a very good place. Keep up the good work!

Callie

Janet -

It's been a long road for you and I'm so happy that you've taken a "right" turn to get off of that road. You've done everything humanly possible to help him...to no avail. Take care of yourself and your family. I'm proud of you and love you!!

JMFburns

Congratulations!

Some people's names I see here with such good support, experience and stories to share that I think they've recovered, or they 'talk the talk & walk the walk' not realizing you too still struggle and are continually working on your recovery. You are one of those. So thank you for some WONDERFUL insight into your life and honest sharing. It gives me hope for myself!

Good luck as you move forward with YOUR life.

lightseeker

Janet -

so glad that you are where you are. You are a great source of ESH.....as they say, it works if you work it. It's not a quick fix but that is why it works and it lasts. Recovery for "us" is at least as difficult as it is for the substance abuser. We have to learn to rewire our brains. Thanks for sharing your story!

Donna

MsPINKAcres

((Magoo))

Once again - your strength, courage and wisdom are shining thru - as you stand your recovery ground - refusing to answer the "disease" as it tries to lure you back into the insanity.

Those promises of "lets do this" or "I'll call Child Protective Services", or blah, blah, quack quack - whatever those quacking pine trees try to say to get us to response to their unhealthy behaviors - You have taken the steps to take care of you and that is AWESOME!!!

It does encourage me to keep on walking this path that I am on - many have shared its like a ladder - we pull each other up - but to me it feels more like we walk around this world in a big circle . . .

Several months ago I started this path on the way out of living with active addiction and emotional/mental abuse - it was a very hard path, but someone who was already on this path walked by and linked their arm thru mine and said "Come on, I'm walking that way too, Let me walk with you. The road isn't smooth, but my HP has helped me and I'm sure that your HP is on this path to help you."

A few days ago, you started on this same path, Today I can walk by, link my arm thru yours and say those same words to you "Come on, I'm walking that way too, Let me walk with you. The road isn't smooth, but my HP has helped me and I'm sure that your HP is on this path to help you."
HUGS to you,
Rita

MrsMagoo

Killer responses! How could I possibly fail at this with all this encouragement and support?

Sometimes I think (and I’m only thinking, I don't know) that quitting a substance would be easier than quitting the way we think, feel, respond, act, etc. Being a co-dependant really sucks. It is so subtle and you don't even realize it's happening. It's not a choice. There are no warnings on the news or in magazines about the risks of being in a relationship with someone who might one day turn out to be a substance abuser. There is no informed consent. It just happens and you can't just turn it off because it is part of EVERYTHING you do, it defines us and we become sick. It's not something we chase. There is no connection to call to feed our need to be co-dependent. There are no corners to avoid or stores to keep driving past. There are no physicians to see to help us arrest our addiction. No magic pill or dose of anything to make us not be co-dependant. It's so hard to understand how WE have become sick. Talk about a silent killer!! Good grief!

I'm looking forward to finding the old Janet again. I'm a little afraid that I'm permanently scarred, worn-out or that I'm too damaged. I pray that I've learned from this nightmare. I know it's not over. I know I'll never be free of him and I know that with a child, as she gets older, I will have to feel her pain too, over and over and over again. I hate that part. I hate that she will probably feel shame and disappointment. I hate that she will never have a relationship with him because he is unable to sustain any relationship. People are disposable to him. Family is disposable. It's all about him and that will hurt her one day.

Oh, to do it all over again......

I'm accept this pain and nightmare because out of the ashes, has come the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. I've gotten more involved with church, I'm in leadership with Celebrate Recovery and I would have never known the common bond so many of us have here. I would have missed out. I think the best time of my life is right around the corner!!

Freedom1990

My oldest AD called the other day. I decided to answer. Inevitably the conversation came around to what a crappy father her ex is to the kids, and definitely the stepmother too. I told her to change the subject or I'd hang up. I have no time to listen to garbage like that.

I cherish my quiet times at home. Early mornings are the best. I have my coffee, meditate, and do some reading on the internet before work.

I'm proud of you, gal! :ghug2

MrsMagoo

I told Anvil in a PM that I feel like I've won the damn lottery or something! Wow! I cut down the "worry tree" too and dug out the roots so it won't come back.