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Old 07-27-2009, 08:30 AM
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relapse

i relapsed last friday, the 5th time in the last eleven months. each time has been for one night.

I was suddenly alone, and the thought that my kids were gone for the weekend came into my head and i had the thought of using...then i had a small urge, then i thought i got nothing going on anyway--so **** it i'll use.

i went downtown and tried to buy from someone off the street...i approached two teenagers and after waiting and missing the clues that they were taking me for a ride, when i went to hand them the money for the crack they tried to take the money and i wouldn't let go of it...so they pounded on my head from both sides until finally i let go of the money and they stopped and ran off.

then my car wouldn't start and i was stranded there with blood all over my clothes and car. after pondering my situation i got a tow truck to take me and my car to the dealership. so i arrived at the dealership with blood noticably splotted all over my light grey shorts and checked my car in...then i went to a store nearby and bought new shorts and put them on and threw the old ones away. my shirt was ok i figured because it was red. after spending 2 hours at the dealership i was up and running.

i was angry and thought to myself "Now i am going to use"...so i got more money out of the bank...went downtown again...and got the drug and went home and diid my usual ritual of insanity. I went back to get more 3 more times, as has been my habit, and finally quit around 11pm.

my eye is black and swollen up but i can see fine...and i got a big gash on my forehead that is the source of where my blood came from. it hurts to touch somme parts of my head and my jaw as i received about 40 punches. many of these punches were not direct hits, but a few were. my teeth are all intact.

so today is now my 3rd day clean again. I jumped back into the meetings and am pretty embarassed

i share this with you as a reminder to those here that relapse can bring some new elements into your recovery. for me this was the first time i was really beat up. I was lucky to have not gotten hurt badly.

for me it has never helped to think about the consequences. and I don't expect different results when I go back to the drink/drug. I experience discomfort...be it anger, self hate, lonliness, boredom to name a few...and i don't want to feel it...and so i medicate myself.

it's like if my foot is hurting...then when I use it's like taking a 10 pound sledge hammer and wacking it into my knee. after that my foot is forgotten and i'm in new pain. crack is nothing but pain for me. I don't enjoy it but it takes away the discomfort. If only i could simply drink again that would be better. but the problem is that a drink will only lower my defenses and send me right back downtown, besides the FACT that if i could drink and not smoke crack then I would most likely end up drinking everyday and go the route of alcohol.

so that's my situation. I'm doing good today. I'm glad I have people in AA who care for me. there are many who are sad for me, and who care and don't judge me which is helpful.

so I'm telling myself to start practicing prayer...that's new. and to stay in today which i've practiced a lot lately and also have room for improvement. somehow i have to live with the pains of anger and boredom, and to live with the underlying FEAR that is the root of all my discomfort.

thanks for listening
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:35 AM
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Wow, a great story as to why we need to seek and cling to recovery like we would a bouy while shipwrecked far out in a turbulent sea. I've posted the following poem before but this post is for you. I believe it speaks to all of us desperatly seeking addicts. May you find peace. Namaste

CRY OUT IN YOUR WEAKNESS

A dragon was pulling a bear into its terrible mouth
A courageous man went and rescued the bear.
There are such helpers in the world, who rush to save
anyone who cries out. Like mercy itself,
they run toward the screaming.
And they can’t be bought off.
If you were to ask one of those, “Why did you come
so quickly?” he or she would say, “Because I heard your helplessness.”
Where lowland is,
that’s where water goes. All medicine wants is pain to cure.
And don’t just ask for one mercy.
Let them flood in. Let the sky open under your feet.
Take the cotton out of your ears, the cotton
of consolations, so you can hear the sphere-music.
Push the hair out of your eyes.
Blow the phlegm from your nose,
and from your brain.
Let the wind breeze through.
Leave no residue in yourself from that bilious fever.
Take the cure for impotence,
that your manhood may shoot forth,
and a hundred new beings come of your coming.
Tear the binding from around the foot
of your soul, and let it race around the track
in front of the crowd. Loosen the knot of greed
so tight on your neck. Accept your new good luck.
Give your weakness
to one who helps.

Crying out loud and weeping are great resources.
A nursing mother, all she does
is wait to hear her child.
Just a little beginning-whimper,
and she’s there.
God created the child, that is, your wanting,
so that it might cry out, so that milk might come.
Cry out! Don’t be stolid and silent
with your pain. Lament! And let the milk
of loving flow into you.
The hard rain and wind
are ways the cloud has
to take care of us.
Be patient.
Respond to every call
that excites your spirit.
Ignore those that make you fearful
and sad, that degrade you
back toward disease and death.

Rumi
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:35 AM
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If this isn't an example of powerlessness, i don't know what is. Thanks for sharing. :praying
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:55 AM
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That's an awful story, Ksplash. Really, you are lucky to be alive, you could have been killed.

I'm glad you're back!
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Old 07-27-2009, 09:00 AM
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Damn. It hurt to read that, I know you've got to want a life better than this, you've been here on SR for over 4 years and continue to reach out for support.

Your sig line says it all......enough Day 1's already...it's time, right now, for the second half of my life, one day, one breath at a time

ksplash, I'm a proud father, I can't imagine how it would affect my kids to see me beat up like that. Relapse can also bring death, so please think about that too, no child deserves to be without a parent.

Sending you prayers, peace, comfort, serenity, anything that would be helpful in your recovery. Please keep reaching out to AA, I know for a fact they'll never stop caring.
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Old 07-27-2009, 09:28 AM
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When I relapsed last week I felt ruined. Like I'd destroyed my last hope. I pray it wasn't my last hope and that I can keep moving forward. I pray you find peace.
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Old 07-27-2009, 09:37 AM
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Crack is my DOC so I can relate to you when the urges come and youre all alone is a recipe for trouble. Thankfully you didnt get hurt to bad. To put yourself at risk 3 more times after the initial incident shows us how powerful and sick we are in this addiction.

WELCOME BACK
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:43 PM
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Crack is the devil incarnate. It was my go-to drug after the booze stopped working. So glad you made it back. I can relate so much to your story. Hang on... (HUG)
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Old 07-27-2009, 01:19 PM
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I want to sincerely thank you guys for calling a relapse what it is, instead of some pathetic 'slip' nonsense.

I personally have a great deal of respect for those who relapse, come back, and honestly admit their actions.

I think you have a HIGH probablility of being successful in your future efforts.

Determine what will be different this time around, make it happen.

ksplash, least, keep coming back PLEASE... I love your honesty.
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Old 07-27-2009, 03:04 PM
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I remember about 10 yrs ago where I was robbed..The only time I have ever been strait robbed forcefully. I didnt want to let go of the money either. I had a gun pointed at me and I still didnt want to let go. So I ended up getting pistol whipped in the face knocking my 2 front teeth out all the way to the gum line and a hole threough my lip where the teeth hit. I also got shot in the leg. And by some great luck...The rest of the shots barely missed my boyfriend at the time head 3 times. All that over $30.
And I had a couple hundred more in my pocket.
This is just proof at how gripping that drug is. How desperate we become.
I am lucky to be alive more times than I can count ksplash. And so are you and every other addict out there.
I would put this one in the "Thank your lucky stars" category.
I am glad your ok and I really hope that was enough to squash any doubt in your mind that using is a good idea.
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Old 07-27-2009, 04:42 PM
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thank you everyone for your responses. it means a lot to me.

today has/is going well. over the weekend i attended our AA state conferance and it was great. today I've attended 2 meetings and spent about 5 hours at my home alano club. I feel better than I have in a long time.

I have spent about an hour working on step 6 on paper (it's was four months ago that i started this and left it sitting until today).

today I experienced step 2 at the meetings with a new awareness of the insanity of drinking/using......with this I feel myself opening to possibility; to saying yes to life.

my fourth day again. this day is the "clearest" that I have felt in a long time. I have prayed and am determined to continue this beginning of prayer every day. I sang a prayer in the shower...and old prayer/song that i used to do years ago. it has felt good to pray today.

I will continue to stay in today, and live in the moment, and to listen to others and the universe around me. and I will live and stay clean today.

maybe long term sobriety can happen for me. i had it once for almost 8 years...depression became unbearable and i drank...then i turned to crack...and now for the last 9 years crack has been in my life. the first 3 years were the most use...but the insanity in my brain gets worse and worse over time when i use the stuff.

i don't enjoy crack...If i enjoyed crack i don't know how i could quit since it's been so hard and it brings me pain and i always know it will bring me pain.

it's the few moments of getting it, these moments are "exciting" ....they releive the discomfort in my body that comes from anger and boredom. then the excruciating discomfort of the crack also releives the pain with an even greater trauma.

i need to find something else that is exciting and compelling to releive the pain. I need to turn to prayer to releive the pain. I need to experience the pain instead of run from it and numb it. I need to really really get it my head that crack or anything else does not releive this pain. today i feel that I can do this, but today i am not feeling pain

pain and uncomfortablness will come and i hope these thoughts are etched enough in my heart for me to really get that the crack and alcohol doesn't serve my life, or the life of anything or anyone. i will continue to work at my recovery today while i'm feeling well, instead of slacking off in front of the tv.

thanks everyone and sr. i'm grateful for sr. it's a very helpful tool in my recovery tool bag.
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:01 PM
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I completely understand where your coming from with how the crack relieves that discomfort. But are you just reliieveing the discomfort of the urges and boredom? Or is there discomfort somewhere else in your life. I am sure the job thing may be an issue for you as well.
But yes..That anxious excitement is a thrill in its self. But ksplash. You and me both know that spending the amount of money we do and the risks we take for misery that isnt worth it. Making some dude that could give a F about you..whether you live or die and makin their pockets fat.
I know what you mean too about not enjoying it. I use to way back in the day. But I havent in years. I get all paranoid and going a million different directions at once. Swear that someone is goin to come over and see me buggin. Or the cops saw me on the cop cams in the city gettin my drugs and are gonna bust my door down. I can not be calm at all when I am high. Especially if I am home. Then coming down I have a paranoia tha drives me crazy. I swear someone is going to break in and hurt my grams. I listen for hours coming down for the slightest sounds. I am so terrified that sometyhing is going to happen and that they will get to my grams and hurt her before I can do anything. I have had that geek for the longest time. I hate that feeling. I am suppose to feel safe in my own home and I dont.
It is so freakin stressful.
But like you..I dont know why I have kept goin back. I know how its gonna go. I already know everything that will happen. How I will feel. The agony of wanting more. The miserable paranoia. The shakey come down. The feeling of wanting to drop off the face of the earth becasue I am so ashamed now.
I have seen so much and been through so much behind crack. I really couldnt tell you how I am not doing serious jail time or dead. I honestly cant. But yet knowing all that and have been through what I have been through and still go. Its insanity. It really is.
You are def not alone. My best friends sister was set on fire a few days ago on her relapse in the street on crack. She is in a burn unit right now. Her head face and shoulder were burned pretty bad.
All it takes is one little time to take your life. One tiny attempt.
I really am glad your ok. I am so glad you are back on track so quickly. I never want to see someone beat themselves up. Get back up and try again and work harder. Learn and improve your program.
I really get passionate with other addicts liek myself.
I have seen and been through the darkest hells that crack can bring you.
I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy. And I have so much respect for ones like you and others who have the courage and strength to keep trying and to overcome what seems like a life sentence of complete self destructive misery.
I am very happy and thankful you are here.
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:40 PM
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Without surrendering completely and becoming willing to follow direction,
sadly, this pattern of attitudes and actions will probably be repeated until,
in utter desperation, you ask for help in finding a new way to live your life.

Our literature, A.A. or N.A., is very specific about the progression
of this disease and the result of trying to run our lives on self-will.

i hope that, at some point, you find the freedom to make a decision
to begin a procees of recovery instead of just settling for abstinance.
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:32 AM
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(((Ksplash)) and (((Trish))) - thanks for the reminders of why I never want to go back to that ****. I had a "using dream" the other night...can't even remember the last time I had one of those. Even in my dream, I was frustrated with the crack. I was glad I woke up ticked off, not thinking "wow, that was great!!!". It was still pretty uncomfortable, kinda like my mind was being a traitor, even thinking about that stuff.

I pray you both get to where crack loses all it's appeal, no matter what.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-28-2009, 05:13 AM
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Ksplash I am thankful you are still alive to share this with us.

Prayer, so simple yet so hard to humble one self enough to do!

The amazing thing with prayer is if one is able to humble ones self to simply pray to what or who ever they increase the probability that will be able to humble them selfs enough to keep in mind that once they ingest alcohol or drugs they become powerless over said substance.

If one can humble them selfs enough to pray, they can more easily humble them selfs enough to call some one when the urge to drink or use hits.

One who is humble enough to pray puts them selfs into the position of being helped by a power greater then them selfs to do the next right thing.

Prayer leads one to a meeting where they can help some one else who is struggling there by helping them selfs in the process, prayer can lead to one calling some one who may actually be in greater need of help then the one calling.

Ksplash can I assume you are not working with sponsor?

Step one is what I would be working now, having step one down solid gives us the chance to gain full value from the other steps.

It is one thing to work the steps, it is another matter to take the steps. I have found that I had to take the steps to heart, not just go over them with my sponsor. My sponsor emphasized with me that I need to take the steps to my heart, not just do the reading and talking about them.
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Old 07-28-2009, 07:36 AM
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thank you all for your responses, compassion, input into my recovery work, and kindness. it gives me reason to come here, it is one reason i come here. i also come here to hear your experiences and those related to me and to others.

though i cant see you...this place is very helpful for me and many others...i'm grateful for you and for SR.

so I've been focusing upon prayer, been to a meeting and am now here and interacted with a good friend of mine via email, and ate healthy, all since I awoke up until now. prayer does bring humility to me--a beautiful peaceful and compassionate humility. i appreciate hearing that.

and i appreciate the words about others' difficulty with crack. chi i always appreciate you so much, as you've heard before. some of the first accounts of your crack struggles and of your words to me about my own helped me go forward years ago as well.

there are many good things around me and in my life, so i will be humbly grateful for them and i will follow and surrender to the will of the Light/god and keep doing that as best i can today.

oh and i should call my sponsor again right now!

thanks
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:23 AM
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Glad to hear you are going to call your sponsor as well, alcohol humbled me in a manner that I have never been humbled before, no matter how hard I fought it or tried to control it it systematically destroyed my spirit, it was the first thing in my life I ever met that my will alone could not overcome! Alcohol was the first thing I ever surrendered to which convinced me that I needed to find some power greater then my will alone to help me solve my problem.

Getting a sponsor and being willing to follow suggestions was a huge part of the humbling process for me.

One thing so many people get confused is the difference between humbled and humiliation, I was never humiliated, I was given the experience, strength, and hope that my sponsor had been given when he took the steps. He was firm with me when needed, but having been in my shoes he was compassionant as well.
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:35 PM
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I went back out for the exact same reasons as you. My kids went to see their Grandparents for the weekend and I'm pretty fresh from a divorce, which put me by my lonesome. Yup, depression and boredom were definitely triggers and before I knew it, I was off and running. But, after all was said and done, as I was sitting on my couch crying and wondering how It happened, I realized I would trade depression and boredom in for the hell I went through in a heartbeat. I didn't get beat up physically, but internally I got my butt kicked pretty bad. We need to not forget what we are (addicts) anytime the urge comes on, because it never fails (At least for me)...we don't stop and eventually end up worse than what we thought was miserable in the first place. It does get better bro! Learn from the experience and keep moving forward.
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