Engaged to a recovering addict - anyone in same boat?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 6
Engaged to a recovering addict - anyone in same boat?
Hi there
I am female, 28 engaged to a recovering addict. We have had our ups and downs over the past years but I feel like he is making really good head way.
He has been clean now for almost 2yrs
The problems I deal with now are the "finer details" of life.
He struggles to get good employment, he takes **** jobs which do not cover the bills and gets comfortable, refusing to look for other work. I think this would be due to his lack of confindence.
He also is unable to be in a social situation where people drink.
I dont mean go out and get hammered, I mean normal social gatherings where say a bottle of wine is involved.
He also gets upset if I go out and drink on my own with my friends. This has led to me just saying no whenever I am invited out. I feel very alone in this.
He has his meetings to socialise and I dont seem to have anyone who understands my situation.
I work 7 days a week to support us and do not have any social life.
I feel resentful towards him because of this...........am I asking for to much?
I am female, 28 engaged to a recovering addict. We have had our ups and downs over the past years but I feel like he is making really good head way.
He has been clean now for almost 2yrs
The problems I deal with now are the "finer details" of life.
He struggles to get good employment, he takes **** jobs which do not cover the bills and gets comfortable, refusing to look for other work. I think this would be due to his lack of confindence.
He also is unable to be in a social situation where people drink.
I dont mean go out and get hammered, I mean normal social gatherings where say a bottle of wine is involved.
He also gets upset if I go out and drink on my own with my friends. This has led to me just saying no whenever I am invited out. I feel very alone in this.
He has his meetings to socialise and I dont seem to have anyone who understands my situation.
I work 7 days a week to support us and do not have any social life.
I feel resentful towards him because of this...........am I asking for to much?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Hi and Welcome... I have often received this response when I have posted here and it is the first thing that popped into my head when I read you note...what are you getting out of this relationship?
This question has made me stop and think many, many times. The focus needs to be on you and what you want out of life and a relationship. I am not saying that relationships don't mean give and take and that you always need to get your way... I am saying that YOU need to watch out for YOU and work to take see that you are are doing what brings you happiness. Starting off with resentments is not a good place to be.
Figure out what you need... and then work to get that... it will come together if you are true to yourself and trust in yourself.
Hugs!
This question has made me stop and think many, many times. The focus needs to be on you and what you want out of life and a relationship. I am not saying that relationships don't mean give and take and that you always need to get your way... I am saying that YOU need to watch out for YOU and work to take see that you are are doing what brings you happiness. Starting off with resentments is not a good place to be.
Figure out what you need... and then work to get that... it will come together if you are true to yourself and trust in yourself.
Hugs!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Spiral writer... Welcome...
I agree with imallright, What are you getting out of this relationship?
Two years ago I married a guy like yours. He was a recovering addict and he said he had been clean for about a year.. He too worked/works crappy jobs that did not cover the bills and seemd to be unmotivated to do anything else. I figured all that would change when we got married because then he would be a husband and have another person to look out for.
Fast forward two years. My AH has relapsed not once but twice, he has lied to me constantly about anything and everything and last year I caught him sending dirty text messeges to a coworker. His most recent screw up was getting let go from his job. Still don't know the whole story on that one and I woulden't believe it anyway because of all the lies he has told in the past. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to my AH. In his spare time he would rather play video games and sleep then to do something productive with his life. ~ Sound familier?
Getting clean is just half the battle. My AH has been clean or so he says for 9 months now but he is still the same person he was when he was using. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm not here to tell you to run and never look back, only you can decide that but I did want you to hear my story because living with someone like this does not get any easier or better it just gets worse. It's a lot easier to get out of an engagement then it is to get out of a marriage, a lot cheaper too.
There are meetings for you too... Have you tried Alanon.. if not please please do, It will help you so much with your situation.
Resentments are former expectations.. expectations that he has failed to meet and resentments will only eat you up inside. Is this any way to start out a life together? Are you fair in your thinking? Yes, You work 7 days a week to make ends meet all the while he is having a grand ol time doing whatever it is they do during the day. Get help for yourself and whatever you do don't marry him until you see some significant changes.
I agree with imallright, What are you getting out of this relationship?
Two years ago I married a guy like yours. He was a recovering addict and he said he had been clean for about a year.. He too worked/works crappy jobs that did not cover the bills and seemd to be unmotivated to do anything else. I figured all that would change when we got married because then he would be a husband and have another person to look out for.
Fast forward two years. My AH has relapsed not once but twice, he has lied to me constantly about anything and everything and last year I caught him sending dirty text messeges to a coworker. His most recent screw up was getting let go from his job. Still don't know the whole story on that one and I woulden't believe it anyway because of all the lies he has told in the past. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to my AH. In his spare time he would rather play video games and sleep then to do something productive with his life. ~ Sound familier?
Getting clean is just half the battle. My AH has been clean or so he says for 9 months now but he is still the same person he was when he was using. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm not here to tell you to run and never look back, only you can decide that but I did want you to hear my story because living with someone like this does not get any easier or better it just gets worse. It's a lot easier to get out of an engagement then it is to get out of a marriage, a lot cheaper too.
He has his meetings to socialise and I dont seem to have anyone who understands my situation.
I feel resentful towards him because of this
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, i've been married to a ra for 23 yrs so i can relate. i found out that my ah had a drug problem while engaged but against all sound and professional advice, i married anyway. not saying that you shouldn't marry but i am saying that if dcide to proceed, you should definitely proceed with great caution.
if i had to do it all over again, with what i know now about living with addiction, i would run as fast as i could, in the opposite direction.
imho, sounds like you are already being a little stressed. maybe its time for you to decide whether or not this is something you can live with. you can't change people, you can only change you and your actions. though 2 yrs is good and i do pray that he continues in recovery mode, 2 yrs is not a very long time. i relapsed after 9 yrs and it took for me to lose most everything i cared about before i found my way back on the road of recovery.
if i had to make a suggestion, i would suggest focus more on you and allow him to do the same. keeping you and yours in my prayers
if i had to do it all over again, with what i know now about living with addiction, i would run as fast as i could, in the opposite direction.
imho, sounds like you are already being a little stressed. maybe its time for you to decide whether or not this is something you can live with. you can't change people, you can only change you and your actions. though 2 yrs is good and i do pray that he continues in recovery mode, 2 yrs is not a very long time. i relapsed after 9 yrs and it took for me to lose most everything i cared about before i found my way back on the road of recovery.
if i had to make a suggestion, i would suggest focus more on you and allow him to do the same. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
First i think that when you make a marriage commitment to someone it is reasonable to expect them to pull their weight with finances. If he cannot then you have to decide if you are willing to be the bread winner of the family - does he offer other things that make up for that or is this something you will always resent? if you will resent it the maybe slow down until he can get on his feet.
as for the social drinking - there is nothing wrong with a non-addict engaging in social drinking. But for the person who is involved with an addict it is tricky. If he cannot handle being around that and you dont want to make changes in that area then you both have to decide what you can live with. This is a compromise that the two of you have to make. I do have a little sympathy for him in this area because some addicts just cant be around it without it triggering their disease. He's clean and that is wonderful - if he knows that he has limitations when being around others drinking is that something you would be willing to give up? If not, which is entirely your choice, then think about this seriously before making a life commitment. I dont drink around my AS and i dont have alcohol in the house - it was a choice i made - i can drink but i dont around him because i know it makes it harder on him.
You know there are social activities that dont include alcohol. In time this may get easier for him but for now he's told you he cant handle it. Now you have to decide what you want. you cant make him change - but you can decide what kind of life you want to live.
as for the social drinking - there is nothing wrong with a non-addict engaging in social drinking. But for the person who is involved with an addict it is tricky. If he cannot handle being around that and you dont want to make changes in that area then you both have to decide what you can live with. This is a compromise that the two of you have to make. I do have a little sympathy for him in this area because some addicts just cant be around it without it triggering their disease. He's clean and that is wonderful - if he knows that he has limitations when being around others drinking is that something you would be willing to give up? If not, which is entirely your choice, then think about this seriously before making a life commitment. I dont drink around my AS and i dont have alcohol in the house - it was a choice i made - i can drink but i dont around him because i know it makes it harder on him.
You know there are social activities that dont include alcohol. In time this may get easier for him but for now he's told you he cant handle it. Now you have to decide what you want. you cant make him change - but you can decide what kind of life you want to live.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well you have gotten EXCELLENT advice so far from above.
Sounds to me like he is 'playing' at recovery. Part of the A's recovery MUST BE SELF SUPPORTING THROUGH OUR OWN CONTRIBUTIONS. Sounds to me like he's still using someone else 'to take care of him.' (ie enabling).
As to not wanting to be around alcohol ....................................... well everyone is different .............................. it took me until about 3 or 4 years to be comfortable even just going out to eat in a nice restaurant where someone at other tables might be having a glass of wine or drinking. However, I did do other things with my sober friends, picnics, movies, conventions, round-ups, etc all of it teaching me how to be in social situations without alcohol or drugs.
I have to agree with the above, check out Al-Anon for YOU. You don't have to walk on 'eggshells' around him. You don't have to be the 'bread winner.' Al-Anon will help you to learn to set your own boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.
I too have to ask "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Sounds to me like he is 'playing' at recovery. Part of the A's recovery MUST BE SELF SUPPORTING THROUGH OUR OWN CONTRIBUTIONS. Sounds to me like he's still using someone else 'to take care of him.' (ie enabling).
As to not wanting to be around alcohol ....................................... well everyone is different .............................. it took me until about 3 or 4 years to be comfortable even just going out to eat in a nice restaurant where someone at other tables might be having a glass of wine or drinking. However, I did do other things with my sober friends, picnics, movies, conventions, round-ups, etc all of it teaching me how to be in social situations without alcohol or drugs.
I have to agree with the above, check out Al-Anon for YOU. You don't have to walk on 'eggshells' around him. You don't have to be the 'bread winner.' Al-Anon will help you to learn to set your own boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.
I too have to ask "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
if i had to do it all over again, with what i know now about living with addiction, i would run as fast as i could, in the opposite direction.
I think about this often. My now husband relapsed while we were dating, I broke it off with him, but got back with him after he got clean. He relapsed again 3 months after we got married, and this led to a 3-7 year prison term, of which he served 2 years.
He's been home since Nov 08. He has changed. He got a job immediately. His money goes right to the house. He spends his time with his children, and his brother who is also in recovery. Things are great today.
If this continues, then I would say the hell I went through with my husband was just part of God's plan for us. BUT, I won't go through it again. If he relapses, our marriage is over.
So back to the original post
Only you can make this decision. My mother would ask if you would be happy in this relationship if it stayed exactly the same for the next 5 years. If not...get out!
I think about this often. My now husband relapsed while we were dating, I broke it off with him, but got back with him after he got clean. He relapsed again 3 months after we got married, and this led to a 3-7 year prison term, of which he served 2 years.
He's been home since Nov 08. He has changed. He got a job immediately. His money goes right to the house. He spends his time with his children, and his brother who is also in recovery. Things are great today.
If this continues, then I would say the hell I went through with my husband was just part of God's plan for us. BUT, I won't go through it again. If he relapses, our marriage is over.
So back to the original post
Only you can make this decision. My mother would ask if you would be happy in this relationship if it stayed exactly the same for the next 5 years. If not...get out!
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