michelled

This is the first time I have posted on here. i am sober over 5 years, married to an alcoholic who has now decided out of the blue he wants to leave me. I am so sad and scared. I attend alanon and aa and I know what I should be doing but I some how cant get thru the emotional wreckage right now to think straight. I am obsessed w/ finding out if there is another woman...he has been staying out all nite saying he is out doing coke w/ friends, comes home, goes to work , goes back out, but in between he will be "sober" a day or two and does and says some sweet things and acts like everything is ok??? I think he is just trying to control the situation and mess w/ my head, his disease gets the best of him and back out he goes. Or, he may feel bad about the things he is putting me thru (when he is sober)and has to leave to get numb again, believe me I know about not wanting to feel the bad stuff and just wanting to drink it away.I am terrified I wont be able to take care of my kids (from a previous relationship) and me and it is killing me to think of him being w/ another woman and just the cold, uncaring attitude he has. I know all of this is typical alcoholic stuff, but I am having such a hard time keeping myself from obsessing and thinking about it all the time. I can't seem to let go. I am in tears all the time and emotional upheaval, can't eat or sleep, which I am sure is what he wants, my world revolving around him. I feel really crazy right now.I am not going to drink over it, but I can't get rid of these feelings of desperation.......any advice?? So confused and so sad and so scared. I MUST trust in my higher power that things will all be okay. Funny thing is is that I feel like this is all karma-i did this exact thing to my ex husband (great guy) when I left him for my AH.

gns

Dear Michelle,

You can do this! Whatever happens with your ex - you can make it through!
I think most of us have experienced the despreation and feeling like we were going to fall apart. I know for me, I would never have thought it - but I came out happier on the other end.

I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

Congratulations for being sober for 5 years!

TrainWreckAgain

Michelle,

Welcome to SR. It saddens me that you have a reason to be here, but you have found a great place. There is so much compassion, knowledge, wisdom and some tough love too from the members.

Most of us can empathize with you on the pain and insantiy of having a friend or family member who is in the depths of addiction.

Many of us have a few standard suggestions... they were given to me when I first arrived here... and I am passing them on to you... because they work.

First, you need to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. To the greatest extent possible... which I know is hard.

Second, if you have not already gone to an Al Anon meeting, I would strongly recommend it. Al Anon is the "other side" of AA. It is for those of us who have a loved one who is an addict. I was VERY dubious of it when I first went. Now I go to meetings 3-4 times a week. It really worked for me.

Third, one of the things Al Anon teaches is then you think about your loved ones issues, "You didn't create it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." I am still working on really internalizing that message. In the case of my xAGF (ex-addicted girl friend), her issues and her drinking were present way before I showed up. I suspect that is true of your AH (alcoholic/addict husband). In spite of all my efforts, I certainly could not control her use of drugs and alcohol. And, it is well beyong my means to fix.

The only thing we CAN do is to focus on ourselves. We can look inside at our own issues, make ourselves better/stronger people, and control our own destiny. Al Anon is about helping us stop focusing on the alcoholic and bring our focus back to "our side of the street."

I have also learned the hard way that looking for rationality in the behavoir of a alcoholic or addict is equally insane. The person is no longer in complete control of their brain. The only thing that really matters is figuring out how to get the next bottle, pill, joint or whatever their drug of choice is. It is almost lie the invasion of the body snatchers. It looks like my xAGF, sort of sounds like her, sort of moves like her.... but it is not her.

I wish I had words of wisdom and comfort for you around the sense of abandonment and betrayal. I struggle with that myself. But I have come to understand that although I played my part as an enabler, her issues and choices are her own. I know that I am a good and loveable man. It is her loss.

I am sure others will have more to say.... but know there are many of us here that are with you in spirit.

TakingCharge999

Hi michelle!

Just offering some hugs... its a tough spot to be in... we all know here. What is important is that you keep that sobriety. One breathe at a time. Just breathe.

Keep reading and posting here. It helped me a lot... remember God/HP is looking after you, entrust him with your life, with your feelings, let him handle them.. and you will have an answer.

michelled

Thanks guys. Got a good night's sleep finally and got up early to go for a morning walk, going to be a nice day here so I am going to spend time w/ my horses!! (They give me such a spiritual charge!) It has been way too long since I focused on myself and actually when I think about it, he started treating me worse and getting worse when I began obsessing w/ him more and more and concentrating on myself less and less a few years ago.....funny how there is a correlation, lol! I gotta make it "all about me" in a good way, of course. Planning on going to a meeting tonite! Thank you all so much for the encouragement! I am feeling good about being on this site!

beginner

Hi Michelle,

I'm glad (from your last post) that you are feeling better. I think you've stumbled on the absolute most important thing. Taking care of yourself. Having a life for yourself. Doing things you love to do. Finding support. I am familiar with the pain you feel in response to your alcoholic husband's words... but so often their words are not a personal thing at all but a power game they are playing. My husband threatened to divorce me a few days ago and said every hurtful thing he could think of to say in response to my setting what I thought was a very small and simple boundary. The next day he felt differently... I'm not saying this is the case with your husband, however - everyone's circumstances are different. The dynamics just sound familiar! Try and detach and care for yourself as you are already beginning to do...

MissFixit

Hi there,

Sorry you are sad.

It hurts. If he wants to leave for whatever reason, then aside from talking with him (if that is what you want to do) I think you just have to let him leave. I don't think there is a healthy way to make someone stay when they want to go. You are much better off without someone like that in your life despite how you may feel right now.

If he is drinking and you are not (congrats on 5 years), then maybe it is a good thing that you are not around him.

Miss

Lilly Burn

I had to let my AH go, he wanted to leave (for the 12th or 13th time in our marriage) but this time I knew he had a "game plan". It was very hard not to beg as I had always done, but Im glad I didnt. I allowed it to happen with as much dignity as I could muster (I could fall apart with my family and friends instead) and then as soon as was practicable (ie when his stuff was gone), I went no contact. I was with him 7 years, its been six months (just) since I saw him, 5 since we spoke. It was devestating, I felt lost, scared, lonely, angry, cried all the time, but I have moved on now. It is best for me that hes not around to play all his games, no dramas, no fear of abandonment (his main card at all times) and it does get better, it really does, I would not have believed it in February, but hang on, you will get there...Let him go if that is what he wants, Toby Rice says its hard to lose an alcoholic...mine tried to contact me loads of times once he went, but I didnt want to hear what he had to say, we have no children and I have to get on with my life...My greatest fear is the damage his words would do if I spoke to him..I hang onto that knowledge and stay away. Its amazing how in control you will find you feel once your not dancing to someones insane ways of thinking...Good luck. This board has helped me tremendously, keep reading the posts and posting, it will give you the strength you need....Lilly

bookwyrm

My AH left me almost a year ago. His OW moved in with him in under 2 months. We were together 18 years. At the time my life was in complete turmoil. Now, I think it was the best gift he ever gave me. He still sends me into a tailspin when I have to contact him but since he left I have discovered that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. The OW has meant I don't have to deal with him a whole lot - he has someone else to quack to. She is welcome to him.

Reading lots, posting here and going to counselling help me change my thinking. I will never take him back and I will try to never let myself get into the same position again.

You can get through this - I did! Turn your focus onto you. Let him go. Stop obsessing about him - easier said than done, I know, but it is a habit you need to break. Take care of yourself. :ghug3

michelled

Thank you so much, everyone for your kind words! Feeling better and turning it over minute by minute, sometimes, but I am letting my HP take care of it!!