Discussion: Co-Dependency and "Recycling"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Discussion: Co-Dependency and "Recycling"
I have been reading and re-reading "Beyond Codependency" by Melodie Beattie and think I am definitely in a recycling situation.
She defines this as a "lapse into our old behaviors....we can get stuck, spin our wheels, then discover that we have gotten ourselves more deeply entrenched in the muck....our instinctive reaction is usually one of denial, shame and self-neglect. That's not the way out. That's the way in more deeply."
I would like to propose a discussion of the warning signs she lists of when we might be in a recycling situation, and would love to hear how some of you here at SR have dealt with them. Here is the first:
Emotions shut down. We may go numb and begin freezing or ignoring feelings. We return to the mind set that feelings are unnecessary, inappropriate, unjustifed or unimportant. We may tell ourselves the same things about wants and needs.
Any thoughts?
She defines this as a "lapse into our old behaviors....we can get stuck, spin our wheels, then discover that we have gotten ourselves more deeply entrenched in the muck....our instinctive reaction is usually one of denial, shame and self-neglect. That's not the way out. That's the way in more deeply."
I would like to propose a discussion of the warning signs she lists of when we might be in a recycling situation, and would love to hear how some of you here at SR have dealt with them. Here is the first:
Emotions shut down. We may go numb and begin freezing or ignoring feelings. We return to the mind set that feelings are unnecessary, inappropriate, unjustifed or unimportant. We may tell ourselves the same things about wants and needs.
Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Good topic.
I think this goes hand in hand with what seems to be a common thread among friends and family and their a's -- the idea that we are "oversensitive" or "crazy."
I know from my own experience, the first few times my axbf told me I was "too emotional," "crazy," etc., I knew he was wrong and I laughed at him. I was secure enough in who I was that I knew I was, if anything, thicker skinned than most people. But after a while, or when I was vulnerable from something else he'd said or done, I found myself beginning to wonder if it was true -- maybe I should be cordoning off my emotions? Taking it down a notch? Distracting myself from my feelings by doing other stuff?
I was NOT successful in doing those things -- thank God.
Now, in retrospect, it scares me that I would have considered my own turbulent emotions as my enemies, rather than as signals that something was terribly, terribly wrong with the way I was living and the choices I was making.
at2
I think this goes hand in hand with what seems to be a common thread among friends and family and their a's -- the idea that we are "oversensitive" or "crazy."
I know from my own experience, the first few times my axbf told me I was "too emotional," "crazy," etc., I knew he was wrong and I laughed at him. I was secure enough in who I was that I knew I was, if anything, thicker skinned than most people. But after a while, or when I was vulnerable from something else he'd said or done, I found myself beginning to wonder if it was true -- maybe I should be cordoning off my emotions? Taking it down a notch? Distracting myself from my feelings by doing other stuff?
I was NOT successful in doing those things -- thank God.
Now, in retrospect, it scares me that I would have considered my own turbulent emotions as my enemies, rather than as signals that something was terribly, terribly wrong with the way I was living and the choices I was making.
at2
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
well in my situation, i don't kill my emotions. i show my emotions to my ah. he doesns't understand my happiness or sadness. i don't expect him to be happy when i am happy. in my case it is my anger that i can not control. when i am angry with my ah i don't show it to him. i try to be calm but i feel anger inside of me. it remains there and ends with depression!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
The intensity of your emotions when you're being constantly put through the emotional wringer can be so overwhelming that you start to numb them. Also when your self esteem is low and someone tells you that you are over reacting you start to believe them. You also get so exhausted with it all that you end up numb as a coping strategy to keep going.
It took hours of talking, both to friends and a counsellor before I started to really feel my feelings instead of what I believed I was feeling (if that makes any sense).
I found myself in a situation last week with my AXBF where he started pushing my buttons and my emotions kicked in. Immediately afterwards I started to question myself and the validity of my feelings and I saw that he had been victorious. I was shutting him out and refusing to play his games and as soon as he goaded me and I responded he was back on top and I was back to disbelieving my emotions. He was back in control which was exactly where he wanted to be.
It took hours of talking, both to friends and a counsellor before I started to really feel my feelings instead of what I believed I was feeling (if that makes any sense).
I found myself in a situation last week with my AXBF where he started pushing my buttons and my emotions kicked in. Immediately afterwards I started to question myself and the validity of my feelings and I saw that he had been victorious. I was shutting him out and refusing to play his games and as soon as he goaded me and I responded he was back on top and I was back to disbelieving my emotions. He was back in control which was exactly where he wanted to be.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Blunting your feelings is a defense mechanism, sometimes there are too many and they are overwhelming. We have to be able to function, and when the emotions threaten to disable us our reaction is to bury them.
As long as we take action, to get ourselves out of whatever situation is causing these destructive emotions, I see this as a healthy reaction.
As long as we take action, to get ourselves out of whatever situation is causing these destructive emotions, I see this as a healthy reaction.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I'm struggling to cope with repressed emotions now I no longer 'have' to blunt them or walk on eggshells since my STBXAH left. Burying emotions may be good in the short term, but hell in the longer term. My numbness cracks and I'm all over the place. I have no idea how to experience/handle any strong emotion at all. My moods swings are taking a progressively downwards trend. Working with my counsellor is helping me become better at dealing with my emotions in a more healthy way.
I don't engage with STBXAH when he tries to mess with me but it still sends me reeling into an obsessive tailspin (I've been arguing with him in my head for the past 2 weeks!). This is my 'version' of recycling. Usually I don't think about him much and just get on with things. Recycling is, in my view, an essential part of my recovery. I learn more and more about my habits of thought each time it happens. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do on this - but it isn't a bad thing! Progress, not perfection...
I don't engage with STBXAH when he tries to mess with me but it still sends me reeling into an obsessive tailspin (I've been arguing with him in my head for the past 2 weeks!). This is my 'version' of recycling. Usually I don't think about him much and just get on with things. Recycling is, in my view, an essential part of my recovery. I learn more and more about my habits of thought each time it happens. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do on this - but it isn't a bad thing! Progress, not perfection...
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
"feeling" is also new to me too...it has been so long since I have stopped the denial and dealt with reality of how I am being treated. I have dated a path of guys who seem to use my kindness for their advantage and today I am single and very slowly building myself back up before I ever even think about a new relationship. I though being needed or "nursing" was a good thing, I used to use the phrase "oh, be nice" a lot and apologized constantly. I no longer do that and I truly believe the Codependency book has helped me.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
I'm struggling to cope with repressed emotions now I no longer 'have' to blunt them or walk on eggshells since my STBXAH left. Burying emotions may be good in the short term, but hell in the longer term. My numbness cracks and I'm all over the place. I have no idea how to experience/handle any strong emotion at all. My moods swings are taking a progressively downwards trend. Working with my counsellor is helping me become better at dealing with my emotions in a more healthy way.
I don't engage with STBXAH when he tries to mess with me but it still sends me reeling into an obsessive tailspin (I've been arguing with him in my head for the past 2 weeks!). This is my 'version' of recycling. Usually I don't think about him much and just get on with things. Recycling is, in my view, an essential part of my recovery. I learn more and more about my habits of thought each time it happens. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do on this - but it isn't a bad thing! Progress, not perfection...
I don't engage with STBXAH when he tries to mess with me but it still sends me reeling into an obsessive tailspin (I've been arguing with him in my head for the past 2 weeks!). This is my 'version' of recycling. Usually I don't think about him much and just get on with things. Recycling is, in my view, an essential part of my recovery. I learn more and more about my habits of thought each time it happens. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do on this - but it isn't a bad thing! Progress, not perfection...
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
One day, soon I hope, I can finally go no contact with him. I hope that I will then stop giving him room in my head! I really feel for those of you on the boards who still have to maintain contact because of children.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
OK, folks here is the next one:
Compulsive behaviors return. We may begin compulsively eating, caretaking, controlling, working, staying busy, spending money, engaging in sexual behaviors, or anything else we compulusively do to avoid feeling.
Compulsive behaviors return. We may begin compulsively eating, caretaking, controlling, working, staying busy, spending money, engaging in sexual behaviors, or anything else we compulusively do to avoid feeling.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
My DOC is work. When I am slipping back into codie recycling, I can work 20 hours a day. It is a protective shell, from inside of which I can call out, "Nope, sorry, can't do that, I'm too busy to [insert healthier behavior here]) That struck a chord with me, DM!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
I put a lot of weight on when I was with my XABF. When I started getting my head a bit clearer I lost more than 3 stone. Then I let him back into my head and since then I have been eating for England. I also found myself drinking a lot which was unbelievable considering all the hell his alcohol abuse put me through.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Yeah, I'm a compulsive eater too - I eat away all my emotions. I too have been losing weight since losing the STBXAH! Doesn't mean I don't have my binges - my emotions are still all up and down - but I'm more aware of what I'm doing and what is triggering them which helps!
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