He's gone -
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
He's gone -
It has taken me a long time to finally reach my breaking point with him, but I did. I finally asked him (ABF)to leave. It was incredibly difficult for me to do this because I adore this man. But it was way past time.
We came together as newly separated public officials about two years ago. We had similar interests and the same sense of humor. I don't think I've ever laughed with anyone like I have with him ever. In other words, he got me and I got him.
I had no idea he had a drinking problem at the time. It took several months before I realized it. Having never been around this type of problem in my life, I wasn't equipped to handle it. I would logon here and read and read. Then I would talk to a few friends who had similar issues with friends. But in the end I always felt if he loved me enough he would stop drinking. Even though I knew better it was what I needed to get me through the night.
Did it work? Of course not. I went through one rehab with him. Did that work? No. Since we have been together (almost two years) he has lost a career that he loved, lost a second job with a promising career, had an accident that nearly claimed his life, almost lost his children and is now losing me. I'm sure the list is longer if I sat down and really spent time on it. All this in not even two years. Yet I hung in there thinking that "I" could, with all of my positive guidance, help make things better.
Now he is very ill. I believe that if he doesn't get medical help he may die. He is only 39. He looks twice his age and was once a very very handsome man. I believe he has liver damage and is still drinking. I told him to pack his bags and leave. He acted like he was blindsided. <shrug> I stayed strong and fell apart when he finally left.
It's been a sad and LONG weekend. I have no idea where he is or what he'll do but that's his issue now. I guess I should be glad that it only took me less than 24 months to do this but i feel like it's been a lifetime.
I will miss the fun times that we had together. We did have those. It wasn't all doom and gloom over his drinking. But the drinking did escalate as I knew it would and now this.
Sadness just continues to wash over me. To see such a promising life and career just go down the tubes hurts. It just does.
I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over again. I need to stay strong now. If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate.
Thanks for listening. (sniffle)
We came together as newly separated public officials about two years ago. We had similar interests and the same sense of humor. I don't think I've ever laughed with anyone like I have with him ever. In other words, he got me and I got him.
I had no idea he had a drinking problem at the time. It took several months before I realized it. Having never been around this type of problem in my life, I wasn't equipped to handle it. I would logon here and read and read. Then I would talk to a few friends who had similar issues with friends. But in the end I always felt if he loved me enough he would stop drinking. Even though I knew better it was what I needed to get me through the night.
Did it work? Of course not. I went through one rehab with him. Did that work? No. Since we have been together (almost two years) he has lost a career that he loved, lost a second job with a promising career, had an accident that nearly claimed his life, almost lost his children and is now losing me. I'm sure the list is longer if I sat down and really spent time on it. All this in not even two years. Yet I hung in there thinking that "I" could, with all of my positive guidance, help make things better.
Now he is very ill. I believe that if he doesn't get medical help he may die. He is only 39. He looks twice his age and was once a very very handsome man. I believe he has liver damage and is still drinking. I told him to pack his bags and leave. He acted like he was blindsided. <shrug> I stayed strong and fell apart when he finally left.
It's been a sad and LONG weekend. I have no idea where he is or what he'll do but that's his issue now. I guess I should be glad that it only took me less than 24 months to do this but i feel like it's been a lifetime.
I will miss the fun times that we had together. We did have those. It wasn't all doom and gloom over his drinking. But the drinking did escalate as I knew it would and now this.
Sadness just continues to wash over me. To see such a promising life and career just go down the tubes hurts. It just does.
I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over again. I need to stay strong now. If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate.
Thanks for listening. (sniffle)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
BrandiSue. I could have probably written your post about 18 months ago and understand just how awful you must be feeling now. Even after I kicked him out it still took me a long time to disengage. If I'm totally honest it is something that I am still working on. I just wanted to say that what you have done is very brave and is probably the best thing for both of you. Please be kind to yourself and start to put yourself first. I think that is one of the most difficult thing when you have spent so long trying to look after your ABF. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
BrandiSue, I'm so sorry, but I am glad you took this move to protect your future happiness. I too was not interested in signing someone's death certificate - especially my own, from stress-related illness and disease. 
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
BrandiSue,
You have shown a lot of courage. Good on you! Don't put yourself down for not realizing things sooner, we all have to learn at our own pace. The analogy used on this forum is the frog in the pot, the frog doesn't realize the water in getting hotter until it is too late. You got yourself out of the hot pot!
Grieving the loss of a relationship is healthy. Let it out. Reach out for help if you feel like you are getting stuck in your grief.
If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate.
Please understand, he is the only one with that much power. You would just be taking a front row seat into his dramatic life if you let him back into your world.
Take care of you!
You have shown a lot of courage. Good on you! Don't put yourself down for not realizing things sooner, we all have to learn at our own pace. The analogy used on this forum is the frog in the pot, the frog doesn't realize the water in getting hotter until it is too late. You got yourself out of the hot pot!
Grieving the loss of a relationship is healthy. Let it out. Reach out for help if you feel like you are getting stuck in your grief.
If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate.
Please understand, he is the only one with that much power. You would just be taking a front row seat into his dramatic life if you let him back into your world.
Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 26
You should be proud of yourself. You have stood up and said "I am important" and taken control of your life. The pain will linger. You won't forget. You will grow and learn. Good luck to you and know that, in the end, you have definitely done the right thing.
((hugs))
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Thanks everyone. I know in my head that I am doing the right thing, but my heart speaks a different language. Ugh.
I'm heading outside in the sunshine to help my daughter look for a new home. New beginning for her too! Plus I need the distraction.
I may not post much here but I am reading all the time. I am struck by how strong the common bond is here. I REALIZE this is a forum for that, but the stories always just leaving me nodding and realizing we are not alone in our struggles.
Thanks for your support and your words of wisdom. I know he will call, although he hasn't yet which surprises me. I know it will take all of the courage that I have to not answer that phone call too. I am strong on paper but very vulnerable. I'm glad Monday is almost here . (can't believe I'm saying that!!!) But work will bring the focus I need and hopefully I can work through this.
I'm heading outside in the sunshine to help my daughter look for a new home. New beginning for her too! Plus I need the distraction.
I may not post much here but I am reading all the time. I am struck by how strong the common bond is here. I REALIZE this is a forum for that, but the stories always just leaving me nodding and realizing we are not alone in our struggles.
Thanks for your support and your words of wisdom. I know he will call, although he hasn't yet which surprises me. I know it will take all of the courage that I have to not answer that phone call too. I am strong on paper but very vulnerable. I'm glad Monday is almost here . (can't believe I'm saying that!!!) But work will bring the focus I need and hopefully I can work through this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi brandisue-
i found it helpful to remind myself that the best choice i could make for him, was to step aside. that helped a lot when he spiralled out of control after i left him.
perhaps it will be a wake up call for yours. perhaps not.
stay strong and in those weak moments, i found it helpful to read here and remind myself of all the craziness.
prayer is very helpful also. to put the loved one in God's hands and trust His Wisdom.
naive
i found it helpful to remind myself that the best choice i could make for him, was to step aside. that helped a lot when he spiralled out of control after i left him.
perhaps it will be a wake up call for yours. perhaps not.
stay strong and in those weak moments, i found it helpful to read here and remind myself of all the craziness.
prayer is very helpful also. to put the loved one in God's hands and trust His Wisdom.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
expect waves of grief, anger, bargaining (just dont act on them!), acceptance, longing... my mourning was easier when i knew all those feelings were expected, there was no order to them, they came in waves..and washed away. knowing it was all temporary helped.... sometimes we are so sad we think this is it, but no, it really does get better.
i always remember what an alcoholic in AA told me: you did all you could. you held his hand. let him own his private tortures.... i know how hard it is, so please keep reading and posting! SR was (and still is) a life line for me...
i always remember what an alcoholic in AA told me: you did all you could. you held his hand. let him own his private tortures.... i know how hard it is, so please keep reading and posting! SR was (and still is) a life line for me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Thank you...
I'm going through waves of sadness at what "could be" today. I'm not even angry, although I was yesterday when he was still here and we were trying to have a civil discussion. (whatever that is)
I got away from the house today and spent it with my daughter. That helped a lot. I did see that I had a missed call from him though. I have a new iphone and haven't figured it out yet. In this case it's a blessing because I'm still vulnerable. He left no message.
A few nights back I snuggled deep into him and he held me tight. I knew what was coming but just needed to feel this for probably the last time. He was sober and I smelled nothing on him. But I also knew that nothing had changed. It's just sad to me right now. I guess i need to get the anger back. Apathy would be good but that will never happen. I care way too much. Sigh.
Thanks for the support. I know this is going to be difficult!
I got away from the house today and spent it with my daughter. That helped a lot. I did see that I had a missed call from him though. I have a new iphone and haven't figured it out yet. In this case it's a blessing because I'm still vulnerable. He left no message.
A few nights back I snuggled deep into him and he held me tight. I knew what was coming but just needed to feel this for probably the last time. He was sober and I smelled nothing on him. But I also knew that nothing had changed. It's just sad to me right now. I guess i need to get the anger back. Apathy would be good but that will never happen. I care way too much. Sigh.
Thanks for the support. I know this is going to be difficult!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I know how hard it is to leave. I left my husband in October of 2007. He was deep into alchoholism, and he had lost his job. I think the best thing that I did was have my own place. And I was still his friend. If he called me up and was drunk, I hung up the phone. I did not go out of my way anymore to "save" him from his drunk relapses. There was even one time in January where he got drunk, lost his keys, and wanted me to come pick him up--NO, this was your fault, and it is up to YOU to clean it up. . . if you lose your keys, there is a good chance you will need to get a hotel room. It was a long night--all I could imagine was that my husband was freezing out in the cold---luckily he got the hotel room on his own, and his brother came over the next day and helped him find his keys when he was more sober.
Honestly, the separation really helped both of us. It really could have gone either way. If anything, a separation just helps you to make better decisions for yourself.
It is with the grace of God that my husband is now sober, and we are now living together again as of May of 2009. But there were a lot of relapses. It took a commitment of my husband to go to AA and to be sober. I referred him to this site, and I do feel it helped him to talk to other people who were dealing with alcoholism.
His DUI went through in September 2008, and he was ordered to put a breathing machine on his car. I honestly think that he had the best sobriety when the breathing machine was put on his car--it was almost like drinking was an ego thing, and not being able to drive his car was a worse ego thing--so he better stay sober if he wanted to be able to drive the car.
My husband began a parttime job as a paralegal in January 2009, and this job became full time in May of 2009. The lawyer that he works for does DUI defense as well--so my husband has a lot of good experience with DUI--he was unemployed so he had help from the state.
And his family and I still do not drink around him. We are very committed to his recovery.
Just take care of yourself for right now. He has to do this himself.
Honestly, the separation really helped both of us. It really could have gone either way. If anything, a separation just helps you to make better decisions for yourself.
It is with the grace of God that my husband is now sober, and we are now living together again as of May of 2009. But there were a lot of relapses. It took a commitment of my husband to go to AA and to be sober. I referred him to this site, and I do feel it helped him to talk to other people who were dealing with alcoholism.
His DUI went through in September 2008, and he was ordered to put a breathing machine on his car. I honestly think that he had the best sobriety when the breathing machine was put on his car--it was almost like drinking was an ego thing, and not being able to drive his car was a worse ego thing--so he better stay sober if he wanted to be able to drive the car.
My husband began a parttime job as a paralegal in January 2009, and this job became full time in May of 2009. The lawyer that he works for does DUI defense as well--so my husband has a lot of good experience with DUI--he was unemployed so he had help from the state.
And his family and I still do not drink around him. We are very committed to his recovery.
Just take care of yourself for right now. He has to do this himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
PrettyViolets, Good luck to you and your family. I hope things continue to work out the way that they have for you.
He is going to AA meetings and has on and off for over a year. He's met a few great people there so hopefully he's talking to one of them now.
He's always promised me that he'd get help. But I'm not sure what that help is other than AA. He hates who he is and who he has become. Hates himself...loathes himself. But can't seem to quit. I pray that he does too and can become productive again like your husband.
He is going to AA meetings and has on and off for over a year. He's met a few great people there so hopefully he's talking to one of them now.
He's always promised me that he'd get help. But I'm not sure what that help is other than AA. He hates who he is and who he has become. Hates himself...loathes himself. But can't seem to quit. I pray that he does too and can become productive again like your husband.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Thanks TakingCharge....it IS hard. I was telling one of my best friends that this breakup was worse than ending my 25 year marriage! Can't believe I'm saying that but it's the truth.
My marriage had basically ended years before we actually D. So it was past time and we were both ready to move on. In this instance, I love this man very much and he me. It's been so hard breaking that bond even though he caused it and tore our lives apart.
I'm sure I'll hit another stage tomorrow.
My marriage had basically ended years before we actually D. So it was past time and we were both ready to move on. In this instance, I love this man very much and he me. It's been so hard breaking that bond even though he caused it and tore our lives apart.
I'm sure I'll hit another stage tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Just for Today^Al-anon^Serenity Prayer^One Day at a Time
I love the "Just For Today" bookmark from Alanon. At one point I read it several times a day.
Hugs to you.
I love the "Just For Today" bookmark from Alanon. At one point I read it several times a day.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. May you find the strength you need during this important and difficult transition in your life.
My husband lost his life to this horrific affliction several years ago after over 30 years of marriage. All I could think about when he died ... was what a strong, energetic, productive person he was when we were first married and for many years later ... before alcohol claimed his mind, body and soul. He slowly transformed into someone I know longer knew.
Sadly, most of my AH's later years were spent in deep denial and carefully attempting to hide the depth of his addiction ... until years of alcohol abuse caught up with him and he so quickly became very ill, confused, and frail. Watching this highly productive, hard working person deteriorate because of his own poor choices, until he could no longer do the simplest things - was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to experience.
We were friends and partners in life ... we shared many milestones together, as well as a business, a home and most importantly, 2 teenage sons. The sons he loved so much, tragically would not have a chance to get to know their dad for the person he really was - before this self-destructive addiction stole him away from us in both body and spirit.
The Serenity Prayer has been my guide in nearly all the important decisions in my life ... and it continues to help bring peace and 'serenity' in mourning the loss of the person I once knew.
My husband lost his life to this horrific affliction several years ago after over 30 years of marriage. All I could think about when he died ... was what a strong, energetic, productive person he was when we were first married and for many years later ... before alcohol claimed his mind, body and soul. He slowly transformed into someone I know longer knew.
Sadly, most of my AH's later years were spent in deep denial and carefully attempting to hide the depth of his addiction ... until years of alcohol abuse caught up with him and he so quickly became very ill, confused, and frail. Watching this highly productive, hard working person deteriorate because of his own poor choices, until he could no longer do the simplest things - was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to experience.
We were friends and partners in life ... we shared many milestones together, as well as a business, a home and most importantly, 2 teenage sons. The sons he loved so much, tragically would not have a chance to get to know their dad for the person he really was - before this self-destructive addiction stole him away from us in both body and spirit.
The Serenity Prayer has been my guide in nearly all the important decisions in my life ... and it continues to help bring peace and 'serenity' in mourning the loss of the person I once knew.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hi BrandiSue
I have just read your post and honestly, like so many people have already said to me just since I joined this site 24 hours ago, it honestly is like reading about your own life. I, like you, fell for my axbf through his humour and charm. Our difference is he is the one who left me. He gave me 1,000 reasons, he gave me no real reason. However, until discovering this site, I have spent the last two months very much alone. Reading your post and everyone's responses has really helped me. Twenty four hours ago I was still crying over the fact my ex left. Tonight, right now, I am thanking him. Stay strong and keep your spirits up. Thoughts and prayers go out to your ex, my ex and the millions of othered troubled souls out there
I have just read your post and honestly, like so many people have already said to me just since I joined this site 24 hours ago, it honestly is like reading about your own life. I, like you, fell for my axbf through his humour and charm. Our difference is he is the one who left me. He gave me 1,000 reasons, he gave me no real reason. However, until discovering this site, I have spent the last two months very much alone. Reading your post and everyone's responses has really helped me. Twenty four hours ago I was still crying over the fact my ex left. Tonight, right now, I am thanking him. Stay strong and keep your spirits up. Thoughts and prayers go out to your ex, my ex and the millions of othered troubled souls out there
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hello BrandiSue, and you are in my thoughts right now. A friend of mine once described life with her AH as "death by the day", and I really think that describes it perfectly. I am still with my ABF of 20 years, who Thank you HP, has been sober and working on it for some months. I have stress angina and have no doubt that it began and has worsened because of the tension and egg shell walking around ABF and the hell caused. Thank heaven you are out of this after only 2 years, by that I mean you got the message and got off the train to misery. This will save you from suffering and sanity destroying along with your poor chap.
Maybe your leaving will be the catalyst for change for him, if not then at least you are not involved anymore in the nightmare.
God bless and all the best ahead of you.
Maybe your leaving will be the catalyst for change for him, if not then at least you are not involved anymore in the nightmare.
God bless and all the best ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Take care of yourself. You are going through grief, and it will be tough (I've recently separated from my husband, so I know that kind of grief), but it will get easier. And you will get through this and there'll be light at the end of the tunnel - a cliche but true!
Stay strong, find support, and take very good care of yourself.. :ghug3
Stay strong, find support, and take very good care of yourself.. :ghug3
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