What to Do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
What to Do?
My AW does not drink for weeks and then the classic "trigger" sets her off and she binge drinks. We have two boys of 2 years and one of 5 months.
She tells me that an AA friend of her's has suggested that she trys to control her drinking by only drinking while out with friend at social occassions or if I am at home. She would not drink more then 3-4 units and that way she controls it, rather then it controling her.
Naturally, I think it just another attempt to justify drinking. She says if it does not work she will accept there is a problem and go tea total.
I don't want to doubt her motives but based on past performance I have serious doubts. Anyone her if this type of "control"?
Thanks for your help.
She tells me that an AA friend of her's has suggested that she trys to control her drinking by only drinking while out with friend at social occassions or if I am at home. She would not drink more then 3-4 units and that way she controls it, rather then it controling her.
Naturally, I think it just another attempt to justify drinking. She says if it does not work she will accept there is a problem and go tea total.
I don't want to doubt her motives but based on past performance I have serious doubts. Anyone her if this type of "control"?
Thanks for your help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi!
Yes, my xabf came up with an elaborate plan to have one two drinks while out with friends, never to drink alone at home and never keep alcohol in the house. Unfortunately it didn't work. In my xabf's case, it was just another means to continue drinking. From what I read in other posts, this is pretty common among alcoholics. He still has not accepted his problem and as far as I can tell is still active in alcoholism.
Sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
Yes, my xabf came up with an elaborate plan to have one two drinks while out with friends, never to drink alone at home and never keep alcohol in the house. Unfortunately it didn't work. In my xabf's case, it was just another means to continue drinking. From what I read in other posts, this is pretty common among alcoholics. He still has not accepted his problem and as far as I can tell is still active in alcoholism.
Sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Thanks NYC. My AW will not accept she is an A and will only go so fer as to say she as a problem with alcohol or is alcohol dependent. I feel I am in a no win situation. I have told her I don't think it is a good idea and she takes that as not trusting her. If I go with it, I risk the kids welfare and another unsavory homecoming. I want to support her but am realy lost on this one.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
*shrug* Alcohol isn't a necessary component of nutrition for humans. There is no reason to drink it at all. If anyone who alcohol has caused problems isn't willing to just drop it by the wayside, then there is a problem. In my opinion of course.
Nic - why is the kids welfare at risk?
Nic - why is the kids welfare at risk?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Instead of allowing her to make up the rules, perhaps you should set up boundaries for yourself instead? What are you willing or not willing to tolerate in your life and marriage? What will be the consequences if those boundaries are crossed? this is called "raising the bottom" to help the alcoholic confront the reality of their addiction. It's not easy, and you have to be prepared to carry out the consequences for sure....but it's a healthy start.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Okay, let's say you accept her challenge. She can only drink a few units socially with friends or at home while you are with her, right? What are HER consequences if she drinks when you are not home or gets sloppy drunk while out with friends?
Your gut tells you that her plan will fail. I agree. It's just a matter of time and she will be trying to justify another drunken night. Somehow, it will be your fault. Maybe you didn't support her enough, she was stressed at home, etc....quack, quack, quack, quack!
What are you willing to do to keep alcohol out of your life and the lives of your children? She has made her choice, alcohol is her priority.
Your gut tells you that her plan will fail. I agree. It's just a matter of time and she will be trying to justify another drunken night. Somehow, it will be your fault. Maybe you didn't support her enough, she was stressed at home, etc....quack, quack, quack, quack!
What are you willing to do to keep alcohol out of your life and the lives of your children? She has made her choice, alcohol is her priority.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
nic-
i would be very surprised if anyone in AA encouraged trying to control one's drinking. AA teaches to not have the first drink, that this leads to more drinking for the A.
i also don't like the idea of her only drinking when you are there...what does that make you? her enforcer? if she doesn't have a problem with drink, why would she require you to monitor her? i wouldn't agree to this.
i would be very surprised if anyone in AA encouraged trying to control one's drinking. AA teaches to not have the first drink, that this leads to more drinking for the A.
i also don't like the idea of her only drinking when you are there...what does that make you? her enforcer? if she doesn't have a problem with drink, why would she require you to monitor her? i wouldn't agree to this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
From the 1st edition of the Big Book, chapter 3:
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition."
I have suggested this to more than one person in the past who have had doubts about being an alcoholic.
If they're not done, they're not done.
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition."
I have suggested this to more than one person in the past who have had doubts about being an alcoholic.
If they're not done, they're not done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Thanks to you all. I knew the answer but when you love someone....you know.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by NicTKD 
Thanks to you all. I knew the answer but when you love someone....you know.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
Personally I couldn't leave children home all day with an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
Would that sound reasonable coming from a babysitter?!!! I'd fire my babysitter if she said that!
Alcoholic drinking is by it's very definition unpredictable. So an alcoholic will drink when they said they wouldn't. They will drink at the worst possible moments. They will drink when it endangers themselves AND others. That's just the nature of the beast.
You may think because she is the mother she would never jeopardize her kids, and SHE probably believes that too - but alcohol impairs judgement, interferes with coordination, decreases reaction times in a crisis, and a person who cannot stop drinking can end up passed out at any time of day....the only real safety for children is a sober and responsible caretaker.
She may protest and make a lot of noise and be offended if you get a proper babysitter or daycare - so what?
I loved something coyote21 said in a recent post:
"remember your kids deserve to be protected, not your grown wife."
Hard to accept but true, no?
Just do the next right thing for you and the kids.
peace,
b
Would that sound reasonable coming from a babysitter?!!! I'd fire my babysitter if she said that!
Alcoholic drinking is by it's very definition unpredictable. So an alcoholic will drink when they said they wouldn't. They will drink at the worst possible moments. They will drink when it endangers themselves AND others. That's just the nature of the beast.
You may think because she is the mother she would never jeopardize her kids, and SHE probably believes that too - but alcohol impairs judgement, interferes with coordination, decreases reaction times in a crisis, and a person who cannot stop drinking can end up passed out at any time of day....the only real safety for children is a sober and responsible caretaker.
She may protest and make a lot of noise and be offended if you get a proper babysitter or daycare - so what?
I loved something coyote21 said in a recent post:
"remember your kids deserve to be protected, not your grown wife."
Hard to accept but true, no?
Just do the next right thing for you and the kids.
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Options on the baby sitting front are limited. My AW will be back at work 4 days out of five come October so that will be a start. I know the kids come first and I will do all I need to to protect them but my wife is a fantastic mother. She deserves not to be made to feel guilty. I just want her to accept the situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by NicTKD
Thanks to you all. I knew the answer but when you love someone....you know.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
My wife is at home with the kids while I am at work and although she goes to AA and meets up with one of her friends from AA once a week, there have been a couple of times I have come come to her drunk with the kids. She says that she has only been drinking a short time before I come home knowing I am on the way and the kids will be ok. I find this very dificult to deal with.
Children, even very young ones, are so much more aware of what's going on then they are given credit for.
Good luck to you, and to her. Getting sober isn't ending her life, it's starting it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
My husband tried controlled drinking again and again. There reached a point where I told him I was leaving him and this time I knew in my heart it wasn't an empty threat. He said this time he would moderate but really try this time. I KNEW he couldn't do it but I had a 1 year old and a three year old at the time. I thought to myself if this just buys us more time it will be so much easier to leave him when the kids are that little bit older so I agreed.
The rules were no alcohol in the house, and I never wanted to see him drunk again - not in public, not inside the house. Two months later he came home drunk. I made an appointment with a lawyer and finally he went to AA. By that time I really didn't care anymore and said we could still separate on a temporary basis and he can work on his sobriety alone.
Anyway quack, quack, I gave him 'one more chance', he went to AA and unbelievably it worked where nothing else did. He 'got it'. He is 7 months sober. But the story could have gone the other way too. He could have gone to AA and still kept drinking.
The prelude to the story is for me to get to the initial point of knowing that I had to leave for the children's safety, I went to Al-Anon and heard the stories of people who had grown up in alcoholic homes. How bad can it get, how bad is it now?
The rules were no alcohol in the house, and I never wanted to see him drunk again - not in public, not inside the house. Two months later he came home drunk. I made an appointment with a lawyer and finally he went to AA. By that time I really didn't care anymore and said we could still separate on a temporary basis and he can work on his sobriety alone.
Anyway quack, quack, I gave him 'one more chance', he went to AA and unbelievably it worked where nothing else did. He 'got it'. He is 7 months sober. But the story could have gone the other way too. He could have gone to AA and still kept drinking.
The prelude to the story is for me to get to the initial point of knowing that I had to leave for the children's safety, I went to Al-Anon and heard the stories of people who had grown up in alcoholic homes. How bad can it get, how bad is it now?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Nic- Probably the best thing you can do for now is just keep reading here at SoberRecovery. The answers will come to you in the form of other people's experience. These stories have so many similarities and soon you'll be better able to evaluate your situation at home and know, with confidence, if anything more needs to be done.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi NicTKD
I'm another guy. I have no kids but I gotta with the flow here ala Bernadette and Coyote - your kids need protecting not your wife.
I know you feel conflicted - but if you've come home to her drunk with the kids a couple of times....for me, having been the alcoholic - that's a couple of times too many. Your wife is ill - and her judgment will be impaired if she drinks.
If you think there's any danger at all of such a situation reoccuring, pls look into a baby sitter, man - Octobers a long way off.
D
I'm another guy. I have no kids but I gotta with the flow here ala Bernadette and Coyote - your kids need protecting not your wife.
I know you feel conflicted - but if you've come home to her drunk with the kids a couple of times....for me, having been the alcoholic - that's a couple of times too many. Your wife is ill - and her judgment will be impaired if she drinks.
If you think there's any danger at all of such a situation reoccuring, pls look into a baby sitter, man - Octobers a long way off.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Nic, and pleased to "meet" you 
Yes, we do know. Every last one of us here knows what you are talking about. I was married 20 years when my wife's addiction to pills and other men finally ended our relationship. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone I love self-destruct. Walking away from that marriage was incredibly painful.
However, not as painful as watching somebody you love _die_ from this disease. I've been to a number of funerals here in town. It's the downside to being very active in the local al-anon fellowship. Now that I've had a few years in al-anon I realize that if I had stuck it out with my ex-wife I simply would have been enabling her into an early grave.
I don't know that my leaving her will have such a big effect that it will drive her to sobriety. I do know that the lack of action on my part was protecting her addiction and making it easy for her to continue. If she does suffer some horrible consequence at least I know I did everything possible to help her.
Perhaps that is the saddest part to this disease, that our instincts to protect and shelter those we love are perverted by the addiction into enabling.
Nick, I have a bit of an understanding for what you are going thru, as I went thru something similar. Know that everybody here on SR is wishing you and your wife the best, and that we are here for you every single day. I will keep you and your family in my prayers every day.
Mike
Originally Posted by NicTKD
I knew the answer but when you love someone....you know.....
However, not as painful as watching somebody you love _die_ from this disease. I've been to a number of funerals here in town. It's the downside to being very active in the local al-anon fellowship. Now that I've had a few years in al-anon I realize that if I had stuck it out with my ex-wife I simply would have been enabling her into an early grave.
I don't know that my leaving her will have such a big effect that it will drive her to sobriety. I do know that the lack of action on my part was protecting her addiction and making it easy for her to continue. If she does suffer some horrible consequence at least I know I did everything possible to help her.
Perhaps that is the saddest part to this disease, that our instincts to protect and shelter those we love are perverted by the addiction into enabling.
Nick, I have a bit of an understanding for what you are going thru, as I went thru something similar. Know that everybody here on SR is wishing you and your wife the best, and that we are here for you every single day. I will keep you and your family in my prayers every day.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
She deserves not to be made to feel guilty
I totally agree - I learned in AlAnon that I didn't need to make my alcoholic brothers feel guilty, it's a pointless thing to do.
But I did need to learn when to let consequences and responsibility fall squarely on their shoulders without me interfering by either trying to protect them or rescue them, or cushion them from "feeling guilty" all on their own because they had done something they felt guilty about!!!!
Have you tried AlAnon? It really turned my head around!
peace-
b
I totally agree - I learned in AlAnon that I didn't need to make my alcoholic brothers feel guilty, it's a pointless thing to do.
But I did need to learn when to let consequences and responsibility fall squarely on their shoulders without me interfering by either trying to protect them or rescue them, or cushion them from "feeling guilty" all on their own because they had done something they felt guilty about!!!!
Have you tried AlAnon? It really turned my head around!
peace-
b
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