cassandra2

I am working on a few issues as far as anger goes and I know that one way to handle angry thoughts or feelings is to immediately start thinking of the things I am grateful for. I am really working on it but here is my question.

Is switching to a gratitude state just stuffing the angry feelings? I wonder because when I switch to gratitude I feel the anger go away but is it really gone? Sometimes I find it resurfacing and I am just wondering if that means doing the gratitude thoughts is really just stuffing the anger.

Any thoughts?

laurie6781

Great question!!!!!

For me it was ................................. until I realized that after using the 'gratitude state' to calm down, I had more work to do .................................. I had to look at what one of 'my expectations' was not fulfilled that brought the anger on.

I know, more hard work, lol ...................... but ............................. when I did that, got a handle on another 'expectation' including ones I placed on myself, the anger, at least that 'particular' anger did not return.

Hope that helps .............................

Love and hugs,

suki44883

Well, in my opinion, the two aren't mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging anger and processing it. We all get angry at times, but it's how we deal with that anger that can be a problem or a healthy thing.

MycoolFitz

I think its important to remember that feelings are neither "good" nor "bad", they just are. They arrive from our thinking about someone, something, or some event. These "outside" things don't cause our feelings, our thoughts about them do, so we should watch our thoughts. Secondly, its how we react to our feelings which arise from our thoughts about whatever gave rise to our thoughts. Anger, for example is neither good nor bad, it arises because of an event (my wife says I drink too much), our thoughts about that event (she's judging me, she hates me, whatever), my thoughts generate a feeling (say resentment) and a reaction (calling her a name, stomping off to drink more.) You get the picture. I could just as easily think,"gosh,I have been drinking a lot lately,I need to look at that,thank God my wife cares enough and trusts enough to share her concern. I feel grateful. If we stay mindful as to our feelings,the root of these feelings, and our reactions and actions as a result of these feelings, we gain control of ourselves,we discover a certain freedom and inner power.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t allow our cherished thoughts—our beliefs, our hatreds, our infatuations, our opinions, our calculations, our obsessions, our joys, our sorrows—to dissipate. In fact, we don’t even notice that they can dissipate because we’re so earnestly hanging on to them. We don’t even notice that they’re only thought.

Without realizing it, we hang on most dearly to what causes us the most grief and pain. At the same time, we reject freedom, fearing that somehow we’ll lose something valuable in the process.”—Steve Hagen

teke

don't have an answer to your question but i do believe that anger is allowed, now how you handle that anger and how long you allow yourself to stay angry is another story. for me, learning to forgive those who i feel have caused me pain has been a step toward letting go of the anger.

it also helps me a little to step back and take an honest look at my own actions, to see if i played any part in what i was going through. when i look back over the pain and all the anger i suffered due to addiction, i came to believe that a lot of the pain and anger that had affected me in such a negative way, i allowed.

i can't change others and their actions but i can change my own. in realizing this, i gained a desire to forgive them and me for allowing it. hope this makes some kind of sense, anyway i'm praying for you and yours

winnie12

Stuffing emotions for me is when i dont address the emotion but just push it down and let it bottle up. When you do that eventually its going to come out. so i'd be angry for weeks and when it finally blew it would be nasty. I'm learning to deal with them as they come so that i dont end up making something little become something huge. when angry i speak to my support group and work through the feelings or i do something else to get them out - something physical or creative usually works for me.

Addressing an emotion with another response such as gratitude or forgiveness i dont see as stuffing. A friend of mine I was just talking to yesterday, for example, uses humour. When people start acting stupid instead of reacting with anger he just laughs - he tries to see the silliness in their actions and when he can laugh about it he doesnt take it personally.

Learn2Live

Thanks for posting this Cassandra because I have been working on my anger too (it's horrible how I act, and abusive toward the other person, too). I don't think that changing or shifting your thoughts in order to change your feelings (anger) is stuffing anything. I think that what you are saying you have learned helps you during times when you are angry is very useful tool for managing emotions. It sounds much more healthy to change your thinking in order to manage emotions than it is to have angry outbursts everywhere. Your's is a very good idea and I'm going to try it!

cassandra2

Thank you all for your responses. It really is hard to deal with emotions to begin with let alone the ones that continue to cause problems.

I know that being grateful and focusing on the good can and will switch your attitude but I just worry that I then am stuffing that bad feeling and allowing it a chance to resurface.

Laurie, I really liked what you said about the expectations and I am working HARD on that area because I find myself expecting things from others that really I have no business expecting. That is really hard when your dealing with self.

For so long I have blamed my RA for all of these feelings and am just now realizing that I am in control of my feelings and that its really HARD to take responsibility for those feelings instead of just saying oh its his fault.

I like what anvil said to about taking time to identify the ROOT. I guess the root of some of this anger lies within myself and unhealthy expectations I had on someone who wasnt emotionally capable of meeting those expectations at the time.....