kv816

I'm trying to relax right now. I usually do pretty good by thinking about the things I do now that while with XABF I couldn't do. But sometimes, like the last two days, it just isn't enough. I think a lot of it is because I'm doing things that are in spite of him, if that's the right word.

For example, I love curling up on the couch with my cat laying on my chest. It's so relaxing to hear him purrr and to pet his soft fur and to know that even in my darkest hours he always loved me unconditionally. I could be angry at the world, hollering and throwing a fit like a child but he was always right there with those eyes that said "but I still love you!" You know? I love that feeling (even if it is only self created). But I find that when I'm thinking about the past a big part of me is enjoying it not so much because I do enjoy it but because it was one of the many things he took away from me. So instead of thinking "I enjoy this" I think "he wouldn't let me do this". And I get angry with him again.

I am SOO done and I don't want to be angry anymore. How do you let go of that?? I am doing a lot of things that I couldn't do before and I feel a sense of relief at being able to do those things again. I am doing what I want to do because I want to and because I can. But deep down I've got a lot of anger for him that I don't know how to get rid of.

TakingCharge999

while (kv816==angry)
**
Exercise, exercise, hitting the bed with a pillow while listening to heavy metal for inspiration, violent videogames, chopping chocolate with a stick, writing what you feel without censorship,throwing plates to a wall, martial arts videos or lessons... (thx all for some of these tips!)

kv816=kv816- some anger;
**

knowing you are doing something to handle the anger+endorphins= healthy, peaceful kv816

bookwyrm

Sometimes, it helps to remember that (at least in the case of my STBXAH) that he just can't help himself. He has to act the way he does to keep his delusion going. He needs to insulate himself from the world, for some reason, and this is what happens. He has a disease. This is what I ought to expect from him.

My main source of anger right now is at myself. Letting that one go just seems to be that bit harder for me!

Still Waters

I agree, not that this excuses their behavior mind you.

For me it's time, I'm moving on, and the anger fades....then he does something else to try and control me and I start all over again.

GiveLove

I remember a lot of good stuff on this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...146-anger.html

NYC_Chick

A therapist suggested I have an "anger object" in the house. I would yell at it or sometimes give it the finger until I felt better. Sounds funny, but it helped.

I've also done F*** Y** letters in the past. I would get a red pen (color of anger) and write whatever came to mind when I was upset. Then I would rip up the letters.

Also, when doing my goodbye work on my xabf, which may not apply here, but I thought I would throw it out, I would have to come up with a ritual in therapy to let go of whatever step I was working on. So, if you're in anger, write down why you're angry, then send it off by saying good bye to that thing you are angry about. For me, I would say, "Goodbye to...(whatever was on the page)...I'm letting you go so I can have a better life."

Hope this helps!

Pelican

Why are you letting your A take up space in your head rent free? You are in control of your thoughts, take control and think on things that are pleasing, honest, kind, important......

I agree with some of the other posters. As angry as I wanted to be at my A, I usually found myself with the mirror to my face. I was angrier with myself for my actions or lack of actions.

When my anger was at it's peak, I knew I needed to find physical releases for it before it consumed me. I have punched pillows and cursed, but my favorite was to get into the car and scream and yell and punch the seat. Then I'd scream and yell some more! It helps to get it out, all the way out. Then I can begin to use the anger to take positive actions for a healthier future.

Anger can be like the motor behind a boat, it's the energy that propels forward motion into change.

Daisy30

For me anger was always me fighting acceptance.

So what are you not accepting about your situation? Maybe that you allowed him to control you (not sure just guessing)? If that is it, then forgive yourself, embrace what you have learned from it (think of it as a gift ) and then move forward. You will feel lots better.

At least I do when I think of it in these terms


(((((hugs))))

suki44883

All very good suggestions and advice. I agree that time will help you get over the anger. Right now, you do things you feel you couldn't do while with him and you automatically think like you said...He wouldn't allow this. After a while, you won't think that so much and then finally one day, you'll be enjoying something and he won't even enter your mind. It'll happen...it just takes time.

Still Waters

100% How did I let it get to this point? Why didn't I see it sooner? How stupid can I be?

and on and on

I do believe it's harder to forgive myself than it is to forgive others.

Boogs

Absolutely. Whenever I find myself thinking how could he have done this and that I usually come back to the same thing. Because I let him. It took me a long time to even get angry and when I did it was scary out of control anger. That has now passed but I'm still angry. I think what I need to do is forgive myself and stop getting sucked back into the game that he tries so desperately to still get me to play.

Still Waters

Easier said than done in my case.