kv816

I pick a new "theme" song almost every month. This month it's Rob Thomas "Her Diamonds".

It starts out "oh what the hell, she says, I just can't win for losing. And she lays back down".

I think that, every time I hear my alarm go off. I wonder why I'm even gonna bother getting up. At some point in the day I'm gonna feel like I lost. So I usually hit the snooze and lay back down.

I moved, XABF doesn't know where. I changed my cell number, he doesn't have it. Blocked him from my MySpace. Blocked him from my email. My best friend had to change her cell, he doesn't have it now either. My sister left the state last week for a few days, after he showed up at her house, drunk, at 2 in the morning, wanting to know where the hell I was.

After two weeks of this I'm angry. I'm sickened. I've had enough. So I, KNOWINGLY, took a step back. I made a sacrifice and knew I was doing it when I did it.

I logged into my messenger, unblocked him, and sent a message.

Me: If you continue to act the way you are I WILL file a restraining order.
Him: look you are the last person i wont to ask 4any thing but i been out of cigs for 2days if you can bring me a pack 2mare an i will pay u back.
Me: You did all the things you did for a pack of cigs?
Him: after this last fue weaks if its that way with me if u dont wont to get them i understand
Me: I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm done with this up and down roller coaster ride. It's over!
Him: you no what happen nothing thats just it you came an u leaf faster than you came
Me: You know why I left. I don't understand why that's so hard.
Me: you knew!
Him: I was out ther trying to get the pool back good 4 everybody an u leave me like it wasnt ****
Me: It was the hardest thing in the world for me to leave when I wanted to stay!
Him: BULL ****
Him: thers no pleasing you
Me: yes there is, but you can't do it anymore
Him: im done trying!!!
Me: you were done trying a long time ago
Him: you just didnt no what the **** you had
Me: What I had?
Him: look just dont worry about the cigs i dont wont to be indeat with you
Me: So you tormented my friends and family for almost two weeks just to ask for a pack of cigs?
Me: You're pissed off at me and I didn't do anything wrong!
Him: no you didnt you just ******* leaf me when i wonted to be with you so **** u
Me: If you wanted to be with me then you would have! I'm done with it! I'm not trying anymore! It's over!!
Me: You need to leave me, my friends and my sister alone!
Him: do what you do best then leave
Him: why wont you be wit me
Me: I WILL NOT BE WITH YOU WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING. YOU choose to drink! Knowing I wouldn't be with you. That is one of the things I just cannot do! Why is that so hard to understand?
Him: I understand if thats the way u wont it stay the **** away
Me: You chose to keep pushing me away, guess thats the way you wanted it.
Me: I woulda gave anything to be with you.
Him: thats a ******* lye
Me: ok
Him: look like i said dont worrie about the cigs i will do something just 4get about me an u will b happyer
Me: I don't deserve what you're throwing at me tonight and my friends don't deserve it either. This is crap! It was every other day you were pissed off at me for nothing!
Him: well if you call not wonting to be with me noting so be it
Me: You're like talking to a brick wall. I DO want to be with you! I've always wanted to be with you! But there are some things that any sane person just cannot accept no matter how hard they try! You NEVER talked to me or treated me like this when you were sober. NEVER. THIS is the crap I'm tired of!
Me: I won't bring your cigs tomorrow or any other night. It is over, I can't do this anymore with you. DON'T call or write or come over to my house, my work, my friends or my sisters! It's OVER!
Me: Good night.
Him: LOOK IM OUT OF BUTS AN NOT IN THE MOOD TO AGUE OVER CHILDES **** IF YOU FILL THAT WAY I WONT BOTTER U ANYMORE
Him: being im suce a bad person just stay the **** away from me
Me: I never once said you were a bad person.
Me: That NEVER came out of my mouth. NEVER even thought it!
Him: Just save your money 4some thing more inportent 4get i ask 4 the cigs i wise i never did
Me: Ok! Leave me, my friends and my family alone! Good bye!
Him: dont 4get the stuff you hav stil hear get it tomare
Me: I don't want it.
Him: me eather.
Me: That's fine. But I'm not coming to get it. Do whatever you want with it.
Him: I allready did its in the yard
Me: leave it in the yard
Him: im the only mother ****** that is trying so to hell with u
Him: you the mother ****** that leaf not me
Me: You gave me no choice!
Me: You didn't want me there.
Me: And I'm not angry about it. Fact is, it's over! I just cannot do it anymore. Stay away from me, my friends and my family!
Him: im not getting into it i dont have smokes for your bull ****
Me: I'm okay with that because I know I have no choice.
Me: I didn't do anything wrong.
Me: I'm sorry you think otherwise.
Me: Good night and good bye. Leave me alone!
Him: no i wont everybody just to leave me the **** alone then i wont be antbodys probleme
Me: The only person you're a problem to is yourself.
Him: goodnight
Me: Good bye!


Can you believe that CRAP!! Tormenting my friends and my family just to chew me out for his own stupid actions!! His own inability to refrain!!! Unbelievable!!!

My sister got her restraining order against him today. The attorney I talked to this afternoon said mine should be served Monday, unless he can talk to a judge this weekend (which he's going to try to do-he said because there's no actual physical contact they may make it wait since it's not an emergency situation).

I just don't understand!?!?!?!?! I understand that alcohol can affect many, MANY abilities but how much clearer can one be with GO AWAY!? It's OVER!?

I know I screwed up by messaging him. But I'm SOO aggravated with this continuous crap. Go away!!! The restraining order isn't going to do any good. He won't respect it. At least I'll know I'll have a few months of peace and not having to look over my shoulder.

I am SO angry!

bookwyrm

Ignore him. Easier said than done, I know. Until you can finally shut him out of your head you will continue to get annoyed and angry. What he thinks shouldn't matter any more. This is something I'm struggling with just now with my STBXAH. I still let him get into my head - I've been arguing with him in my head for weeks now over stuff he emailed in response to questions I needed answered in the sale of our home. I'm trying to let him go but the unfairness of him just gets to me! I want to stamp my feet and shout out to the world 'IT'S NOT FAIR'!

He is being a real pest but engaging like this gets you nowwhere, as you have painfully discovered! It isn't a case of winning or losing. You haven't 'lost' - well, maybe you've lost your denial! You just can't expect reason from the unreasonable. For your own sake, let go. Forget about 'winning' or being right. You're doing all the right things to get rid of him - just keep on track with it. Don't think about him breaking the restraining order. Deal with it when/if it happens. Don't borrow worry!

Being unable to get up in the morning sounds like depression - have you been to your doctor? I'm having the same problem in the mornings when I don't have to go to work and my doctor has just increased my dose of anti depressants - hopefully this will make things better.

Maybe its time to pick a new theme song for this month? Can I suggest a song from South Pacific? (starts singing to herself: 'I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair...)

Take care.:ghug2

laurie6781

You will never understand as you are not on the same page.

You are expecting LOGIC out of a practicing alkie. Alkie/addicts are NOT LOGICAL. They live in their own world of reality and denial.

Block him, get your restraining order and get on with your life. You are worth so much more. Work on YOU, through reading, maybe a theapist and/or Al-Anon to figure out what inside of you 'drew' you to him. When we change our 'insides' we attract and are attracted to persons of a different caliber than we have been up to the change.

I know it's hard, but it will be so worth it.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Crazy4Him

It doesn't seem like you are really done with this man, restraining order or not. Seems like you're still trying to reason with the unreasonable. Guide the misguided. Manage the unmanageable. How will you feel if he REALLY never calls you again or shows up to your door, again? I'm not saying you are making the wrong decision, because you clearly aren't, but I'm just trying to give you an idea of what to be prepared for since from what I read you don't seem to be DONE.

It's going to hurt when he stops. It's going to hurt when he stops trying. Be ready. Be strong.

The only reason I say that is because you were still trying to change his mind. When you're really done with him, you just don't give a damn. You just don't care. I know I'm not competely done with my alkie, yet, but I'm doing my best. I always imagine what being 'done' is like. Seems like a nice place to be.

I read that whole thing and even I feel angry and a little crazier after reading it. Gotta say it brought back some mem-O-ries. They really must read from the same script because this could have easily been my ex.

Proud of you for getting the restraining order. He sounds like he's completely unstable, showing up at your SISTER'S door? Really????

Madness. You grabbed your lifevest and jumped overboard. Good for you. He can sail away on that crazy ship all by himself.

kv816

I thought about the whole conversation all day yesterday. I've re-read it many times. I really don't care what he thinks or says. I think a lot of my response were based more for me. It was kind of like looking in the mirror and saying "I am a good person". I was defending myself more than anything.

I really don't care what he thinks. But he used to say so many hurtful things to me and I'd accept them, like I deserved it. I won't let him believe I deserve it anymore.

I only wrote to him because this crap with harassing my friends and family is ridiculous. It's got to stop. I realized last night it was still someone of a cody me in the works. I got on and talked to him to make him stop going to my friends and family. But after I thought about it it dawned on me that it wasn't necessary. My best friend changed her number--and told me why after the fact. Obviously, she handled it on her own and didn't need me to help. My sister left the state and came back with a restraining order in motion. She didn't need my help either.

I have ordered Co-Dependent No More. Wish it'd hurry up! I read the first 10 pages online (kind of a sneak peak, lets draw you in so you buy it). lol It should be here this week. I am going to Alanon, almost every night to be honest. Some days I have this realization, an eye opener, and want to share it. Other days I'm just struggling and need to hear what others have to say. I was seeing a therapist, but I wasn't really comfortable with her. I don't like that quiet, dark room, sit on a couch and babble thing. I get restless and just uncomfortable and can't really talk. I have joined an online support group for depression, talk to a bunch of peers who have been through the same. It helps.

But I'm far from who I was 2 years ago. Got a lot still to work on. I still have to learn though that some people just aren't all there and it shouldn't make me angry.

ItsmeAlice

I think it's great that you are looking at the big picture and reminding yourself that you are a long way from where you started. Puts things in perspective doesn't it? You bet it does.

No one is asking you to change overnight. No one is telling you to be perfect every day. No is living thru this from your perspective, only you are.

We are your sounding board. We are here to support and encourage you to move forward, make positive changes, and live a free and healthy life.

In doing that we will remind you when you are getting too deep into his drama, and that is what I'll do now.

I got three lines into that conversation where you asked him if he was doing everything he had been doing (tormenting your friends, your family, and you) for cigarrettes and thought....click....that would be it for me. As an objective observer I started laughing right there. End the convo, turn off the messenger, game over. It's not about love, it's not about devotion or remorse, it's about cigarrettes and the conversation kept going back to them. Blah, blah, blah....you left me, here's some guilt..blah, blah... I wish everyone would leave me alone, are feeling the pity yet..blah, blah...I'm out of butts if you won't bring me any than f-you.

It is like talking to a brick wall. With my STBXABF it's the same damn way. Always a motive, always a turn back to what he wants to get out of the conversation.

It is so much easier to read it from way back here than where you are, which is a front row seat. Shut all that down and come sit in the back with me. Things are a lot more fun with friends, right?

I think you're on the right track with the restraining order. Let him get the message that stalking you for some smokes is just not going to cut it for normal human conduct.

You're growing with this, you can't ask for more than that from yourself!!! Kudos to you.

Alice

TakingCharge999

The best way to defend yourself is to go no contact. Stop the need to be "right". God/HP knows who you are, its between you and him only. The sooner you dettach from anyone else's opinions, the better. As many have slowly and painfully realized, its just not worth it. They have said everything with their acts. Acts tell you who a person really is like.

Totally different wavelengths...

I am you, forwarded 10 months. Leaving an alcoholic has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. But it is worth it. Right now I am listening chill out music, kind of sleeping with my new kittie!. Addiction is slowly fading from my life. I got a good bf and he values my qualities and protects me. There is a world out there that is waiting for you to step out and enjoy it. This is totally worth it, when you start healing you will look back and all this will be part of the past... there to teach you something... but the past. You will realize you are blessed in that you have it in you to expect more from your life and know you deserve joy and peace and beautiful moments with people that truly care about you. This is priceless. And you will get there.

GiveLove

It wasn't until I got really, truly, vengefully protective of myself -- very, very angry, in other words -- that I did the things that kept my stalking X out of my life forever.

Get him thrown in jail, KV. You know how. He's a monster in your life now, and you need to do whatever it takes to keep him out of your face. No mercy, no pity, no more chances.

MeHandle

I agree with GiveLove.

( I am only sharing the flip side of the same thing as I know how important it has been to you that all are cared for. Givelove's priority is for you though, and i like that best.)

On the idea of mercy, it is merciful on yourself and on him. Protects you and can protect him from more stupidity that harms you. No pity, but instead righteous indignation! Follow through gives you both a chance for the future. You can gain strength and freedom, he has a chance to learn as he suffers his consequences and therefore has a chance at stopping now. You are actually doing more towards saving his life as you protect your own. He owns how he choses to respond, in good or bad.

Glad to see all involved are moving to protect themselves and not getting lost in pity.

love tmmy