want2help

Wakes up, walks down to bottle shop, buys 750ml of vodka. drinks it within 30 mins. Falls out of bed, has a cigarette and ends up on the laundry floor, runs out of alcohol, stumbles down to shop buys more. Runs out by 7pm. Spends all night pacing the hallway, stopping at my bedroom every 10 mins asking for alcohol. goes all night without a drink almost sober, 9am, botte shop opens, buys vodka, story begins again.
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Wedding is paid for. 4 months until we marry.
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I am losing my mind. I have not slept in days.
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Someone please help me. Please.

suki44883

Oh my! That certainly doesn't sound like someone I would want to marry. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life that way? If not, I suggest you think long and hard about things before your make your relationship legal. Please, take the time to think about what YOU want. It doesn't matter if the wedding is all paid for. That's just money. We're talking about your life here. Please, take care of yourself.

want2help

I agree! And thats the same advice i would give someone else. But when is enough enough, and when do you draw the line and when do you decide that the person will definately not change????

MissFixit

Want to Help,

It will be okay. You will be okay. Nothing is permanent.

What do you want from this man?

TrainWreckAgain

I would agree with Suki. I would think long and hard about what you want out of life and equally important, what you don't want out of life.

My xAGF spent money like no tomorrow, ran up debt (which is thankfully in her name), ruined her credit score, totaled a car, and put herself in the high-risk insurance pool.

I am so thankful that although we were engaged and living together, over the last 18 months, she was loaded to plan a wedding.

As I unravel my relationship with her, it is easier in all respects, except for her kids....

suki44883

The answer to that is different with each individual. Only you can decide when you have had enough. Is he open to getting help? Going to detox and then on to rehab? These are two very fundamental questions he must answer. If he says no...then you have your answer. If he says yes, then make him prove it by doing so immediately...not next week or next month. Now! If he's not willing to do that, then too, you have your answer. I know how hard it is to love an alcoholic. We know the "real" them, but when in active addiction, they are anything but the person we fell in love with. Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, only worse. If he's this bad now, how much worse will he be in 5 years? Are you willing to give up that much of your life to find out? It's much easier to get out of an engagement than a marriage.

want2help

I dont know what i want from him. We have our own business.
I was with him for 3 years before he started to drink.
I am hanging on to the old him.
We are best friends. I would be breaking my own heart to leave him. I want to be his wife and even if i dont marry him i will stay with him. But this is tearing me apart and everytime he comes out of a binge whether it be 3 or 4 weeks long, he cant understand why i get so upset. he thinks it shoudnt effect me. He will never unerstand.

MissFixit

Have you gone to al anon or talked to a therapist?

want2help

He paid $10k out of his own pocket to be an inpatient at one of the best re hab centres in the state. He has been to 3 rehabs as an in patient and has also tried outpatient but always gets back on the grog within 3 weeks. If he didnt want to kick it why would he fork out the $10k?? Why would he do the rehab? Is this disease really that bad that maybe sometimes someone just cant be helped??? how can i walk when i see him making efforts???

want2help

yes i have been to al anon.

suki44883

After these rehab stays, does he work a program, like AA or anything like that? Many people NEED that support from other alcoholics.

want2help

He doesnt like AA. He has been but probably a denial thing, doesnt go.
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he did an out patient program for 2 weeks and then stopped. thought he had control, started to have a beer or two each night, until it got out of control. When he binges it can last for up to 4 weeks. Every time I drag him to the hospital or the doctor. last time i left him to do his own thing to see how long it would take him to ask for help, it got to 4 weeks and i couldnt take it any more so i took him to the doctor.
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It is day 9 today. I have to go to hospital next week for surgery and he will not be there for me, this scares the hell out of me. but if i keep putting an end to his binges, its me making him stop not him....and he will never get better. I think its going to take him hitting rock bottom before he does anything...but then again, isnt hittting rock bottom an excuse to drink...to forget about it?? I give up.

suki44883

From what you are saying, he doesn't truly want to stop drinking, he just wants to be able to control his drinking. Unfortunately, very few people who have an alcohol problem can do that, and it doesn't sound like he's one of those few. And, you are right...he probably is going to have to hit bottom and yes, some do use that as a reason to drink. But, like you said, you can't get him sober...he has to want to do it for himself. Not for you or anyone else...for himself. In the meantime, you are in misery and I just wonder if you can say enough!

MissFixit

Sorry you are going through this. It stinks. Loving an alcoholic can make you crazy. If you don't want to go there, then you might want to think about turning this over to your higher power.

You can't fix him. You can't make him not drink or follow whatever steps he needs to get there. I am sorry you are suffering, but think about how hard it is now. Do you want to be legally bound to a man who will likely get worse than he is now?

How can you protect yourself right now?

Can you take tomorrow off and treat yourself to some rest?

want2help

Well, I guess that kinda puts things into perspective for me. you know sometimes you get so caught up emotionally and mix that with no sleep and you have a mental disaster...thankyou for putting it straight in my head. It is his choice, im going to do something i have never done before and thats spend the night with family. i feel as though i am abandoning him but for my mental sake its what i need to get my head straight! and then i just have to play the waiting game and hopefully nothing bad will happen in the meantime.

want2help

MissFixit, thank you for your empathy. I can tell you too have been though similar. its people like you that help people like me gain strength and just get on with it.
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I am taking tomorrow off. Im going to do what i want for a day. im going to start livng my life again, if he want to be passed out in bed he can do it on his own. xoxoxoxco

isurvived

Do yourself a favor. Don't marry this man. So what if the wedding is paid for - cancel it. Living with someone or being legally married to them are two different things. You don't sound like you want to bail at this point, but you'll be darn glad you didn't marry him if in the future you change your mind.

All I can say is there is: misery, misery and more misery. It is a progressive disease, and as long as he isn't doing for himself - it is progressive. He sounds like he's pretty far gone already... that is some serious drinking he's doing.

ICant

Just remember that his bottom could be death, in that he never reaches a bottom deep enough for him to want to change. You may keep waiting for something that will never happen.

Gypsy Feet

I'm on the other side of that relationship honey, and I feel for you. My soon to be ex is in the next room, power drinking. We've been married 14 years, separated on and off the last 5.

Divorce takes more time and is messier than getting married. I would have never married him as we are now, but I was an addict then, and I believe his drinking has escalated as it tends to do.

So I have locked myself in the bedroom in the garage. I read, plot to get out, and be thankful I have dogs back here, for several reasons. It's not a great way to spend a Friday night, for either of us.

Chrysalis123

You said you would be breaking your own heart to leave him. From what you wrote it seems that your heart is also breaking by staying with him.

You also wrote that you feel as though you are abandoning him. Does he think he is abandoning you when he binges for 4 weeks straight and can't be with you in the hospital? Why does he get to be so selfish? What about you and your needs?

You are in a tough situation and I am sorry for that. As an outsider looking at what you wrote it seems he is way too unstable right now, to be legally married to. Read around here and you will see how horrid this disease is for those married to alcholics and also how difficult it is for those divorced and dealing with children and an active alcoholic.