PurpleWilder

No matter what I seem to do, I just can't make my bills. I realize that a lot of people are in this situation right now, but I am just falling apart. My ex got laid off and therefore my child support was reduced by him. I have contacted the state re: investigating what he says he is making because I know for a while he was making 3200 and I was only getting 200 - not 28% by anyone's math.

I tried to talk to him today re: getting more money only to be told I shouldn't be asking - I have never been able to support myself anyway so why does it matter. I said if I didn't have the kids to take care of all the time then I could work any hours whatsoever, even 2 jobs if needed. I have a college degree, true. And I haven't used it. Why? How about 2 little kids (one of them ADD), an alcoholic ex? Other people stay home and their spouses work (like his brother and his sister in law) and that means they are doing what is in the best interest of the kids. When I do it, I "need to get off my ass and get a REAL job" instead of working overnight in retail. Oh, and did I mention he wouldn't have the $ to pay for his share of daycare even if I did get a day job?

I took it out on the kids, sorry to say. Yelled at both of them, sent them to their rooms and even told the ADD one that sometimes I wish she were someone else's kid after I found out someone broke my cell phone charger.

Got mad and broke the phone with my bare hands.

Then I started heaving and ran into the bathroom.

I apologized to the ADD child and finally just sat down and told her, without laying blame on the ex, that mommy just isn't getting the support she used to b/c dad is getting paid less.

I am gonna spend all of Saturday (after getting some sleep from working overnight on Friday night) applying to places to get a second job while the kids are in school. I am gonna keep my overnight job though. I will be running seriously short of sleep, but what are my choices? I have contacted my regional board of education to inquire what I need to do in order to get recertified to teach. I have applied for food stamps. I have made appointments for glasses and ADD consults for the oldest. I can do no more but it is never enough. I am so tired of falling short in every area of my life. i am a loser all over and I just can't stand myself anymore.

I am just so tired. No matter what I do, I can't be the me I want to be. I disappoint myself and my children with my continuing inability to be financially self-sufficient and emotionally stable. My house is always a mess; his is always pristine. As is his car. His closet. I can't find my ass with 2 hands and a flashlight.

I just want to give up.

Boogs

Unfortunately I don't have any practical advice as I'm am in different country and don't know about how welfare support works there. I didn't want to read and not post though. I know how hard it is to struggle financially. Take each day as it comes and try not to be too hard on yourself.

PurpleWilder

I have no family in the area, and no friends to help me. I lost all the friends I had during the divorce and, to be honest, I just don't have the energy required to maintain friendships right now. Sounds cold, but it is true. It takes all I have just to get through the day without want to brain myself with a hammer.

Church has been no help. I go so the kids can go to Sunday School and VBS, only to be told by the staff that my children are problems and that I need to do something. I do the best I can and even my church says I am lacking. I can't tell you how much this hurts me. I can't please ANYBODY, not even myself.

I don't know how much more I can stand. If the car breaks down, or the kids get sick, or I do, or ANYTHING I just don't think I will be able to keep it together. And most of this is over STINKING MONEY. The issue here is not really bills - I am current on everything and have no credit cards. No loan payments. No car payments. It is just a hard, cold INCOME issue. I only need about 500 more a month to be back where I was pre ex getting laid off. Not much, can't come up with it when the kids are home. I'm getting to the end of my rope.

Re: counseling - can't even afford the gas to the regional health office for appts, nevertheless the fee on a sliding scale.

the whole thing is a vicious cycle. i need to get it together to get another job, but need another job to get it together. I'm terrified that any interview I go to now would end in tears and desperate pleading to be hired, and that doesn't exactly speak for my employability.

Still Waters

I know EXACTLY how you feel Magnet - I can't do anything right either. I move to try to get to a better place to find regular work, and haven't been able to find anything yet.

Then, my AH comes in the middle of the night at takes my vehicle. I'm left with no transportation.

I basically have the clothes on my back and that's it. No money, no job, no car....and not a thing I can legally do about it.

Quite frankly, if it weren't for raising my daughter..well, let's just say I see little point in anything anymore.

naive

dirtmagnet-

have you tried turning it over to your HP? true prayer will strengthen you. i wish i had some extra money to send you. are you sure there is no one you could ask for some help?

naive

cmc

Where I live we have a 211 service, if you have that in your area they will direct you to some resources for help-just dial 211. If your church isn't helping; others may be different. I suggest you look for one that is supportive of single parents. Many of the churches I've been affiliated with bend over backwards trying to help single moms with groceries, childcare and sometimes will even provide a used vehicle.

Most womens' shelters offer at least some free (initial) counseling, and going just a few times might help ease the stress you feel. You deserve better and your kids need you to be at your best.

Being a mom isn't easy, we all need a little help sometimes more than others. I hope you will be gentle with yourself about your limitations and also that you will not give up trying to find any and all help that is available for you and the kids.

Take care....

cece1960

(((DM)))
I'm sorry things look so bleak at the moment. But you are doing quite a good job if everything is caught up and you have no credit cards or loan payments. You should be proud, not ashamed.

Reach out to some of the resources mentioned, and alanon may allow you more...they've been where you are, may even still be.

You are not alone, and you are a strong woman, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
(((Hugs))

Freedom1990

I struggled for years as a single parent, so I understand where you are coming from. Even though my oldest daughter's father was good on paying support, it was never raised to meet rising costs in 16 years. My youngest daughter's father was a whole different story. I had to depend on myself and not him.

I worked a lot of physically demanding and low paying jobs just to put food on the table, and I did depend on medical cards for the girls and food stamps to supplement. I never had enough money.

What kept me going was a 12 step support group. I had to take care of my emotional health in order to keep going. Those periods of times I stopped going to meetings, I was right back to the same old. I often lost my temper with my oldest.

I hope somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, you are able to reach out to a support group like Alanon that is free.

:ghug2 :ghug2

PurpleWilder

Just got a call from my ex. It is his weekend with the kids and seeing as he doesn't have enought money to pay me proper child support, he decided that he and the kids would spend a lovely Saturday and Sunday in Michigan, staying at a beach and at a lovely inn.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford the kinds of things he can give them. He has called me 3 times today to tell me what was going on and to tell me how wonderful the day is. I work overnights, so I didn't even pick up the first 2 calls becuase I was trying to sleep. The third I did.

I was only able to stand about 10 seconds of that conversation, then I just hung up.

It bad enough he has to lie about money, but then he just grinds that wound in broken glass. I feel sorry that my kids are being used by him as a tool for working resentments, although I'm sure to the outside world he would spin this as "Hey, I'm just being a good dad here. It's HER that can't get it together". And the whole world woudl probably agree with him, neverminding how much more of a parent it is to be there for the regular, everyday stuff - homework, laundry, discipline. He always gets to take them places and do fun stuff - I am just the workaday drone mom, yelling about putting laundry in the hamper and getting to bed on time.

He was torturing me, and he knew it. And here I sit, bawling my eyes out in the middle of a messy apartment I may not even be able to pay for next month and feeling like I just want to pull the blankets over my head and forget I was ever born.

If nothing else, this just strengthens my resolve to get a really good job as far away from this jackass as I can and get some peace. I'm trying to take the stance in my head that although in the past he may have effed me, he can't eff WITH ME. I'm gonna go to my local food shelter (also offer computer training, ESL, clothes, etc). and see if they can't get me in contact with someone from legal aid re: support. The state seems to be dong nothing.

NOW I'M PISSED.

suki44883

I don't agree with him. If he can afford to spend money at the beach at a beautiful little inn, he can afford to give you some child support money. I'm not sure how the laws work where you live, but here in Texas, if you have a court order for child support that's not being paid, you can go to the child support office and turn him in. His payments should be going through them anyway. They can determine how far behind he is and then go after him for the money. This doesn't cost you a dime. I think I'd seriously look into it.

worthyoflove

Boy, do I know how you feel! I wound up in 12k in debt trying to survive with no child support. Got laid off last year and had to move in with my father. I got so mad one day I started yelling at God. I told him that he needed to fix this NOW!!! All of a sudden, I didn't have to pay for parking, then was given a free gift card. It worked! God just wanted me to tell him how I felt and that he needed to fix my problem. It works if you work it!

indigo

Your ex can't buy your kids they get the real thing 'love' from you & believe me when they get older they will remember & understand this. Sending you love & positive thought.

beginner

Well, from your story: I think you're amazing. On an insufficient wage, you are managing to feed and clothe your children, take care of them including an ADD son (no doubt with behavioural problems) and it's tough. And right now you are prepared to do whatever it takes to take responsibility for your financial shortfall. I think you are brave and strong and sacrificing. I understand the despair and helplessness you can feel when you are financially struggling and have children to think of....

I really think you are being incredibly hard on yourself. With all that you are juggling, why would your house/car be pristine - especially with kids around? Why not recognize the things that you are doing well and commend yourself on those? I really do think you are being very harsh with yourself!!! Well done on apologizing to your children for making a mistake - it's all that really matters... You are only human, and of course you'll make mistakes.

As you weigh your options and seek solutions to your situation, please be kind to yourself and find a way to put in some self-care and reaching out for help/support where you can.

beginner

P.S. Not that it's a competition - but one day when your kids are older, all those laundry, homework every-day stuff, is the stuff that they're really going to appreciate. That you worked hard to take care for them - because you loved them so much. That you were there for them every single day. I know it'd be much more fun to take them out on fun outings than the everyday stuff - but the everyday stuff says to your kids that you are there. Plus the best fun you can have is the free stuff - you can still do the outings.... money doesn't buy love at all.