Yesterday- The Toughest Yet!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Rural OK
Posts: 329
Yesterday- The Toughest Yet!
Day 34 of my decision to live completely apart from alcohol was one of the most difficult so far. I was tempted, really tempted, to pick up again
No real reason , I've gotten to the place that I understand and recognize almost all of my triggers.
Pressure, idleness, desire to escape, depression, etc. etc. etc..
I've learned how to deal with those and strengthen myself against them. It's like seeing the train coming down the track and knowing to get out of the way.
Yesterday was different; there were none of the usual triggers. That in the past has sent me into a downward spiral. It was a normal day then all of a sudden bam!” Man it would be nice to have a beer right now I thought. Just a beer or two couldn't hurt, a glass of wine that's all”, this was my thinking.
Then I thought about an acronym that I saw on this post the other day using the letters from the word SOBER. I couldn't remember what they all stood for but I did remember the S. The S stood for stop, think about where this first drink, will lead you.
As I realized and remembered the last several years I remembered the downward progression, from an occasional beer or glass of wine to a continuous flow of beer on the weekends. Then several every night in order to go to sleep, To hard liquor occasionally, to 1/5 every night, Then to 3 to 5 day binges losing track of days, the excuses, lies, the misery, the physical harm.
Throughout the day I reread the 12 steps several times. I spent a lot of time on the SR posts. I picked up the phone three times to call my sponsor but never did. I read and reread 12 and 12 for July 23rd and 24th especially the 24th I prayed, read the Bible, worried whther I would make it or not. Finally at about 8:00 PM I convinced myself that the temporary buzz was not worth the long-term misery. I'm still sober today!! YEAAAA
Are there any other suggestions on what I should have done differently or what I can do to prevent days like this in the future? Thanks!
P.S. I know, already, I should have made that call to my sponsor.
No real reason , I've gotten to the place that I understand and recognize almost all of my triggers.
Pressure, idleness, desire to escape, depression, etc. etc. etc..
I've learned how to deal with those and strengthen myself against them. It's like seeing the train coming down the track and knowing to get out of the way.
Yesterday was different; there were none of the usual triggers. That in the past has sent me into a downward spiral. It was a normal day then all of a sudden bam!” Man it would be nice to have a beer right now I thought. Just a beer or two couldn't hurt, a glass of wine that's all”, this was my thinking.
Then I thought about an acronym that I saw on this post the other day using the letters from the word SOBER. I couldn't remember what they all stood for but I did remember the S. The S stood for stop, think about where this first drink, will lead you.
As I realized and remembered the last several years I remembered the downward progression, from an occasional beer or glass of wine to a continuous flow of beer on the weekends. Then several every night in order to go to sleep, To hard liquor occasionally, to 1/5 every night, Then to 3 to 5 day binges losing track of days, the excuses, lies, the misery, the physical harm.
Throughout the day I reread the 12 steps several times. I spent a lot of time on the SR posts. I picked up the phone three times to call my sponsor but never did. I read and reread 12 and 12 for July 23rd and 24th especially the 24th I prayed, read the Bible, worried whther I would make it or not. Finally at about 8:00 PM I convinced myself that the temporary buzz was not worth the long-term misery. I'm still sober today!! YEAAAA
Are there any other suggestions on what I should have done differently or what I can do to prevent days like this in the future? Thanks!
P.S. I know, already, I should have made that call to my sponsor.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Those days will come and go. Craving is part of the neurobiological component of the disease. That you were aware of the desires and didn't pick up is very difficult but very powerful. Having urges is natural, we can acknowledge them, not fight them (which gives them power) and not give in to them. Focus on the positives you get from sobriety, not the negatives of not being able to drink. I had those thoughts this week while at a conference surrounded by drinking. It was natural, I accepted the thought but did not pick up. My mind says "one ice cold beer won't hurt" but the me observing the mind thought that drinking the beer is an event, no problem, but the event is just a reopening of the process of my addiction. After all, its always just one drink, over and over and over. I came home from the conference and temptation still sober on day 110 and it was wonderful and empowering.
“Unfortunately, most of us don’t allow our cherished thoughts—our beliefs, our hatreds, our infatuations, our opinions, our calculations, our obsessions, our joys, our sorrows—to dissipate. In fact, we don’t even notice that they can dissipate because we’re so earnestly hanging on to them. We don’t even notice that they’re only thought.
Without realizing it, we hang on most dearly to what causes us the most grief and pain. At the same time, we reject freedom, fearing that somehow we’ll lose something valuable in the process.”—Steve Hagen
“Unfortunately, most of us don’t allow our cherished thoughts—our beliefs, our hatreds, our infatuations, our opinions, our calculations, our obsessions, our joys, our sorrows—to dissipate. In fact, we don’t even notice that they can dissipate because we’re so earnestly hanging on to them. We don’t even notice that they’re only thought.
Without realizing it, we hang on most dearly to what causes us the most grief and pain. At the same time, we reject freedom, fearing that somehow we’ll lose something valuable in the process.”—Steve Hagen
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by luckedog 
Are there any other suggestions on what I should have done differently or what I can do to prevent days like this in the future?
I know that sometimes the best we can do is anything it takes to keep from drinking. My experience is that although at times I could talk myself out of drinking, or think it through, there always came a day when the sane thoughts did not win out or they didn't enter my mind. This is the "having no defense against the first drink' idea the BB talks about.
There is a difference between reading the steps and taking the steps. There is a difference between having a sponsor to call when you are on the edge, and having a sponsor who helps you take the steps of recovery. The difference is freedom versus relief. A day spent on that path of freedom might be more beneficial long term than just getting through another tough time.
From the 10th step promises,
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition." --AA Big Book, Ch. 6, 1st Ed.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
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Originally Posted by steamvessel
Fritz,
This is interesting, I am working with a therapist with a technique called "mindfullness", it's starting to resonate with me. I've noticed other forms of therapy seem to put a patch on situations, but my mind is like wild fire, I can't control it in a way that cognitive therapists would suggest, at least not long term. This breaking apart my thoughts and observing them allows me the freedom to feel and think how I instinctually want to, but I can control the grasp they have on me by realizing that just because I am having these thoughts, they hold no power over me, unless I relenquish them. My automated responses will happen, I have come to accept that. But I can choose to back off and deal with them appropriately.
This is interesting, I am working with a therapist with a technique called "mindfullness", it's starting to resonate with me. I've noticed other forms of therapy seem to put a patch on situations, but my mind is like wild fire, I can't control it in a way that cognitive therapists would suggest, at least not long term. This breaking apart my thoughts and observing them allows me the freedom to feel and think how I instinctually want to, but I can control the grasp they have on me by realizing that just because I am having these thoughts, they hold no power over me, unless I relenquish them. My automated responses will happen, I have come to accept that. But I can choose to back off and deal with them appropriately.
It really takes t6he bite out of addiction which is a disease of delusion as much as anything. Namaste
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I picked up the phone three times to call my sponsor but never did.....
P.S. I know, already, I should have made that call to my sponsor.
Hmmm.......well, I bet he would have welcomed you call!!!!!
P.S. I know, already, I should have made that call to my sponsor.
Hmmm.......well, I bet he would have welcomed you call!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Rural OK
Posts: 329
You are right 1_day_@a_time. I talked to my sponsor last night for quite some time, I made A commitment to make him the FIRST call next rough day I have.
keithj, I know your advice is good but in the short time I've started the steps i'm only on #2-#3. I have read the others but the first 2 are now part of my daily thought pattern!
Maybe i'm going too slow but like you said "There is a difference between reading the steps and taking the steps." I am working toward TAKING them one by one.
Thanks for the words of wisdom and the encouragement everyone!!
keithj, I know your advice is good but in the short time I've started the steps i'm only on #2-#3. I have read the others but the first 2 are now part of my daily thought pattern!
Maybe i'm going too slow but like you said "There is a difference between reading the steps and taking the steps." I am working toward TAKING them one by one.
Thanks for the words of wisdom and the encouragement everyone!!
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