Can a drinker date an alcoholic?

Old 07-23-2009, 04:26 PM
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Unhappy Can a drinker date an alcoholic?



So I've been dating my bf for 6 months now and I knew when we started dating that he was an alcoholic...except he made it sound like it was really no big deal. He was only a couple months sober when we started dating and but was living in a sober house and going to AA every day. A couple months ago he moved out of town to work for the family business and stopped going to his regular meetings. He went to a couple in the new town but didn't find a sponsor and didn't ever stay to talk to someone.

Trying to make this short....but....basically he showed up to my house last weekend wasted. Spilled his guts a that he drank the weekend before when I was out with my friends and stole pain killers that I had left over (and never took an of) from last summer out of my medicine cabinet. He had just made the 6 month mark. We argued all night Friday, I felt like all our plans and relationship went down the drain. We've talked marriage and kids...I know it's only 6 months but this is future stuff...but he has become my best friend. I can tell him everything and he doesn't judge me...loves me just the way I am. Well, he drank again Saturday and again Sunday...and later I found out he took pills too on Sunday. Of course he lied when I asked him but later told me the truth when he was sober.

My question...now he is promising me this won't ever happen again...and I want to believe him but I have an alcoholic/pill addicted mother that has been promising me the same thing for over 15 years. It breaks my heart because he is such a wonderful person. He is a Christian and has got me into church and loving it and he has a wonderful family and would do anything for me and my son....WHAT DO I DO??????
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Old 07-23-2009, 04:31 PM
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Well I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like your bf was really working the program. In AA, they recommend that people in recovery stay away from romantic relationships until they have more sobriety time under their belt. I think they say, wait at LEAST a year. He ignored this.

The reason they say that, is because someone who is shaky and new in their sobriety has a good chance of relapsing if they get into a romantic relationship, which tend to cause conflict, and stress, even when they are good. Also, the alcoholic can end up making the rel'ship his drug.

Plus, him making it sound like it's "no big deal"...someone truly working the steps would be taking it more seriously, I think.

He's a wonderful person? Really? He stole your pills...hmm.

I'd ask you this-you know what it's like to hear empty promises from an addict. Addicts behave pretty similarly. "Textbook", in fact. Remember that you need to trust an addict's actions, not his words.

Knowing this, what do YOU feel is the right thing to do?

Originally Posted by luvmybf View Post


So I've been dating my bf for 6 months now and I knew when we started dating that he was an alcoholic...except he made it sound like it was really no big deal. He was only a couple months sober when we started dating and but was living in a sober house and going to AA every day. A couple months ago he moved out of town to work for the family business and stopped going to his regular meetings. He went to a couple in the new town but didn't find a sponsor and didn't ever stay to talk to someone.

Trying to make this short....but....basically he showed up to my house last weekend wasted. Spilled his guts a that he drank the weekend before when I was out with my friends and stole pain killers that I had left over (and never took an of) from last summer out of my medicine cabinet. He had just made the 6 month mark. We argued all night Friday, I felt like all our plans and relationship went down the drain. We've talked marriage and kids...I know it's only 6 months but this is future stuff...but he has become my best friend. I can tell him everything and he doesn't judge me...loves me just the way I am. Well, he drank again Saturday and again Sunday...and later I found out he took pills too on Sunday. Of course he lied when I asked him but later told me the truth when he was sober.

My question...now he is promising me this won't ever happen again...and I want to believe him but I have an alcoholic/pill addicted mother that has been promising me the same thing for over 15 years. It breaks my heart because he is such a wonderful person. He is a Christian and has got me into church and loving it and he has a wonderful family and would do anything for me and my son....WHAT DO I DO??????
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Old 07-23-2009, 04:43 PM
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I think you have the question backwards, IMHO it should be "can an alcoholic date a drinker?"

That stuff about no relationships is BS. What it says is no major changes in the first year. This philosophy by the way, is not in any AA literature anywhere, but it is prevalent in rehab and AA rooms.
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:02 PM
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I've been to MANY an AA meeting, when I dated a recovering alcoholic for a year. And I have a friend who's been sober for 2 yrs and working the program-we just discussed this very topic TODAY even.

Relationships within the first year of sobriety are frowned upon, and not recommended. Of course, no one can make anyone do anything. I'm just saying, someone who was working the program would've heard this at some point or another.

There are many cases that prove this to be true, just like the OP's case.


Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
I think you have the question backwards, IMHO it should be "can an alcoholic date a drinker?"

That stuff about no relationships is BS. What it says is no major changes in the first year. This philosophy by the way, is not in any AA literature anywhere, but it is prevalent in rehab and AA rooms.
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:06 PM
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Here's some background on this topic:

Relationships & Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? - *****! Answers

And btw, isn't a NEW relationship a "MAJOR CHANGE"?????
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:11 PM
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I'm pretty sure he was doing what he thought was best. I'm not he to judge anyone. I really guess I'm looking for someone that has been through this. He put himself in a 3 month in house rehab and moved straight to a sober house and attended meetings every day. I realize he ignored the whole year-relationship thing but it just kind of happened. We have talked about the reason he tried to play it off as nothing, because he wanted to believe that he could handle it, could control the urge...he knows that by him not doing what he needed to do by staying in meetings, staying active, having a sponsor, reading his book....these are the reasons that he relapsed.

Yes, he is a wonderful person...again, I can't judge him for taking/stealing my prescriptions...I've never been addicted to anything so I don't understand the craving. Drugs and alcohol make good people do stupid things. He's not a bad person, he's not a thief...he's an alcoholic.

I care enough about him to do what I can to help him. I know his sobriety is up to him but I want to support him....I guess that's why I joined this site.

Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Well I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like your bf was really working the program. In AA, they recommend that people in recovery stay away from romantic relationships until they have more sobriety time under their belt. I think they say, wait at LEAST a year. He ignored this.

The reason they say that, is because someone who is shaky and new in their sobriety has a good chance of relapsing if they get into a romantic relationship, which tend to cause conflict, and stress, even when they are good. Also, the alcoholic can end up making the rel'ship his drug.

Plus, him making it sound like it's "no big deal"...someone truly working the steps would be taking it more seriously, I think.

He's a wonderful person? Really? He stole your pills...hmm.

I'd ask you this-you know what it's like to hear empty promises from an addict. Addicts behave pretty similarly. "Textbook", in fact. Remember that you need to trust an addict's actions, not his words.

Knowing this, what do YOU feel is the right thing to do?
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:43 PM
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Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help him. He has to want it, and he has to work it.

What you can actively do, is decide if you're willing to live that way, with him drinking and stealing pills - because if he decides not to work it, that's what you'll get. You know the drill from you Mother I'd guess.

Either way, Al-anon would be a great place for you to get support for you.
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:59 PM
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Yes, that is what I should have said...my apologies. I don't want to hinder his progress by being in a relationship with him but we are in it now, do I leave him or stay and support him? I'm just trying to figure out what would be best for his sobriety. I don't want to leave him but I would if it meant he wouldn't relapse again.

I am going to look into some Alanon meetings in my area. If not for anything but for the grief I've been through with my mother. Funny as I was writing this, my dad called (they've been divorced 17 years) because she called him from the near by airport. Apparently she was so pilled up she got lost and wound up at the airport and "bumped" another car. Airport security had her and wanted someone to come get her. I have at this point pretty much dismissed her from my life.


Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
I think you have the question backwards, IMHO it should be "can an alcoholic date a drinker?"

That stuff about no relationships is BS. What it says is no major changes in the first year. This philosophy by the way, is not in any AA literature anywhere, but it is prevalent in rehab and AA rooms.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:12 PM
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Anyone can date anyone.

Is it a good idea? IMHO, no.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:21 PM
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I am a drinker. I enjoy a really good ale or wine with dinner.

My wife is an addict/alcoholic...with a recent third relapse in 12 years together.

Having alcohol in our house is not an option anymore. I am fine with that. In fact, I'm ok if I never have another drink.

Others may find that they can drink around their alcoholics. I will not. It hasn't turned out well in the past.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:31 PM
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Thank you for your input...I really appreciate hearing from someone that has lived this.

Originally Posted by FSquared View Post
I am a drinker. I enjoy a really good ale or wine with dinner.

My wife is an addict/alcoholic...with a recent third relapse in 12 years together.

Having alcohol in our house is not an option anymore. I am fine with that. In fact, I'm ok if I never have another drink.

Others may find that they can drink around their alcoholics. I will not. It hasn't turned out well in the past.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:38 PM
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I'm just trying to figure out what would be best for his sobriety. I don't want to leave him but I would if it meant he wouldn't relapse again.
It's not up to you to decide what's best for his sobriety really. I mean, you (none of us) have that much power over another person.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by FSquared View Post
I am a drinker. I enjoy a really good ale or wine with dinner.

My wife is an addict/alcoholic...with a recent third relapse in 12 years together.

Having alcohol in our house is not an option anymore. I am fine with that. In fact, I'm ok if I never have another drink.

Others may find that they can drink around their alcoholics. I will not. It hasn't turned out well in the past.
I didn't feel comfortable drinking around my AH, even though he bought me some (ha ha), and encouraged me to drink when out to dinner. Now that I left him, I still don't drink - because it just brings up too many horrible things in my mind. Maybe one day, maybe not.
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:44 PM
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Promises are just words. Anyone can spit out the words someone else wants to hear. Actions are where the rubber meets the road. If it were me, I would put off any decision about whether to stay with him or not until some time has passed. Give it 6 months or so. By then, his actions will tell you all you need to know.

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Old 07-23-2009, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by luvmybf View Post


WHAT DO I DO??????
Don't walk away, run!
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Old 07-23-2009, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Here's some background on this topic:

Relationships & Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? - *****! Answers

And btw, isn't a NEW relationship a "MAJOR CHANGE"?????
It depends. If you are a "serial dater" then no it is no change at all.
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Old 07-24-2009, 07:22 AM
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I am glad you found us here!!

I would think very carefully about making future plans with someone who is in active addiction, and who lies and steals - no matter what his motives.

Being nonjudgmental - "who am i to judge him?" - has ended up with some of our members going through twenty years of hell. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with judgment. It's how we make the decisions that are best for us. "Do I want to wrap my entire life around someone who drinks, does pills, steals from me, and lies to me?"

"No" is a perfectly good response to that question. You seem to still be in the stage where you're making excuses for his behavior - at your own expense.

As adult children of addicts, we (you and I and others) are particularly vulnerable to our mind latching onto anyone who we think accepts us as we are, and also are drawn to people who mirror the addictive chaos of our families of origin. You're comfortable with this, on some level. It's what you've known, so it seems normal and good.

Al-Anon, SoberRecovery, and a good counselor helped me to step out of the rose-colored glasses of "love" and see what I was setting myself up for, and I'll be forever grateful for them for that.

I hope you can find a way to take off those glasses for a moment and see what you are about to walk into. Please do read around here on the forum and read peoples' stories. You'll find that many of them are similar to yours, and you will probably say, "Yes, but he's DIFFERENT...he's WONDERFUL..." Which is what we all said too.

Take care of yourself, and check out an Al-Anon meeting or two or fifty
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:24 AM
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ask yourself if this is where you want to be 5, 10, 20 years from now
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:59 AM
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An alcoholic who is not well on his way to recovery has no control whatsoever over whether or not "this happens again." If he had control over that, he would not be an alcoholic. It's probably not exactly that he is lying to you...but he certainly isn't telling you the truth either. He is probably not is a position to truly know what the truth is...and unless he has thoroughly completed Step 1 (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.), he most certainly has not yet acknowledged the truth even to himself.

Someday he might -- but, then again, he might not.

If nothing changes, is this the kind of behavior on which you want to try to build a marriage and parenthood???????

Take care of you -- freya
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Old 07-24-2009, 11:49 AM
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Have a look at what might very well be your own future post if you stay with him

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-more.html
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