Boogs

Hi, I just joined tonight as even though I ended my relationship with my alcoholic ex approx 18 months ago I still have to see him all the time as we work together and his addiction is still getting to me.

We were together for about 3 years and with hindsight I can see that he had a drink problem the whole time and treated me pretty appallingly. He thought as he didn't wake up and reach for the bottle that he was fine but he would rarely go for a day without drinking and would constantly dissapear to the pub if he was upset, angry, stressed, happy - pretty much any emotion towards the end. I would sit up half the night worrying and wondering where the hell he was most of the time.

When I finally cracked it was mainly in the hope that he would wake up and start to deal with his problem. Of course he didn't, he just got worse and I swear he has aged 10 years in the last 18 months. He started taking loads of sickies and in a desperate attempt to stop him losing everything I went to HR and cried telling them that they shouldn't punish him for his sickies, that he needed help etc. They were really great and lent him money to get his own place, gave him time out to attend counselling etc. He then got himself a new girlfriend and decided that he was fine.

The last few months he has been very loud and over compensating in an attempt to show the world that he is fine and is getting really aggresive (mainly with me). Today I had to speak to him again about him being hostile towards me at work and how I wouldn't accept it and he accused me of starting a rumour that he had a drink problem to get him into trouble. I honestly made my life hell (even after I had kicked him out) and always put him first. I went to relate which has really helped me to disengage with him (which really increased his anger and aggresssion) but I'm still struggling to deal with his drink problem. I know that someone from an outside organisation made a complaint against him for being aggressive and smelling of alcohol and he is now trying to lay the blame at me and deny that he has a problem.

I'm sorry, this is really rambling and self pitying but how could someone that I loved so much be such an idiot?

GiveLove

I think almost every person here could ask that question! We usually find out that the person wasn't so great after all, perhaps didn't even deserve the kindness we gave them. Then we realize that we can't control their lives or their choices - only our own. Then one day, after a lot of inner work, we wake up and say, "Why on earth am I still wasting any time whatsoever thinking about this person?"

What would you do if he WEREN'T someone you used to love? If he were just some stranger? Would you let him get away with harassing you at work? What would you do?

It sounds like you are still enmeshed in his life, seeking to make him make difference choices. Why is that? Why not just let him go do whatever he's going to do to himself?

If he's physically harassing you and making your job difficult, file a formal complaint to make him stop.

If he's being "ungrateful" for what you did for him, then ponder that: Isn't the fact that he's a graceless jerk the reason you're not with him? Isn't this just further proof that you made the right decision? Or were you expecting a certain (positive) reaction from him? Examine your motives, and you may find something that needs to be rooted out.

If he's just telling his bloated lies to someone else who'll listen, then consider ignoring him, and telling any mutual acquaintances that you really don't want to hear another word about him. The rantings of a drunk are worth less than nothing - and as Dr. Seuss wrote: those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

A combination of learning about alcoholism, personal counseling, and Al-Anon meetings (for friends & family of alcoholics) helped me to see that i didn't have to be held hostage by someone else's actions any more.

Stick around read some posts, and especially read the Sticky posts at the very top of the forum. You may find that there have been many in your shoes!

Welcome!

Still Waters

Alcoholics and addicts are not stupid people, they're very smart at covering up. Unless you're looking for the "signs" and actually know what they are, it's quite easy to miss them in the beginning. If they lie and manipulate, and you aren't looking for lies, then you might not see it happening at all.

Many of us only noticed them too late.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.....but I darn sure know better now

Boogs

Thanks a lot for your post GiveLove.

Through counselling I have moved on this year far more than I thought I ever would but it is so hard having to still deal with him most days.

I think we mainly bonded over our troubled childhoods. There were a lot of similarities and whilst my way of dealing with it was to take charge and look after people his way was to self destruct. When I met him he had been through rehab for heroin addiction and I really admired him for turning his life around. I can now see that alcohol was always his problem. He is going through the courts to get access to his kids and when I read reports on his marriage it was clear that alcohol was always a problem. He was very violent and destructive within his marriage and see's that he changed because he only hurt me physically twice.

I made so many excuses for his behaviour because I understood the pain from his past but now I can see that he totally took advantage of me. I don't want him to be grateful but I also don't want him to blame me for his mistakes. Then again I guess that is part of his alcoholism (that of course he doesn't have).

I think that reading here will help me as it is the alcoholism that I am really struggling with. I would feel a bit of a fraud going to Alanon meetings now i'm no longer with him. Would it still be ok for me to go along after all this time?

Boogs

He is certainly manipulative but I can see past that now and pretty much read him like a book. He tried to tell me today that I don't know him at all as he is very complex and there are many layers to him and had I ever considered that he moved away from me to protect me as he didn't want to keep hurting me. I told him that I knew that was what he liked to think but it was total ********. He is all about him and him alone. He also says that he still loves me and that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life but this doesn't diminish his feelings at all for his current girlfriend.

The man is an arse.

Freedom1990

I still attend AA after many years of being sober. Why? Because I will always be an alcoholic, but hopefully a sober one who continues to grow each day.

When I left my EXAH, I thought that problem was solved (being with an active alcoholic). What I didn't realize is that the problem was staring back at me in the mirror.

I neatly evaded my codependency issues for many years after the divorce, and yet I couldn't figure out why my life was still so unmanageable. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another.

I need Alanon as much today as I did 9 years ago when I finally hit my codependent bottom.

TakingCharge999

Hi Boogs of course you can go to Alanon whenever you need it...

I understand why you don't want him to blame you for his mistakes, but dear Boogs, this is what alcoholics do. An ex blamed my problems for our break up. This got me very angry, sometimes still does, but hey, it is not surprising right - they drink to avoid reality, why would I expect an alcoholic to face reality??

I am with you in that I also work with my ex. I have found this has made the moving on much more slower and painful. For me its almost a year and it still feels like yesterday some days.

I agree with GL - if he is harrasing you at work, report him.

I just wanted to send you hugs and tell you you are not alone...

TC

PS Ah yes, its a trait of alcoholism to think one is "exceptional". Personal exceptionalism / terminal uniqueness. In the end my dear this "special status" is the perfect mechanism to prevent him from seeking help. Because HE is special, HE does not have a problem, HE has gone through stuff, HE is very complex. My ex said his path was a very lonely path.. isn't everybody's? No. HE is special.

As bad as it may feel, you are better off without someone still so deep in denial.

PPS What helps me sometimes is to think what did NOT happen, I did not lose a limb due to his drunk driving, I did not lost mobility due to escalating violence, I did not get a STD from him, I did not have kids with him, I am NOT an alcoholic and lost all interest in alcohol. Really it could have been much worse, God/HP saved you from much destruction that is so sure to happen next to an alcoholic.

Boogs

My local al anon group meets on the night when I have my counselling. I feel that I need to continue with that for the time being but will try al anon when I have finished.

It is just impossible working with your ex in this situation isn't it? Despite me kicking him out last March he kept making lots of promises and deep down I was waiting for him to sort himself out to come back. It was probably only January this year (after I had tried to get involved with another guy and burst into tears at an inopportune moment only for him to finally admit he had been secretly seeing someone for months and telling lies about it) that I finally accepted it was over. I was completely devastated but now honestly feel relief. It is hard to keep hold of the relief feelings when he is in my face all the time though.

I have spoken to HR in the past and today have started to keep a log. I need a new job soon

Thanks to everyone for the replies, I think that caring about an addict is one of the most lonely things ever and hearing from other in that position has helped more than you could know.

Boogs

Think you added this PS while I was posting. Oh yes, he is far more messed up than anyone else could ever be. All the hell he put me through I never really saw any real emotion from him. Even when he had walked out and came back 5 mins later to find me with a knife to my wrist all he did was take all the knives with him to the pub. I was in pieces but no emotion from him. When he did finally show emotion I was so shocked that I ended up comforting him. This was when he was crying when he admitted that he had been secretly seeing someone for months and realised that I was not going to prop him up anymore. Selfish fool. When he was giving it the big I am earlier and saying that I didn't know him, nobody did etc I told him that actually I did know him but he didn't know himself.

When he sat there and looked me in the eye today and said 'I don't have a drink problem at all' I knew he was screwed. He then changed it to, no it is a problem that I identified but I am in control of. He told me the same thing 2 years ago.

Absolutely I should consider what I didn't do. He never broke a bone, he didn't leave me with a mortgage (despite all the other debt), he didn't leave me with his kid. When a colleague of ours got pregnant I felt upset deep down when I saw his face because I really did imagine having a family with him. Now I am so relieved that our only tie was our cats

sandrawg

I've broken up with my xabf, and I'm going to start attending al-anon meetings. And probably CODA meetings as well. Reason being that even though I am getting better at distancing myself from HIS problem (and remind yourself, it is HIS problem..I notice in your original post, you keep saying your'e still so affected by it...well,a ren't you LETTING yourself be affected by it?), I have my OWN issues to work out. I want to make sure I don't get involved with another alcoholic again.

Until WE work on our OWN issues, there is a likelihood we will get into another dysfunctional relationship. And that's what you might want to look at - your OWN issues, because he is not you, he never will be you, you can't control him, and he will never do what YOU would like him to do.

He's an adult. He can make his own choices. You stepped in and intervened for him, thinking you would be helping him. He never asked for your help. Now you call him ungrateful? Well, who died and made you his keeper? I'm not trying to be harsh, but the things we think we do to "help" an alcoholic actually only hurt him AND us. It doesn't let him face the consequences of his actions-and that's what it requires for him to "hit bottom", and just like you're feeling, it makes us resentful.

My bible right now is Melody Beattie's "codependent no more". Through reading this book, I am learning to detach with love and focus on my own issues. No longer will I lose sleep worrying about my xabf's alcoholic activities. No longer will I obsessively focus on anyone else. No longer will my acts be "RE"-actionary, angry, passive aggressive, and any number of little tricks or games I tried to get him to change. It's wasted effort.

I agree with the poster who said, report him to HR if he keeps harrassing you. What's stopping you? You're afraid he'll get fired? Don't you think he deserves to be? If he wasn't your ex and you didn't know he was an alcohoilc, wouldn't you report him?

Detach. It feels soooooo much better.

sandrawg

Wow-so, you had a knife to your wrist, but you're focusing on how messed up HE is?

I see a lot of blame on him for your problems, my dear.

One thing we all have to face in this forum is our OWN sickness. I am just as sick if not sicker than my ex. I mean, why did I get in a rel'ship with him in the first place? I had red flags. I ignored them. WHY?

I would rather ask WHY about my behavior and take some ownership for what I did than continually ask myself WHY did HE do this or that--which is a pointless exercise cuz I'll never get in HIS head.

Great quote for you:

"When we blame others, we give up our ability to change."

Boogs

Thanks sandrawg. I know he is an adult making his own choices and I have detatched massively. I can remember him begging me not to leave him because he needed me to keep him in line and give him his boundaries. Whilst I told him that I wasn't his mother or his psychotherapist I still didn't leave when his behaviour didn't change.

I will look up that book.

sandrawg

I did the same. I laid down boundaries that I let my ex cross, more than once. You finally realized, don'tya,that you can only do that so many times w/out losing your self-respect.

Boogs

Actually this really isn't the case at all. I can see how messed up I was which is why I have been attending counselling all this year. I am working on addressing my issues. I don't blame him for my problems at all, if anything I blamed myself for a long time for everything. I was messed up and had low self esteem, he stamped over the little bit of self esteem that I had and abused me for a long time. It turned me into a desperate person that I didn't even know. Have you never done something desperate during such times?

I can't say that I am perfect but it is bloody hard to face the person who abused you for years on a daily basis. Someone that you loved with all your heart who you can see ageing daily in front of your eyes. Someone who you can see destructing and dying. That is why I came on here. Not to blame him for my problems, to try to learn how to deal with the destructiveness of his illness.

sandrawg

I'm just going by what you've said in your posts, for example:

"Even when he had walked out and came back 5 mins later to find me with a knife to my wrist all he did was take all the knives with him to the pub."

There is a lot of blame in that sentence! As in, you expected him to do something more, to care more about you, but really putting your knife to your wrist in front of someone else is emotional blackmail.

My sister's alcoholic exh did this to her -- it is a very traumatizing thing to do to someone--it's a not so veiled suicide threat!

The fact that you would say this in your post, as a complaint about HIM, suggests you are still harboring a lot of resentment towards him and, from my perspective, not much looking at your own part in things.

sandrawg

Yes, of course, I did desperate things, but I no longer blame HIM for them.

Just like he made his choices, I made mine. Whatever actions I took, I take responsibility for. No one MADE me do anything.

Whatever he did, it was MY choice how to feel, think, or react to it.

Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"I was messed up and had low self esteem, he stamped over the little bit of self esteem that I had and abused me for a long time. It turned me into a desperate person that I didn't even know. Have you never done something desperate during such times?"

alwaysthinking2

Everyone comes to their own conclusions in their own time.

Boogs, it sounds like you are doing a lot of good for yourself -- both in coming here and in continuing to go to therapy.

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have to see your ex on such a regular basis. I know there is someone else who regularly posts on this forum who also works with their xabf, perhaps they will chime in with their experience.

Keep doing things for yourself and keep taking care of yourself. This will get better.

Best,
at2

TakingCharge999

Ah yes, Crazy4Him and me have the honor of having our Drug of Choice wandering infront of us daily- I hope we get extra brownie points for resisting temptation on a daily basis.

It may be worth the shot looking for a different job. However dear Boogs, if you are OK with it, if the pay is good, if you would otherwise stay it is not fair to you to leave a job just because of an alcoholic. Its your choice of course... but I believe if we do our inner work, one GLORIOUS DAY we will meet them with total indifference, as if they were strangers....but we need to work our emotions and release them... time alone does not fix anything....

I too imagined a family but please look around in the forum, know what a marriage with an alcoholic looks like... we are lucky we knew this at this stage in our lives.. and were able to leave.. I think its easier to stay and keep swallowing your needs, ideas, feelings and opinions... but now we are able to chose something different.

Please keep posting, it really helps!

Boogs

Ok, I appreciate that is how it may have come across from my post yesterday. I was very upset and not really thinking straight. When I used that example I was trying to show that he never showed emotion. That day when he walked out I had no idea he was coming back. He had never in the past when he ran out when I was upset. I was genuinely amazed when he walked into the room. The knife was not an attempt at emotional blackmail as I never thought he would see it, it was a bloody stupid thing that I did in a moment of hysterical desperation a long time ago. If I saw someone that I cared about who was that upset it would upset me, I wouldn't take the knives and then go straight the pub for the day!

I am not blaming him for the way I behaved, and I'm not saying that I had no part to play our problems. I spent the last 4 years making excuses for his behaviour and taking the blame for everything. I have a bit more perspective now and am working on my self esteem so that I don't end up in another destructive relationship in the future.

I do very much appreciate you taking the time to post though and have just ordered the co-dependent no more book on express delivery to arrive tomorrow. Maybe that will help me to see things a bit clearer.

It is extremely hard working alongside him and I had another confrontation with him today. I am now working in a position where I am responsible for his team and if I ever question him on anything he kicks off and makes it personal. He is back in complete denial about having a drink problem and says that his problems at work have been caused by me causing trouble. Yes the fact that he has a sickie most weeks and had someone complain about him smelling of alcohol and being aggressive is entirely my fault I'm sure. I am now keeping a log and have spoken to management today as I will not accept this behaviour at work any more. I desperately want a new job but there isn't much round at the moment.

I'm aware I am just rambling again now. Thanks to everyone for all posts, I will read around here a bit more. It just feels good to be around others in a similar position to me.

sandrawg

Wow-hang in there-I know things are tough, but someone said something to me once about water rising to its own level. Not sure what it meant (lol) but the way I interpret it is--leave things alone and they have a tendency to work themselves out.

Yeah, I do think it's a good idea to keep a log and definitely report him for harrassment. But remember he's an alcoholic, so his alcoholic behaviors will certainly come out at work and probably cost him his job eventually.

Is there any way you can just deal with him on a professional level and not even think about or discuss his drinking?