Alaia

I hate these up an down days...I really do. I wish I could just erase this whole thing from my mind. I have dreams, I am haunted be his face, his voice, him.

This was my first and last relationship with an addict. I have only had 3 serious relationships in my life (I am 31) M was the first and we were friends for about 2 years before we got together. After 3 years he was content with his life the way it was...but I wanted more so I broke it off and moved on. It wasn't a bad break-up. K was my second and I was so happy in the begining, but he turned out to be a pathalogical liar, cheated on me, ect. Broke my heart really bad but I then I went to therapy and then got on meds since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

I met my ex-abf through a good friend of mine...before he was an addict and got involved with Oxy's. He was with his gf when I met him, they had a child together, so of course I didn't persue him because I am not that kind of girl. Well we became friends and he would come out sometimes with the group of us. Then he and his ex broke up and we all went out but another girl kinda moved in on him and he ended up with her for awhile, then went back to his ex. I didn't see him often but we remained friends.

Fast forward to 2007 and he finds me online on myspace and asks me if I wanted to hang out and see where things might go. I liked this guy from the day I met him. We just clicked, but never acted on it cause he was with his ex @ the time and I knew her and had hung out with her too. I would never get involved with someone who had a gf. Anyways I tell him that my last ex K had really done a number to me, cheated on me ect and that I had trust issues and depression and anxiety. I also asked him about how he was doing. He was just home from Florida, had went to re-hab (that his job payed for) and was going to meetings everyday. He seemed good, I didn't have any experience with addicts so I was nieave. I called my friend who introduced us a long time ago and he said go for it. It was all good from there. Things were great. I was so in love with him. Our relationship was effortless, everything came so easy cause we already knew each other so I was never nervous. Then he relapsed and everything changed. I really try to believe he loved me when we were first together and all the things he said were true.

Things went downhill fast...you can look at my older posts to get the rest of that story. To the point where I had a restraining order on him and we didn't speak for almost 2 months. At xmas I was missing him so I sent him and xmas card because I knew the address to the holding he was in. Then his ex and i were on aim and she said he had wanted to thank me for the card but had no way to get ahold of me, and said he really wanted to talk to me. So New Years Day I called him and we eventually got back together and I was so happy because I thought he was doing so well in his program (now I know different as of last week) he was using me the whole time this time around (and most likely last time too) cheated on me with other girls, his ex caught wind and tried to warn me (all in previous posts on here) but he kept telling me he loved me, only wanted to be with me and I believed every word he said because I knew he was always faithful to his gf's before. There were times when we could have kissed when he was with his ex when we were friends but we didn't and he always brought that up, how he would NEVER cheat and I knew it cause we could have, we had oppertunity but we never did (I would never). and I beleieved him.

Boy does this all hurt so bad. It's like my world came crashing down. All I did was try to support him and he took advantage, but I let him. I loved him more than anyone else and I always will. No one is ever gonna be able to take the place of him (the good parts). He was my soul mate and I just hope that the first time we were together before he relapsed....that when he said he loved me...he meant it. It hurts too much to think that I could mean nothing to him. It hurts to know he is with another woman and that when he was with me it was all fake. I just don't understand how anyone could do something so hurtful to another person.
__________________

outtolunch

I mean this with compassion for your emotional pain:

This " soul mate " thing is a romantic notion, the stuff of love songs.

You live as best you can alone/somehow believing you are incomplete and then, one magical day you meet your other half, the person who completes you in every way. This person always knows how to make you laugh, how to make you feel cherished, and will never hurt you.

Finding a true friend-someone you click with, someone with whom you can share your emotions and communicate well-is central to making a good match. But the idea that there is one person who will fulfill all our needs, one special someone out there for each of us, is immature thinking.

Be true to yourself. Fill yourself. And chances are, when you realize you do not need someone to complete you, you will turn the corner and meet someone new.

Abundance

I believe in soul mates.... and twin flames.

I believe that my guy and myself are TWIN FLAMES. We were so close to doing service work for the planet .... I.E. - him helping those w/ addiction and me with co-dependence. We even have had a couple of times where we have teamed up and helped people/families/couples. Good team for certain. THAT could have been our service work.

We are both old souls- but we both have more work to do on ourselves. When looking at each other - it was like looking in the mirror. However, when there were mis-fires *addiction/co-dependency* and not being on the same page - it is VERY TOXIC. I have to remember - it's not love then..... it's ADDICTION - on both parts!!!

People say it's a fairy tale... and in the movies *(hollywood) i.e. - because it is SURREAL! I KNOW couples who are HEALTHY - and experience this .... SANS drugs!

In order to be TRUE TO OURSELVES - we MUST do our own personal healing and growth....

Google "Twin Flames"

I'm right there with you.... it hurts BAD. Keep the focus on you and your healing during this time - especially. Love yourself, caress yourself, be kind to yourself.

Peace and Love

xoxoxoxo

Abundance

What Are Twin Flames? - Weebly Site

The above is a good link to start with.

When my guy was in rehab - the program director looked at us ~ the first day ~ of seeing us together. He said - "the two of you look like you have been together for 200 years."

The first weekend we spent together- a friend of mine popped over unexpectedly. She is a healer with psychic abilities. We were sitting around the table and she looked at the two of us and said.... that our energy together was very strong. She felt that when she looked at him - that she saw me... and visa versa!

My guy and I had only spent maybe 5 hours together TOPS - thus far! AND she hadn't heard anything about him prior. It was a fluke that she even stopped by!

I had sent something to my guy via text about 6 months ago - and he kept it and shared it with me later. I forgot that I had sent it - but I'll share it here with you.

"Keeping from the penetrating - don't let it penetrate me. instead of being like out of body...Escaping. Don't flight-don't run away from yourself. You are the eyes of world."



xoxoxo

Abundance

That is the thing Anvil - in order for TWO Twin Flames to fully re-unite - they have to be whole people themselves..... otherwise it is VERY painful.

WELL - DUH???? RIGHT?! I mean - isn't that true ANYWAY?!

However, experiencing a soul mate/twin flame relationship - has been felt by many...... and that it's not something to toss to the wind. It's not just a fairy tale/movie.... it really happens. I'm proof of it and there are many people out there that are as well.

Not everyone meets their twin soul in every lifetime, nor should one seek it out ... it's in God/dess's time when the two soul halves will meet, and their successful reunion depends upon the balancing of karma with other souls, the balance of male/female energies within them and between them, and their Spiritual evolution. The energy between them is powerful, the two halves are often like magnets, there is the irresistible pull, or the inexplicable "pushing away" as the energy is sometimes too powerful for one or both to deal with.

Some people mistake unrequited love for a twinflame relationship. It is not, though these powerful "unrequited" love experiences with soul mates or "near flames" can often be the threshold leading to the meeting with your twin soul. As we learn to love and release and open our hearts fully in compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love, we are being made ready for the ultimate reunion with the other half of our soul. Both halves will feel this connection, and often many synchronistic events and signs will lead up to this magical meeting.

Often one or both will try to run from the energy, it can scare the "stuff" out of you to meet with this person whose soul resonates so strongly with your own. Looking into this person and seeing yourself can frighten you if you haven't done the inner work. If the two halves have not evolved spiritually to come to the place of unconditional love and inner strength, then the meeting can be tragic, short-lived or beset with difficulties (Nelson Eddy & Jeanette McDonald, Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton come to mind) but the magnetic pull remains.

Abundance

*IF* you believe in soul mates - THEN you also know that you have the ability to have a MANY of soul mates - in different forms. I.E. - I have a verrrry soulful relationship with my boys. I also have many soulmate friendships. My bff .. i.e. - she is my SOUL MATE! She can start a sentence that I was just about to say ... just by seeing a look on my face. CRAZY!

I also have met *angels*... the soul mates that come in my life for a short while....

However, with the twin flame scenario ..... IF we are not evolved in ourselves - then it's not the right time for the two flames to RE-UNITE! And when we do have the CHANCE to re-unite and one is not ready - then we are to LET GO ... and allow the time/space/distance for the flame to find themselves.

I could even look at the "cute little red head" as being an ANGEL ..... because if it weren't for that happening with him and her on the airplane - I don't know if I'd be singing this same tune! YA know?

Alaia .... let him go .... love yourself ..... and if it's meant to be....... it will be.

Abundance

It's all good Anvil... I have much respect for ya! No stirring up at all.... like you said, just different view points.

Alaia

Thank u Anvil. Your 100% right.

Alaia

I don't think I that I feel the need for someone to complete me..maybe I am wrong though. I can survive on my own. I just like having someone there. I do agree with the soul mate thing. I kinda live in a dream world sometimes...and have been told I am immature sometimes.

Chino

Abs, I believe in soul mates but many, and not all are romantic.

Don't know about the twin flames thing, but I've always looked at romantic relationships that way or, if I'm in a humorous mood, a Push-me Pull-you from Dr. Doolittle

Learn2Live

Hey Alaia,

For what it's worth, I think all that romance stuff is BS. And I don't believe in soulmates. When I was 27 I did because my 5-years-clean-from-crack BF at the time and I clicked so well we could finish eachothers sentences. I could talk by humming and he knew what I was saying. (I know that sounds weird). But that was the most Codependent relationship I have ever experienced or even heard of. We both agreed at the time that we were soulmates, with the whole entire romantic story of how a star breaks apart in heaven and becomes two, and if you are lucky you will reconnect on earth with your other half, your soulmate. What a crock.

Alaia, I personally do not believe that just because a person is an addict or alcoholic, or even because they cheat on you, that it is proof that they do not love you or that they do not care about you. No, cheating on you, using you, taking advantage of you, all the crappy things they "do to us" are not loving or caring behaviors. But loving you and caring about you are FEELINGS. I have only this past year learned to know there is a difference between what they DO and how they FEEL. I am certain that this man loved you and cared about you, just as I am certain that all my ex'es including the addicts, loved and cared about me. MY DAD loves and cares about me beyond any doubt and he has always been alcoholic and he did some crappy things and neglected a lot of the things that we needed as kids. And the last addict in my life who you and I have been talking about loves me and cares about me, I have no doubt. But he is not able to change his behavior to match his feelings.

All the things we learn about being Codependent, we look at ourselves and admit to ourselves that this is the way we are. Well, guess what, in order for there to be a Codependent relationship, there must be another person involved. They too are Codependent. They have many of the same qualities and characteristics as we do. They are needy, they are emotional, and they are MAJOR reactors; just like us. Actually, I would guess that they are much more reactive than we are. My point is, your ex-BF is an addict, yes, with many many problems. But he is also a human being with feelings and dreams and values just like the rest of us. We think "their" behavior is "using" us. But to tell the truth, the world is not limited to just me...or you...or anyone. His behavior is HIS behavior. He is doing these things to himself. That is part of detaching. Part of letting go. It's the understanding in your mind that ALL of this has NOTHING to do with YOU.

What helps me a lot is to think of people living in their own little boxes. Everyone is mostly in their own head. They react to the world in their own head, their own little box. You did not do anything wrong, or to cause what is happening. You are not undeserving of being treated better than he is able to treat you. He is operating in his own box and you are allowing that to affect what is going on in your box. It's normal. It's human. You are going to get through this. And you are going to get stronger every day you are in Recovery.

One last thing, I have noticed with me having turned 40 recently, is that with each turn of a decade, my life changes significantly. I have MAJOR changes occur in my life, just like your situation with your exBF. They are growing experiences. They are the world bringing you experiences for you to learn from and to make you stronger as you age. You are exactly where you should be in your life and although I know you are hurting, i am glad you have this opportunity to learn.

123bubblegum123

Let's be real here ladies and gentlemen, I think what we're all saying subtly is that we'd all rather be single and "independent" than stuck in a bad/unhealthy relationship.

I found myself and my own confidence during my stint with singledom. I became my own best friend: I learned what I liked, what I didn't like, what I wanted, what I didn't want.

However, being single made me rely on myself and only myself. Now that I'm in a relationship and can bounce ideas and feelings off of someone else who is not a girlfriend (who eventually will get involved with their own boyfriends and who usually have their own issues to deal with) I see myself being shaped into a better, softer, nicer person.

I thought I was queen of the world pre-boyfriend. Being single gave me confidence and self-assurance. Being in a healthy relationship has humbled me and made me compassionate and more fulfilled.

If you give yourself enough healing time, just like all gals and guys have to do post-messy breakup, I promise you that you'll become stronger and much less likely to gravitate towards bad men and bad relationships.

Hugs & support,
Rachel

outtolunch

We are all immature on some level and works in progress.

I meant no harm.

Alaia

I didn't take it as harmful at all. I was just saying people have told me I am immature sometimes.

Callie

Alaia, I personally do not believe that just because a person is an addict or alcoholic, or even because they cheat on you, that it is proof that they do not love you or that they do not care about you. No, cheating on you, using you, taking advantage of you, all the crappy things they "do to us" are not loving or caring behaviors. But loving you and caring about you are FEELINGS. I have only this past year learned to know there is a difference between what they DO and how they FEEL. I am certain that this man loved you and cared about you, just as I am certain that all my ex'es including the addicts, loved and cared about me. MY DAD loves and cares about me beyond any doubt and he has always been alcoholic and he did some crappy things and neglected a lot of the things that we needed as kids. And the last addict in my life who you and I have been talking about loves me and cares about me, I have no doubt. But he is not able to change his behavior to match his feelings.

I agree with this as well. My H has done a number on me, but he does love me to his own capacity. That I know. It's not ACCEPTABLE what he's done, but I know that he loves me to his own capacity. HIS capacity is not acceptable with MY expectations on any level. I want more and frankly, deserve more. Even if we part today, we will always share a special bond. It's not a HEALTHY bond, but it's ours nonetheless. Hate the addiction, not the person, right?? Easier said than done in most cases.

Alaia

Was it his addiction that made him fall in love with his new gf, and string me along for 3 months while he was with her and pretending to be with me?

I know everyone says is not me and not to blame myself...but I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me...why didn't he come home to me...he went to her.

I'm sorry guys...I am having a really hard time with this and I know there are other people here with real problems that need help and I just keep posting the same blah blah blah.

SHAMAN

It's not about finding the 'right' person... it's about being the 'right' person.

The quality and depth of self-intimacy I possess will determine the quality and depth of intimacy I am capable of sharing in relationship. For me, it's not the quantity of love I bring to a relationship, but rather, the quality of love I am capable of having for myself, which I share with another.

The beauty part of this thinking, again, for me, is the choice I'm afforded. When I'm 'in the zone' self-intimately, I am resolved enough to have choices with who I opt to share intimately with. I can see through what is pathology, what is 'feel good', and what is genuine... both in myself and a partner.

'Feel good' goes away so we are left with pathology and love can not be determined until pathology has been exposed. Today, I can see clearly how it has been MY choices that have led to failed relationships.

And well, sometimes, I just got fooled, lied to, and misled... but stuck around anyway. Once again, all about my choices.

Just my two cents.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

lost84

GREAT post babe. I cant ever imagine being treated well nor being in a healthy relationship. I am a magnet for the guys with issues. Their charm gets me in the beginning then that drastically changes in little time. Im happy you have found happiness and a healthy relationship. Yet can relate to all of our issues

Callie

[QUOTE=Callie;2306855]Alaia, I personally do not believe that just because a person is an addict or alcoholic, or even because they cheat on you, that it is proof that they do not love you or that they do not care about you. No, cheating on you, using you, taking advantage of you, all the crappy things they "do to us" are not loving or caring behaviors. But loving you and caring about you are FEELINGS. I have only this past year learned to know there is a difference between what they DO and how they FEEL. I am certain that this man loved you and cared about you, just as I am certain that all my ex'es including the addicts, loved and cared about me. MY DAD loves and cares about me beyond any doubt and he has always been alcoholic and he did some crappy things and neglected a lot of the things that we needed as kids. And the last addict in my life who you and I have been talking about loves me and cares about me, I have no doubt. But he is not able to change his behavior to match his feelings.

For ME what drew him above and beyond the other successful boys/boyfriends FOR ME was the fact that he was unattainable prior to ME. I got him - I 'saved him'. "I was the one that "got to his heart." The one who escalated all others. Sick isn't it. I see it now.

Learn2Live

Outtolunch:

How true. I've noticed the addict knows you much better than you know him or her. They do this with everyone in their lives. They know your opinions, attitudes, dreams, wants, preferences, desires, etc., and they cater to them, but only to a point. Of course you fall in love with the other person because they are so attentive and appear to be your perfect match or what others may call their "soulmate." I don't believe they do it on purpose. I believe that is how they have learned to operate and that's it's unconscious behavior. They can't see it. And when you point it out to them, even though any other rational person would see it, they can't. It's very difficult to let this kind of person go from your life.


I think this is why it is so important to have a good social support network and to make sure you are taking care of yourself, have interests outside ANY relationship. Because you're right, there is no one person who can fulfill all your social (including relationship) needs. We need to have friends and family and co-workers to share our lives with. Pets are good too!