New Relationship with a former addict...

Old 07-23-2009, 02:06 AM
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New Relationship with a former addict...

I've just begun dating a former heroine addict. He has been sober for a year and now works in a halfway house helping other addicts recover. I'm just curious about what I should be doing to support his sobriety. Should I go to Al-Anon? What do I do?
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Old 07-23-2009, 04:20 AM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, LoStrass.

Addicts in recovery learn to take their sobriety and life one day at a time because by focusing on today, they can let go of the regret of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. I've learned that this is a pretty good way to live life anyway, regardless of our circumstance.

One year is very good, but also still somewhat new to recovery. That he is working in a halfway house may be a good way for him to surround himself with others who are clean and help him work his program. I hope so.

My thoughts are to take this slow, keep your heart and mind open and, knowing the risks, take this relationship one day at a time too. Your gut will tell you if there are red flags, and most of us here have learned to trust our gut...but that doesn't mean we have to live in fear of their choices, but more that we have boundaries on what is acceptable in our lives and what is not.

Al-Anon meetings may be very helpful to you. The 12 Step program is a wonderful way to learn to live our lives better and make healthy choices, regardless of what brought us there. Why not give them a try and see if they don't help you too. I say "them" because it may take several meetings, even different meetings because they vary, before you decide if this is a good program for you. Meetings saved my life, literally, so I am a big advocate of at least giving them a try and making a commitment to stick around long enough to see if you connect.

Make yourself comfortable here, take a read around and you will see that addiction is a disease that affects all who love an addict. Knowing our experience may help you better to set boundaries for yourself and keep yourself in a safe and healthy place in this relationship, regardless of how it goes.

Again, I am glad you joined us and hope we can offer some experience, strength and hope for you.

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Old 07-23-2009, 04:26 AM
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What do you do? You do nothing, you are not in charge of his sobriety and he will get the support he needs from meetings and working at the half way house..

If you feel you should go to alanon I think that would be a great idea.. there you will get a lot of support for yourself and learn how to set boundaries and not to be an enabler..

Your BF is only a year clean.. thats not a whole lot of time.. and even though it seems like he is doing well I would proceed with caution. I'm not trying to be cynical, I can just tell you from experiance that the tables can turn pretty quick.
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Old 07-23-2009, 07:05 AM
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excellent wisdom in both of the posts that are above me. I concur - his recovery is his recovery. Really, the only thing that you can do to support someone's recovery is to take care of yourself. It was only through my own recovery program that I began to understand what that is. The best thing that I ever did for myself was to get involved with Alanon and Naranon. Those meetings are a great way to learn about taking care of yourself. A year sounds like a long time but it really isn't. When I became involved with my husband I wasn't aware of how insidious addiction is and that it is truly a life long deal. Staying out of his business/recovery and focusing on myself has been the route that I've taken to maintain at least some sense of sanity.

Although my husband now has 4 years of sobriety I am still very aware that there are many people that have long term sobriety that go back out. For me, living with a recovering addict has meant learning how to continue to be completely self sustaining in the event of relapse.

Taking it slow is great advice but I know that sometimes my heart moves a whole lot faster than my head. Really getting to know someone, not moving in together, and maintaining my own life would have made a whole lot of difference for me. However, my heart told me otherwise and I've had to do this from the inside out - definitely the harder way.

There is no "cure" for addiction. I used to believe that you quit using then it was all pretty much done and fairly easy to do all the rest and stay clean. Stopping the substance is just the beginning of the very beginning. What I read in the Big Book of AA is that the drinking (AKA substance) is but a symptom of the true disease....it's a disease of the spirit and that is sooooooo true. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease. It's easy to get swept up in it without knowing it (even if you are not the one with the substance abuse problem).

Lots of people live with sober and recovering addicts.....I know that I do. I also know that having my own daily practice is imperative for me. Early on a relapse prevention counselor told "us" that the only way that our relationship would survive is if we both worked a strong recovery program. Well - I have but he hasn't. Staying out of someone's recovery also means that I can't control that. It has made my relationship very difficult but we are still together (for now).

The take away message is that for me, taking care of myself and staying "awake" is a daily activity. Take it one day at a time and let it unfold..........
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Old 07-23-2009, 09:06 AM
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welcome to SR,

as it has been mentioned, there is no cure for addiction so there are no former addicts and each addict working a program knows its a daily reprieve

I would say yeah go to alanon read all that you can and learn WHAT you souldnt do.........just in case
then you will be one step ahead.

most of us learned and are learning while dealing with active addiction...........you have a headstart.
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