inahaze

13 years of my roller coaster and I'm throwing in the towell, this last fiasco has just been to much.

I can't say that I don't love this man because it would be a lie. He's given me two beautiful children that I can't imagine not having, my daughter is the eternal optimist and my son is peter pan, I don't think that there could be a better combination. My husband in his twisted ways has shown me how deceitful people can be, I'm not nearly as likely to take someone at their word these days. I love the quote "Say what you mean and mean what you say", I've really come to understand this. He's pretty much always had a job and always paid the majority of the bills. The kids love him dearly, my son especially. My daughter loves him but is wary of him for obvious reasons. Myself, I never knew true love until I had my children. So in his own way he has allowed me to see real, undying love. We've had out great days together, there has to be some good times in there during 13 years.

The truth of the matter though is I just choose to not deal with him, with his drinking and his moods. I can deal with normal people mood swings, but not the swings involved with that of someone who drinks for comfort. Those are insane.

Now I need to decide how to tell him. Do I move it all when he's gone and leave a not? Or would it be better doing a face to face heartbreak? I don't want his help getting my things out of here, that would be much to akward and far to emotional. I'm afraid that he'd insist that only he can help me and anyone else being there would **** him off(he told me that once).

I hate the thought of hurting him like this despite the way that I and my children have been treated. Sounds silly saying that because I know he'll recover fairly quickly from this, he always has before. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a girlfriend within a month or two.

The actual confrontation has me terrified. I'm very bad at this with him, I always get flustered and can't think of anything to say. I just don't know how to go about it.

Any advice?

Still Waters

You do what is going to be best for you.

I left while my AH was gone, and didn't leave a note (I did mean too). I simply could not deal with him being there while I was packing, and besides, in my case he would have insisted I walk since in his mind everything we have is his.

My nerves couldn't take a minute more, and definitely not dealing with him at all. I did what was best for me.

sandrawg

I would ask, what action would you feel content with yourself after doing it...

For me, if I didn't do it face to face, it would be hard for me to feel like my side of the street was clean. If I left without warning or even a note, that would be hard for me.

But that's for you to decide.

A recovering A in one of the SR chat rooms gave me this. It comes from al-anon.

* To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else. * To "let go'' is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another. * To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

* To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. * To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself. * To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

* To "let go'' is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality. * To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept. * To "let go'' is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

* To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive. * To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. * To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

* To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. * To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. * To "let go'' is to not regret the past

* To "let go'' is to fear less and love myself more.

bookwyrm

If you can't handle confrontation well, then just don't do it! Don't let the fear of telling him hold you back. Get everything sorted, all your ducks in a row first. Then, when its time, do what you feel is best for you and the kids. If that's a note, then leave a note. What would you get from a face to face confrontation other than having to endure the quacking and attempts at manipulation? I've realised that engaging with my STBXAH just causes me more misery while giving him an excuse to verbally attack me for the things I've supposedly done to him. I just don't need the added pain of it - I'm learning to take care of me first!

Good luck!

Seren

Perhaps move your belongings while he is gone so that no big confrontation happens, but talk to him after the fact if you feel he deserves a face-to-face conversation. You could ask him to meet you in some public place after you have moved out, maybe?

Hugs and prayers as you move forward to your peaceful future! HG

naive

inahaze-

just a warning, leaving is a dangerous time. mine became violent when i left. i'm sitting here with a fractured shoulder as i write to you.

if possible, do what you can to organize your move prior to telling him. why live in an uncomfortable, volatile home when you don't need to? keep your cards close to your chest, do your planning and be careful who you tell, as most people cannot keep a secret.

and try to avoid getting angry, as it might be possible when he pushes your buttons, that you will blurt out your plans in anger.

when you do tell him, perhaps after you have your new place established, consider having a third party present or like hydrogirl says, do it in a public place.

juju

I always get tongue tied at confrontation. I see red, and everything is out the door!

Once your decision is made, perhaps write yourself a "script" to follow. IMHO, I think if he can't respect you enough to listen without interruption, then he doesn't deserve to hear your explanation.

I wish you peace.

juju

justtired

I'm glad you posted this. I've been struggling with this same thing myself. I want to move on, but having the conversation is holding me up. I know all of the things he will say to keep me around and I don't know if I can be strong enough to end a relationship that I don't truly want to end when someone is trying everything to get me to stay. I was told by a friend of mine that he deserves more than a note after 9 years. I was feeling completely guilty at even thinking about doing this. But then I was doing some reading on leaving people who are manipulative, and I've seen several places actually suggest leaving a note so that they can't do anything to suck you back in. I think I'll probably go this route even though others might think I'm heartless doing it. I've had conversations with my abf where I think to myself over and over just do it... just say it... but I can't because he says things I want to hear and I lose my strength.

Still Waters

Remember this: What others think of me is none of my business.

They haven't walked in your shoes, and even if they have we all deal with things differently. Do what is best for you and to Hades with what others think.

inahaze

I don't think he'll become violent towards me, but I do think there would be crying involved, he'd probably do something along the lines of asking can we work on it? That type of thing. I'm just not good at this stuff and definately not good at ending a 13 year roller coaster.

blessed4x

You aren't hurting him like this....his actions/his consequences. I have had to tell myself this about, ummm, a few thousand times. Mine did have a girlfriend before the divorce was final.

For me, I had to get all my legal ducks in a row. I filed before I told him because I knew I wasn't strong enough to withhold his manipulation and I would be talked out of it. I agree with all of the others, do what you have to do for you. If leaving without telling him will allow you to follow through, then I say do it. You sound very strong and focused. ((((hugs))) I know how hard it is, and I am thankful to be on this side of it. I can tell you that I have grown emensely even through the pain of seperating, and that my kids are doing just fine.....even better!

swert

I would be worried more how to tell the kids.

isurvived

To add a bit of humor, (and perhaps some relief from a very serious situation) — Paul Simon wrote a song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover".

YouTube - 4 Paul Simon BBC TV (50 Ways To Leave Your Lover)