It's been a while!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
It's been a while!
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, but I just wanted to share where I‘ve “been“.
It’s been a long road. My ah was at a point where he was drinking every day. Straight vodka with beer chasers. For years I put up with the change in personality that always follows drinking with him, I put up with him finding joy in only alcohol, I put up with his mercurial moods, I put up with him only wanting to be with other drunks (who all seemed to end up at our house, male or female), I put up with the lies, the quacking, I put up with his nastiness.
I liken him to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Sober (as in not drunk, as opposed to in recovery), he is a wonderful man. Drinking, not so much. Every day, there was drama of one type or another. I spent all my time covering his behavior to family, friends, the kids, or trying to figure out exactly how I should behave as to not set him off (ha!!!)
Then, one day, I’d had enough. I made the decision to do something, to stop living my life this way, and never have I been so afraid in my life. I was looking at an uncertain future. A future without him and on my own. I started here and at some AlAnon meetings. I devoured books on the subject. And, somewhere along the line, I discovered that ALL futures are uncertain, because they haven’t happened yet!! But it is only my own actions that can determine the course of my future. My choices and my decisions will determine where my life leads. I have the power to take my life where I want it to go.
I found self-esteem, I found peace and serenity. I found my boundaries and my limitations. And with my new-found self-esteem (which I NEVER thought I’d have - I was lower than low), I found the strength to enforce those boundaries. And I’m happy. I stand up for myself. I absolutely DO NOT alter anything about myself to accommodate another. I allow others to take the consequences for their actions. I allow myself to not attach to those consequences or concern myself with what‘s not my concern. I’ve learned that all choices, good or bad, have consequences. I’ve learned to accept the things I cannot change.
We are still married. We are still together. He still drinks occasionally. I’m not fool enough to think that things couldn’t go bad again, or that he’s “cured”, but I’m prepared. And I’m happy. He is back to being the wonderful man I married. He refrains from drinking excessively around me or the kids (my biggest boundary), and he knows the consequences if he does. I don’t hold it over him. I don’t remind him. I don’t give him “the look”. I take action when action is needed, and that’s it. Nothing dramatic. I have given him back the power over his own life. He knows he is free to make his own choices. And he knows I’m free to make mine. He knows I do not need him for survival, but he knows I love him. I live my life and make choices that make me happy, and thankfully, he chooses to join me.
It’s interesting that after all these years of fighting, begging, pleading, and threatening to no avail, all I had to do was let go. Let go of my need to control him, let go of my need to “mommy” him, let go of my need to protect him from himself. I needed to set my boundaries and enforce them. But I think I had to go through those years to gain the strength and the ability to let go. I have my “plan B”, and am ready to use it if necessary. I just pray that I never will.
Thanks for letting me share. It’s really been a while, and it feels nice to reflect. So many here helped me in my darkest hour, and I truly appreciate that. It really made a difference coming here, knowing I wasn't alone, that I wasn't crazy, and that I deserved happiness and peace.
Peace all!
juju
It’s been a long road. My ah was at a point where he was drinking every day. Straight vodka with beer chasers. For years I put up with the change in personality that always follows drinking with him, I put up with him finding joy in only alcohol, I put up with his mercurial moods, I put up with him only wanting to be with other drunks (who all seemed to end up at our house, male or female), I put up with the lies, the quacking, I put up with his nastiness.
I liken him to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Sober (as in not drunk, as opposed to in recovery), he is a wonderful man. Drinking, not so much. Every day, there was drama of one type or another. I spent all my time covering his behavior to family, friends, the kids, or trying to figure out exactly how I should behave as to not set him off (ha!!!)
Then, one day, I’d had enough. I made the decision to do something, to stop living my life this way, and never have I been so afraid in my life. I was looking at an uncertain future. A future without him and on my own. I started here and at some AlAnon meetings. I devoured books on the subject. And, somewhere along the line, I discovered that ALL futures are uncertain, because they haven’t happened yet!! But it is only my own actions that can determine the course of my future. My choices and my decisions will determine where my life leads. I have the power to take my life where I want it to go.
I found self-esteem, I found peace and serenity. I found my boundaries and my limitations. And with my new-found self-esteem (which I NEVER thought I’d have - I was lower than low), I found the strength to enforce those boundaries. And I’m happy. I stand up for myself. I absolutely DO NOT alter anything about myself to accommodate another. I allow others to take the consequences for their actions. I allow myself to not attach to those consequences or concern myself with what‘s not my concern. I’ve learned that all choices, good or bad, have consequences. I’ve learned to accept the things I cannot change.
We are still married. We are still together. He still drinks occasionally. I’m not fool enough to think that things couldn’t go bad again, or that he’s “cured”, but I’m prepared. And I’m happy. He is back to being the wonderful man I married. He refrains from drinking excessively around me or the kids (my biggest boundary), and he knows the consequences if he does. I don’t hold it over him. I don’t remind him. I don’t give him “the look”. I take action when action is needed, and that’s it. Nothing dramatic. I have given him back the power over his own life. He knows he is free to make his own choices. And he knows I’m free to make mine. He knows I do not need him for survival, but he knows I love him. I live my life and make choices that make me happy, and thankfully, he chooses to join me.
It’s interesting that after all these years of fighting, begging, pleading, and threatening to no avail, all I had to do was let go. Let go of my need to control him, let go of my need to “mommy” him, let go of my need to protect him from himself. I needed to set my boundaries and enforce them. But I think I had to go through those years to gain the strength and the ability to let go. I have my “plan B”, and am ready to use it if necessary. I just pray that I never will.
Thanks for letting me share. It’s really been a while, and it feels nice to reflect. So many here helped me in my darkest hour, and I truly appreciate that. It really made a difference coming here, knowing I wasn't alone, that I wasn't crazy, and that I deserved happiness and peace.
Peace all!
juju
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: kunkletown
Posts: 4
Sounds familiar
I just read your post and I feel the last two weeks like my life is in chaos.. the vodka beer chasing and the Dr. Jekyll switch from a loving nurturing man.. Did he just realize that you were worth it or was he so scared of being without you.. I am going through my first relapse with an alcoholic who was sober since I met him.. and I dont know what to do.. he has never lied to me until under the influence.. how do I get him back.. I was told he has to be the one to change and that I cannot change him.. but he says he cant live without me.. so I dont want to give up.. I love this man.. but I am sick inside now and it gets worse everyday...he has not had a drink since Sat..but now he is going through withdrawals and is dealing with them alone instead of seeking medical detox which he has been through before.. he is hiding it from me.. any suggestions for me..
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by juju 
It’s interesting that after all these years of fighting, begging, pleading, and threatening to no avail, all I had to do was let go. Let go of my need to control him, let go of my need to “mommy” him, let go of my need to protect him from himself. I needed to set my boundaries and enforce them.
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi bettyjh!
Welcome to SR--
he is hiding it from me.. any suggestions for me..
If you like what juju has going on then take an idea or 2 right from her post:
from juju: I started here and at some AlAnon meetings. I devoured books on the subject.
Take a look at the "Classic Reading" stickie on the top of the first page of this forum....know that you are not alone and you can get off the roller coaster anytime you choose!
peace,
b
Welcome to SR--
he is hiding it from me.. any suggestions for me..
If you like what juju has going on then take an idea or 2 right from her post:
from juju: I started here and at some AlAnon meetings. I devoured books on the subject.
Take a look at the "Classic Reading" stickie on the top of the first page of this forum....know that you are not alone and you can get off the roller coaster anytime you choose!
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
Betty,
I think I just had had enough. I decided I would not continue to live my life this way. You’re right, you cannot change him, but you CAN change yourself. That might be a hard pill to swallow, since he’s the a, but it’s true. Once I learned to let go, accepted that I can’t change him, my whole perspective changed. Once I started believing in myself, and my right to peace and happiness, I was able to find a path to that. I made very clear to him the drunkenness was unacceptable, and that I would not live like that anymore. I asked for a divorce.
What turned his lightbulb on? I really don’t know. Maybe it was when I quit harping on him about his drinking. Or when I stopped trying to see through his lies. I took on a “whatever” attitude. I wasn’t trying to get him back. I was trying to get ME back. I stopped trying to get him to quit. But I made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that I WOULD NOT live this way anymore. I enforced my consequences.
The last thing I wanted was to leave him. He is my husband, father of my children, sole provider for our family. But I realized what it was doing to me. I did not like the person I was becoming. Bitter, isolated, angry. My ah said the same things, can’t live without me, loves me, needs my help, etc.. Quack quack quack. I just made it clear that if he wants to continue in this marriage with me, to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak.
I don’t think there’s a magical solution. I think it’s individual to every single one of us. I dealt with years of BS up until this point. You need to search yourself for what you’re willing to do and how you’re willing to live and stick to it as if your life depends on it, because it does.
Cut yourself some slack, and focus on you for a bit. Let him take care of himself. The “poor me, I can’t do this alone” is quacking to me. My attitude is, you got yourself here, you are the only one who can get yourself out.
Boy, I sure am long-winded!!!
Sandrawg, I haven’t read that book! (Probably the only one I haven’t!!) My favorites were AlAnon lit; “Discovering Choices” “How AlAnon works for F&FOA“ “ODAT in AlAnon“ and the 12 steps in AlAnon. I also work with emotionally impaired children, and it’s ironic, because a lot of the principals we use with them, work very well with ah! Limits, boundaries, consequences, and my favorite NATURAL CONSEQUENCES!! That’s when you let it ride, and they learn it all on their own (if you don’t do your homework, you miss recess; if you drink too much, she’s not going to care and you’ll feel like crap).
It feels really good to be off the rollercoaster. There have been times when the ride was going to start again, but I let it leave without me!
I think I just had had enough. I decided I would not continue to live my life this way. You’re right, you cannot change him, but you CAN change yourself. That might be a hard pill to swallow, since he’s the a, but it’s true. Once I learned to let go, accepted that I can’t change him, my whole perspective changed. Once I started believing in myself, and my right to peace and happiness, I was able to find a path to that. I made very clear to him the drunkenness was unacceptable, and that I would not live like that anymore. I asked for a divorce.
What turned his lightbulb on? I really don’t know. Maybe it was when I quit harping on him about his drinking. Or when I stopped trying to see through his lies. I took on a “whatever” attitude. I wasn’t trying to get him back. I was trying to get ME back. I stopped trying to get him to quit. But I made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that I WOULD NOT live this way anymore. I enforced my consequences.
The last thing I wanted was to leave him. He is my husband, father of my children, sole provider for our family. But I realized what it was doing to me. I did not like the person I was becoming. Bitter, isolated, angry. My ah said the same things, can’t live without me, loves me, needs my help, etc.. Quack quack quack. I just made it clear that if he wants to continue in this marriage with me, to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak.
I don’t think there’s a magical solution. I think it’s individual to every single one of us. I dealt with years of BS up until this point. You need to search yourself for what you’re willing to do and how you’re willing to live and stick to it as if your life depends on it, because it does.
Cut yourself some slack, and focus on you for a bit. Let him take care of himself. The “poor me, I can’t do this alone” is quacking to me. My attitude is, you got yourself here, you are the only one who can get yourself out.
Boy, I sure am long-winded!!!
Sandrawg, I haven’t read that book! (Probably the only one I haven’t!!) My favorites were AlAnon lit; “Discovering Choices” “How AlAnon works for F&FOA“ “ODAT in AlAnon“ and the 12 steps in AlAnon. I also work with emotionally impaired children, and it’s ironic, because a lot of the principals we use with them, work very well with ah! Limits, boundaries, consequences, and my favorite NATURAL CONSEQUENCES!! That’s when you let it ride, and they learn it all on their own (if you don’t do your homework, you miss recess; if you drink too much, she’s not going to care and you’ll feel like crap).
It feels really good to be off the rollercoaster. There have been times when the ride was going to start again, but I let it leave without me!
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