Tout

I'm totally new to this, but nobody else I know can relate. It's kind of a long story but if anyone could offer some advice, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm 20 years old, growing up my mom was my best friend. When I was 9 years old her and my dad separated and since then she's been in and out of jail and rehab more times than I can count. I've tried everything I can think of. Visiting her on the weekends, going to AA meeting with her, keeping in touch through letters, ignoring her all together and cutting her off. Nothing seems to work and she just gets in deeper and deeper. Since last July I've talked to her once, the day before my birthday in February, she got arrested the next day and has been in since then. I love her and when she's in jail and we're writing we get along fine. But as soon as she's out she draws me into all of her issues and I can't keep doing that anymore. I'm wondering if it's time to just cut her off until she can clean up or if I should try to maintain some kind of relationship, even if its just a letter here and there.

Any suggestions would really help. More than anything I want to know her. But I don't want to keep setting myself up for disappointment.

dothi

Hey Tout! Welcome to our little corner here on SR

First of all, your boundary-setting with your mom is very impressive! Learning to draw lines at unacceptable behaviors with parents is a hard step for many, many people. It takes a lot of perspective to recognize exactly what you describe - that once she draws you into her issues, it's too much for you. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to first make the decision to limit her to letters.

Quote:

More than anything I want to know her. But I don't want to keep setting myself up for disappointment.

Think hard about what you are wishing for here. Do you want to know her? Or know that she is capable of cleaning up her act? To know that she's sorry for the grief she's caused you? To know that she loves you more than the drama her issues create? This a complicated question for many people - including myself. (I can't speak to my alcoholic father at all anymore because the hurt cause by his behaviors is so great, and I know deep-down I am still waiting for him to "wake up" and acknowledge how much he's hurt me. Until I can remove that expectation, no-contact is what's best for me.)

For many of us who have parents with addiction problems, we've had to accept that our parents often simply are not capable of giving us the love/respect/attention that we rightfully deserve. For many of us, our parents can not even see or understand how they've wronged us - let alone ever acknowledge or apologize for their behavior. Many of us here have been repeatedly hurt and disappointed by the failure of an addicted parent, yet again, wondering why you're even upset to begin with.

Have you considered lowering your expectations with your mom? You may never have the ideal relationship with your mom that you've been hoping for, so how about something in between? Something with a few boundaries? Something where you can feel honored in maintaining your relationship with your mom, but not without sucking you back in to the drama?

In the meantime, do read the stickies at the top of the forum. Not everything will apply, so take what you like and leave the rest.

Also, please post any follow-up thoughts. Many people here appreciate reading how other people work towards solutions.

Prozac

I would consider writing a letter stating similar to what you've posted and lettering her know that you are stepping off the rollarcoaster. If she deciceds to stay clean and wants to be part of your life, you will be there for her.

Learn2Live

Follow your heart. Go to Al-Anon. When interacting with your mom becomes too unbearable, you will know your answer.

tromboneliness

I would write the letter -- but not actually send it. Write it, read it over, sleep on it, and then crumple it up and throw it in the trash. An active alkie is not going to get it. They never get it. Until they make up their minds to get healthy, nothing works with them.

So I'd suggest this:

1. Write the letter. Then dispose of it instead of sending.

2. Simply get off the roller coaster. There is no need to announce, "Your attention please: I am now getting off your roller coaster. Henceforth, you are out of my life." That isn't necessary -- or helpful. Instead, just get off. Stop enabling, rescuing, cleaning barf off the floor, and trying (in vain) to fix them.

When they start saying, "You were supposed to clean up the barf. You were supposed to stop me from driving when I was drunk. You were supposed to bail me out of jail," just nod your head and say, "Mm-hmmm." Or don't answer the phone at all....

T

discontentmiser

well,
if you're able to keep contact without getting on the roller coaster
or trying to save her... writing a letter won't do any harm

you seem to be able to take a step back and look at the situation, which is great.

In order for your mom to stop doing what she's doing, she has to want to.
She has to reach her bottom before she goes for help.

also, don't send the letter right after writing it,
I know since I have send emotional emails many times,

write it, wait a bit, look over it again, then make your decision

egwich

I'm 21 and have also had problems like this with my father. He's addicted to all types of medications and drinks alot. The drugs have turned him into a complete lunatic who sends fake letters to his family members pretending to be doctors who don't exist. He has made up giant elaborate lies about working for the FBI or Disney, and other crazy stuff. It's been almost 4 years since I have cut off communication with him. So I understand your feeling that you need to send a letter. During these 4 years communication has opened and closed about a dozen times. Each time ending pretty much the same with more dissapointment. My father knows the line is drawn, sober up and your family will be back in your life. He has tried to pretened hes went to rehab many times, but it was all lies and he was as bad as ever.

My advice to you is write the letter telling her you love her to much to be apart of her life and watch her do this to herself. She probably won't understand, but at least in your heart you know you did the right thing by telling her. Alot of people think "well they aren't going to give a damn, their an addict so why should I even bother?"--That's all well in good but I feel if you don't do the right thing, by at least stating your position and then walking away...addict or not you didn't really give them anything to choose from. In all honesty your mother probably will never get better, and neither will my father. That will be something that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. But, theres always that chance. You can never underestimate how something will effect an addict. With addicts I've learned, they may never get it but they are also one word, memory, or scenerio away from sobriety. Thats how crazy things get with them.