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frightened

Old 07-21-2009, 08:17 AM
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frightened

i feel like a fool for coming back here - i joined SR, new in sobriety, told my tale to you guys, got all the positive feedback i needed, then left..i do admit coming back here for knowledge and experience though, this is a great forum.

i'm stuck, yeah i think that's it, please bare with me if you do read this, my head is in 11624 places right now.

im confused and SCARED and i can admit that, i seriously say it every single day how scared i am.

my whole attitude in sobriety has changed, completely. i came into this, proud of myself (no rehab, just myself saying its time), happy about meeting friends, going to meetings was good, got a sponsor, open ears to learning, just so WILLING (my sponsor would constantly tell me how 'easy' i was as in an easy sponsee).

I'm 43 days sober and that's gone. I mean i did learn a lot so far because that's how i do know what i'm doing now is not right. I find myself of course, happy i'm sober, but Rachel (me) on the inside is far from happy. I'm restless and irritable.

I feel like i started diving off the edge right after my 30 days, i felt great how things were going, met nice girls, i was okay with not using, and if i wasn't i'd always reach out. now i'm just sitting here fighting myself. i almost feeling i was putting on a front? cus i was always good @ that, making ppl think im doing the right thing when im really not taking it seriously.

also, a few days later, my bf hit his 30 days as well, we get in a fight, he then tells me he was just doing this program for me - not him (which i kind of knew) but hearing it sucked, he wants to continue being sober, just isn't ready for AA. Now a few weeks ago, that Rachel was okay with this because my bf wasn't going to meetings with but he wasn't drinking, then him going to meetings was amazing to me - like YES i'm not alone..which wasn't the right thinking either now looking back..

quick background on me and bf of 3 1/2 yrs : we used since day 1 of our relationship, really bad with cocaine, then we quit and started drinking HEAVILY, it was ruining us and we always wanted coke by the end of the drinking..were both very sick, i think im worse then him but who knows, but regardless im extremely dependent on him.

ANYWHO - so here i am, i haven't been to a meeting since last wed...uhm i told my sponsor i'm looking for a new sponsor (which is partially true, because i wasn't really into how she was doing things, our schedule clashed, we never were alone when we met up, etc), so now i don't talk to her really, Ive distanced myself from anyone really in AA that i was in contact with by not going to meetings or anything. I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG with me. I mean digging inside myself, i feel like maybe i'm not fully accepting that this is my life, i'm sick and i need to do these things to get better. I honestly am going insane sitting @ home and just hating everything, for no reason - my life isn't bad at all, esp. now that i don't drink/drug.

i really did enjoy reaching out to these friends and other woman that could help me, i ALWAYS felt better doing the right thing for me, going to meetings, talking to ppl, but now because Ive pushed myself away again im more scared then ever to jump back in..i haven't spoke to anyone in AA about whats going on with me..i almost feel ashamed, even though i haven't relapsed or anything, just ashamed in how willing i was and now im so negative?

i just dont want to hate life again so bad that i do really jump out and drink/drug again. i'm scared to reach out in person to someone just yet so i figured some online sharing would be helpful, i'd appreciate if anyone was ever in this boat and could let me know some words of advice, or anything - i'm scared.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:28 AM
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I have no words of wisdom for you, only a big (((hug))) and keep reaching out. You are not alone.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:35 AM
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thank you, i'm such a huggy person i honestly could really use one lol
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by rachelbrittany View Post
i'd appreciate if anyone was ever in this boat and could let me know some words of advice, or anything - i'm scared.
Scared is OK. Being honest about it is great. I think that not only have I been in that boat, but that almost every alcoholic early in sobriety has been in that boat.

The boat is, I've got some time away from my solution to life (alcohol), but I don't have any other solution to life. The thrill is gone, so to speak, and life starts feeling real heavy again.

This is a boat that almost everyone here has been in. Look around this place. Notice what people are doing to stay sober. Evaluate who is staying sober. Take note of everyone else who is sober for a few months and goes back out drinking for the same feelings you express.

The one thing you didn't mention in talking about meetings and a sponsor is taking any steps. The question, as it always is, is what step are you on? It's in those steps that I found a solution to life without alcohol. It wasn't in meetings, or socializing, or a job, or some stuff, but in those steps that I found freedom from myself so that I could fully participate in life.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
Scared is OK. Being honest about it is great. I think that not only have I been in that boat, but that almost every alcoholic early in sobriety has been in that boat.

The boat is, I've got some time away from my solution to life (alcohol), but I don't have any other solution to life. The thrill is gone, so to speak, and life starts feeling real heavy again.

This is a boat that almost everyone here has been in. Look around this place. Notice what people are doing to stay sober. Evaluate who is staying sober. Take note of everyone else who is sober for a few months and goes back out drinking for the same feelings you express.

The one thing you didn't mention in talking about meetings and a sponsor is taking any steps. The question, as it always is, is what step are you on? It's in those steps that I found a solution to life without alcohol. It wasn't in meetings, or socializing, or a job, or some stuff, but in those steps that I found freedom from myself so that I could fully participate in life.
I do see what other ppl do to stay sober, but why can't i do it now? I was doing it, and it honestly made sobriety that much easier. I'm just not sure why i fell off my streak of wanting to do this..is the only solution to just suck it up and get back out there? Maybe that will refresh my brain again that this is what i need, the longer i stay away the worse i'm getting and it's only been 6 days!

With steps, i completed the 1st step with my sponsor, that's all so far but now i'm looking for a new sponsor. In accepting that my life is unmanageable and that im powerless over these substances/alcohol, that has helped me thus far and is helping me not drink even though i'm not going to meetings. I know where this has taken me.

i feel like im going in circles , sorry :l
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:45 AM
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You might be a fool for not coming back. As for fear we all face it,or rather don't face it--we medicate and mask it. Clean and sober its raw and painful like any wound but its slowly healing. Keep facing it don't fight it, it does get better or non of us would be clean and sober. Find a path that works for you and work it. All my best.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:50 AM
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You only get in trouble for your ACTIONS not your THOUGHTS , you havent relaspe is the most important thing. I am 105 days clean and my DOC was crack , the dreams and mindgames that I have gone through there have been points where my mind wasnt right but the greatest thing I did was not use, Each day I get better and stronger. THIS IS A JOURNEY not a sprint.

STAY THE COURSE

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Old 07-21-2009, 08:52 AM
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thanks everyone
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:57 AM
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Hi there, I remember chatting with you on another thread the last time you came to SR. I'm so glad to see you again. It seems to me that you know what it is you need to do - I understand what it's like to become involved in AA and then to back off. It seems the longer that you are away, the harder it is to go back, yes?

Go back anyway. Get another sponsor, or use the one you had, even temporarily. Be honest with her about how you feel. Take a risk, open up.

Feel free to PM me anytime if I can be of any help.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:58 AM
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My disease put every distraction it could find in front of me.

My disease ESPECIALLY tried to distance me from AA.

I think you are realizing the right things to do, and you are realizing that the disease may be trying to lead you astray.

Onward toward a better way of life!!!

Keep coming back.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:08 AM
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Rachel,

I'm not an alcoholic/addict, I'm normally in the Friends and Family forum, but I wanted to say this:

You ARE on the right track. Why? Because you are asking questions and digging around inside yourself in an attempt to make a better life for yourself.

My AH was sober when I left him, but he never did any digging or asking, you see - he had all the answers. Always did. Still does.

The feeling that washed over me reading your post brought tears to my eyes, the emotions it brought on - the heartbreak of wishing so hard that my AH had had the strength to look and ask like you do. But, he didn't and that's that.

Hang in there Rachel
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Rachel,

I'm not an alcoholic/addict, I'm normally in the Friends and Family forum, but I wanted to say this:

You ARE on the right track. Why? Because you are asking questions and digging around inside yourself in an attempt to make a better life for yourself.

My AH was sober when I left him, but he never did any digging or asking, you see - he had all the answers. Always did. Still does.

The feeling that washed over me reading your post brought tears to my eyes, the emotions it brought on - the heartbreak of wishing so hard that my AH had had the strength to look and ask like you do. But, he didn't and that's that.

Hang in there Rachel
thanks for reaching out on that particular part of my share. i try to block out whats going on with him in the situation but its hard. i wish we could just hold hands and be in AA and live happily every after nice and sober but apparently, its god will, not mine - i can't control everything like i'd like to.

everyone tells me i just need to worry about my sobriety, which yes i know and can comprehend that..but it's like i care about someone so much, how do l just let them not help themselves to the extent they are supposed to be helping themselves. Me, always looking for the easy way out would SO MUCH RATHER have him with me doing this ya know, that's also maybe a big part of my feelings about being 'stuck' right now. hmmm


>>>EASY DOES IT <<<<

right now, i talk to him about how i'm feeling because well, im used to speaking to ppl now due to AA, and now that i'm not reaching out to my AA peeps - i speak to him, he fully supports me working the program and now seeing me struggle and so unhappy -he tells me 'rachel i hate seeing you like this, go to a meeting.'


i dunno, thank you though for reaching out on this part.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:24 AM
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Welcome back...keep coming back.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:25 AM
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I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME........

now your talking my language......

let me tell you a story.

a while back i went to aa....did a quick step one.....stood on my pedestal and told everyone whats wrong with them (only the pretty ones)...thats step twelve right?..

and promptly went on one almighty bender...

the finally i dragged my sorry as@ into AA with the soul intention of doing whatever and i mean whatever it took to get sober.....for good

i despised myself.....and i was done.

so you are not the first drunk to .......dip their toe in the water....feel better and then get drunk.

please.......take it from a gutter drunk.....the whole 12 steps will set you FREE.

heres a plan......grab that new sponsor and grab a big book.

and go from 1 to 12 with as much passion as you drink.

if you can get to a meeting that talks alot about whats in that book...all the better..

i know how you feel.....and that is what i did......i havent felt the need for a drink since.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by trucker View Post
I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME........

now your talking my language......

let me tell you a story.

a while back i went to aa....did a quick step one.....stood on my pedestal and told everyone whats wrong with them (only the pretty ones)...thats step twelve right?..

and promptly went on one almighty bender...

the finally i dragged my sorry as@ into AA with the soul intention of doing whatever and i mean whatever it took to get sober.....for good

i despised myself.....and i was done.

so you are not the first drunk to .......dip their toe in the water....feel better and then get drunk.

please.......take it from a gutter drunk.....the whole 12 steps will set you FREE.

heres a plan......grab that new sponsor and grab a big book.

and go from 1 to 12 with as much passion as you drink.

if you can get to a meeting that talks alot about whats in that book...all the better..

i know how you feel.....and that is what i did......i havent felt the need for a drink since.
wow, this almost just about made me cry - but not exactly a bad cry. i can't thank enough for just saying this to me..this is exactly how i feel, my toes are not comfy in these waters!! of course, but i know they can be, if i really am ready to work it.

i do not want to relapse, i really don't..but then i think, is that what it takes? just distancing myself from the program for this short amount of time and already my insanity is roaring, i am effin scared to death what would happen if i did drink, id be too ashamed to show up @ a bar, cus my friends know what i am doing..and the thought of curling up with a bottle in my apartment, HELL NO!

i am now laughing @ your comments as well - thank you so much for this, really.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:36 AM
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I'm saying a prayer for you to get well and find happiness. I guess all of us are in search of that........
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