Need some opinions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Need some opinions
My H put over $1,000 on our credit card in February for a work-related thing that is supposed to be reimbursed. He will not fill out the paperwork to do so. I have asked him why. He keeps telling me it is in his to-do pile. This is driving me absolutely crazy. Over and over he has said he'll get to it "by the end of the week." This has been many weeks ago.
I don't know what to do. Is this one of those things I'm powerless over? My counselor keeps telling me I need to be more assertive with him, that $1,000 is a big deal.
What do I do or not do? I forget about it myself for a week or so, then, like today, it pops into my head and I get really worried and upset. Why is this making me so nutty? How do I let this go, or should I let it go?
I don't know what to do. Is this one of those things I'm powerless over? My counselor keeps telling me I need to be more assertive with him, that $1,000 is a big deal.
What do I do or not do? I forget about it myself for a week or so, then, like today, it pops into my head and I get really worried and upset. Why is this making me so nutty? How do I let this go, or should I let it go?
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I guess it depends on what you are willing to do. For me stuff like that comes down to options like: Am I done with him now over this? and if not: Is there any way I can make him take care of this? and if not, I let it go as best I can.
I spent YEARS juggling our finances to make ends meet. I finally handed the check book over to my husband, and told him from here on out it was all his to deal with.
Now we are separated and don't share funds, which for me was the best solution yet.
I spent YEARS juggling our finances to make ends meet. I finally handed the check book over to my husband, and told him from here on out it was all his to deal with.
Now we are separated and don't share funds, which for me was the best solution yet.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Marigolds,
I agree with the above poster. You are assuming he is telling the truth. Have you seen his expense receipts for the money he spent? I am not suggesting that you ask for them or search for them. It will only make you feel crazier.
An active alcoholic will do or say anything to keep themselves supplied and rewarded for putting up with life. Sometimes our greatest fear is running out of alcohol. We fear sobriety because we can't imagine a life without alcohol.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I lived with an active alcoholic.
I would suggest for your own serenity, that you drop this and chalk it up as an expensive lesson learned. One of two things may happen: He may not feel the need to control you and keep you at bay any longer and file the necessary papers for reimbursement OR you may never see that money again.
I would also suggest cancelling any joint accounts with an active alcoholic. I also want you to know that my active alcoholic still accessed my credit accounts and ran up huge debts during a time that I had put him in charge of our finances. I was taking care of my mother at the time and had my plate full. I wish it had only been $1,000!!!
I agree with the above poster. You are assuming he is telling the truth. Have you seen his expense receipts for the money he spent? I am not suggesting that you ask for them or search for them. It will only make you feel crazier.
An active alcoholic will do or say anything to keep themselves supplied and rewarded for putting up with life. Sometimes our greatest fear is running out of alcohol. We fear sobriety because we can't imagine a life without alcohol.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I lived with an active alcoholic.
I would suggest for your own serenity, that you drop this and chalk it up as an expensive lesson learned. One of two things may happen: He may not feel the need to control you and keep you at bay any longer and file the necessary papers for reimbursement OR you may never see that money again.
I would also suggest cancelling any joint accounts with an active alcoholic. I also want you to know that my active alcoholic still accessed my credit accounts and ran up huge debts during a time that I had put him in charge of our finances. I was taking care of my mother at the time and had my plate full. I wish it had only been $1,000!!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
My AH didn't file a tax return for many years, then when he tried to get it together to get back the money owed him - he never managed to get the paperwork done before the deadline. And this also would have been in his favor.
Regardless of what you decide to do in this situation, know that it only gets worse as their alcoholism progresses.
Regardless of what you decide to do in this situation, know that it only gets worse as their alcoholism progresses.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Of the many foolish things I did, sharing a bank account with an active alcoholic was perhaps the most damaging. It took me years to rebuild my own credit.
Separating accounts, and having yours, his, and "joint" to pay household bills, will give you more peace of mind as you move forward - no matter what you decide to do, and no matter what choices he makes about his alcoholism.
Separating accounts, and having yours, his, and "joint" to pay household bills, will give you more peace of mind as you move forward - no matter what you decide to do, and no matter what choices he makes about his alcoholism.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Honey,
Hate that you are going thru this difficult time - hope you will find peace within your self soon.
I believe you may have to consider some things - this is just my e, s, & h - things that happened to me with my ex alcoholic/addict. . .
the money wasn't originally spent for work items - it was spent on drugs/alcohol/gambling
he already got the reimbursement and spent it for drugs/alcohol/gambling
he never intented to get reimbursed
This was a constant thing in our financial life for over 16 yrs - even when he did have sobriety/recovery for almost 3 yrs - he was still unable to be honest about money. He was still NOT responsible with his financial issues.
Which became unacceptable for me.
Your counselor may be pushing for you to do something about it - but it may be out of your control - I may would be tempted to ask the counselor
"How do I make another person do anything that they don't want to be honest with me about?"
Just a suggestion
Wishing you the best in getting the matter resolved - I would also think long and hard about how future financial issues could be affected if his disease continues to progress - you deserve financial stability - even if you have to be the one to take the action to protect yourself.
HUGS,
Rita
Hate that you are going thru this difficult time - hope you will find peace within your self soon.
I believe you may have to consider some things - this is just my e, s, & h - things that happened to me with my ex alcoholic/addict. . .
the money wasn't originally spent for work items - it was spent on drugs/alcohol/gambling
he already got the reimbursement and spent it for drugs/alcohol/gambling
he never intented to get reimbursed
This was a constant thing in our financial life for over 16 yrs - even when he did have sobriety/recovery for almost 3 yrs - he was still unable to be honest about money. He was still NOT responsible with his financial issues.
Which became unacceptable for me.
Your counselor may be pushing for you to do something about it - but it may be out of your control - I may would be tempted to ask the counselor
"How do I make another person do anything that they don't want to be honest with me about?"
Just a suggestion
Wishing you the best in getting the matter resolved - I would also think long and hard about how future financial issues could be affected if his disease continues to progress - you deserve financial stability - even if you have to be the one to take the action to protect yourself.
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
marigolds-
sounds exactly like the excuses mine would make up. alcoholics are expensive!
best to separate your finances and block his next move. it only gets worse, i wish i was only out $1000. best to nip this one in the bud.
sounds exactly like the excuses mine would make up. alcoholics are expensive!
best to separate your finances and block his next move. it only gets worse, i wish i was only out $1000. best to nip this one in the bud.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Thanks for all the replies. He's not lying about what the expenses are, they are from a work conference that I attended with him. But I wonder if he's lying about something else, if he lost the receipts or something. I don't think he got it back and spent it already, but I guess that is a possibility. It just seems fishy to me - he gets so angry when I ask him about it.
The counselor thought it's some sort of passive/aggressive thing - that he's angry I just work part time, and my income has been hugely down lately. H has been passive aggressive ever since I met him, before I knew what it even was.
I don't know how much of this is alcoholism vs. ACOA issues. His drinking has been much less - his last big binge was in February.
If this weren't so much money, I'd just let this go. This is so frustrating, I haven't been able to find any peace about it. I am scared it is a symptom of something worse, and I don't know what.
The counselor thought it's some sort of passive/aggressive thing - that he's angry I just work part time, and my income has been hugely down lately. H has been passive aggressive ever since I met him, before I knew what it even was.
I don't know how much of this is alcoholism vs. ACOA issues. His drinking has been much less - his last big binge was in February.
If this weren't so much money, I'd just let this go. This is so frustrating, I haven't been able to find any peace about it. I am scared it is a symptom of something worse, and I don't know what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
At one time in my life, I was in such a bad way. I had recently moved a thousand miles to be with my ABF, and wasn't yet working. I was dependent on his income to "make it," and it caused a huge amount of stress between us that took a long time to unravel. He resented that I wasn't contributing enough, but didn't want to say so. I resented that he seemed so selfish and seemed to manage money badly (even though it wasn't mine). Neither of us could honestly communicate to the other without causing a huge fuss.
The solution for me, eventually, was to bring my income up to speed and separate finances. That removed the entire conversation from our lives, and evened out the power balance (he had been contributing more, and didn't take kindly to having me tell him what to do with what he'd earned, even if I was right
) His, mine, and ours kept the peace, as did brutally honest and open communication about all of the expectations around money....it still does.
The solution for me, eventually, was to bring my income up to speed and separate finances. That removed the entire conversation from our lives, and evened out the power balance (he had been contributing more, and didn't take kindly to having me tell him what to do with what he'd earned, even if I was right
) His, mine, and ours kept the peace, as did brutally honest and open communication about all of the expectations around money....it still does.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Passive agressive personality is something that I can live without now. I find it almost impossible to figure out what is going on with someone like this. I hate living in doubt of how the other person feels or what he/she really thinks. Also, I resent putting myself out there and being vulnerable only to not have that exchange reciprocated because someone is being passive agressive. Sorry, that is a sticky subject with me and something I distance myself from after trying to talk it out.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Passive agressive personality is something that I can live without now. I find it almost impossible to figure out what is going on with someone like this. I hate living in doubt of how the other person feels or what he/she really thinks. Also, I resent putting myself out there and being vulnerable only to not have that exchange reciprocated because someone is being passive agressive. Sorry, that is a sticky subject with me and something I distance myself from after trying to talk it out.
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