whyamistaying

I've been reading about the Merry Go Road and the role I play. How I need to let the A reach his bottom and not bail him out.

I see where I went wrong and I'm trying to correct it. Here is what I have done. AH has 2 DUIs. I told him he must do community service as there is no money to pay fines. When he drinks, I leave.

The problem and I need help with this. AH lost his license for a year (9 more months). His work is 35 miles away and there are no buses that early. There are buses home, just not TO work.

Here is my thinking. This should be his problem. But it is still my problem because we are married. He had hired a driver (with his lunch money) but that didn't work out. So I have driven AH for 1 week. I am miserable.

It adds another 1.5 hours to my day. I don't want to do it. But I suppose since I am married this still is my problem.

But, if I don't, then who will? He has asked at work and everyone is the other direction of work (20 minutes the other way) and no one wants to pick him up. He has 2 DUIs and if he loses this job he is unemployable in this field.

I told him maybe rent a place down by work and he walk himself to work, but there isn't extra money for that.

I'm trying to figure out how to detach while married and this one is making me stumbed.

Callie

Can you hire a teenager or older person? It IS his problem, but it infringes on you financially if he loses his job or has to quit because of this - especially if you have kids because child support/insurance could play into this. This is a tough situation. If you are divorcing, I would push the direction of him finding somewhere to live that's closer. I'm sorry you're going through this.

LaTeeDa

I wish I could tell you what to do. I couldn't do it. If I have to detach from someone who was supposed to be my partner in life, then really what's the point? Marriage and detachment don't go together in my world. I find detachment a useful tool only when there are no other choices. Usually, there are other options. That's just my experience.

Maybe time to ask that question again? (You know, the one you named yourself)

L

GiveLove

There are so many people out of work these days where I live that some are offering things like shuttle service, airport pickup, running errands, etc. They're anxious for ANY income to help supplement unemployment (or worse). If you were to put a little ad in the paper or craigslist asking for someone, I'd bet you'd find someone really quickly.

Freedom1990

I had to extricate myself from my EXAH in many ways, including becoming self-supporting through employment.

If he is the sole breadwinner in the family, perhaps you should start looking at other options for yourself.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better.

Callie

Also...take it from someone who's AH is OUT of work... it's not fun. Jobs are very hard to come by these days. I agree with GiveLove - maybe try an add on Craigslist. AH lost his job over a year ago due to drugs. He's making 75% less than he was making while working through unemployment. I wouldn't want to mess with his job IF he's the primary breadwinner or if you have kids. If you don't need his income or insurance, let him fall and be on your way. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

catlovermi

OK, how about this idea for a bridge. Until a better solution comes along, he pays you fair working rates to drive him to work. The money is all yours, to tuck away. Charge him what you would charge a complete stranger - for your emergency commuting services, wear and tear on your vehicle, and skilled labor and time.

Just an idea.

CLMI

Callie

GREAT IDEA CLMI! That way he keeps his jobs, helps you financially and you are compensated for your time!!

isurvived

Not a good suggestion - you as the paid driver (IMO). Why? It puts you smack in the middle of his problem, and makes you the "mommie" "caretaker" "problemsolver" "rescuer"... unless you like that assignment/designation and the power that it holds.

I wouldn't do anything to get this fixed. LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT! Don't YOU put an ad on craigslist, let him do it.

Speaking as someone who also was "mommie" - I can say it is nothing but delaying the bottom for him. If his ship is sinking, perhaps it is time to grab the lifesaver and jump?
As an example: my then AH ask me to write his resume for him (I was a better typer he said)... he dictated it, it was awful, I edited it, fixed it nice and off he went with it to get a job. Fast forward several years... his attorney recently emailed me requesting a copy of his resume. Seems he didn't have a copy of it and is incapable of writing one of his own! OMG! What a loser! I emailed her back and suggested he get a template on monster.com to make a new one. Damned if I'll provide it for him. He's on his own.

Your AH should stand on his own too, and face the music.

LaTeeDa

Very good points. It's like bailing water out of a sinking ship. You will exhaust yourself, and the ship will sink anyway.

Much better to spend your energy figuring out how you will take care of yourself financially when he loses his job. Which is likely to happen eventually, whether you drive him to work or not. You can delay the inevitable progression, to some extent, but you can't prevent it. Only he can do that. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to. He already resorted to theft in order to continue his addiction, unemployment won't stop him.

L

whyamistaying

Thanks everyone. To answer the questions: I do work, but only PT. I bring in a little less than 1/2 of what he makes. So yes, he is the main breadwinner. And yes, we do have kids.

I need to get this out and maybe it is a vent or maybe it leads me to solving this problem.

Here's my problem...I keep thinking, if picking up trash for the city doesn't do it, 2 duis, and stealing doesn't do it, then what will? Jail (which is coming). I know he hates taking the bus and jail. So I figure I am delaying him hitting his bottom by driving him period.

We had found a driver. He hired him. I didn't interview him (came from a trusted friend). Figured his problem, let him clean it up. The guy ended up living in OUR car and stopped showing up.

I guess I want to justify why I don't want to drive him. My friends/family say to "suck it up" and drive him b/c while we are still married it is still my problem. It is sooooo very hard for me to drive him in the a.m. Emotionally and physically. He loads the kids in the car while asleep and I drive while he reclines the seat. The kids sleep for that 1 1/2 hours and when we get home and I take them out, they are awake...and I just lost those hours and have been up until 5:00 a.m.

Now I guess I am ungrateful or a nonappreciative wife. But he lies to me still. Calls his sponsor and then says let's go to the store to get dinner (and buys beer w/out me knowing).

This morning, he woke me up to tell me he was going to drive himself. I told him no that he wasn't going to risk 1/2 of my house by driving w/out insurance. He argued w/ me for 5 minutes and then gave me the silent treatment on the way to work. All because he is doing a double-shift and getting out at 1:00 a.m. and there are no buses that early and he will have to wait at work (b/c I told him I won't pick him up that early).

My point is, it is not like he is picking up extra slack for me. But it is a paycheck. But this is for 9 more months.

Okay, I needed to get that out. And no, I don't know why I am staying. My guess is because I must have low self-esteem.

steve11694

ONly because you have kids and living expenses does it become your problem also. Try to find people that carpool the same route he takes. If a scooter(gas/electric) does not require a drivers license maybe it is an option for him, or let him get a bicycle even one with a small motor.

If he hurts someone driving without a license you are also liable. I would speak to an attorney.

JenT1968

I am missing the bits that warrant being grateful or appreciative in your marriage, I must have missed a post! ;-P

This is his problem. Your "wifely duties" do not include being his parent. All the good suggestions of ways round it, are not ones that only wives can do. Why isn't he moving heaven and earth to get this done? to find a solution? sure, one driver didn't work, has he advertised for another, advertised for a car pool from outside of the company? organised to stay over at a co-worker's one night a week to cut down on the burden for you for at least 1 morning? Anything that you can sort out, HE can sort out. The fact that he isn't speaks volumes. If he had fully accepted that he deserves this consequence and respected you enough he would be dealing with this, and you wouldn't spend a moment worrying about it.

Instead you drive him around and he gets to sleep on the way to work, sounds like a perk.... Seems like you are the one getting the consequences, do you imagine that is what the judge had in mind?

You are his wife, he is not the infant king and you are not his whipping boy.

.....I'm not getting at you, my H can't drive at all, never has been able to. I've done way more than my fair share of driving whilst he sleeps and I seethe.

Sure you can provide him with the suggestions and then let him do them, anything else is protecting him from the consequences of his own actions. But that's irrelevant to my mind really, even though I've gone on about it! LOL, to my mind, it is not your job to make sure he has the consequences of his actions, any more than it is your job to shield him from them, the fact that it is a pain in the a** and don't want to drive him is enough of a reason not to do it (newsflash: yes our feelings are that important).

The REAL question right now is, can YOU live with the consequences of him failing to get to work (as that is a very real possibility)? I don't mean could you stand to look like an unsupportive wife to these others (perhaps they could get up at 5 in the morning to haul your children across country for 1.5 hours before getting them ready for the day and doing part time paid work on top of that if they are so darn sure it). I mean what is your financial position? (not his: you and the children as a unit, could you and the children survive financially, without him working and being there to drain you). Perhaps you need to look at that as a very real possibility as has been stated: losing his job may well come anyway.

If I couldn't, I *might* drive him for a defined, limited, period whilst giving him the opportunity to get something else sorted, and to further alleviate my resentment, I'd demand payment for that to start cushioning myself for if he did lose his job (emphasis on cushioning myself: not him), and I'd charge alot MORE than you were paying the previous driver, after all: its more of a pain in the a** for you, and you don't want him to get more comfortable.

But mainly, mainly, why, I'd spend some time, perhaps on those drives sorting out a financial position where you and the children can be self-supporting (without him in the picture at all) you don't have to act on it, but knowing it's in place could help lessen your worry and anxiety levels. I'd also spend time thinking what I'd like my life to be like. Then write it down. Then think about whether you would ever wish the life you had now on your daughter or friend. Then think about if you were your friend would you want yourself to carry on living in this misery. Then if it’s pertinent, think about why you are not your own friend....

Bernadette

Touche JenT1968!

DITTO DITTO DITTO everything Jen said!!!!

And maybe you aren't staying because you have low self esteem but because it is a big hassle and a major change to leave. But you can do it....and then sort out your self-esteem from the peace and serenity of your own space!!

There is no financial situation that is worth compromising your mental health. When my exH and I split I was only working P/T and I was broke and I suffered. But I didn't suffer 1/10 of what it was to be in that insane marriage for even a single day...and I survived quite nicely and my boys are joyful, regular kids, not a mess!

peace,
b

MissFixit

Hi!

I agree with those who said you would be like his mommy when driving him around. I drove my exabf around after he lost his license. It sucked. I would cry sometimes as I felt like his mother, not his girlfriend. He would buy me gifts trying to make me feel better or he would yell at me for making him feel worse. Either way it was very unhealthy and damaged my self esteem. I felt trapped and obligated to help him as I could drive. I rationalized that if he was in a wheelchair or something similar that of course I would drive him around. HOWEVER, like your husband he was in that mess because of HIS repeated alcohol abuse. If I had it to do over, I would have let him figure out how to get around by himself.

Miss

Pelican

Why,

There isn't enough money in the world to make me get my children out of their beds and ride in the car for 1.5 hours to take an adult to his job because he lost his right to operate a vehicle when he chose to drink and drive, twice. Do you see the message you are sending them?

If jail time is inevitable, he will loose the job anyway, right? Why are you in charge of preventing the inevitable?

I understand that the house is jointly owned. But at this point do you own the house or does the house own you? You are jumping through hoops to get him to a job that is too far to walk to, you are putting up with unacceptable behavior because of a financial obligation to a piece of property, and it doesn't sound like the atmosphere is a sanctuary for healthy development for anyone living there.

I walked away from a house that I had put my inheritance money into. I understand the house may go into foreclosure now. It's 10 a.m. and my children are sleeping in their beds in our apartment. I have to go to work soon, and I work 1/2 mile from my apartment. If my car breaks down, I can walk to work. My life is not without struggle and trials, but it is my life and I am living it to the best of my ability.

That is what everyone here is suggesting to you. Look at your life and decide how you want it to be for yourself and your children. The friends/family that suggest you suck it up; haven't walked in your shoes. We have.

whyamistaying

Thank you. You are right, it is not my job to make sure he gets the consequences. And no he hasn't done anything to secure a ride other than the other driver. Honestly, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with driving right now. I told him there is no insurance on him (since no DL) and he still doesn't get it.

As far as work....he will only get 4 days in jail for the second DUI due to going to rehab. He will most likely go on a work release program, so his work won't be affected from what I understand.

You know, I had suggested staying a coworkers and he poo poo'd it.

As far as money goes, I made enough to cover the mortgage, but that is it. It wouldn't cover food, insurance, utilities.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and brain storm with me. I appreciate it.

whyamistaying

It stinks big time. I am really mad at myself because I had said I wouldn't drive him. I am not a better parent when I wake up that early bc I still have to stay up just as late to get things done the night before. I was happy when he had the driver, but the guy stopped showing up.

Thank you for saying that friends and family haven't walked in my shoes...

As far as the house, our mortgage is cheaper than what it would cost to rent out here since we have lived here so long...so I don't want to lose the house. When I think of divorce though, I am fine giving it up although I don't want my dogs to be homeless.

To pay for the driver before, I made him use his lunch money as we don't have that much extra a month to pay someone. Of course, AH makes it something it shouldn't be and now has the driver taking him to the liquor store and parks in the back of the parking lot drinking beer before coming home.

LaTeeDa

I had many of these 'banging my head against a wall' arguments with my AH. Finally, I had to accept the fact that he did not value the same things I valued. (Integrity, security, etc.) I was putting myself and my children at risk by being married to him. That was tough to accept, but once I did, my options became a lot clearer. I had to protect us from him. It never occurred to me that I needed to protect myself from my husband or protect my children from their father, but there it was.

This is just food for thought, but in hindsight, I was on much shakier financial ground when I was married to someone undependable than I am now. When there is a divorce or legal separation, the court orders the non-custodial parent to provide support for the children. When you are married to an erratic, irresponsible, unreliable alcoholic, there is no such order and no way to enforce it. Just something to think about......

L

isurvived

You'd likely end up with the house, as it is most desirable for the children growing up. You said your job would cover the mortgage, and then there would be some child support. (I'm rowing the boat by myself... taking up BOTH the oars. It's tight, but somehow my HP gets me what I NEED.) Somehow, it all works out.

He's driving without a license? WOW, that is a disaster in the making. Big fines/lawsuits if he gets caught - but more ammunition for you if you decide to divorce him.

I think you need to make yourself a list: Pro/Con. I'd bet the "con" will far outweigh the pro. That will help you sort it out.