My Story "Why did these things happen to me?"
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Wasilla, AK
Posts: 99
My Story "Why did these things happen to me?"
Hi, I am Cindy, and I am an alcoholic-and this is my story. I haven't told my whole story to anyone so..I'm a little nervous even through typing it out, but if it opens eyes and blesses you, it's a God thing, thank you Jesus.
I was born the third child out of five, and in my tribe boys are more "valuable", so I got mistreated for that by my own parents. If you were the eldest, the youngest or a boy you're favorable to your family. I wasn't even smart, (in my eyes) just felt like a slave, only to clean and cook for everyone in my family. I did feel like a burden, because that vibe was put out by my mother.
I never knew what love meant, just felt like a throw away child, because I had to live with my grandparents, although I was treated well by my grandparents I still wanted and yearned to live with my parents. Both my parent's were alcoholics, in fact, my dad was abusive to my mother (put some stitches in my mother's head) he used a two by four and put her in the hospital, and all of us kid's witnessed it. I strongly disliked my father (I don't want to say hate because that's too strong a word) he was out of control, and most likely learned that from his parents.
As a young adult I met some awesome people that treated me like one of their own, but stupid me had built a wall of protection around my heart and didn't take that love in. They loved me for me, not for what I did for them, I was ignorant in seeing the real love they had for me. So I went looking for love (with the opposite sex), I was promiscuous, I thought if I gave myself someone would love me.
Hence my first daughter born out of wedlock, so then started the shame and failure of doing things the wrong way. So, I didn't care after that, my life was screwed up or so I thought. I had no love for myself because of my dysfunctional childhood, I had my second child from being promiscuous, then third, I hated myself and my life. All seemed so hopeless, because the fathers (yes there's multiple fathers) didn't want nothing else from me but sex. Oh how that hurt, so many nights of sobbing
That was a painful part in my life, well, one part, it get's worse.
So I lived in a fog of alcohol and frequent men in my life, I know it didn't please my parents, but remember my childhood, I didn't care. My parents only had one boy, so they wanted to adopt my boys, I said no, I couldn't think of anything else that would hurt them, as they hurt me. Then, one cold-below zero night they wanted to take both my boys on a trip out of town. I told them only my second boy, because the third boy was a newborn. When I dropped Ethan off to my parents, I knew they were drinking, but for some odd reason my mother gave me a hug before I left, and said "I love you,"
she never said that to me before. (crying)
Four days later they (both my parents and two year old son) were found frozen to death on the Denali Highway, on a closed road. Their subaru had gotten stuck in the snow, so they started walking, but first put a "HELP" sign in front of their car and pointing it in the direction they were walking. My mother and son were laying together, and my dad walked away from them (he probably saw them dead) and he walked in circles until he died.
It was -40 below zero, and they triumphantly walked eight miles, getting about 250 yards away from a lodge, God rest their souls, they have been gone for 13 years. I really wish now, that they were here, I am married now to a great husband and two beautiful children one girl and one boy.
My perspective in life now is changed, I know now what love is, because of my husband and babies
(God worked through my husband to reveal it to me). Alcohol was a major factor in keeping my life out of control, hence staying sober, that will be for the rest of my life (recovery). I feel deeply that I got a second chance, yeah those messed up things may have happened to me, that was the past. I can change my outlook on how to cope with the past, I am no longer in that situation so I don't need to dwell on it. Life is fragile, and we are just vapors in the wind, life is short and we can choose to live the tiny amount of time on this earth with gratitude for what we have now.
I hope this helped someone, and gives you hope, I know I have hope and lots of love. There is a lot more of things in my past that I didn't share but choose to share the most important parts. I give all thanks to God for deliverance from the bondage of my past and alcohol, God Bless you and live saved everyday
I was born the third child out of five, and in my tribe boys are more "valuable", so I got mistreated for that by my own parents. If you were the eldest, the youngest or a boy you're favorable to your family. I wasn't even smart, (in my eyes) just felt like a slave, only to clean and cook for everyone in my family. I did feel like a burden, because that vibe was put out by my mother.
I never knew what love meant, just felt like a throw away child, because I had to live with my grandparents, although I was treated well by my grandparents I still wanted and yearned to live with my parents. Both my parent's were alcoholics, in fact, my dad was abusive to my mother (put some stitches in my mother's head) he used a two by four and put her in the hospital, and all of us kid's witnessed it. I strongly disliked my father (I don't want to say hate because that's too strong a word) he was out of control, and most likely learned that from his parents.
As a young adult I met some awesome people that treated me like one of their own, but stupid me had built a wall of protection around my heart and didn't take that love in. They loved me for me, not for what I did for them, I was ignorant in seeing the real love they had for me. So I went looking for love (with the opposite sex), I was promiscuous, I thought if I gave myself someone would love me.
Hence my first daughter born out of wedlock, so then started the shame and failure of doing things the wrong way. So, I didn't care after that, my life was screwed up or so I thought. I had no love for myself because of my dysfunctional childhood, I had my second child from being promiscuous, then third, I hated myself and my life. All seemed so hopeless, because the fathers (yes there's multiple fathers) didn't want nothing else from me but sex. Oh how that hurt, so many nights of sobbing
That was a painful part in my life, well, one part, it get's worse.So I lived in a fog of alcohol and frequent men in my life, I know it didn't please my parents, but remember my childhood, I didn't care. My parents only had one boy, so they wanted to adopt my boys, I said no, I couldn't think of anything else that would hurt them, as they hurt me. Then, one cold-below zero night they wanted to take both my boys on a trip out of town. I told them only my second boy, because the third boy was a newborn. When I dropped Ethan off to my parents, I knew they were drinking, but for some odd reason my mother gave me a hug before I left, and said "I love you,"
she never said that to me before. (crying) Four days later they (both my parents and two year old son) were found frozen to death on the Denali Highway, on a closed road. Their subaru had gotten stuck in the snow, so they started walking, but first put a "HELP" sign in front of their car and pointing it in the direction they were walking. My mother and son were laying together, and my dad walked away from them (he probably saw them dead) and he walked in circles until he died.
It was -40 below zero, and they triumphantly walked eight miles, getting about 250 yards away from a lodge, God rest their souls, they have been gone for 13 years. I really wish now, that they were here, I am married now to a great husband and two beautiful children one girl and one boy.
My perspective in life now is changed, I know now what love is, because of my husband and babies
(God worked through my husband to reveal it to me). Alcohol was a major factor in keeping my life out of control, hence staying sober, that will be for the rest of my life (recovery). I feel deeply that I got a second chance, yeah those messed up things may have happened to me, that was the past. I can change my outlook on how to cope with the past, I am no longer in that situation so I don't need to dwell on it. Life is fragile, and we are just vapors in the wind, life is short and we can choose to live the tiny amount of time on this earth with gratitude for what we have now. I hope this helped someone, and gives you hope, I know I have hope and lots of love. There is a lot more of things in my past that I didn't share but choose to share the most important parts. I give all thanks to God for deliverance from the bondage of my past and alcohol, God Bless you and live saved everyday
Last edited by appleofhiseye; 07-19-2009 at 09:01 PM.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Lake Mills< IA
Posts: 42
Apple
What an incredible story of survival and hope. You are one h e l l of a strong woman. I admire u for what u have accomplished with your life and how your husband has helped bring change to your life that is an awesome story. They say things happen for a reason we just do not know why.
What an incredible story of survival and hope. You are one h e l l of a strong woman. I admire u for what u have accomplished with your life and how your husband has helped bring change to your life that is an awesome story. They say things happen for a reason we just do not know why.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: london
Posts: 35
wow
thankyou so much for such an open honest share, you have been through so much, but today you are sober and have serenity in your life. i wish you well , you are an inspiration, you have given hope to all of us. god bless you
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