Dealing with friends & family of friends & family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 30
Dealing with friends & family of friends & family
Hi All,
I am wondering how others here deal with negative comments from your friends/family about your A, or how you are choosing to deal with your A.
I share a child with my A, and he is in rehab. I have recently started attending Alanon meetings, and I am trying to figure out what my daughter and I need in order to have the best life we can with or without him.
My sister was very negative to me on the phone today, and I had a knee jerk reaction.. and well... you know how it goes. We have to speak soon, she is flying in for a visit in two weeks! LOL
In my family, if you get hurt, they yell at you. If they are scared for you, they yell at you. If you are sick, they get mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. So, I know she was acting with love when she was verbally assaulting me (about him) for not a, b, c, d ...
Perhaps a program for family and friends of family and friends of an A? LOL... Sorry, I just needed to vent. It is hard enough to go through all this soul searching and personal behavior modification when you have your peeps trying to pull you back into non-productive attack mode.
Thanks for giving me a place to put these thoughts.
BCG
I am wondering how others here deal with negative comments from your friends/family about your A, or how you are choosing to deal with your A.
I share a child with my A, and he is in rehab. I have recently started attending Alanon meetings, and I am trying to figure out what my daughter and I need in order to have the best life we can with or without him.
My sister was very negative to me on the phone today, and I had a knee jerk reaction.. and well... you know how it goes. We have to speak soon, she is flying in for a visit in two weeks! LOL
In my family, if you get hurt, they yell at you. If they are scared for you, they yell at you. If you are sick, they get mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. So, I know she was acting with love when she was verbally assaulting me (about him) for not a, b, c, d ...
Perhaps a program for family and friends of family and friends of an A? LOL... Sorry, I just needed to vent. It is hard enough to go through all this soul searching and personal behavior modification when you have your peeps trying to pull you back into non-productive attack mode.
Thanks for giving me a place to put these thoughts.
BCG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It is hard enough to go through all this soul searching and personal behavior modification when you have your peeps trying to pull you back into non-productive attack mode.
Maybe try saying something just like that.
Like "Yknow I know when you yell at me sis you are trying to help fo doing it out of love but it really IS NOT what's helping me. What's been helping me deal with this is..." and then lay some of what you've learning on her...
You'll know pretty quickly if she's "heard" you! I found, especially in early recovery, I had to keep my cards pretty close to my chest, and attend extra AlAnon meetings when my family was in town! It sure isn;t easy. My heart goes out to you!
peace,
b
Maybe try saying something just like that.
Like "Yknow I know when you yell at me sis you are trying to help fo doing it out of love but it really IS NOT what's helping me. What's been helping me deal with this is..." and then lay some of what you've learning on her...
You'll know pretty quickly if she's "heard" you! I found, especially in early recovery, I had to keep my cards pretty close to my chest, and attend extra AlAnon meetings when my family was in town! It sure isn;t easy. My heart goes out to you!
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
this is what I feel on the matter.....
alcoholism is a family disease.
Aside from the alcoholic afflicted with alcoholism it spreads and affects all those around the drinker. not just friends and family but even further.
As a family disease I learnt that my alcoholic relatives have what I heard in aa called
(A) the mental obsession that wont quit
(b) the thirst for alcohol as a solution to the agony and dis - ease.
In alanon Ive learnt that I have the head, not the thirst and much the same can be said for friends and family of those around the alcoholic....ive soon come to see that im very similar to the alcoholic, its just that instead of a drink ill pick up something else, perhaps its food, shopping compulsively, workaholism,, raging, a relationship to fix me, or ill make it all about somebody else and them, once again not looking at my life, my part and setting a boundary in love and respect for what is not mine to deal with.
in alanon i can just be and not be judged or told what to do. i am trusted that i am an adult and know what to do with my own life and that if i feel i stuff it up then thats no big deal. im stilla n acceptable human being whos learning.
alanon and going to open aa meetings has helped me with everything youve posted in your thread because ive found some ppl are not very aware about the disease adn that its a mental, physical and spirtual disease (note* DIS- EASE)
keep coming back to meetings. and peace be with you
alcoholism is a family disease.
Aside from the alcoholic afflicted with alcoholism it spreads and affects all those around the drinker. not just friends and family but even further.
As a family disease I learnt that my alcoholic relatives have what I heard in aa called
(A) the mental obsession that wont quit
(b) the thirst for alcohol as a solution to the agony and dis - ease.
In alanon Ive learnt that I have the head, not the thirst and much the same can be said for friends and family of those around the alcoholic....ive soon come to see that im very similar to the alcoholic, its just that instead of a drink ill pick up something else, perhaps its food, shopping compulsively, workaholism,, raging, a relationship to fix me, or ill make it all about somebody else and them, once again not looking at my life, my part and setting a boundary in love and respect for what is not mine to deal with.
in alanon i can just be and not be judged or told what to do. i am trusted that i am an adult and know what to do with my own life and that if i feel i stuff it up then thats no big deal. im stilla n acceptable human being whos learning.
alanon and going to open aa meetings has helped me with everything youve posted in your thread because ive found some ppl are not very aware about the disease adn that its a mental, physical and spirtual disease (note* DIS- EASE)
keep coming back to meetings. and peace be with you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 30
Thank you all for caring. So you know, my sister and I did make up and I did manage to have a gentle heart to heart with her (along the lines of Bernadette's suggestion). I so appreciate this place, and all of you here you bolster me when I'm down, and inspire me on a daily basis.
God bless.
BCG
God bless.
BCG
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I hope you don't take offense to this, but no wonder you ended up with an alcoholic. 
Originally Posted by boocatgirl 
In my family, if you get hurt, they yell at you. If they are scared for you, they yell at you. If you are sick, they get mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. So, I know she was acting with love when she was verbally assaulting me (about him) for not a, b, c, d ...
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Glad it worked out. I've been reading Melody Beattie's book on codependency, and that anger from your family sounds a lot to me like codependent rage against their inability to control the situation.
Originally Posted by boocatgirl
Thank you all for caring. So you know, my sister and I did make up and I did manage to have a gentle heart to heart with her (along the lines of Bernadette's suggestion). I so appreciate this place, and all of you here you bolster me when I'm down, and inspire me on a daily basis.
God bless.
BCG
God bless.
BCG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Bernadette
It is hard enough to go through all this soul searching and personal behavior modification when you have your peeps trying to pull you back into non-productive attack mode.
Maybe try saying something just like that.
Like "Yknow I know when you yell at me sis you are trying to help fo doing it out of love but it really IS NOT what's helping me. What's been helping me deal with this is..." and then lay some of what you've learning on her...
You'll know pretty quickly if she's "heard" you! I found, especially in early recovery, I had to keep my cards pretty close to my chest, and attend extra AlAnon meetings when my family was in town! It sure isn;t easy. My heart goes out to you!
peace,
b
Maybe try saying something just like that.
Like "Yknow I know when you yell at me sis you are trying to help fo doing it out of love but it really IS NOT what's helping me. What's been helping me deal with this is..." and then lay some of what you've learning on her...
You'll know pretty quickly if she's "heard" you! I found, especially in early recovery, I had to keep my cards pretty close to my chest, and attend extra AlAnon meetings when my family was in town! It sure isn;t easy. My heart goes out to you!
peace,
b
It's helpful as a partner or ex-partner of an alcoholic to find a way to not react or be drawn into heated arguments, but to state your case or set your boundary calmly. It doesn't mean they won't react to you or the boundary you set. I feel sure you'll work it out - it's helpful to be able to vent your frustration here though in the meantime!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Yeah Beginner no question: It's helpful as a partner or ex-partner of an alcoholic to find a way to not react or be drawn into heated arguments, but to state your case or set your boundary calmly. It doesn't mean they won't react to you or the boundary you set
And one GREAT thing I learned in AlAnon and it took a while for me to remember to use it - but seriously it is such a life-saver and gives you space to ACT instead of REACT -- is to respond with "Oh." "Hunh. or "I see."
It just takes the shove right out of the conversation, kind of gives me a "pause" button, a non-reactive moment to gather my thoughts.
Other phrases that have helped me over the years:
"Say that again in a different way."
"Hmmm. Let me think about that."
The trick was to try to make it a habit whenever I felt attacked or like things were heating up or especially if the A started quacking at me, to just remember to say "Hmmmm." instead of "Oh yeah!! What the ^&*#+_*&*$@_!!!!!!"
This little trick has helped me in all areas of my life - work etc.
peace,
b
And one GREAT thing I learned in AlAnon and it took a while for me to remember to use it - but seriously it is such a life-saver and gives you space to ACT instead of REACT -- is to respond with "Oh." "Hunh. or "I see."
It just takes the shove right out of the conversation, kind of gives me a "pause" button, a non-reactive moment to gather my thoughts.
Other phrases that have helped me over the years:
"Say that again in a different way."
"Hmmm. Let me think about that."
The trick was to try to make it a habit whenever I felt attacked or like things were heating up or especially if the A started quacking at me, to just remember to say "Hmmmm." instead of "Oh yeah!! What the ^&*#+_*&*$@_!!!!!!"
This little trick has helped me in all areas of my life - work etc.
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
I going threw the same thing my husbands in rehab and Im taking mental and physical care of 4 kids, I see alot of my famliy members dont know how to respond, they want to be help to you and your husband but dont know where to begin.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome boocatgirl,
I see you have some good advice already! That's why I love this place! People who have/are going through the same things and sharing their experience and wisdom.
Learning to respond vs. react to life has been a life saver for me. I am able to express my true feelings in a calm manner when I take the time to think.
There are sticky posts at the top of Friends and Family Forum that are full of wisdom and experience from members of SR. Take the time to read as much as you can and post as often as needed.
I see you have some good advice already! That's why I love this place! People who have/are going through the same things and sharing their experience and wisdom.
Learning to respond vs. react to life has been a life saver for me. I am able to express my true feelings in a calm manner when I take the time to think.
There are sticky posts at the top of Friends and Family Forum that are full of wisdom and experience from members of SR. Take the time to read as much as you can and post as often as needed.
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