What's "normal" behavior?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
What's "normal" behavior?
My 1st post, so will try to be brief. What is "normal" behavior for a sober alcoholic? He's also taking anti-depress med's which aren't helping much. He's sooo negative it's making me nuts! Tells me I'm threatening him since I have been clearly laying out my expectations ie: responsible adult behavior, do what you say you are going to do, get a job and bring $ into the household. Wants to move due to hot climate and his physical health. Makes comments how nothing matters anyway, etc.... Is this normal behavior for AH? If so, how long does this go on?
Little background: AH is 50 y; had his professional license suspended 2 yrs ago and doesn't want to get it reinstated; got fired from his last job 13 mo's ago; has been studying to change careers, but not working too hard on it; has been sober since Aug '08 and weaned off Xanax shortly afterward (he was mixing the 2). He was sober but not working toward recovery ie: why he drank to begin with until this past month or so. Now he's just do negative and mean spirited.
Me: 48 y, just got laid off my job, great mom of 2 awesome young teen boys.
PS - he has been attending AA mtgs daily for the past 10 days and every few days before that for about 1 month. Seems to be making an effort.
Little background: AH is 50 y; had his professional license suspended 2 yrs ago and doesn't want to get it reinstated; got fired from his last job 13 mo's ago; has been studying to change careers, but not working too hard on it; has been sober since Aug '08 and weaned off Xanax shortly afterward (he was mixing the 2). He was sober but not working toward recovery ie: why he drank to begin with until this past month or so. Now he's just do negative and mean spirited.
Me: 48 y, just got laid off my job, great mom of 2 awesome young teen boys.
PS - he has been attending AA mtgs daily for the past 10 days and every few days before that for about 1 month. Seems to be making an effort.
Last edited by JimBeam; 07-19-2009 at 03:03 PM. Reason: Adding info.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
you should look into al anon meetings. I am both a an ex drinker and the ex of a drinker. The only thing I have really learned is that I am responsible for me. I cannot make sense of, nor effect change in the behaviors and thoughts of him. I can only work hard to ensure that I am pursuing a life that is spiritually, emotional and physically healthy for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi JimBeam -
I'm glad you found us! Have you had a chance to read around the forum, especially the Sticky posts at the very top? There is a lot of information there that talks about setting boundaries, normal/abnormal, acceptable/unacceptable, etc.
As for "normal," well, that is just a difficult yardstick to try to measure people by. A better yardstick for you might be "What's acceptable to me? What am I willing to live with? And if this isn't how I want my/my kids' lives to be, what actions will I take?"
It's impossible to read from this distance whether your husband is doing these things because he's dry, because he's clinically depressed, because he's unhappy......since he's already making moves to control his substance abuse, have you thought about talking with a counselor to see if he/she can help you two set appropriate boundaries with each other? If you are interested in exploring every option, I know that some members here have had good luck with that.
Glad you're here -- please do keep posting! It's a little quiet here on weekends but it gets much more active on the weekdays
I'm glad you found us! Have you had a chance to read around the forum, especially the Sticky posts at the very top? There is a lot of information there that talks about setting boundaries, normal/abnormal, acceptable/unacceptable, etc.
As for "normal," well, that is just a difficult yardstick to try to measure people by. A better yardstick for you might be "What's acceptable to me? What am I willing to live with? And if this isn't how I want my/my kids' lives to be, what actions will I take?"
It's impossible to read from this distance whether your husband is doing these things because he's dry, because he's clinically depressed, because he's unhappy......since he's already making moves to control his substance abuse, have you thought about talking with a counselor to see if he/she can help you two set appropriate boundaries with each other? If you are interested in exploring every option, I know that some members here have had good luck with that.
Glad you're here -- please do keep posting! It's a little quiet here on weekends but it gets much more active on the weekdays
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi JB and welcome to SR!
We're glad you found us. Don't worry about the length of your post. Write a novella and get it all out there anytime you need too.
I'm like GypsyTears "I am both a an ex drinker and the ex of a drinker." While my husband and I were discussing our difficulties in our relationship, he offered to get sober to save the marriage. I explained to him that sobriety will help him physically to get better, it would not be enough to help him spiritually and emotionally. He would need to find a support group and begin to learn new coping skills for a life without alcohol. I was attending AlAnon at the time. He chose not to get sober or get support. I chose to leave the marriage to protect myself and children from the financial and emotional fallout of living with an active alcoholic.
Today, my xhusband is sober and working a 12 step program with a sponsor. The difference in his physical health, and mental health is noticeable. It sounds like your husband may have found a way to work on his spiritual and emotional health by going to AA. AA is a great program, but it is not a miracle cure. The effort to learn new coping skills, maintain sobriety and establish healthy relationships depends on the addicts committment. You can support him, but he must do all the work in his own time, one day at a time.
Al Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. At meetings we focus on our needs and learn ways to cope with the effects of having lived with someone who lies, manipulates, verbally/physically abuses loved ones and how to love and respect ourselves. Again, it's not a miracle cure but it is worth the effort to attend and enjoy the fellowship of others who have walked the path you are walking. Some of these people blaze some amazing trails of courage!
You can read some stories about some trail blazers here at SR by reading the sticky posts at the top of our Friends and Family forum.
Make yourself at home, and welcome!
We're glad you found us. Don't worry about the length of your post. Write a novella and get it all out there anytime you need too.
I'm like GypsyTears "I am both a an ex drinker and the ex of a drinker." While my husband and I were discussing our difficulties in our relationship, he offered to get sober to save the marriage. I explained to him that sobriety will help him physically to get better, it would not be enough to help him spiritually and emotionally. He would need to find a support group and begin to learn new coping skills for a life without alcohol. I was attending AlAnon at the time. He chose not to get sober or get support. I chose to leave the marriage to protect myself and children from the financial and emotional fallout of living with an active alcoholic.
Today, my xhusband is sober and working a 12 step program with a sponsor. The difference in his physical health, and mental health is noticeable. It sounds like your husband may have found a way to work on his spiritual and emotional health by going to AA. AA is a great program, but it is not a miracle cure. The effort to learn new coping skills, maintain sobriety and establish healthy relationships depends on the addicts committment. You can support him, but he must do all the work in his own time, one day at a time.
Al Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. At meetings we focus on our needs and learn ways to cope with the effects of having lived with someone who lies, manipulates, verbally/physically abuses loved ones and how to love and respect ourselves. Again, it's not a miracle cure but it is worth the effort to attend and enjoy the fellowship of others who have walked the path you are walking. Some of these people blaze some amazing trails of courage!
You can read some stories about some trail blazers here at SR by reading the sticky posts at the top of our Friends and Family forum.
Make yourself at home, and welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
I would echo what GiveLove said above. It is really important to figure out what is acceptable to you. Will you accept a spouse who is unemployed and not trying to find work? Normal isn't the question. Are you willing to accept it is.
And to be honest... I have a hard time with this too.... Listen to what I say... not what I do.... :-)
And to be honest... I have a hard time with this too.... Listen to what I say... not what I do.... :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
"Normal is the cycle on a washing machine." ~ Naomi Judd
All kidding aside, there's a huge difference between abstinence only and sobriety.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, was married to an active alcoholic (now deceased) and also have a 31 year old AD.
My solution to my alcoholism was threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
I had to change my attitudes and outlook on life. I had to learn different coping mechanisms since alcohol was no longer an option. I had to learn to take responsibility for everything I did. The list could go on and on.
Honestly, what has changed with your husband other than not drinking?
I know for me my bar of standards is pretty high these days, and I deserve someone in my life who respects me, is honest, and is responsible. Anything less than that is unacceptable for me.
:ghug2
All kidding aside, there's a huge difference between abstinence only and sobriety.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, was married to an active alcoholic (now deceased) and also have a 31 year old AD.
My solution to my alcoholism was threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
I had to change my attitudes and outlook on life. I had to learn different coping mechanisms since alcohol was no longer an option. I had to learn to take responsibility for everything I did. The list could go on and on.
Honestly, what has changed with your husband other than not drinking?
I know for me my bar of standards is pretty high these days, and I deserve someone in my life who respects me, is honest, and is responsible. Anything less than that is unacceptable for me.
:ghug2
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