I've been here before...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
I've been here before...
Hi everyone,
Some of you might remember me. I have been to SR a few times over the past five or six years. First just reading as a visitor then joining and posting sometimes.
I think I was here looking for information to convince me that I did not have a "drinking problem". That the bottle or more of wine or the pint or more of vodka I was consuming daily for 25 years (and most often sitting alone the past five years) was a normal way of life. That my erractic behavior and out of control emotions was just part of my "personality." Well, guess what? I'm sure you are all surprised... I don't have a "drinking problem" at all, I am an alcoholic.
I recently lost the most important man in my life, a man I loved very much, because of my alcohol use. He is not a drinker. I was pretty good at hiding from him (oh yes AND me, I am very good at denial) the extent that alcohol had control of my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my health. I apparently said some things to him (which I don't remember) and did some things (which I DO remember and am mortified by) that pushed him far away from me. I can't blame him, I hate me too. I wouldn't trust me either. The me who is "using" is a me I have come to recognize, but I know it is not the real me. I do remember the "real" me, the pre-alcohol me, I liked her alot.
I was married for 15 years. My husband and I both drank daily. We were happy drunks, never argued. We got divorced for non-alcohol related issues. Then I had a relationship with an alcoholic, abusive, drug addict for 5 years. I finally threw that man out of my life to save myself. He frightened me. I quit drinking on and off for a few days at a time over the next five years after that horrible relationship, but I never really quit. I went right back to my normal "dose." Men I dated after the nightmare relationship were always non-drinkers. There was a part of me that WANTED that type of man in my life even though I wasn't truly comfortable with a non-drinker, I knew I didn't want anyone with the same problem I had. Although they were good guys, they weren't the right guys for me. I make inappropriate relationship decisions when on alcohol. Then I hurt others, or I get hurt.
My emotions these past few years are all over the map. My sleep patterns are all screwed up, I don't eat and have lost a lot of weight. I send emails that I am afraid to read the next day. I have phone conversations that I don't remember, but apparently I say things that are not all that nice to people I love. I boldly cross other people's boundaries that the non-drinking me would never cross. My anxiety and blood pressure have reached all time highs. I am enormously depressed and cry at the drop of a hat several times a day. I am a mess and feel that I have had a tenuous grip on my sanity for quite some time.
My father was a highly functioning alcoholic, until his later years, and I guess I am too. I've always had a good job, nice house, lots of hobbies and interests, but all of that lately has been spiraling downhill. Lost my job, pretty much had to sell my house, no interest in much at all except looking forward to opening that bottle of wine by six o'clock and sitting and drinking and smoking cigarette after cigarette until I fall into bed and wake up weeping the next day.
I haven't had anything to drink for four days. Given my track record, this is nothing for me to crow about, but I am committed to giving a sober way of life my very best effort. It's the first time I have admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic, that alcohol use is ruining my physical and emotional health and has ruined my relationship with the one person I have an enormous amount of respect for. He has no respect for me any longer. I have no respect for me any longer.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I have all the traits. Knowing that makes this journey both harder and easier.
And to those who will inquire, no I am not in a 12 step program. I have my reasons and beliefs on that. Maybe those reasons and beliefs will change as I get further into this journey, but for now I am going it alone with some very good friends' support, so please respect my wishes for now and don't inquire as to the why's on that.
Peace to all.
Some of you might remember me. I have been to SR a few times over the past five or six years. First just reading as a visitor then joining and posting sometimes.
I think I was here looking for information to convince me that I did not have a "drinking problem". That the bottle or more of wine or the pint or more of vodka I was consuming daily for 25 years (and most often sitting alone the past five years) was a normal way of life. That my erractic behavior and out of control emotions was just part of my "personality." Well, guess what? I'm sure you are all surprised... I don't have a "drinking problem" at all, I am an alcoholic.
I recently lost the most important man in my life, a man I loved very much, because of my alcohol use. He is not a drinker. I was pretty good at hiding from him (oh yes AND me, I am very good at denial) the extent that alcohol had control of my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my health. I apparently said some things to him (which I don't remember) and did some things (which I DO remember and am mortified by) that pushed him far away from me. I can't blame him, I hate me too. I wouldn't trust me either. The me who is "using" is a me I have come to recognize, but I know it is not the real me. I do remember the "real" me, the pre-alcohol me, I liked her alot.
I was married for 15 years. My husband and I both drank daily. We were happy drunks, never argued. We got divorced for non-alcohol related issues. Then I had a relationship with an alcoholic, abusive, drug addict for 5 years. I finally threw that man out of my life to save myself. He frightened me. I quit drinking on and off for a few days at a time over the next five years after that horrible relationship, but I never really quit. I went right back to my normal "dose." Men I dated after the nightmare relationship were always non-drinkers. There was a part of me that WANTED that type of man in my life even though I wasn't truly comfortable with a non-drinker, I knew I didn't want anyone with the same problem I had. Although they were good guys, they weren't the right guys for me. I make inappropriate relationship decisions when on alcohol. Then I hurt others, or I get hurt.
My emotions these past few years are all over the map. My sleep patterns are all screwed up, I don't eat and have lost a lot of weight. I send emails that I am afraid to read the next day. I have phone conversations that I don't remember, but apparently I say things that are not all that nice to people I love. I boldly cross other people's boundaries that the non-drinking me would never cross. My anxiety and blood pressure have reached all time highs. I am enormously depressed and cry at the drop of a hat several times a day. I am a mess and feel that I have had a tenuous grip on my sanity for quite some time.
My father was a highly functioning alcoholic, until his later years, and I guess I am too. I've always had a good job, nice house, lots of hobbies and interests, but all of that lately has been spiraling downhill. Lost my job, pretty much had to sell my house, no interest in much at all except looking forward to opening that bottle of wine by six o'clock and sitting and drinking and smoking cigarette after cigarette until I fall into bed and wake up weeping the next day.
I haven't had anything to drink for four days. Given my track record, this is nothing for me to crow about, but I am committed to giving a sober way of life my very best effort. It's the first time I have admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic, that alcohol use is ruining my physical and emotional health and has ruined my relationship with the one person I have an enormous amount of respect for. He has no respect for me any longer. I have no respect for me any longer.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I have all the traits. Knowing that makes this journey both harder and easier.
And to those who will inquire, no I am not in a 12 step program. I have my reasons and beliefs on that. Maybe those reasons and beliefs will change as I get further into this journey, but for now I am going it alone with some very good friends' support, so please respect my wishes for now and don't inquire as to the why's on that.
Peace to all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi,
There are many aspects of your story that all too familiar to me. I would wake up, knowing that I had called someone, but having no recollection of what I said. What a horrible feeling! I turned into a person that I hated when I was drinking. And, I grew up in an alcoholic environment also, but had absolutely no idea how much it had impacted my life.
SR is my lifeline and books have guided me on my journey of recovery. I had to find a reason for being here, I had to find my soul's purpose in life, in order for me to recover. Know that you can do this and you can find peace in your life.
There are many aspects of your story that all too familiar to me. I would wake up, knowing that I had called someone, but having no recollection of what I said. What a horrible feeling! I turned into a person that I hated when I was drinking. And, I grew up in an alcoholic environment also, but had absolutely no idea how much it had impacted my life.
SR is my lifeline and books have guided me on my journey of recovery. I had to find a reason for being here, I had to find my soul's purpose in life, in order for me to recover. Know that you can do this and you can find peace in your life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I am the first alcoholic on either side of my family, a badge I'm not happy to wear. I understand your hesitation and determination. I have both.
Welcome back to SR! I hope we can be helpful to you.:ghug3
Welcome back to SR! I hope we can be helpful to you.:ghug3
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Hi Rider and welcome back.
I have a similar situation as you with my better half of many many years.
My last time drinking I did and said some things that I deeply regret also and she finally gathered the strength to say this is it quit drinking or get out.
I was finally ready to quit and not just play the quitting game with her that I have done for so many years.
That was just over six months ago and I have done it so far with just the help of SR and one old drinking buddy who is also under the quit or get out ultimatum. He has just over three years and has done it without any outside help except his kids so I kinda look at him for inspiration.
It can be done on your own so have faith in yourself.
Perhaps in a few months, when the man you love sees you sober and serious about your sobriety, may see it in his heart to forgive you and try to resume the relationship with you, the person he fell in love with in the first place.
I wish you all the best. Good luck.
I have a similar situation as you with my better half of many many years.
My last time drinking I did and said some things that I deeply regret also and she finally gathered the strength to say this is it quit drinking or get out.
I was finally ready to quit and not just play the quitting game with her that I have done for so many years.
That was just over six months ago and I have done it so far with just the help of SR and one old drinking buddy who is also under the quit or get out ultimatum. He has just over three years and has done it without any outside help except his kids so I kinda look at him for inspiration.
It can be done on your own so have faith in yourself.
Perhaps in a few months, when the man you love sees you sober and serious about your sobriety, may see it in his heart to forgive you and try to resume the relationship with you, the person he fell in love with in the first place.
I wish you all the best. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
least,
i am determined to find my way back to stability and inner peace. funny thing is, when i was young, i always hated the way drinking made me feel out of control. Don't know when I crossed over the line to needing the numbness it granted me.
i know SR will be enormously helpful.
i am determined to find my way back to stability and inner peace. funny thing is, when i was young, i always hated the way drinking made me feel out of control. Don't know when I crossed over the line to needing the numbness it granted me.
i know SR will be enormously helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
Hey Fub, thanks for the words of inspiration.
ya know, I don't know what will happen with he and I in the future. The only thing I can participate in is me right now. That is my focus.
Congratulations on six months. A relationship with alcohol is an empty relationship. You chose correctly
Some of us don't learn so quick....
ya know, I don't know what will happen with he and I in the future. The only thing I can participate in is me right now. That is my focus.
Congratulations on six months. A relationship with alcohol is an empty relationship. You chose correctly
Some of us don't learn so quick....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
hey Nut congrats on the year. wow. i hope to see what that feeling is like.
i just realized that i was hugely wrong about something in my original thread. it just dawned on me. my divorce WAS alcohol related. my ex and I got married because we were basically drinking an paryting buddies and great housemates. it wasn't about shared goals, or love or commitment. our shared goal and interest and commitment was stolichnaya martini's and partying. not much to build a relationship on or sustain one, but apparently enough to stay quite awhile.
congrats on the year. wow. i hope to see what that feeling is like.i just realized that i was hugely wrong about something in my original thread. it just dawned on me. my divorce WAS alcohol related. my ex and I got married because we were basically drinking an paryting buddies and great housemates. it wasn't about shared goals, or love or commitment. our shared goal and interest and commitment was stolichnaya martini's and partying. not much to build a relationship on or sustain one, but apparently enough to stay quite awhile.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
You can feel what it's like. You gotta want it though...and you gotta protect it.
We're here....please stick tight.
Oh, and about your realization to your post....the longer you are sober, the more those realizations hit you. Take care.
We're here....please stick tight.
Oh, and about your realization to your post....the longer you are sober, the more those realizations hit you.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
I want it badly this time. I know it won't be easy, but I am a determined.
"Quitting" in my mind on previous occasions was switching from Stolli to wine, or red wine to white wine, or cutting back to six bottles a week instead of seven. LOL, now there's a quit for you. I'd tell everyone else I quit too. Wonder who I was trying to fool?
"Quitting" in my mind on previous occasions was switching from Stolli to wine, or red wine to white wine, or cutting back to six bottles a week instead of seven. LOL, now there's a quit for you. I'd tell everyone else I quit too. Wonder who I was trying to fool?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
Welcome Rider, the people here dont insist on any particular program. They may suggest giving AA a try, but thats about it. Plenty of people on this site not doing AA or NA. Feel free to read around into any of the open forums, including the Adult children of Alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Welcome back & thank you for your heartfelt share. Try to stay connected with us this time around, we need each others support.
We have had a lot of people coming to the forum who need to hear your share, the subject of "can I still drink" "moderate" etc. is coming up over & over and they need to hear about the ramifications of that kind of thinking.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss & look forward to watching you grow into your recovery with us.
Take Care,
NB
We have had a lot of people coming to the forum who need to hear your share, the subject of "can I still drink" "moderate" etc. is coming up over & over and they need to hear about the ramifications of that kind of thinking.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss & look forward to watching you grow into your recovery with us.
Take Care,
NB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
ohhhh Carol...I did not tell my doctor the total truth about my drinking. The last time I saw him was a couple of months ago....denial I guess, or embarrassment. He did say "one five ounce glass of wine a day is okay." I laughed and said "what's the point of drinking one glass?" Now I no longer have a doctor, nor health insurance for that matter.
New Beginning, thanks for the welcome! I went to a party last night and had a great time. i did not drink those lovely vodka and lemonades that were being served. They were calling to me, but I just had the lemonade. Did not come home and call or email my ex-BF so that part of not drinking is a huge relief. I do want to talk to him very badly, but maybe I need to wait for more time to go by. It's hard to redeem oneself from "total idiot" status.
Have lots of anxiety today, am making tofu, yogurt, lechithin, brewer's yeast, banana shakes for breakfast to try and get some food in me and up my B vitamins. I don't think I have been absorbing nutrients very well the past few years. I've always been slender but now I am super-slender.
New Beginning, thanks for the welcome! I went to a party last night and had a great time. i did not drink those lovely vodka and lemonades that were being served. They were calling to me, but I just had the lemonade
. Did not come home and call or email my ex-BF so that part of not drinking is a huge relief. I do want to talk to him very badly, but maybe I need to wait for more time to go by. It's hard to redeem oneself from "total idiot" status.Have lots of anxiety today, am making tofu, yogurt, lechithin, brewer's yeast, banana shakes for breakfast to try and get some food in me and up my B vitamins. I don't think I have been absorbing nutrients very well the past few years. I've always been slender but now I am super-slender.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 107
I am so with you on the wanting to contact the ex, but needing time to go by. I love my ex dearly, but after a week of horrendous pain and barely thinking I was going to make it, have decided that I don't want to be with him again romantically, even though he dumped me. I don't really know if it was related to my using- frankly, I was mainly a pill addict, I drank on nights he was away, so I don't know if he knew I had relapsed. I do know that when he ended the relationship I went crazy on him and I sent him some very cruel alcohol fueled messages. I do want to at some point tell him how sorry I am and hope to part on friendly terms- I am the type of person who is good at staying friends with exes, but in addition to giving him some time to cool, I think I should get some more sobriety under my belt for a few months so I can stay strong and clear headed. If reconciling with your ex eventually is what you want, I hope very much that it happens. I think what another poster said, that you will be a very different woman sober, and I'm sure he will see that. Best of luck.
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