Children of addicts-perspective?

Old 07-19-2009, 01:07 AM
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Children of addicts-perspective?

Hi all, I am new to this forum, but so glad that I found it. I haven't been to a Naranon mtg in over 1 year but am in desperate need of going. Glad I got to re-read some of the material on here.

I do have a question though: how do you come to peace with what the addict in your life does to their children? It is my sister who I speak of-whose 7 year old son lived with me for over a year and has always been a big part of my life. As of the last 9 mo. or so she will not allow me to see him at all as she knows that she is back in active addiction (I know CPS has been involved often as well) and I think she is afraid of me trying aking him away from her. I have been round and round with her and there isn't any reasoning, but I would like to have some "tools" on how to view the kids involved with the addict. I am not sure if it is even healthy for me to try to see him anymore as she is soo difficult/bizarre to deal with. It keeps me up at night worrying about my nephew and I cry about it at times too.
Any words of wisdom would be helpful, thank you,
Paula2009
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Old 07-19-2009, 12:06 PM
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sorry for your struggle but glad you found SR

My thought is, if the childs parent is an active addict.......someone needs to be involved. CPS may not know the entire situation, if your willing and able to step in then maybe you could contact CPS...........she should be afraid of him being taken away,,,,,,,,,,,,,,for his safety he shouldnt be living with an active addict. But if not you then someone. Maybe him being taken from her would be the bottom she needs to find help for herself.............many dont even after losing their kids....... but maybe

best wishes others with more wisdom and advice should be along soon
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Old 07-19-2009, 12:17 PM
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I finally gave up after 5 years of getting nowhere, but I burned up the phone lines those 5 years to CPS in regards to my granddaughter and her mother (my AD).

The children don't have a voice.

:ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 07-19-2009, 04:51 PM
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Cps

My husband and I would take him back in a heartbeat and I have also burned up the phone lines to CPS (among others). I don't know what it would take for them to take him. Does anyone know? Also-I am not sure if they'd give him to me since I am in a different county. But, it is killing me--I find myself just brokenhearted half the time thinking about what he is going through everyday. Especially after he was soo happy and well adjusted living at our house and visiting us. Anytime I see him at a birthday party or family function; he tells me that he wants me to come to his house and he wants to go with us places, ect: I write him letters, send him things (games, books, ect), and ask her to visit him at least once a week. She always has a lame excuse why not.
It just hurts so much knowing what she is doing to him and drives me insane that she can't see it.
Also, they just got evicted from their place and has admitted to another one of my sisters that she has been "back on pills" for over a year! Dah! Does she think we didn't already know. Anyway-any advice/support you can give is greatly appreciated, thank you,
Paula
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:46 PM
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Hi Paula. Sorry but I have to say that you really don't know a fraction of what he's going through. My parents are both addicts, they have been since before I can remember, and one thing you should know about us (the most important I think) is that we are TRAINED to shut up. If we talk to anyone about our family or parents we get in so much trouble. Every time we have to talk to someone, CPS or a phycologist or even an outside family member, we are questioned when we're alone again. Repeatedly.

The one and only time I offered information to someone I was 7 years old. It was to a school nurse. She contacted my Mom and I recieved my first (but by no means my last) lecture on "Family Business Isn't Anyone Elses Buisiness" And then I was spanked and grounded.

If you do get custody of him (and I hope you do), know that he will probably never tell you the whole truth, not becouse he wants to lie, but because it's so ingrained in him that it's second nature, like breathing. And you'll need to work on his confidence. There's an overwhelming loss of control that comes with being the child of an addict. He will also probably try to get that feeling of control back in other ways. That can come as obsessive planning, eating disorder, body modification (peircing, tattoo, hair dye), being a neat freak, or just generally trying to control everyone around him.

These tend to show up when we're a little older, mine showed up around 15. There's a forum here called Adult Childern of Addicted and Alcholic Parents (it won't let me post the link, I tried, sorry) there may be more people there who can offer you insight as to what it was like when we were younger and how best to deal with that.

Lots of love and hope,
Riane
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Old 07-22-2009, 03:26 PM
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Where do I go from here?

Hi Riane, Thank you for your perspective. Wow-I always worry about him and what he goes through. Did you live with your parents your entire life or did you ever live with a relative?
I want him to come back to live with me so badly, but don't know how to get him back. Also, he was soo happy with us and had great confidence.

What do I do to get him out of there??? I have called CPS umtine times and talked to family members, ect: Talking to my sister is completely useless cause the more I point out what she is doing the less she lets me see him (which these days is hardly ever). I love him more than you can imagine as he lived with me from 3yrs until 4 1/2 and visited on weekends for 2 yrs after. He is such a good boy and honest too.

Please help, Paula
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Old 07-22-2009, 07:14 PM
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MY nephew was taken away by CPS last May. CPS has been called for over 4 years by family members, teachers, counselors, finally the police when SIL got arrested in March. My SIL got arrested for writing her own prescriptions for pills. If you can somehow get the school or the cops involved you might have a chance.
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Old 07-22-2009, 09:43 PM
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Paula,

I'm replying here because for some reason my PM didn't go through. To my knowledge, they almost never remove a child from their birth parents unless they have hard proof of physical danger. In my experience emotional and mental don't count. It makes no sense, but that's my experience.

My other major advice is not to do this halfway. Do not pursue this unless you are willing to take responsibility for this child permanently. And really sit down and think about what that means. I was taken away from my mother when I was 11. This was after living for months in a house with no heat or water. Only the living room had a broken kerosene heater which spewed more soot than actual heat and it wasn't until the week before Christmas that they took me. I remember waking up with black rings around my eyes, nose and mouth from the soot. And I couldn't wash my face until I was already at school, so they reported it and that was that.

After that I went to live with my aunt but she only kept me for 9 months before she decided she couldn't take care of a 12 year old anymore. Then I went back to my parents, which wasn't a very good thing, but at least it wasn't foster care. So, my point is, if you really want this, think it through. I realize that this sounds like me ranting about my crappy childhood, but I honestly don't think that's what this is. I've never had an opportunity to potentially help a child in a similar situation. I find myself unusually motivated.

Hoping things get better,
Riane
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Old 07-27-2009, 03:55 PM
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I actually talked to her caseworker this past week (who has been involved since last time she got out of rehab 2 1/2 yrs ago). I told her everything I knew, ect: She is a great lady who I know cares about my nephew and has seen him when he was happy (when I had him and when mom was in NA). I told her that was why I called her cause I know she cares. I also told her that my husband and I would take him in if/when he is removed from the home. She said that would be possible despite us living in a diff. county.
My husband and I don't need 2 seconds to think about taking him back-I have countless pics of when he lived with me and how awesome he looked. I can still remember holding him in my arms to fall asleep some nights. Some of my family members have said that I am "too attached" to him at times and have told me to "let him go"; but I can't and won't. Maybe cause I don't have any children of my own and he was my first "baby". Him and I have always shared a special bond too. Whenever I get to to a family function and he is there, he comes right over and hugs me and says he wants me to come to his house and take him places, ect: He is my little sweetheart. Here I am ranting, but I guess there is no way to express the way I feel about that little guy...thanks for listening...
I think next time I see him, if I hear anything bad or he doesn't look happy-I will really fight and do and say what I need to get him out,
Paula
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Old 07-27-2009, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Rianestorm View Post
and one thing you should know about us (the most important I think) is that we are TRAINED to shut up. If we talk to anyone about our family or parents we get in so much trouble. Every time we have to talk to someone, CPS or a phycologist or even an outside family member, we are questioned when we're alone again. Repeatedly.

lecture on "Family Business Isn't Anyone Elses Buisiness"
My thoughts exactly...

I lived with my addict father for 15 years with my mom and sister and then for another 2 years (nearly 3) by myself with him and the amount of emotional trauma (or physical trauma in some cases) is beyond anyone's comprehension except those who've gone through themselves, in my opinion. I can't say I wish CPS had taken me away because that's really not a better alternative if you think about it from a child's perspective, but overall I think it would have helped me more than I would have realized.
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Old 08-11-2009, 03:56 PM
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Paula, call a family practice attorney and get advice. Most attorneys will give you a 30 min free consultation. From my experience in the state I'm in, CPS told me point blank that they consider drug use as a "lifestyle choice" when I called about my concerns over my 1 yr old grandson who lived with his addict mother. The woman actually told me she has a client who is a meth addict and she takes very good care of her children. I was flabbergasted to say the least. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and my childhood was awful. I remember always wishing someone would come and rescue me but no one ever came. I knew I could never allow my grandson to grow up in that enviroment. He is now 4 1/2 and through a series of events, he no longer lives with his mother and she has no visitation. We did not involve CPS. He is safe and lives in our home now. The other grandparents turned on us because they felt he should stay with her knowing she was an active addict and he was born with drugs in his system and she since has had another child born with drugs. When the judge heard all this, it was pretty much a no-brainer. Good luck. No matter what the outcome, know you've done what you can and just be there for him.
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