100Degrees

Hello Everyone,

So tonight I think God let me know whats up. A few hours ago I walked to the corner store to get more beer, walking because I was already half drunk. I should mention that I have to cross a 4 lane highway to get there. So I get my beer and leave, come up to the curb to wait for a chance to cross. As I go to step off the curb I slip and fall face first into on coming 60 mph traffic, beer cans go flying cars swerve and it dawns on me that I was almost killed tonight. You'd think that would be the only clue I need that I have a serious problem. What really brought it home for me is that I turned around and went back in the store and bought ANOTHER 12 pack. Reflecting on that is when I made the decision that this has to stop, now.

In the past 6 weeks, I've lost my girlfriend when I caught her cheating on me with a guy we worked with. I of course then lost that job because I couldn't take the pain of seeing them everyday. Then I lost another job just a week ago when my new boss decided to drop off the face of the earth because he owes every person he knows, literally every employee, every vendor, every utility, the owner of the property. Then I really dropped off the deep end.

Here I sit now on a stack of bills, two over drawn accounts, and at the end of about a week long anxiety attack / drinking binge. I have no idea how to approach this. I don't answer calls and hide when people knock on the door because I don't want anyone to see me this way.

I've managed to find a list of meetings in my area and there are several every day. I can't find any sort of information on how the program works though. Is there any sort of registration I have to do to sign up? I noticed that a few of them were listed as Beginner, and some were listed as Open and some Closed, some were also listed as for Men or Women only as well, and there were a few other classes too.

The other thing is no one really knows I have this problem and I don't want them too. I'm a pretty shy person and I'm having anxiety of going into a room of strangers and laying the whole sad truth out and I'm particularly scared of seeing anyone I know. On the other hand this intense lonliness is only fueling the problem. It's hard for me to see myself just walking into a strange place with strange people and baring my shame though. I don't even know how a meeting works. I think it would ease my mind a lot just to know what to expect. It's getting so bad though this week that need for food won't even get me out the door anymore, only need of alcohol and I just pray that no one I know will see me.

What should be scaring me even more though is the fact that this is going to kill me, whether by stumbling into traffic or heart attack. I've been drinking daily for about 7 years and I'm 30 now. I didn't usually drink to get completely smashed like I do now though. I've managed to quit once about 5 years ago for about 6 months. I just took a week off work and sat in my apartment determined that no matter how depressing it got or how bad the insomnia got I was gonna do it. Then I started thinking I could handle going out every once in a while and it didn't take long after that. One emotional vulnerability and I was relying on alcohol to sleep again.

Sorry this is so long. I told ya I was lonely . Honestly I'm already starting to feel a little less anxiety after just writing this and finding people to talk to who know what I'm going through. I'm really glad I found this place and I thank you all in advance for your support and advice and I'll gladly return what help I can to anyone else struggling with this.

brokenhalo

i'm sorry to hear about everything that is going on for you right now. i'm glad your taking a look at your drinking, and contemplating AA. i was dealing with the same fears a little over a week ago. it was very difficult to walk into a room full of strangers and admit i have a problem, but once i did i felt an initial relief. maybe you will, maybe you won't, but it doesn't hurt to try. i hear it's the hardest decision to make on the road to recovery. i wouldn't know since i'm not far enough along, but was hard...but worth it thus far. i hope you check for yourself.

take care,

bh

Gypsy Feet

Ive never done a meeting, but lots of people with experience will be along shortly to tell you how great they are. I would just like to welcome you=) I am sober 6+ months, and am truly happy about it AND, I haven't slept this well in memory!

vegibean

Hi 100. Welcome to SR!! Great site you found here. My heart goes out to you and your situation as I (and lot's of people here) have been in that situation.

Alcohol is a great big lie. You think you're drinking to "relax" and it really just makes the situation worse than it really is. Even the sleeping thing. I used to think that it helped me sleep. One week off alcohol and I found that I slept like a log.

Being in that financial situation is horrible as well and who really wants to live like that?

There is a better way. It takes a lot of work and willingness. But it can be done. If you read on you'll see that others have made it, myself included.

I drank non-stop and I had NO IDEA how I was going to go through life without alcohol???? I'll have two years in October. WOW!!!!!!

So glad you're here and hope you'll stick around. Glad you're still alive too. I promise you, if you do the work you can have a life that you'll back and say "amazing!!!!"

You can do this.

Keep coming back, keep posting, you found a really great place here. Welcome to SR!!

bohemianzen

hi 100
glad you are here - you aren't alone any longer. i understand too well how alone you can feel when you live alone. coming here has been wonderful. you will find a lot of support and also that things that have happened in your life and things you think -- well you aren't alone in those either. lots of us have been where you are. i can so relate about going back for another 12pk after almost being killed. i'm so sorry about your job situation - finding another job will boost your confidence -- i wish you luck.
i'm coming here for support and reading (and chat) and doing everything else otherwise offline to divert myself from picking up that first drink. if you can don't go around where you buy the stuff (i drive by my store every work day and usually turn my head and either sing or think of something else until i can get well by it) when you are home make a huge list of things you can be doing - i get a lot of ideas from this site and do what you can (anything that you can motivate yourself to do) and don't worry about what doesn't get done...just put it on the new list tomorrow and keep adding things on so you keep busy. also keep different types of things to drink in the house - juices, teas, etc. i'm making sure that i drink a lot of water at the moment -- some days are harder than others on that front but yesterday i actually drank 10 cups of water with no problem. and didn't even think about drinking beer (incredible! on a saturday)
hope this helps~best wishes
~zen

four812

now you want to stop drinking. that is good, and for me it was PAIN that drove me to want to change.

the problem quickly becomes how to 'stay stopped'. AA can help you with that....and you don't have to agree with everyone there, but there are people there that you will relate to and perhaps really come to appreciate.

there's no signing up

"the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking". that's it. and that is a pretty loose requirement.

may you keep an open mind and may you never quit quitting.

Dee74

Hi 100 degrees - my night was a lot like yours - fell out the bus gashed my head - still bought beer - got home, hit my head again...concussion....still drank beer.

Insanity.

The last 2 and a half years I've been sober have been amazing.
If I can do it, you can

Welcome to SR

Mark75

Hey 100degrees

You don't have to bare anything. You can share or not. You can introduce yourself or not. You can just sit and listen and learn.

I would suggest a beginners meeting, but that's not necessary. They are usually closed, but not always. I much preferred discussion meetings at first, but any meeting is better than sitting alone at home drinking.

If you feel up to it, it is a good idea to speak up when they ask if there is anybody here at AA for the first time... You just have to say your first name and, if it feels right, that you are alcoholic. The reason it's a good idea is that, especially if it's a beginner's meeting, people should be making some attempt to come up to you later and see how you are, maybe give you some phone numbers, hopefully make you feel welcome.

Each meeting has it's own personality. Go to several different meetings and find one that fits. I have 2 or 3 meetings I like a lot, there are a couple that I only went once or twice...

Just show up... Nothing to sign, no commitments, low key... Don't be afraid. Every single person at that meeting had their first meeting too! They understand... Oh very important!.... Get a "Big Book". This is essential, don't leave without one. Read and Reread it.... As you find a meeting group you like and get a feel for the people there, find a sponsor...

Mark

tamcor123

The only dues for membership is a desire to stop drinking, every human being is welcome and you only have to have the desire today you can resume drinking tomorrow. so i would walk in and give the AA a try it worked for me 13 years ago and still go to meeting regularly .But not only sober because anyone can get sober but can you get sober and stay happy and find rest and the answer is yes in AA which is all i know.:praying

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us. We do understand and that's why it is so good to come here, and I am always inspired when I do.

I think you are describing the insanity of addiction and seeing that you want to live a sober life. Good for you!

bjork

100Degrees-Welcome to SR!!!

I can't imagine how frightening falling into the road must've been. I'm sorry about the g/f and the jobs. Sounds like a pretty difficult situation. However, I think you are heading in the right direction to make it much more managable.

Stick around SR!!! You will find lots of support and understanding here to help you.

100Degrees

Thank you all for your support and advice. I've already managed to drag myself up and do stuff today. Already got another job I think.

One quick question. Anybody have pain in their arms and legs when they first stopped? I mean my thighs especially hurt like hell, sore. Just wondering if this is related or because I've been sitting on my ass for a week.

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR 100 Degrees.
When I quit drinking my legs were really sore and then I figured it out. I spent a LOT of time here on SR and I wasn't sitting in the right position so when I changed my posture it got better almost instantly so it could well be the way you are sitting around.
There is great support here for your quest.
I don't do face to face meetings but you sound like that these would help you to a great degree so you should give it a try. People there will definitely make you feel welcome and can aid you in your quest.
Good luck.

Freeport

We're all glad you're here 100degrees. The cornerstone of getting your life together should begin with understanding that there are no problems that drinking will not make worse. Stop drinking now and figure how you will maintain that sobriety. Follow the excellent advice of experienced people present on these boards to determine your long-term sobriety path. Please keep posting and let people here help you.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR 100degrees, let me see if I can answer some of your AA questions:

Well I could be a smart arse and say something like "It works very well if one works it!" but that would not be the right thing to say! LOL There is a chapter in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, chapter 5 which is called "How it Works", read it first, here is a link to the book online http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf I can gaurauntee you that you like everyone else who read it the first time will be left with more questions then answers. people in AA who have taken the steps can answer questions for you.

I encourage you to read the book though and to keep on readiing it.

Nope, as some one already said, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking, that is it! Show up and suit up! I was drunk on my butt my first meeting, so you do not even have to be sober, just respectful of others.

I would suggest to start at the beginning with beginners meetings and discussion meetings, if you know you are an alcoholic then you can go to both "Open" & "Closed" discussion meetings. if you are not sure then just go to the "Open" ones.

What do you have to loose going to meetings? Some time you could spend drinking or sitting alone thinking about drinking?

What do you have to gain? Well I can tell you what I gained by going to those meeting and eventually taking those steps, I gained a new and wonderful way of life, a life free of the bondage of my alcoholism and the ablity to live life on lifes terms sober and free.

That is what I thought until I had been sober and sane a while. Turns out the majority of people who KNEW me knew I had a problem but said nothing or they did but I did not hear them by choice. Think about it... would you rather be known as a drunk or a recovering alcoholic?

You do not have to say a word, I know one guy who went to a meeting EVERY day and never said a thing during a meeting until he had been sober a year! If some one ask you to share just say "No thanks, I am just listening tonight, I am new here."

If you do are you going to go out and tell every one you know "Guees who I saw at an AA meeting last night?". Of course not, just like they would say that either, because the very next question they would be aksed is "What were you doing at an AA meeting?". Now I will say this, today I have absolutley no shame or guilt in saying I am in AA and I am a recovering alcoholic, the vast majority of people I have told are proud of me for seeing I did have a problem and am doing something about it.

One of the very reasons so many of us die, we think we are alone when in fact there are millions of us! I have made true friends in AA, people who I can call at 3AM and tell them I have a problem and need help and they will get out of thier bed and come help me! Try that one with a drinking buddy!!!! Especially after they have been drinking all night! LOL

The only thing you need to know is you walk in the door, grab a cup of coffee, sit down in a chair and listen. No one does anything out of the ordinary, there are no rules in AA, you do not have to pray when others pray, you do not have to say you are an alcoholic, just be respectful of others in the meeting and do not go out telling evey one who you saw there or what people said there.

I had to be medically detoxed, I really do not remember very much those first 5 days without booze except the folks in detox telling me "If you want a chance at long term sobriety go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor."

A sponsors main funtion is to answer any questions you may have and to share thier experience, strength, & hope with you as they take you through the steps.

SomeCallMeTim

Tazman pretty much hit. But, the only way to really find out about AA is to go. Action is the key for me. Try to look at it this way, going to a meeting can't really make the situation worse can it? Sounds like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If you look at my intro post in this forum you'll see i'm there right now. I have nothing left because of my using/drinking. To be honest, 46 days ago i never thought i'd say this but, it's the best possible place i can be right now.

keithj

100Degrees,

Welcome to the site and thanks for your willingness. AA is not, nor ever claimed to be, the be all end all of recovery. It is simply a way that many others have recovered from a hopleless condition of alcoholism. The chapter in AA's Big Book, How It Works, begins by saying, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." My personal experience of recovery and my interactions with many other alcoholics has taught me that the opening statement is true. People that take the steps (thoroughly follow the path) recover.

Page 44 defines an alcoholic as "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."

So the key is to lay your very own personal experience up with what is described in the preceeding 43 pages. Do you have the same reaction to alcohol as described there? Do you have the same feelings and emotions? If you do, you may require a spiritual experience in order to recover.

Page 24 tells us that, "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

So, if you are without defense, you are screwed. Try whatever you want. Try to live better, try to be better, try moderating, try quitting, try whatever your conscience thinks you should try in order to either quit or manage your drinking. Still screwed. So now what?

"There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."

So now, there is a solution. It requires the leveling of pride, confession of shortcomings, and self-searching. And none of us likes doing it. But it works. Interested? If you are, the way to that solution is readily available.

Back to page 45, "Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?"

"Well, that´s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."

That's it. That's the nutshell version of how it works. You believe that, based on your own experience, you're screwed. And you become willing to do what others have done to recover. What they have done is contained in the pages of that Big Book.

All of the quoting may upset some people. Oh well. This might be the only time you hear this message. Everyone deserves that chance. What you do with it is up to you.

Quotes from AA Big Book, 1st Ed.