Guilt...!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Guilt...!
This is something that I live with, something is stuck inside of me that I must have done something very wrong somewhere along the line so I have to pay for it. I made a pack to myself that I have to do 3 kind things to people each day and maybe I will be forgiven. Whether it be hold a door open, let someone come a head of me in a grocery line or give someone an extra thank-you...I hope that this in return removes me for what I have done.
Yes I have moved on, got myself and my boys to a better place, but this guilt and the lonleyness of not having that special someone that I really long for. Yes I have posted about my friend, but I just don't have those special feelings towards him. I am starting to panic and wonder why after 6 years has someone not come into my life. Just what have I done, did I do my husband wrong?
Rose
Yes I have moved on, got myself and my boys to a better place, but this guilt and the lonleyness of not having that special someone that I really long for. Yes I have posted about my friend, but I just don't have those special feelings towards him. I am starting to panic and wonder why after 6 years has someone not come into my life. Just what have I done, did I do my husband wrong?
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Well something to consider, but maybe it has all been about me? To much about me, maybe time to give back? Maybe I took to much, wanted it all, I have a home, the children, job, friends. Did I give enough consideration to somene who is sick and just turned my back on him, took it all and went on with my life. But then again he still had it all while we were married and more and it was just one circle.
I was truly scared that there was going to be someway he was going to put us out of our home...but was that just my imagination going. I do know that I was struggling and my health was going down.
His family has no respect for me what so ever, think the more I did to him the worse I made him, no not what I did to him what I cut him off of. But the more I did the worse it got, or so I thought.....was I wrong and not in a right state of mink either? I was freaked out and had to do what I had to do. I wanted my boys to survive, the only way I could do it was to fight for the home sell it and down size. That way I had some means to help them out, the youngest just finished his 1st year of heavy duty mechanics, the oldest working fulltime in a mill....but did I desert someone sick in need of help.....
I spent 3 to 4 years standing by his side, through courts, jail, no food or rent, but what I gave didn't do one bit of good. Cut him off, still going his things....his family thinks that I left him out to dry
Well like I posted, I did talk to him and yes we had a great conversation, there was nothing in his converstion that led me to beleive he was high, he did say he has been clean for over a year, maybe he might have a beer or two three or four times a year but no more than 2. No drugs in over a year, but like I said, he wasn't playiing this feel sorry for me game. He said he works long days in a camp working on the pipeline, the heat really get to him and he get over exhausted, get the headache going on and becomes sick to his stomach, something that always did happen to him even in are best years. He said things will never be the same with him, I was his sole mate, but he puts that to the back of his mind and make the best out of life of what he can, but the sorrow at times is to much.
I stayed silent for a bit and he said are you there, yes I am here. I said this should have never happened to us, oh god he said you were my life, nobody can ever take your place and I miss those boys more than anyone could ever imagine.
What he did not say, nor did I try and make him say it.......I had a drug problem that distroyed our lives. Though he did say he cleaned up.
I don't want to be enemies with him, how could I, nor do I want him back, but that one on one conversation normal made me happy, plus having some laughs...but he cried after we laughed, Carol he said you are and have been one of a kind and once a week I cry, but I know that was my passed and I would only hope that you give me a call here and there and I can give you a call. He said I so enjoyed talking with you. Yes I said it was really nice talking with you to.
Not that next time I will expect such a comforting conversation, my best wishes for him is that his straightens out, because he was a good man and that devil drug got him, he talked about age what he has left he has to make the best of...biut we all know what is said and what really comes out of it. I will give him a call in a couple of weeks, he is so far from me, but really if he wants to let it out, not play the blame game, plus he askes about me and the boys * I see know harm. He to was my sole mate....but yesterday was yestersay....if he is whacked in the nexted converation well, so be it.
Plus how would one know if you are in for a 1 year go or a 10 go or a never ending go of it, the worries that consume you and the never knowing. Well when you start recovery and it starts to sink in, you start to look after you. My giving grace was I have to do what I Have to do what I have to do today. Should one day down the road all seems fine I have the choose of going back. Depends on the time, how far you have come, for me, No, not again him in my everyday life, but a chit chat, normal I will do. I still love my addict, but I will not have the front row seat again.
Maybe I should have stuck in thier but I had to make some moves, I am sorry he is where he is...but I think he knows, but he has yet to say he had a drug problem, I am not going to wait for it and at this point even through the great conversations, he still will not say drugs took and lost our family.
Rose
Bu
Rose
I was truly scared that there was going to be someway he was going to put us out of our home...but was that just my imagination going. I do know that I was struggling and my health was going down.
His family has no respect for me what so ever, think the more I did to him the worse I made him, no not what I did to him what I cut him off of. But the more I did the worse it got, or so I thought.....was I wrong and not in a right state of mink either? I was freaked out and had to do what I had to do. I wanted my boys to survive, the only way I could do it was to fight for the home sell it and down size. That way I had some means to help them out, the youngest just finished his 1st year of heavy duty mechanics, the oldest working fulltime in a mill....but did I desert someone sick in need of help.....
I spent 3 to 4 years standing by his side, through courts, jail, no food or rent, but what I gave didn't do one bit of good. Cut him off, still going his things....his family thinks that I left him out to dry
Well like I posted, I did talk to him and yes we had a great conversation, there was nothing in his converstion that led me to beleive he was high, he did say he has been clean for over a year, maybe he might have a beer or two three or four times a year but no more than 2. No drugs in over a year, but like I said, he wasn't playiing this feel sorry for me game. He said he works long days in a camp working on the pipeline, the heat really get to him and he get over exhausted, get the headache going on and becomes sick to his stomach, something that always did happen to him even in are best years. He said things will never be the same with him, I was his sole mate, but he puts that to the back of his mind and make the best out of life of what he can, but the sorrow at times is to much.
I stayed silent for a bit and he said are you there, yes I am here. I said this should have never happened to us, oh god he said you were my life, nobody can ever take your place and I miss those boys more than anyone could ever imagine.
What he did not say, nor did I try and make him say it.......I had a drug problem that distroyed our lives. Though he did say he cleaned up.
I don't want to be enemies with him, how could I, nor do I want him back, but that one on one conversation normal made me happy, plus having some laughs...but he cried after we laughed, Carol he said you are and have been one of a kind and once a week I cry, but I know that was my passed and I would only hope that you give me a call here and there and I can give you a call. He said I so enjoyed talking with you. Yes I said it was really nice talking with you to.
Not that next time I will expect such a comforting conversation, my best wishes for him is that his straightens out, because he was a good man and that devil drug got him, he talked about age what he has left he has to make the best of...biut we all know what is said and what really comes out of it. I will give him a call in a couple of weeks, he is so far from me, but really if he wants to let it out, not play the blame game, plus he askes about me and the boys * I see know harm. He to was my sole mate....but yesterday was yestersay....if he is whacked in the nexted converation well, so be it.
Plus how would one know if you are in for a 1 year go or a 10 go or a never ending go of it, the worries that consume you and the never knowing. Well when you start recovery and it starts to sink in, you start to look after you. My giving grace was I have to do what I Have to do what I have to do today. Should one day down the road all seems fine I have the choose of going back. Depends on the time, how far you have come, for me, No, not again him in my everyday life, but a chit chat, normal I will do. I still love my addict, but I will not have the front row seat again.
Maybe I should have stuck in thier but I had to make some moves, I am sorry he is where he is...but I think he knows, but he has yet to say he had a drug problem, I am not going to wait for it and at this point even through the great conversations, he still will not say drugs took and lost our family.
Rose
Bu
Rose
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Oh Rose... you did what was best for you at the time. You know how to take care of you. I have read your posts and watched you fight for sanity and peace. I can relate to feeling like maybe I was too hard on the guy. Maybe I had expectations that were too high. We all want to believe that maybe he has changed... not impossible... but you are looking for the "right" clues that don't seem to be there. Acceptance and admitting that he played a role in the demise of your family. Sounds like he still doesn't see what happened... if he can't see it, IMO then he will repeat it.
It stinks to be alone... I know... but every day I thank God that I at least am being true to me and that I was strong enough to do what I knew was right. May not be fun.. and may be lonely... but in my head I know that I don't belong in a marriage like I had... neither do you.
One day at a time. Be kind to others and be kind to you. You deserve it... hang in!
It stinks to be alone... I know... but every day I thank God that I at least am being true to me and that I was strong enough to do what I knew was right. May not be fun.. and may be lonely... but in my head I know that I don't belong in a marriage like I had... neither do you.
One day at a time. Be kind to others and be kind to you. You deserve it... hang in!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rose, you and I both know that nothing we did or didn't do, nothing we said or left unsaid, nothing we begged and cried for, did one lick of good...and that is because you and I are powerless over others' addictions.
If love and good behaviour could save any addict, not one of us would be here.
So please, put down the guilt and shame stick and give yourself a big hug. You went through all you went through, doing the best you could and in the end you closed the door on a room that was already empty.
Live well, today, Rose, because each day brings its own gifts and we mustn't be too busy fretting to notice. Take time to just do something special for you, and let God handle the rest, just for today.
Big Hugs
If love and good behaviour could save any addict, not one of us would be here.
So please, put down the guilt and shame stick and give yourself a big hug. You went through all you went through, doing the best you could and in the end you closed the door on a room that was already empty.
Live well, today, Rose, because each day brings its own gifts and we mustn't be too busy fretting to notice. Take time to just do something special for you, and let God handle the rest, just for today.
Big Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 07-19-2009 at 04:12 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Rose...
You know...we've both been around SR for a long time. We both lost our marriage to addiction. We both had to leave the marriage and learn to enforce boundaries. We didn't do it to punish our spouses. I don't think either one of us particularly wanted to do it but we had to. We had to do it if we had any chance of raising our sons in a healthy environment away from the constant insanity and chaos of addiction. And both of us have made big strides and improved our lives and the lives of our children by making the tough choices.
Do I sometimes look back with regret? Yes. I regret that things didn't turn out like I had hoped and dreamed when I married my exah. I regret that I waited so long to take control of my life and that it took me so long to figure out that leaving was the only answer. I regret that I didn't love myself more and respect myself more to do something before I did. I regret alot of things Rose but I don't for a minute regret the fact that I stood up for myself and made some difficult changes in my life and actually managed to improve my life and the life of my son. And, you know what else?...my exah has been clean for quite a while now too...and I really don't know if that would have happened if I had stayed where I was. He might be dead now if I had continued to enable so who's to say that my decisions..although they were primarily intended to benefit me and our son...didn't also have the effect of improving my exah's life as well?
Watching your marriage...watching your spouse...and the father of your children...fall into addiction has to be one of the most frightening, confusing, scary things a woman can go thru. The only thing that could be (and probably is) harder is watching your child do it. There are no easy answers. There are no rules about how the situation should be handled. The only thing I know for certain is that it takes ALOT of strength and alot of courage to do what we did. So what if his family thinks you were wrong. Their opinion doesn't matter Rose. The only 'person' you have to answer to is yourself and your HP. In my case, I happen to believe that my HP understands why I did what I did and that he actually helped me do it when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own.
Put down that guilt stick Rose. And focus your attention on all the blessings in your life. You're right where you're suppposed to be right now...and the only thing guilt will do is weigh you down in your journey and make you look back when you should be looking forward. Toss it aside my dear Rose !!
You know...we've both been around SR for a long time. We both lost our marriage to addiction. We both had to leave the marriage and learn to enforce boundaries. We didn't do it to punish our spouses. I don't think either one of us particularly wanted to do it but we had to. We had to do it if we had any chance of raising our sons in a healthy environment away from the constant insanity and chaos of addiction. And both of us have made big strides and improved our lives and the lives of our children by making the tough choices.
Do I sometimes look back with regret? Yes. I regret that things didn't turn out like I had hoped and dreamed when I married my exah. I regret that I waited so long to take control of my life and that it took me so long to figure out that leaving was the only answer. I regret that I didn't love myself more and respect myself more to do something before I did. I regret alot of things Rose but I don't for a minute regret the fact that I stood up for myself and made some difficult changes in my life and actually managed to improve my life and the life of my son. And, you know what else?...my exah has been clean for quite a while now too...and I really don't know if that would have happened if I had stayed where I was. He might be dead now if I had continued to enable so who's to say that my decisions..although they were primarily intended to benefit me and our son...didn't also have the effect of improving my exah's life as well?
Watching your marriage...watching your spouse...and the father of your children...fall into addiction has to be one of the most frightening, confusing, scary things a woman can go thru. The only thing that could be (and probably is) harder is watching your child do it. There are no easy answers. There are no rules about how the situation should be handled. The only thing I know for certain is that it takes ALOT of strength and alot of courage to do what we did. So what if his family thinks you were wrong. Their opinion doesn't matter Rose. The only 'person' you have to answer to is yourself and your HP. In my case, I happen to believe that my HP understands why I did what I did and that he actually helped me do it when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own.
Put down that guilt stick Rose. And focus your attention on all the blessings in your life. You're right where you're suppposed to be right now...and the only thing guilt will do is weigh you down in your journey and make you look back when you should be looking forward. Toss it aside my dear Rose !!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Rose - my dear - i have always felt that there was something so gentle about you - you are such a caring and kind person. My happiness is my own responsibility - not others - if i want to be happy then its up to me to seek it - it has nothing to do with anyone else - HP (whatever that may be for you) does not punish us for mistakes or hold things against us. never settle for less than you want - be patient because love comes when we least expect it.
I want to share with you my sister's story:
My sister is 46 years old. She was divorced over twenty years ago. All her life she made her focus her son because that was her first responsbility(he is now 21 and an adult). She didnt date much at all and never introduced her son to anyone she casually dated - in fact i think her son has only met two men that she has dated over the last 20 years. At one point about 10 years ago she fell i love with a man and they became engaged. As she got to know him she found that he had some problems she just couldnt live with. He still saw his ex wife (always had some great excuse) but she suspected he was still sleeping with her. He also had a lot of financial problems. So she gave him 6 months. She said in 6 months you need to cut ties with your ex and get your finances in order - if you do not I will not marry you. Well he didnt do any of it and she broke it off. She was devestated because she loved him very much but she knew that marrying him would mean that his problems became her's and she didnt want that - she was not going to settle for less than she wanted. that is not selfish - that is realistic because she is responsble for her own happiness.
10 more years go by and a friend of her's was having surgery. This friend gave her a list of emails for family and friends and asked her to keep them updated on her status. So my sister would email each night to the list of people. One particular person on the list sarted emailing her back and next thing you know they are email pen pals. He is in the air force and stationed in England. My sister planned a girls trip to Europe so while there they stopped to meet in person. Since that time she has flown to england, france, new york - all over the place whenever he had leave. Last Christmas in England he proposed to her. crazy thing is his family is from our town so when they do get married and he retires from the air force they will be living here. He is a wonderful man - she wasnt looking for him but they found each other in the most extrodinary way.
I have never been more happy for someone falling in ove then i am my sister. She went about her life and decided that if God had someone in mind for her that he would bring that man to her. She never sweated it - she just had faith and patience. She always said that if God wanted her to be alone then that is what she would do. She didnt feel punished because she divorced her husband - she just accepted where she was and went forward - she knew that God forgave her for her mistakes and therefore if God could forgive her then she certainly could forgive herself.
I want to share with you my sister's story:
My sister is 46 years old. She was divorced over twenty years ago. All her life she made her focus her son because that was her first responsbility(he is now 21 and an adult). She didnt date much at all and never introduced her son to anyone she casually dated - in fact i think her son has only met two men that she has dated over the last 20 years. At one point about 10 years ago she fell i love with a man and they became engaged. As she got to know him she found that he had some problems she just couldnt live with. He still saw his ex wife (always had some great excuse) but she suspected he was still sleeping with her. He also had a lot of financial problems. So she gave him 6 months. She said in 6 months you need to cut ties with your ex and get your finances in order - if you do not I will not marry you. Well he didnt do any of it and she broke it off. She was devestated because she loved him very much but she knew that marrying him would mean that his problems became her's and she didnt want that - she was not going to settle for less than she wanted. that is not selfish - that is realistic because she is responsble for her own happiness.
10 more years go by and a friend of her's was having surgery. This friend gave her a list of emails for family and friends and asked her to keep them updated on her status. So my sister would email each night to the list of people. One particular person on the list sarted emailing her back and next thing you know they are email pen pals. He is in the air force and stationed in England. My sister planned a girls trip to Europe so while there they stopped to meet in person. Since that time she has flown to england, france, new york - all over the place whenever he had leave. Last Christmas in England he proposed to her. crazy thing is his family is from our town so when they do get married and he retires from the air force they will be living here. He is a wonderful man - she wasnt looking for him but they found each other in the most extrodinary way.
I have never been more happy for someone falling in ove then i am my sister. She went about her life and decided that if God had someone in mind for her that he would bring that man to her. She never sweated it - she just had faith and patience. She always said that if God wanted her to be alone then that is what she would do. She didnt feel punished because she divorced her husband - she just accepted where she was and went forward - she knew that God forgave her for her mistakes and therefore if God could forgive her then she certainly could forgive herself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Hi Rose, I just want to say that I think you did the right thing. I know deep down that I need to do similar myself and it is as you know very HARD. Reading stories like yours help me move closer to taking the steps I need to in order protect me. Thank you for being strong and showing me a good example. You may be lonely at times, but if your life was at all like mine is now I am lonely in the relationship...along with a host of other stressors and unhappy feelings! I liked the last posting, life does have a way of coming thru to meet our needs. Just not always on our estimated timeline. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
Rose I don't know you like the others here but I want to share something with you that really helped me out. On Friday at my home group alanon meeting I brought up guilt as a topic, because I just told my AW I wanted out of the marriage for good (she did the suicide threat thing) I felt like it was the right choice for me, but I felt absolutely horrible afterwards. Anyway there were three things that were shared during the meeting that made me feel completely different.
1. When you detatch from someone you are doing it for a very good reason.
2. Guilt is just another form of control, if you feel guilty then you still have that feeling that you have control over other people. (this really hit me hard, because I had never thought of guilt as a preverse form of my controlling nature).
3. Sometimes we need to detach from ourselves as well as the additcs in our lives. (this hit me hard too, becuase sometime I get so emotionally envolved in my own life that I forget that I am a human not GOD).
I really do feel for you though. And I hope that these things that made me feel better help you in anyway.
1. When you detatch from someone you are doing it for a very good reason.
2. Guilt is just another form of control, if you feel guilty then you still have that feeling that you have control over other people. (this really hit me hard, because I had never thought of guilt as a preverse form of my controlling nature).
3. Sometimes we need to detach from ourselves as well as the additcs in our lives. (this hit me hard too, becuase sometime I get so emotionally envolved in my own life that I forget that I am a human not GOD).
I really do feel for you though. And I hope that these things that made me feel better help you in anyway.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Rose,
I have never been in your position, since it is my son that is the addict/alcoholic in my life. Many times through the years I have thought that as horribly devastating as it is to have my child be in this position, I'm certain that I would never been able to handle it if it were my husband & the father of my children, for many many reasons. I don't believe that one is worse than the other, just a whole different ballgame. I've met many women that have had to contend with both scenerios. I can't even imagine such. So my point is that I don't feel that you should feel guilty about how you handled the situation because when you are dealing with an addict loved one, it is the most devastating, heart breaking, head spinning trauma that anyone could ever imagine or really Never imagine happening in their life. It's all completely unfathomable !!!!
I really don't see that there is a perfectly right or wrong way to handle such as that. I know that I have personally as a Mother, tried to handle things by giving alot of support & encouragement to my son, many times & in many ways and then I've tried to handle things by doing alot of things in the opposite way, like reverse psychology, and even shame-on-yous and anything else that most anyone can imagine, nothing has helped one bit. I've had several emotional breakdowns through all of this, to my own detriment. I have made many many mistakes and said some really horrible things and acted in some really uncivilized ways throughout this trauma, and while I am very embarassed and I wish that I'd been able to handle things in a stronger and more sane way, I really believe that under the circumstances, being only human, there would have been no possible way for anyone, especially not me, to ever be able to do any better than I did, at the time in my life that all of this took place, or any time, for that matter. I did do the very best I could with all of the contributing factors in my life at the time. And I am very sure that you did too.
As family members of addicts and alcoholics, I believe with all my heart, that we have been traumatized, terrorized & abused, more than anyone could ever ever deserve, no matter what their mistakes may be, so I know that No One deserves any of this. I certainly think that we surely shouldn't punish & beat ourselves up, on top of all that we've endured and survived. Please be kind to yourself. You did the best that you could, under the circumstances, at the time.
(((((((((((((((((((((Supportive & Understanding Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
I have never been in your position, since it is my son that is the addict/alcoholic in my life. Many times through the years I have thought that as horribly devastating as it is to have my child be in this position, I'm certain that I would never been able to handle it if it were my husband & the father of my children, for many many reasons. I don't believe that one is worse than the other, just a whole different ballgame. I've met many women that have had to contend with both scenerios. I can't even imagine such. So my point is that I don't feel that you should feel guilty about how you handled the situation because when you are dealing with an addict loved one, it is the most devastating, heart breaking, head spinning trauma that anyone could ever imagine or really Never imagine happening in their life. It's all completely unfathomable !!!!
I really don't see that there is a perfectly right or wrong way to handle such as that. I know that I have personally as a Mother, tried to handle things by giving alot of support & encouragement to my son, many times & in many ways and then I've tried to handle things by doing alot of things in the opposite way, like reverse psychology, and even shame-on-yous and anything else that most anyone can imagine, nothing has helped one bit. I've had several emotional breakdowns through all of this, to my own detriment. I have made many many mistakes and said some really horrible things and acted in some really uncivilized ways throughout this trauma, and while I am very embarassed and I wish that I'd been able to handle things in a stronger and more sane way, I really believe that under the circumstances, being only human, there would have been no possible way for anyone, especially not me, to ever be able to do any better than I did, at the time in my life that all of this took place, or any time, for that matter. I did do the very best I could with all of the contributing factors in my life at the time. And I am very sure that you did too.
As family members of addicts and alcoholics, I believe with all my heart, that we have been traumatized, terrorized & abused, more than anyone could ever ever deserve, no matter what their mistakes may be, so I know that No One deserves any of this. I certainly think that we surely shouldn't punish & beat ourselves up, on top of all that we've endured and survived. Please be kind to yourself. You did the best that you could, under the circumstances, at the time.
(((((((((((((((((((((Supportive & Understanding Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Guilt and worry have always been part of me, even before my exah had this problem.
Something that I so need to work on, I worry myself out if someone seems off with me, thinking that I have done or said something wrong.
A year or so ago I was at a friends house, parked out front on the side of the road, her neighbours son backed out his driveway right into my car and put a pretty good dent in it. His mom was so upset and said she would pay for it. She was just a single mom, I felt so bad for her, then thought well maybe my car should not have been there. I felt so guilty and upset for the mom that I went to her and told her not to worry about it, the car is older and not worth much, I wasn't even going to bother with getting it fixed.
I thank everyone for your words of enlightment, getting things back in perseptive for me and for just being here for me. I needed to be reminded that my HP has me just were I should be for now.
Plus I don't think that having conversations with my ex is such a great thing,
Rose
Something that I so need to work on, I worry myself out if someone seems off with me, thinking that I have done or said something wrong.
A year or so ago I was at a friends house, parked out front on the side of the road, her neighbours son backed out his driveway right into my car and put a pretty good dent in it. His mom was so upset and said she would pay for it. She was just a single mom, I felt so bad for her, then thought well maybe my car should not have been there. I felt so guilty and upset for the mom that I went to her and told her not to worry about it, the car is older and not worth much, I wasn't even going to bother with getting it fixed.
I thank everyone for your words of enlightment, getting things back in perseptive for me and for just being here for me. I needed to be reminded that my HP has me just were I should be for now.
Plus I don't think that having conversations with my ex is such a great thing,
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Rose.... I agree about not having calls with your ex ... that it's not a good thing.
I read this thread and I could relate to all that you are going through. I go through times of having guilt, too. The replies helped me get my head together.
It took yearssssssss before I could talk with my exah ... and now there is no more emotions, so talking or not talking is not an issue.
As for my recent exabf.... because it's so fresh... I find that talking with him ... I am either feeling depressed or I'm angry. So - it's good that we don't talk.
Anywho - yeah.... keep it short when he calls. You don't need to fall back into all of that. Look at how far you have come!!!!
I read this thread and I could relate to all that you are going through. I go through times of having guilt, too. The replies helped me get my head together.
It took yearssssssss before I could talk with my exah ... and now there is no more emotions, so talking or not talking is not an issue.
As for my recent exabf.... because it's so fresh... I find that talking with him ... I am either feeling depressed or I'm angry. So - it's good that we don't talk.
Anywho - yeah.... keep it short when he calls. You don't need to fall back into all of that. Look at how far you have come!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
While walking up the stairs today..... I was thinking about 'guilt'.... and I think a good remedy for guilt..... is to forgive ourselves.
I KNOW that I tried so darn hard to stay in this relationship... I tried so damn hard to keep my sanity... to keep the focus on me ... to not let his addiction get the best of me... to stay in my own personal recovery..... to be patient ... to accept him. The only thing I didn't have to try at was loving him. The results are far from what I had hoped.... but I recognize that I did try and do all that I could... and was able. So ... I remedy the guilt by forgiving myself.
I forgive myself for not being able to cure his addiction - to not be able to save our relationship on my own! Yeah - I know the 3 C's... and all the jargon - but the play on words - work for me. Maybe they will for you, too. ????
I KNOW that I tried so darn hard to stay in this relationship... I tried so damn hard to keep my sanity... to keep the focus on me ... to not let his addiction get the best of me... to stay in my own personal recovery..... to be patient ... to accept him. The only thing I didn't have to try at was loving him. The results are far from what I had hoped.... but I recognize that I did try and do all that I could... and was able. So ... I remedy the guilt by forgiving myself.
I forgive myself for not being able to cure his addiction - to not be able to save our relationship on my own! Yeah - I know the 3 C's... and all the jargon - but the play on words - work for me. Maybe they will for you, too. ????
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