I'm not afraid of who I am... I'm afraid of who I may become.
Focus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 206
I'm not afraid of who I am... I'm afraid of who I may become.
I joined the forum for the wrong reasons. I can’t afford alcohol anymore (debt, income ratio). My brother has given me homemade wine for a LONG time. When clinic started, I went through my sizable ‘stockpile’ and am now down to 5 bottles. I came here because I am emotionally attached to stress alcohol and don’t know how to cope well without it. My mom only lets him give me 12 at a time to bring back when I’m in town because well… she knows me a little too well.
Yes, I know I’m not a healthy drinker, nor do I think I'm an 'alcoholic'...but an alcohol abuser for sure. My past posts have indicated why I don't drink around my husband or one friend anymore as they blamed my drinking (rightly so) for the negative things. Nevermind that I have occasional blackouts or that one drink may turn into many more. It doesn’t ALWAYS (always turns into at least a buzz)… I just can’t predict when it will go beyond that.
I don’t fear my current situation. It is self-limiting. What I fear is not being able to cope in a couple of years when I’m a dentist, working on patients, making plenty of $ and all the stress that goes with it, along with being hundreds of miles away from my parents and brother and my close friends who I miss so much and a zillion promises I made my husband that I may have difficulty keeping bc the cost of living is so high where we are planning to settle.
I come here hoping to find coping techniques so maybe I can avoid alcohol problems in the future Am I misusing this forum with my motives and half-hearted attempts to quit? If so and this is disrespectful and destructive to the forum, I’m sorry. Sorry too for the repeated back and forth… but my worst flaw is unreasonable stubbornness as unfortunately, all my family and friends can attest to. Thanks for your patience and past advice to keep with me. Something has to change... I just don't know when or how.
Yes, I know I’m not a healthy drinker, nor do I think I'm an 'alcoholic'...but an alcohol abuser for sure. My past posts have indicated why I don't drink around my husband or one friend anymore as they blamed my drinking (rightly so) for the negative things. Nevermind that I have occasional blackouts or that one drink may turn into many more. It doesn’t ALWAYS (always turns into at least a buzz)… I just can’t predict when it will go beyond that.
I don’t fear my current situation. It is self-limiting. What I fear is not being able to cope in a couple of years when I’m a dentist, working on patients, making plenty of $ and all the stress that goes with it, along with being hundreds of miles away from my parents and brother and my close friends who I miss so much and a zillion promises I made my husband that I may have difficulty keeping bc the cost of living is so high where we are planning to settle.
I come here hoping to find coping techniques so maybe I can avoid alcohol problems in the future Am I misusing this forum with my motives and half-hearted attempts to quit? If so and this is disrespectful and destructive to the forum, I’m sorry. Sorry too for the repeated back and forth… but my worst flaw is unreasonable stubbornness as unfortunately, all my family and friends can attest to. Thanks for your patience and past advice to keep with me. Something has to change... I just don't know when or how.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
My first sponsor was a dentist.
Don't worry - if your alcohol problem becomes known while you are a dentist they just take your license.
Hopefully you'll lose the license before you severely injure a patient, but they'll pull the license for that too.
Society is protected from people like you, so don't worry too much.
Don't worry - if your alcohol problem becomes known while you are a dentist they just take your license.
Hopefully you'll lose the license before you severely injure a patient, but they'll pull the license for that too.
Society is protected from people like you, so don't worry too much.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Laura,
I have been reading your posts since you joined SR.
Not a healthy drinker, not an alcoholic, alcohol abuser. What difference does it make what you so earnestly try to define yourself as and defend. So what. It looks to me, based on what you describe that alcohol has and IS causing problems in your life. What's to further analyze?
What's your plan? Where do you go from here? Therapy perhaps?
I have been reading your posts since you joined SR.
Not a healthy drinker, not an alcoholic, alcohol abuser. What difference does it make what you so earnestly try to define yourself as and defend. So what. It looks to me, based on what you describe that alcohol has and IS causing problems in your life. What's to further analyze?
What's your plan? Where do you go from here? Therapy perhaps?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I haven't read your other posts, but wanted to say...what ever the reason you are interested in sobriety...its a good reason to be here...and you are welcome.
gosh..that could be me.....
Things will change...but you do have some impact on when and how.
Glad you are here!
Something has to change... I just don't know when or how.
Things will change...but you do have some impact on when and how.
Glad you are here!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I tend to agree with Gerry Laura - you do have a problem and problems like yours rarely get better.
Once people start limiting our drinks for us - like yr mom, or once we can't be sure where we'll end up once we start drinking....once we start blacking out, I don't believe anyone can revert.
The negatives are mounting up and you still want to drink. That's just not a good sign.
The only coping strategy that worked for me was not drinking.
I had to face my fear and admit the extent of my problem. If I had done so sooner I might have been in a far better situation today.
Don't leave it too long Laura.
D
Once people start limiting our drinks for us - like yr mom, or once we can't be sure where we'll end up once we start drinking....once we start blacking out, I don't believe anyone can revert.
The negatives are mounting up and you still want to drink. That's just not a good sign.
The only coping strategy that worked for me was not drinking.
I had to face my fear and admit the extent of my problem. If I had done so sooner I might have been in a far better situation today.
Don't leave it too long Laura.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 111
I'm the last person to be giving advice here, because I'm still trying to figure all of this out (we joined around the same time). However, I just wanted to offer my support... and from what I can see, this forum is for all of us: struggling or not, recovered or not, unsure of what to do or sure, etc. so I don't think you need to worry about having it all together right now.
I don't think it's an overnight process. If it were that easy, we would all have it figured out it one night and there would be nothing to talk about here.
I have some "tools" in place now that have made my life better and have helped me to leave behind what are the probably the worst times of my life thus far -- drinking too much and on too many occassions. I hope you can work on what you need to do here for yourself.
I don't think it's an overnight process. If it were that easy, we would all have it figured out it one night and there would be nothing to talk about here.
I have some "tools" in place now that have made my life better and have helped me to leave behind what are the probably the worst times of my life thus far -- drinking too much and on too many occassions. I hope you can work on what you need to do here for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
In PA a dentist, doctor, nurse or other licensed health care professional has their license suspended, automatically, for a DUI, for example, or a credible complaint to the board (a colleague sees you drinking at lunch or a nurse or assistant detects alcohol on your breath while at work...)... The license is reinstated if it is a first offense and the individual enters treatment...
The licensing board is there to protect the public... treatment is intense, expensive and ongoing...
Enough of that...
What is self limiting about your current situation, exactly?
Speaking for myself, I am glad to see you here... you are not misusing the forum, as long as you are honest with us and yourself.
Lot's of red flags in your post for alcoholism... Are you drinking because you are stressed or are you stressed because you are drinking so much? Think about it!
Mark
The licensing board is there to protect the public... treatment is intense, expensive and ongoing...
Enough of that...
What is self limiting about your current situation, exactly?
Speaking for myself, I am glad to see you here... you are not misusing the forum, as long as you are honest with us and yourself.
Lot's of red flags in your post for alcoholism... Are you drinking because you are stressed or are you stressed because you are drinking so much? Think about it!
Mark
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,954
Originally Posted by lauraandersen4
I come here hoping to find coping techniques so maybe I can avoid alcohol problems in the future Am I misusing this forum with my motives and half-hearted attempts to quit? If so and this is disrespectful and destructive to the forum, I’m sorry. Sorry too for the repeated back and forth… but my worst flaw is unreasonable stubbornness as unfortunately, all my family and friends can attest to. Thanks for your patience and past advice to keep with me. Something has to change... I just don't know when or how.
. Separate yourself from the detractors and align yourself with the supporters.As for coping strategies/techniques Have a look at the SMART Recovery Tools. I find them indispensable in my addiction treatment necessities.
Focus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 206
Thank you guys for being far more understanding than I had expected. Laura, Dee, Ananda, Gerry, Cubile, Zencat...anyone else who replies...I am grateful because I am seriously so confused right now and fearful about a lot. I'm being a complete pain in the butt... I know that (and I'm not even trying). I know it's a problem... and I want to change... and I truly think I will when I'm ready to. Tommy, even though I didn't like your post, I know your heart is in the right place... so thanks
Oh and the self-limiting part is that I can't afford the alcohol I have grown accustomed to... so naturally, it must decrease. There is ZERO extra $ at the end of the month. I just don't know about after I actually earn a paycheck.
Oh and the self-limiting part is that I can't afford the alcohol I have grown accustomed to... so naturally, it must decrease. There is ZERO extra $ at the end of the month. I just don't know about after I actually earn a paycheck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
laura..your welcome here.
i dont think your destructive or disraspectful to the forum at all.
but heres the deal.........from the hip.
your dancing around the problem...or ignoring the elephant in the room.
in my experience normal drinkers avoid sr like the plague.
you said this
""I come here hoping to find coping techniques so maybe I can avoid alcohol problems in the future""..
the only sure way of avoiding problem with alcohol is to NOT drink it...period.
in my experience alcohol "problems" become greater with time....
even if you have periods of abstinace......the problems will re occure when you pick it up again.
forgive me if i got this wrong...........it just sounds like you trying desperatly to "make" alcohol to fit into your life even though you know it causes problems.
you wouldnt be the first to do that.........
id be interested to hear your thoughts......
please read this post as if im talking with you...NOT...talking down to you.
i dont think your destructive or disraspectful to the forum at all.
but heres the deal.........from the hip.
your dancing around the problem...or ignoring the elephant in the room.
in my experience normal drinkers avoid sr like the plague.
you said this
""I come here hoping to find coping techniques so maybe I can avoid alcohol problems in the future""..
the only sure way of avoiding problem with alcohol is to NOT drink it...period.
in my experience alcohol "problems" become greater with time....
even if you have periods of abstinace......the problems will re occure when you pick it up again.
forgive me if i got this wrong...........it just sounds like you trying desperatly to "make" alcohol to fit into your life even though you know it causes problems.
you wouldnt be the first to do that.........
id be interested to hear your thoughts......
please read this post as if im talking with you...NOT...talking down to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
I'm not afraid of who I am... I'm afraid of who I may become.
Your title says it all. Why wait? Sounds like you'll get there and it never gets easier. Alcoholism is a disease, its primary, chronic, progressive, and always fatal if not treated. Your choice, your life, hope for you the best.
Your title says it all. Why wait? Sounds like you'll get there and it never gets easier. Alcoholism is a disease, its primary, chronic, progressive, and always fatal if not treated. Your choice, your life, hope for you the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Laura,
I think you are here for the right reasons. I think you will see some of them in this post if you read through it a few times & allow yourself to see it. I put some parts in bold that I think are red flags.
Its tough to face I know, I am going through a lot of the same thoughts you are (most of us are if we are still in the first couple of months).
i wish you all of the best :ghug2
Take Care,
NB
I think you are here for the right reasons. I think you will see some of them in this post if you read through it a few times & allow yourself to see it. I put some parts in bold that I think are red flags.
Its tough to face I know, I am going through a lot of the same thoughts you are (most of us are if we are still in the first couple of months).
i wish you all of the best :ghug2
Take Care,
NB
Originally Posted by lauraandersen4 
Hey... I'm new to the forum but not really sure if it is for me. I truly don't consider myself an alcoholic. I have always liked wine and that's it. My brother supplies me with a case for free every time I visit my home town. I won't go into anything past the last few years... but stay in the present.
Since dental school started 3 years ago, I have been drinking more heavily. It started out once in a while and I would end up binging with friends only when I went out and never if I was driving. When clinic started, I found myself stressed and drinking every night (3-4 glasses of wine) to relax. I'm to the point where I think about it at school, but I never drink at school. I'm never late, I have control.
I can't wait to get home to have a drink...but it isn't because I need it, it's because I LIKE IT. I like the feeling. It relaxes me. This has been about 6 months now and after repeated times of my friend (online) telling me arguments I had with her that I didn't always fully remember (but parts I did) but that were very very bad, angry and disrespectful. She has cancer and doesn't deserve that. She thinks I have a problem that I don't see. My husband points out that he is used to me drinking at night... I stay coherent though... and that he will lock the door at night etc so I dont forget because I have been drinking. It is insulting but not really impacting my marriage or anything. Sometimes I just have a glass or 2 before he gets home. I'm fully functional and I don't have to have it, I just LIKE it...I never pass out or get so drunk I can't stand etc... but I think about it a lot when I'm not having it ...can't stand the feeling after I'm done when it is wearing off.
My life is not being harmed neither emotionally nor in my relationships. I think I should cut down because no one should have to deal with my crap... but I like wine and am afraid that I may be miserable without it in my life. What do you think?
Thanks -- K
Since dental school started 3 years ago, I have been drinking more heavily. It started out once in a while and I would end up binging with friends only when I went out and never if I was driving. When clinic started, I found myself stressed and drinking every night (3-4 glasses of wine) to relax. I'm to the point where I think about it at school, but I never drink at school. I'm never late, I have control.
I can't wait to get home to have a drink...but it isn't because I need it, it's because I LIKE IT. I like the feeling. It relaxes me. This has been about 6 months now and after repeated times of my friend (online) telling me arguments I had with her that I didn't always fully remember (but parts I did) but that were very very bad, angry and disrespectful. She has cancer and doesn't deserve that. She thinks I have a problem that I don't see. My husband points out that he is used to me drinking at night... I stay coherent though... and that he will lock the door at night etc so I dont forget because I have been drinking. It is insulting but not really impacting my marriage or anything. Sometimes I just have a glass or 2 before he gets home. I'm fully functional and I don't have to have it, I just LIKE it...I never pass out or get so drunk I can't stand etc... but I think about it a lot when I'm not having it ...can't stand the feeling after I'm done when it is wearing off.
My life is not being harmed neither emotionally nor in my relationships. I think I should cut down because no one should have to deal with my crap... but I like wine and am afraid that I may be miserable without it in my life. What do you think?
Thanks -- K
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Alcoholism = The Great Leveller.
You may just have to accept the fact that you are NO different from the Vagrant, street alcoholic when it comes down to it. whereas you have the life chances/oppurtunities that he probably never had and thus you have a reason to stop your alcoholism before it wrecks you and progresses to the next level. You are still early and so you can stop your alcoholism before it progresses and you start discovering drinking in the morning to get rid of your hangover.
Don't be too proud because of your situation/life to admit that you are something. ie - alcoholic.
Whats the worst that can happen if you stop drinking?
Whats the worst that can happen if you continue drinking?
Peace.
You may just have to accept the fact that you are NO different from the Vagrant, street alcoholic when it comes down to it. whereas you have the life chances/oppurtunities that he probably never had and thus you have a reason to stop your alcoholism before it wrecks you and progresses to the next level. You are still early and so you can stop your alcoholism before it progresses and you start discovering drinking in the morning to get rid of your hangover.
Don't be too proud because of your situation/life to admit that you are something. ie - alcoholic.
Whats the worst that can happen if you stop drinking?
Whats the worst that can happen if you continue drinking?
Peace.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Originally Posted by tommyk
My first sponsor was a dentist.
Don't worry - if your alcohol problem becomes known while you are a dentist they just take your license.
Hopefully you'll lose the license before you severely injure a patient, but they'll pull the license for that too.
Society is protected from people like you, so don't worry too much.
Don't worry - if your alcohol problem becomes known while you are a dentist they just take your license.
Hopefully you'll lose the license before you severely injure a patient, but they'll pull the license for that too.
Society is protected from people like you, so don't worry too much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 72
Hi Laura-
I joined around the same time as you and hopeful, so I'm not the best advice giver, I'm also trying to figure things out for myself. I don't think you are here for the wrong reasons, you are trying to figure out your relationship with alcohol, that seems to be what this forum should be about.
When will you be ready to change? What bad event are you waiting to have happen in order to change? I hope that doesn't come across as me being a smartass, that isn't what I'm trying to do. I just think those are some questions that should be more important to you than if you fit the definition of an alcoholic . I really do hope you continue to post here, I think reading/posting will help you in deciding what you are going to do.
I joined around the same time as you and hopeful, so I'm not the best advice giver, I'm also trying to figure things out for myself. I don't think you are here for the wrong reasons, you are trying to figure out your relationship with alcohol, that seems to be what this forum should be about.
Originally Posted by lauraandersen4
I know it's a problem... and I want to change... and I truly think I will when I'm ready to.
Your Distant Friend
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 255
you already are what it is
Could help to see it this way;
I am not addressing your question
But your approach.
You already are who you are,
Nobody can take this from you.
What is truly your being and soul,
Your hearts will, may change,
But it will always be your own
And always be what it is that is you
The process is to shed the layers
Upon layers, the cacaphony of voices
That are NOT you...
So discover your truth and freedom in this situation
.. change may require shedding some dead skin
That is all. There is no wrong way to use anything,
Ultimately. This forum, the internet, society, all oppurtunities to learn,
And ur particular struggle will be seen for the misapprension or denial
Of something that it really is, which is, in essence, beautiful.
Sorry to be vague I hope this is metaphysically useful
I am not addressing your question
But your approach.
You already are who you are,
Nobody can take this from you.
What is truly your being and soul,
Your hearts will, may change,
But it will always be your own
And always be what it is that is you
The process is to shed the layers
Upon layers, the cacaphony of voices
That are NOT you...
So discover your truth and freedom in this situation
.. change may require shedding some dead skin
That is all. There is no wrong way to use anything,
Ultimately. This forum, the internet, society, all oppurtunities to learn,
And ur particular struggle will be seen for the misapprension or denial
Of something that it really is, which is, in essence, beautiful.
Sorry to be vague I hope this is metaphysically useful
Focus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 206
Thanks again everyone... To answer your question first Trucker... yeah, I was trying to make alcohol fit in I guess. But now I don't have to. I can't afford it. I want to say "be gone forever" because then who really cares what happens... it won't be related to alcohol... but then I say.. I'll have a drink... and if I don't feel the beginning of a buzz and don't taste the alcohol in it... I'm fine... If I start to feel it a little... I don't want to lose that baby for anything... If 3 make me feel good... 5 must make me feel better (or last longer). I'm assuming that is common for all drinkers, even social. So yeah half wants to quit, the other half wants to make it 'fit'. That comment in itself is disrespectful to the forum... stressing sobriety... I understand.
And as for what bad event in order to change? Can anyone answer that? If people make threats etc (only my friend and my husband -- the latter YEARS ago before marriage have)...and they followed through... I'd be one to tend to think... did they really care about me in the first place? I don't drive drunk so a DUI isn't an issue etc.
I guess what I'm saying is I can't answer your question and I hope it never gets to the point that I have to... fair enough?
Thanks everyone!
And as for what bad event in order to change? Can anyone answer that? If people make threats etc (only my friend and my husband -- the latter YEARS ago before marriage have)...and they followed through... I'd be one to tend to think... did they really care about me in the first place? I don't drive drunk so a DUI isn't an issue etc.
I guess what I'm saying is I can't answer your question
and I hope it never gets to the point that I have to... fair enough?Thanks everyone!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
If 3 make me feel good... 5 must make me feel better (or last longer). I'm assuming that is common for all drinkers, even social.
I know people, more than a couple, who might have two drinks...and leave the second half undrunk.
I know...amazes me too.
D
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
For me the pain I caused others was finally the wake up call I could not ignore. I have seen many people come and go on the forums, who decided once visiting that they "weren't as bad" as the rest of us. For me this statement " after repeated times of my friend (online) telling me arguments I had with her that I didn't always fully remember (but parts I did) but that were very very bad, angry and disrespectful. She has cancer and doesn't deserve that. " is the deal breaker. If alcohol makes you mean to someone who you love, it, not you is in control in my opinion. And if you are mean to a sick friend at this stage, what comes next?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
