What to do?????????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 4
What to do?????????
Hi all 
Not sure if this is the right place to post, so sorry in advance if this is off topic.
I have been with my girlfriend for 13yrs we have been living together for 7yrs. Early on I noticed she liked to drink, but didn't think too much of it. We were both in college and it wasn't that out of the ordinary. I also didn't notice anything unusual when we first moved in together. Sometimes she would drink too much on a weekend.
About 5 years ago it seemed that she would start drinking during the week, not too too much though. I confronted her saying it wasn't good to be getting half buzzed by yourself and she agreed to stop just asking me not to keep any alcohol in the house. So I stopped having any in the house. Back then I found she had hidden wine, when I confronted her on it she got extremely defensive saying it was for someone else and she couldn't believe I thought she would do this.
So far I have chosen to ignore the problem till recently. I was cleaning the closet and found hidden bottles of vodka. I can normally tell when she has been drinking b\c she will normally just want to go to sleep. When I have friends over on the weekend she will go upstairs and lock the door and I am pretty sure drinking. She often also asks me for praise for her "not drinking".
I am not sure how to handle the problem? I know if I confront her she is going to get real mad, make up an excuse as 2 why the vodka is there and then make me feel bad for excusing her of lying.
Some background I am pretty sure both her parents are functional alcoholics. She also has aunts and uncles on both sides of the family that are recovering alcoholics.
Any suggestions or insight would be great.
Thanks,
Jutah
Not sure if this is the right place to post, so sorry in advance if this is off topic.
I have been with my girlfriend for 13yrs we have been living together for 7yrs. Early on I noticed she liked to drink, but didn't think too much of it. We were both in college and it wasn't that out of the ordinary. I also didn't notice anything unusual when we first moved in together. Sometimes she would drink too much on a weekend.
About 5 years ago it seemed that she would start drinking during the week, not too too much though. I confronted her saying it wasn't good to be getting half buzzed by yourself and she agreed to stop just asking me not to keep any alcohol in the house. So I stopped having any in the house. Back then I found she had hidden wine, when I confronted her on it she got extremely defensive saying it was for someone else and she couldn't believe I thought she would do this.
So far I have chosen to ignore the problem till recently. I was cleaning the closet and found hidden bottles of vodka. I can normally tell when she has been drinking b\c she will normally just want to go to sleep. When I have friends over on the weekend she will go upstairs and lock the door and I am pretty sure drinking. She often also asks me for praise for her "not drinking".
I am not sure how to handle the problem? I know if I confront her she is going to get real mad, make up an excuse as 2 why the vodka is there and then make me feel bad for excusing her of lying.
Some background I am pretty sure both her parents are functional alcoholics. She also has aunts and uncles on both sides of the family that are recovering alcoholics.
Any suggestions or insight would be great.
Thanks,
Jutah
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Duluth Minnesota
Posts: 11
I can relate to your situation on a few levels. I also live with someone who has an alcohol problem. I also understand her side because I am an alcoholic and just learning what I need to do to stay sober.
I'm learning that even though I want my boyfriend to join me in soberiety, he has to make that decision for himself. I would get really angry at him, take the bottle away (which never works by the way. Just angers him and he'd just get more). He hides bottles all over the house and i'd find them and confront him. All that ever did was stress me out and leave me drained.
I'm not sure if this will help you at all because I'm just figuring out all this myself but one thing everyone keeps telling me is to pray. Put it in God's hands and hope she decides its time to seek help.
I'm learning that even though I want my boyfriend to join me in soberiety, he has to make that decision for himself. I would get really angry at him, take the bottle away (which never works by the way. Just angers him and he'd just get more). He hides bottles all over the house and i'd find them and confront him. All that ever did was stress me out and leave me drained.
I'm not sure if this will help you at all because I'm just figuring out all this myself but one thing everyone keeps telling me is to pray. Put it in God's hands and hope she decides its time to seek help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jutah,
I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you HAD to, if you know what I mean? Alcoholism is an incredibly tough thing to deal with.
I'd encourage you to read around here and see the other stories....you'll be amazed at how similar they are to yours. The lying, the hiding, the defensiveness, the "turning it around on you" so it sounds like YOU'RE the one in the wrong.
I'd also suggest reading the Sticky posts that appear at the very top of the forum. The goal of all of this is for you to see that your girlfriend's behavior is very typical for an alcoholic, AND to expose you to some of the ways that people have dealt with it.
The bottom line is this: We can't control their choices - if we could, no one would need this place. But we have to decide for ourselves whether we want to live with this. Either way, things like Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics), the counsel of the wise people here,k and personal counseling helped me to sort out what I wanted to do, what I was willing to tolerate, and what to do next.
Pull up a chair and keep posting. There's a lot of support here for you...no matter what she decides to do.
I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you HAD to, if you know what I mean? Alcoholism is an incredibly tough thing to deal with.
I'd encourage you to read around here and see the other stories....you'll be amazed at how similar they are to yours. The lying, the hiding, the defensiveness, the "turning it around on you" so it sounds like YOU'RE the one in the wrong.
I'd also suggest reading the Sticky posts that appear at the very top of the forum. The goal of all of this is for you to see that your girlfriend's behavior is very typical for an alcoholic, AND to expose you to some of the ways that people have dealt with it.
The bottom line is this: We can't control their choices - if we could, no one would need this place. But we have to decide for ourselves whether we want to live with this. Either way, things like Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics), the counsel of the wise people here,k and personal counseling helped me to sort out what I wanted to do, what I was willing to tolerate, and what to do next.
Pull up a chair and keep posting. There's a lot of support here for you...no matter what she decides to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Yep, she's an alcoholic. Hiding bottles is a big giveaway.
Good thing she's just your girlfriend and NOT your wife.
What are you to do about it? There is nothing you can do to stop her, and you didn't cause it.
Question is: What are you going to do about it for yourself?
Good thing she's just your girlfriend and NOT your wife.
What are you to do about it? There is nothing you can do to stop her, and you didn't cause it.
Question is: What are you going to do about it for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 3
Dear Jutah:
You have to confront her. I did this but not forcefully with my husband almost 8 years ago. He has just quite drinking after I found him face down in our basement passed out. We have two kids. Had I confronted him more forcefully the first time, the outcome would have been different. Either he would have quite drinking sooner or, I would have moved on with my life sooner. While I'm glad he's stopped drinking, I'm not sure what I want now after so many years of deception. He caused a lot of pain for not only me, but our kids. My situation is obviously different but, the bottom line is, I wished I would have been more honest with myself and him 8 years ago instead of going into denial. It's more complicated when there's kids involved. You have neither marriage or kids to complicate things. It was my son who had found the hidden alchohol first, then me later in my husband's briefcase and later my daughter in my husband
s jacket pocket. He's not a bad person but, he did cause a lot of pain and sadness for me. He may have lost a wife, that's yet to be seen. My father was also an alcoholic and my ex boyfriend (not dead from it). I now NEVER drink. I actually like an occassional beer or glass of wine but I'm boycotting. I have also been hit twice by drunk drivers. I'm done with it. Alcohol destroys lives. It's a socially accepted way of chemical addiction that needs to be addressed. Anyone can become addicted so, I'm hoping, for the benefit of those addicted and the people who love them that they will be an ever increasing awareness out there to help everyone from becoming addicted or to feel supported in their efforts to quite. It's not funny when people are drunk (in films and in TV programs). It's a shame that's it's used in colleges as a form of a right of passage. I can't emphasize enough that you need to do something for yourself and hopefully your girlfriend will find help. She will not do it for you, she will have to do it for herself. You have to confront her and then let go. If she doesn't want to quite, she won't. NOTHING you do will sway her either way. You will have to decided if you want to live with an alcoholic or not. Good luck and I really feel for you.
You have to confront her. I did this but not forcefully with my husband almost 8 years ago. He has just quite drinking after I found him face down in our basement passed out. We have two kids. Had I confronted him more forcefully the first time, the outcome would have been different. Either he would have quite drinking sooner or, I would have moved on with my life sooner. While I'm glad he's stopped drinking, I'm not sure what I want now after so many years of deception. He caused a lot of pain for not only me, but our kids. My situation is obviously different but, the bottom line is, I wished I would have been more honest with myself and him 8 years ago instead of going into denial. It's more complicated when there's kids involved. You have neither marriage or kids to complicate things. It was my son who had found the hidden alchohol first, then me later in my husband's briefcase and later my daughter in my husband
s jacket pocket. He's not a bad person but, he did cause a lot of pain and sadness for me. He may have lost a wife, that's yet to be seen. My father was also an alcoholic and my ex boyfriend (not dead from it). I now NEVER drink. I actually like an occassional beer or glass of wine but I'm boycotting. I have also been hit twice by drunk drivers. I'm done with it. Alcohol destroys lives. It's a socially accepted way of chemical addiction that needs to be addressed. Anyone can become addicted so, I'm hoping, for the benefit of those addicted and the people who love them that they will be an ever increasing awareness out there to help everyone from becoming addicted or to feel supported in their efforts to quite. It's not funny when people are drunk (in films and in TV programs). It's a shame that's it's used in colleges as a form of a right of passage. I can't emphasize enough that you need to do something for yourself and hopefully your girlfriend will find help. She will not do it for you, she will have to do it for herself. You have to confront her and then let go. If she doesn't want to quite, she won't. NOTHING you do will sway her either way. You will have to decided if you want to live with an alcoholic or not. Good luck and I really feel for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by jutah 
Is the proper approach to straight out confront her? Tell her that I will kick her out of the house if she doesn't stop? I am very confused.
Thanks,
Jutah
Thanks,
Jutah
Welcome to the SR family! We're glad you found us.
Your last post is asking a question about confronting her with an ultimatum. You are asking to set a boundary. That is a good approach. Sticking to boundaries with someone we love is the tough part.
In Alanon (support group for friends and families of alcoholics) one of the first brochures they welcome you with discourages confronting an alcoholic when they are actively drinking. The acoholic is usually in denial about their addiction being out of their control. If you confront them and acuse them of having a problem, they will likely attack you with words and blame you for their drinking. They will manipulate you and cause you to feel guilt for confronting them with your issues. In your specific case, your gf may tell you that she was drinking when you met her and YOU didn't have a problem with it then, so....(that is manipulating you into thinking you are the problem). Hi, I'm known as Pelican on SR and I'm a recovering alcoholic. That is what I would say to you if you confronted me about my drinking and I wasn't ready to give it up.
I'm also lived with an alcoholic spouse for 14 years. The alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse. In Alanon we learn the 3 C's:
We didn't cause the addiction
We can't control the addiction
We can't cure the addiction.
What we can do is take care of ourselves. We can learn to establish healthy boundaries for ourselves, our finances and our loved ones.
In the sticky posts at the top of this forum there is a wealth of shared wisdom from others who have walked this path. There is a post about Recovery. The recovery section contains information about setting boundaries. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
Read and post as much as you need!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Great support and widsom given thus far...
Just wanted to say WELCOME!
There is so much here to read and absorb it's easy to get overwhelmed. I know I was when I first came on here.
I have a similar situation to yours. 10+ years with my ABF. In the last year or so he vowed to cut his drinking. When he couldn't, he didn't want anyone to know so he started hiding his drinking, although, as with your girlfriend, they can't really hide it can they?
I've been here posting and reading, I've set boundaries, focused on getting myself healthy, and detached from his drama. It's a journey and it's work, but it is well worth it.
Hang in there.
Alice
Just wanted to say WELCOME!
There is so much here to read and absorb it's easy to get overwhelmed. I know I was when I first came on here.
I have a similar situation to yours. 10+ years with my ABF. In the last year or so he vowed to cut his drinking. When he couldn't, he didn't want anyone to know so he started hiding his drinking, although, as with your girlfriend, they can't really hide it can they?
I've been here posting and reading, I've set boundaries, focused on getting myself healthy, and detached from his drama. It's a journey and it's work, but it is well worth it.
Hang in there.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
I'm new, so don't feel qualified to offer advice to anyone really. I can just share some of my experiences. Like "artistatlarge", I didn't address it 10 yrs ago with conviction. Thus here my family is today in a world of trouble. W/ the gift of hindsight, I can see how during out 5 yr of dating and early in our marriage there were signs of alcoholism. I just didn't know that's what it was. Feel pretty dumb now.
If I was unmarried, no kids, I'd think about what you really want, your expectations of a partner. Tell her this in no uncertain terms. If she can't/won't comply then move on. I was so scared to be alone have dating 5 y that I didn't move on. Now 21 ys later and 2 kids, 5 ys of dating seems like a blip on my life.
God bless and good luck. I hope for your sake you put yourself first for now.
If I was unmarried, no kids, I'd think about what you really want, your expectations of a partner. Tell her this in no uncertain terms. If she can't/won't comply then move on. I was so scared to be alone have dating 5 y that I didn't move on. Now 21 ys later and 2 kids, 5 ys of dating seems like a blip on my life.
God bless and good luck. I hope for your sake you put yourself first for now.
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