Need some relationship advice.
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Need some relationship advice.
Hey guys, I have been contemplating this post for a while because I have needed further opinions on this. Tell me what you think.
I am currently dating a girl who has had a very rough life and as a result got an addiction and other issues out of it. I absolutely think she is awesome and we have a lot of fun together. We both have simmilar personalities. The difference is I dealt with my addiction and she is working on it. She basically has nothing at this point, no job to speak of and no money. Her parents help support her. I don't give her money or support her, I make sure what I do doesn't enable her but allows her to be an adult. I have told her many times that while we can date each other and commit to each other she needs to stand on her own two feet and be stable before we could ever go any farther then that. I told her the day she doesn't need anyone for anything is the day that she has overcome that problem. I allow her to make her own decisions and mistakes and while I am trying, sometimes it is very tough to not lose hope.
The first time she stayed over at my place she stole some money, and some food. I caught it immediately and confronted her about it. I didn't yell, scream, or say anything nasty. I told her I wasn't happy about it and that we needed to talk about it. I also told her I wouldn't hate her if she admited it, we would just take a look and work on it. She didn't of course and that hurt both of us. I have been so conflicted by this I can scarcely help it. I have told myself over and over again that there is the possibility that this won't work and have prepared myself mentally in case that does happen.
Since we are still together I decided that the next time she says she wants to stay over at my place or come over I am going to talk about this with her. I don't plan on forcing the conversation but if she refuses to talk about it then I will tell her I am not ready to have her come over yet. I know an addiction is not an easy thing to shed since I have been through one myself and I know the behaviours are difficult to deal with as well but at the same time I must have good boundaries or I risk losing myself and her in this. The only two things I can't fathom is:
1. Why did she do it at all?
2. Why did she do it to the guy she cares about?
If I could just know those two things I think I could understand this better. I want to be with her but if I am only making things worse then I definetly don't want to be making things worse.
Thanks for your advice guys and taking the time to read this long ass post.
What do you guys think? Am I missing something?
-DM
I am currently dating a girl who has had a very rough life and as a result got an addiction and other issues out of it. I absolutely think she is awesome and we have a lot of fun together. We both have simmilar personalities. The difference is I dealt with my addiction and she is working on it. She basically has nothing at this point, no job to speak of and no money. Her parents help support her. I don't give her money or support her, I make sure what I do doesn't enable her but allows her to be an adult. I have told her many times that while we can date each other and commit to each other she needs to stand on her own two feet and be stable before we could ever go any farther then that. I told her the day she doesn't need anyone for anything is the day that she has overcome that problem. I allow her to make her own decisions and mistakes and while I am trying, sometimes it is very tough to not lose hope.
The first time she stayed over at my place she stole some money, and some food. I caught it immediately and confronted her about it. I didn't yell, scream, or say anything nasty. I told her I wasn't happy about it and that we needed to talk about it. I also told her I wouldn't hate her if she admited it, we would just take a look and work on it. She didn't of course and that hurt both of us. I have been so conflicted by this I can scarcely help it. I have told myself over and over again that there is the possibility that this won't work and have prepared myself mentally in case that does happen.
Since we are still together I decided that the next time she says she wants to stay over at my place or come over I am going to talk about this with her. I don't plan on forcing the conversation but if she refuses to talk about it then I will tell her I am not ready to have her come over yet. I know an addiction is not an easy thing to shed since I have been through one myself and I know the behaviours are difficult to deal with as well but at the same time I must have good boundaries or I risk losing myself and her in this. The only two things I can't fathom is:
1. Why did she do it at all?
2. Why did she do it to the guy she cares about?
If I could just know those two things I think I could understand this better. I want to be with her but if I am only making things worse then I definetly don't want to be making things worse.
Thanks for your advice guys and taking the time to read this long ass post.
What do you guys think? Am I missing something?
-DM
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
Answer to both questions, because she is an addict in active addiction and getting money for drugs, buying drugs, using drugs comes first.
Get use to it.
Why would you even entertain the thought of allowing someone who has already stolen from you back into your life much less your home? Do you allow all the guests in your home to just help themselves to whatever they want including things that you have worked hard for and want to keep for yourself? Is there a good reason that you didn't report the theft to the police?
Get use to it.
Why would you even entertain the thought of allowing someone who has already stolen from you back into your life much less your home? Do you allow all the guests in your home to just help themselves to whatever they want including things that you have worked hard for and want to keep for yourself? Is there a good reason that you didn't report the theft to the police?
Dunno if thats a good answer or not but its the only one I have.
-DM
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Posts: 1,384
What are you getting out of this relationship? A difficult childhood is not an excuse to use drugs. We all have to make our own choices. I had a difficult childhood, and I don't use drugs. I have issues with codependency, but that's another story. How do you know that she is trying to not use drugs? You said that she is stealing from you, and that she is not working. I'm not sure why you would choose to have her over again when she stole from you the first time.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I get it, I do the same thing, but I don’t know why. It is a question I ask myself and my counselor over and over. The sex, she's great looking, it's great when she's here, the false hope I have built up, the fact that I am accepting the fantasy of her and not seeing what she really is?
It is still a huge struggle for me. I gave her chance after chance after chance (though she never stole from me. Even with money lying out in the open). What she does do though is put me second, third, or I may not even be on the list. She cancels at the last min, no shows, and doesn’t answer her phone or call back for days.
I want so much to believe in her, support her, and watch her recover. More than her in fact it seems. Many have told me on here to watch the actions not the words. As recovering addict I would imagine you would have an even better understanding of the dynamics of recovery.
The sad answer was probably as stated above, because she is still in active addiction. I read on the ETOH forum from one poster that he had been dry for like 10 years, but admitted that with regards to his thoughts and actions he had only been healthy and sober about 6 yrs.
It is still a huge struggle for me. I gave her chance after chance after chance (though she never stole from me. Even with money lying out in the open). What she does do though is put me second, third, or I may not even be on the list. She cancels at the last min, no shows, and doesn’t answer her phone or call back for days.
I want so much to believe in her, support her, and watch her recover. More than her in fact it seems. Many have told me on here to watch the actions not the words. As recovering addict I would imagine you would have an even better understanding of the dynamics of recovery.
The sad answer was probably as stated above, because she is still in active addiction. I read on the ETOH forum from one poster that he had been dry for like 10 years, but admitted that with regards to his thoughts and actions he had only been healthy and sober about 6 yrs.
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1. Why did she do it at all?
2. Why did she do it to the guy she cares about?
2. Why did she do it to the guy she cares about?
How do you know she is not using? Are you going by what she is telling you because from my experience that means nothing.. she stole money from you and then lied to you about it.. she can't be trusted end of story..
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Originally Posted by jerect
How do you know she is not using? Are you going by what she is telling you because from my experience that means nothing.. she stole money from you and then lied to you about it.. she can't be trusted end of story..
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Originally Posted by DarkMage
I am currently dating a girl who has had a very rough life and as a result got an addiction and other issues out of it.
The first time she stayed over at my place she stole some money, and some food.
Am I missing something?
The first time she stayed over at my place she stole some money, and some food.
Am I missing something?
Addicts steal. If she's stealing, it's likely she is still using.
Most people do not let thiefs into their homes.
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Ironically enough I had a nice little bit of info come my way. We went out on a date and her ex came with. We talked and had a lot of simmilar stories. It was so relieving to hear that what I had been through he had gone through too. Definetly a breath of fresh air. He gave me a heads up on a lot of stuff but also told me that she is doing better then what he has seen.
Now to answer some of the questions posed here. Has she used? I believe she hasn't. Do I know for sure? Nope. I will never know for sure.
This is a gamble, I will admit that, it is a risk and who the hell knows where this will end. So far I seem to be doing a lot of things right. I am keeping my boundaries up, not letting her walk all over me, etc. If things seem like they are getting bad I will stop this. I can say no, it is very easy to do. If it means that my actions protect myself and her then so be it, and if at the end of the day all I can be is a friend then I will accept that too as an acceptable alternative.
Thanks for the support guys, keep the comments and thoughts coming.
-DM
Now to answer some of the questions posed here. Has she used? I believe she hasn't. Do I know for sure? Nope. I will never know for sure.
This is a gamble, I will admit that, it is a risk and who the hell knows where this will end. So far I seem to be doing a lot of things right. I am keeping my boundaries up, not letting her walk all over me, etc. If things seem like they are getting bad I will stop this. I can say no, it is very easy to do. If it means that my actions protect myself and her then so be it, and if at the end of the day all I can be is a friend then I will accept that too as an acceptable alternative.
Thanks for the support guys, keep the comments and thoughts coming.
-DM
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You mentioned that you have dealt with your own addiction, I am assuming a drug addiction...yes? I am sure you had support from loved ones and people who cared for you when you made the move to turn that page of your life. Is this someone who you truly care about and want to help? A way to give back from what you recieved...a way to give back to what you received? Or is she someone that you truly want to have a relationship with?
I can surely see you wanting to reach out and help someone out of that world and someone who you care about. But if it is on the relationship side of it that you are wanting....there had to be a time in your recovery it had to be all about you, would have adding a relationship to it helped you.
Who am I to sit here from the side lines and tell you anything. I have not walked in your shoes.
What I have seen though in my family is, my nephew is a recovering addict, only one year, his spouse kept on with her regular life...bars, drinking her wine at night...he is struggleing with it....the two of them are just not on the same page...what was is no longer....
I don't know, I am not an addict, but I really don't feel that getting involved with an addict when you have gone through it and are in recovery is really something that is going to benefit you. But if you are there for support, I can understand.
I am here for support, as I had a husband addict to crack cocaine, so I came here to get answers, help and support, because being involved with an active addict is one nightmare on a dark rollercoaster.
Rose
I can surely see you wanting to reach out and help someone out of that world and someone who you care about. But if it is on the relationship side of it that you are wanting....there had to be a time in your recovery it had to be all about you, would have adding a relationship to it helped you.
Who am I to sit here from the side lines and tell you anything. I have not walked in your shoes.
What I have seen though in my family is, my nephew is a recovering addict, only one year, his spouse kept on with her regular life...bars, drinking her wine at night...he is struggleing with it....the two of them are just not on the same page...what was is no longer....
I don't know, I am not an addict, but I really don't feel that getting involved with an addict when you have gone through it and are in recovery is really something that is going to benefit you. But if you are there for support, I can understand.
I am here for support, as I had a husband addict to crack cocaine, so I came here to get answers, help and support, because being involved with an active addict is one nightmare on a dark rollercoaster.
Rose
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Originally Posted by cynical one
To me this is odd, but I've been out of the dating game for quite a while now. How long have you been seeing her?
By her refusal to discuss the fact that she stole from you, and you allowing both her theft and her silence, you are validating her belief that bad behavior is acceptable, there are no consequences for breaking the law, and that rules don't apply to her. Between you giving her "chances" and her parents "help"...she will NEVER have a reason to want to find a better way...she's being loved...to death.
Thanks.
-DM
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Originally Posted by DarkMage
I guess I am trying to give her a chance. She hasn't used in a long time and she is working on her issues, before I write her off completely I would like to give her a chance at being honest.
Define 'working' on her issues. What I see is someone still acting like an addict (even if she isn't using, which is debatable), who has her parents taking care of (enabling her), and stole from you.
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Have either of you tried NA meetings? I think some step work would be in order for you. It might help you sort through the reasons you are pursuing this relationship with this still sick girl. And if she is ready to recover, she needs support of other women addicts. You can't be everything to her. Just a thought for you.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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I am going to echo KJ's post, by suggesting that you check your motive for wanting to be with this girl. I always felt "obligated" to help my AW out, because of my childhood. I didn't recognize this until I got some counciling. In my mind if you feel obligated, sorry for, pitty, and a lot of other similar emotion then that should be a red flag that you need to be honest with yourself. It is clear that you want to help her, but what is help? I learned the hard way that helping an additc means getting out of the way. Don't you think you would be happier with someone who was honest with you from the begining?
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