ellima01

A month I think- well, I took him back- a month ago. He is still drinking, we are trying to work thru the infidelity issues- been extremely hard for me- found out there was more than one- He has done everything he said he would do since been home- not left- I 'm still insecure and afraid most of the time.I love him so much- the last two days he's been so depressed- wont talk about it, says it has nothing to do with me (us) I believe that. But he left me before because he was unhappy and "thought it was me" says he figured out it wasnt me- but himself (duh) I just keep thinking how long b 4 he thinks its me again.I'm scared- and stupid.

GiveLove

Good luck, ellima. I'm sorry you're continuing to choose to live this way, but I wish you the best.

Freedom1990

That pretty much sums up my feelings too-I'm sad you're back on the roller coaster, but that's your choice.

Bernadette

I'm scared- and stupid.

I bet you're scared!!

But you're not stupid. Getting yourself to a place of personal mental health and happiness has nothing to do with intelligence. It has to do with facing yourself, committing to a plan or program for change, and then doing the work to change yourself.

I like to make little plans - I think about my tough stuff in as objective a way as I can (many times I have needed counseling to do this, and/or AlAnon) then I make a little plan and then I follow the plan.

Even if I am feeling low or not into it, or scared, or "stupid" it doesn't matter because I just stick to my plan for that moment, or that day. I don't have to always be feeling it! I just have to follow directions.

Calling yourself names doesn't help. You could call yourself Albert Einstein, but if you aren't actively DOING something, actively making different choices to change your life then nothing will happen, genius or not!

Can you make a little plan, just for today? Maybe get to an AlAnon meeting?

Peace ellima --
b

ellima01

I dont even even know what choices are smart anymore.I know my thinking is wrong.I know decision I made to let him come back is probably not the best one i ever made. But he is my husband- my family. I was so miserable when he was gone- I thought I would die. Am I miserable now? yes- some.I don't know how to let him go- If I am even capable of it. That may sound weak and codependant on my part- but it is true. How do you lose the love of your life and be OK with that? True he's put me though it- over and over- I know this. But I still love him- even though I don't want to.

LaTeeDa

I tried for years to 'think' my way out of my misery. It never worked. I needed help. I found a competent therapist, and with her help, I changed my life. Sometimes we can't see anything outside our own perspective. That's when it helps to have someone gently point our eyes in another direction. I was amazed at the possibilities life has to offer. But, I never would have seen them without some help.

L

EnoughisEnough7

So sorry you are dealing with this. One of the most important things I learned over the last few years is that living with someone in active addiction has its own set of rules. It is not like someone just trying to break a "bad habit" ... addiction is so powerful and overwhelming, is very resistant to change and very prone to relapse. The addict's thought processes become focused on their drug of choice, everyone and everything comes in second place... and their addictive behavior is irrational and self involved and destructive.

Once I understood these unique behaviors associated with addiction ... I realized how totally helpless I was against something so powerful. I spent many, many years waiting trying to reason with my husband, waiting for him to "see" how inappropriate his behavior was, having him make promises to change and wanting to believe him ... resulting in small improvements here and there... only to have all the bad stuff come roaring back once more. Even when the alcoholic stops drinking, I learned that living with the possibility of relapse becomes a life long burden... the elephant in the room that never really goes away. It is so sad ... but a reality with addiction.

One of the things that keep me hooked so long, was that I had known alcoholics that turned their lives around and their families intact and I kept hoping ... but I later learned that the majority do not. I also learned that we can spend too many years caught up in their issues yet helpless to change them ... and in hindsight realizing we have lost valuable years hoping for a better, saner life we truly deserve. Eventually I learned that we must protect ourselves from being consumed and destroyed by this horrible addiction as well.

ellima01

I need counselling- wish he would go to- with me or not.Doubt he would,haven't brouht it up.
I have stopped saying anything at all about his drinking. I care,but I act like I don't- heck, I've even had a drink or two myself since all this crap happened. I'm notan adict- I did what I wanted. it doesn't effect his drinking one way or the other. He doesn't wanna quit- made that clear. and I'm done "helping" last time I "helped" he met the OW in rehab my ins. pd for.

LaTeeDa

You have to do what's best for you. You have no control over what he does. Please don't let his lack of wanting help stop you from getting the help you need.

L

blessed4x

My counselor tells me the most loving thing I could do for my XAH was to leave him. I chose divorce, could have gone the seperation route but I was 100% through with living the way I was. It helped me to see it in a different light. I loved him enough to stop doing the dance. Now I am learning to love myself too. He has to decide what he is going to do with his life now.

Do I care about him still? Yep....always will. Can I live with him....nope, never going back there. Life now is way too sweet, and I'm only a week out of the marriage. He's sitting at his home this weekend, missed his first scheduled weekend with his kids, using prescription narcotics instead of alcohol to numb the pain. You ask: How do you lose the love of your life and be OK with that? I heard his slurred voice on the phone today and it reminded me.

Pelican

Hi ellima,

Thanks for checking in and giving us an update on your life. I'm sorry the reunion with your H was not as fulfilling as you hoped it would be. I think you may have experienced what is referred to as magical thinking. Your fantasy of the relationship has not turned out the way you hoped. That is a painful awareness to acknowledge. But it is a step towards a healthier you.

In my relationship with alcohol, and my relationship with my X during his active alcoholism, I considered alcohol to be the mistress/seductress. I personally spent more time thinking about my next drink or buzz than I did my relationship with my husband. Later when I was sober and my husband was still drinking and as his drinking progressed, I saw the same thing in him. He would do anything to protect his relationship with alcohol, including sacrifice his relationship with me and our children. That is a harsh reality to face. It is painful. When I was finally aware of the reality, and began to accept that as the truth, I was able to begin to move forward and take action for myself and my children.

How do you lose the love of your life and be ok? One Day At A Time, sometimes one hour at a time.