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Step 1 struggle

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Old 07-18-2009, 06:28 AM
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Step 1 struggle

Hi folks! What a great forum, glad I found it. I admitted to myself two years ago that I was an alcoholic, too late not to keep from losing my new home and separate from my wife of 20 years though. I thought I had it all figured out and I just needed to be on my own, yeah right! I think I just wanted to drink and party and run from reality, still thinking I was in my 20's and not my 40's.
So I hit bottom real quick after that, after having thrown it all away that is. I wound up in a recovery program and tested the waters of AA. I keep trying to go it on my own but like we all know IT JUST WON'T WORK!! I've had 3 relapses in the last two years, the most recent July 5 and it was a dozy. I had quit the meetings 6 months ago, partly cause of major back surgery, which I then turned into an excuse (always excuses).
So I'm back again to meetings. The reason I say I struggle with step 1 is not that I can't admit to myself that I'm powerless (or can I really?) it's that I can't abide with the truth that I know I'm powerless, of course as I read that I feel there is more to that than I can figure out at this moment??
I've also discovered a fear of the white chip? Just this morning I think it hit me where that fear comes from, I feel that if I have the white chip it may become a symbol of failure if I relapse again, just how I think. I've beaten myself up for years thinking I've been a failure, hence running to the bottle for comfort.
I'll close here for now but I'm glad to be here and hope that I can contribute to someone else's recovery eventually, that would give me purpose which I need in my life right now, purpose that I feel my Higher Power means for me!!

Thx for lettin' me share
boonie
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Old 07-18-2009, 06:31 AM
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Hi Boonie and Welcome,

I am not an AA person, but I know that I am powerless over alcohol. Alcohol took over my life, and thankfully, in recovery, I have found peace.

I wish you well!
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Old 07-18-2009, 06:50 AM
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There is enormous power in the first step. If you are an alcoholic, the first step will set you free.

We are all essentially powerless... we can all get sick unexpectedly, lose loved ones, jobs, and if we are alcoholic, alcohol... But we are not helpless. The first step gives you the power to quit being helpless...

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Old 07-18-2009, 07:04 AM
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I'm not an AA person either, but I wanted to welcome you.

Course, I don't have to be in AA to believe that once I drink, I'm powerless... so I just never pick up the first one, that way I have and keep the power!

Welcome to SR!!
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Old 07-18-2009, 07:07 AM
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Maybe this will help. I really like the notion of being saved by "ten or fifteen years of literal hell":

From 12 Steps & 12 Traditions:

In A.A.'s pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth. Even these "last- gaspers" often had difficulty in realizing how hopeless they actually were. But a few did, and when these laid hold of A.A. principles with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well. That is why the first edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," published when our membership was small, dealt with low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.

It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?

It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those A.A.'s were right..." After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us. John Barleycorn himself had become our best advocate.

Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.'s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.

Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.
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Old 07-18-2009, 07:32 AM
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hey boonie
it's wonderful to have you here - you are definitely in a good place!!!
it's good to write things out and ask for support and sr is a place where you can get some answers from those who have been there and done that.
i can't help with the AA thing. AA didn't help me at all- not my thing, but there are so many here who have been saved by it. you may want to look back over older posts for some answers with the first step - i'm sure you will find a bunch of material to read. you aren't the only person who has trouble with the first step or any of the others. do a search or go directly to the AA part of the forum and they also have a step study there too. Step 1 has 42 threads in it right now. The chat meetings on here are usually AA oriented and usually happen at 9pm EST. everyone is always glad to welcome in a newbie to chat. be patience with it though, sometimes it tends to go a little slow because of ppl having different internet connections. but i've found sometimes it can be invaluable in terms of support and understanding. another place here to check out is the blogs. look at the toolbar - you also automatically have one with signup so you can write to your heart's content here at sr - sometimes writing out your thoughts (no matter how muddled) can help a lot.
and i also started a thread called weekend warriors for anyone who is here on the weekend. weekends are my hardest times and i tend to write a lot in that thread on the weekends. even if you just want to check in and post how you are doing you are very welcome to join the weekend warriors.
i wish you the best ~ take care
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:07 AM
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Do not worry about the word "powerless"? Ask yourself "Does Alcohol make my life unmanageable". If alcohol makes your life unmanageable, than you are a alcoholic and need a power greater than yourselves to conqueor alcoholism.
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:13 AM
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The 12 steps of AA will make your life managable again. You will be able to deal whatever life throw at you. It does not guarantee material wealth or happiness. However, it does offer the concept of spiritual peace or inner tranquility.

The process is a long and is like marathon. It takes years and years of training but if you follow the path of life, you will find life. You have might a few relapses before you finally get it. You might relapse after eight years, but than you just come back and starting working the steps again.

The key to this program is life-long continual participation in the program. There is plenty of wonderful alternative programs out there, but this largest and well-known program and it does work.
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by gravity View Post
.

I really like the notion of being saved by "ten or fifteen years of literal hell"
Me too
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:18 AM
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Welcome to SR Boonie.

Many people get being "powerless" over alcohol confused with being weak.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lifes had become unmanagable.

Please take note that the 2 words I bolded are both "PAST TENSE"!!!!

In other words when I was (PT) drinking I was (PT) powerless over alcohol!

I have power and maintain power today over alcohol as long as I do not drink alcohol!

As long as I maintain my spritual condition fit my obsession to drink is lifted, getting my spiritual condition to this point for me did not happen over night, it took taking the steps with my sponsor and applying them daily to all areas of my life to the best of my ability.

If I have a single drink of alcohol I lose that power!

Do you have a sponsor?

Are you taking the steps with his guidance/assistance?

Had you noticed what I mentioned about the "Past Tense" words in the first step before?

If not you may be like me and many others, I needed a sponsor to point that out to me.
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:29 AM
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Welcome to SR, keep coming back.

* I can't jump off of a 6 story building and control my rate of descent.

* I can't have one drink and control my rate of descent.

I'm powerless over both, took me a while to realize it though.

I was 10 years sober before going to AA, then I discovered what 'recovery' meant. The 12 step program has changed my life. Fear can be a great motivator - fear the white chip.

The biggest joy AA & recovery have given me is the ability to help others.
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:31 PM
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Good to know you are re-starting your sobriety
Welcome to our recovery community....
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:55 PM
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welcome to SR Boonie

I'm not in AA either but I have no trouble with admitting I was powerless...I got into recovery, and now...I'm not!

I dunno much about white chips but I think I'd rather be in a meeting collecting them than still 'out there'

Hope to see you around
D
Hope to see you around some more
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