anyone else been dumped or left by an addict?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
anyone else been dumped or left by an addict?
Can anyone relate or share expierences in being dumped or left by an addict/alchoholic bf? Where you gave ALL your love and support into the relationship & were left feeling worthless and heartbroken. I am struggling to get through this 
This site helps so much!
This site helps so much!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Lost84, i have written to you in your previous post. But yes, most people can relate to what you're saying.
It's never easy and takes lots of time and soul searching. He's numbing himself and not feeling real emotions and we get left with the raw feelings.
There are many people on here which have been and are going through what you are.
all with similar stories, in different variations.
You're in a good place here.
~Limiya~
It's never easy and takes lots of time and soul searching. He's numbing himself and not feeling real emotions and we get left with the raw feelings.
There are many people on here which have been and are going through what you are.
all with similar stories, in different variations.
You're in a good place here.
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Lost.... my guy went away while he was in active addiction - but physically he was here. Now, he is gone and I don't have addiction in my life.
I prefer the view that I have now compared to what it was like feeling so alone along with the distrust on a near daily basis - while he was here! So - he actually left me every time he was thinking about using, using, and/or coming down. He wasn't really present and available - which did a number on myself. Crazy making - insanity - not trusting myself - unable to make decisions.
Are you in love with *him* or the *idea* of him? Are you mourning the relationship while he was in active addiction or what the relationship "could have been?".
Where are these feelings coming from?
So - that is how he dumped me........ by not caring about our relationship while he was in it. He actually left me before he physically left.
xoox
I prefer the view that I have now compared to what it was like feeling so alone along with the distrust on a near daily basis - while he was here! So - he actually left me every time he was thinking about using, using, and/or coming down. He wasn't really present and available - which did a number on myself. Crazy making - insanity - not trusting myself - unable to make decisions.
Are you in love with *him* or the *idea* of him? Are you mourning the relationship while he was in active addiction or what the relationship "could have been?".
Where are these feelings coming from?
So - that is how he dumped me........ by not caring about our relationship while he was in it. He actually left me before he physically left.
xoox
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Yes, my AH and I split up again yesterday and the week before, he told me "he couldn't take it anymore". What? Life? Kids?
They don't want to play by the rules because that means that they can't do as they please which means feeding the monster. He isn't brave enough yet. He isn't ready. He might need a reason to use again and what better reason?
I stuck by my AH through 3 stints in either rehab or detox. He's been unemployed ever since the first time so it's been almost 2 years of loving, supporting him, encouraging him, me going to meetings and being on SR and you know what, I'm ready for him to go. Can you imagine how much simpler life is going to be? You're not married - let him go. Seriously. There is a common saying and it's SOOO true - "Let go or be dragged". Alot of us have been dragged. It hurt so much at first but I've noticed that each time this happens, I get a little more indifferent. I can see my life without him now and I'm liking what I see. :sorry
They don't want to play by the rules because that means that they can't do as they please which means feeding the monster. He isn't brave enough yet. He isn't ready. He might need a reason to use again and what better reason?
I stuck by my AH through 3 stints in either rehab or detox. He's been unemployed ever since the first time so it's been almost 2 years of loving, supporting him, encouraging him, me going to meetings and being on SR and you know what, I'm ready for him to go. Can you imagine how much simpler life is going to be? You're not married - let him go. Seriously. There is a common saying and it's SOOO true - "Let go or be dragged". Alot of us have been dragged. It hurt so much at first but I've noticed that each time this happens, I get a little more indifferent. I can see my life without him now and I'm liking what I see. :sorry
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
There was a small window in time during the beginning of my relationship with my ex-afiance where he left me, and I felt exactly as you do. And I tried "sucessfully" to get him back into my life. That was the worst thing I could have done to myself..
As God is my witness, if I had major magic that would allow me to go back in time to that moment and spare myself the 2.5 years of the CRAP that I endured trying to save the relationship, I would give almost anything to do it.
The best thing to realize is DO NOT take the behaviors of an addict personally, nor consider it a reflection of who you are or what you did (or didn't do). Do not base your self-worth or self-esteem upon their sobriety (or lack thereof).
Please move on while you can rather than get sucked in deeper... And, if you want to know what the "future holds" for you if you stay in it, here's a simulation you can do:
Build a bonfire, throw $10,000-$20,000 (at least) in it, forget to take care of yourself for 7 days (stay up all night worrying about random things and organizing your kitchen for at least 1 nite), and neglect all personal and professional commitments that do not relate to whatever is important and directly related to "his needs". Do this and you will have a small idea of all the great times your future holds for you by keeping him around.
Just my two cents...
As God is my witness, if I had major magic that would allow me to go back in time to that moment and spare myself the 2.5 years of the CRAP that I endured trying to save the relationship, I would give almost anything to do it.
The best thing to realize is DO NOT take the behaviors of an addict personally, nor consider it a reflection of who you are or what you did (or didn't do). Do not base your self-worth or self-esteem upon their sobriety (or lack thereof).
Please move on while you can rather than get sucked in deeper... And, if you want to know what the "future holds" for you if you stay in it, here's a simulation you can do:
Build a bonfire, throw $10,000-$20,000 (at least) in it, forget to take care of yourself for 7 days (stay up all night worrying about random things and organizing your kitchen for at least 1 nite), and neglect all personal and professional commitments that do not relate to whatever is important and directly related to "his needs". Do this and you will have a small idea of all the great times your future holds for you by keeping him around.
Just my two cents...
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
I was with a guy on and off for 4 years. He had been one of my best friends. We were both active addicts when we dated. He left me mentally and left me to the actual breaking up business - he really was a master avoider heh..I overdosed and he disappeared on me for 3 weeks. (He would leave for weeks and then come back as if nothing happened, but to be fair I was barely able to hold conversations for parts of our relationship.) I ended up catching him cheating on me on my birthday, and I left him the next day. He started a relationship with that girl immediately, and I was really left picking up the pieces.
How did I deal with it? In a sea of oxycontin and bacardi, not saying it was the best way but it worked for me then. I certainly suggest relying on close girlfriends and reaching out to people for support. I now am left with devestating trust issues and doubt in how successful I am at being a girlfriend. It's incredibly difficult for me to have faith in love at all, but I'm getting there.
The worst feeling in the world is being with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Be happy you are no longer in that situation.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
How did I deal with it? In a sea of oxycontin and bacardi, not saying it was the best way but it worked for me then. I certainly suggest relying on close girlfriends and reaching out to people for support. I now am left with devestating trust issues and doubt in how successful I am at being a girlfriend. It's incredibly difficult for me to have faith in love at all, but I'm getting there.
The worst feeling in the world is being with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Be happy you are no longer in that situation.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
No Day But Today
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
I understand completely. I went back and forth with my addicted ex for 10 months. You do all that you can, give in, accept every f-ck up and disappointment. Hand out chances over and over. Cause you hope that maybe, MAYBE this time they get it....Each time they say things will change, you know in your heart that nothing is going to, but you still let that little chance come into your mind...
I was recently left by mine, again. We didn't speak for a month. As far as I was concerned, he was gone forever. I was okay. Ya, it still hurt, but if I kept busy it was okay. Then he showed up at my door. And I gave him an inch. I allowed him to talk to me about things. This time, in saying all the same things, he made it seem better this time. Different. Thinking back now, I'm fairly certain it was all an act. A good one at that.
He is gone again. I caught him using. But to be honest, he wasn't really back this time. I was still pretty invisible.
I know it's hard to see, but it's better this way. I thought I still loved him. I don't. The man I loved is gone. Maybe one day he will come back. Maybe. But don't wait for it. In my experience it never happens.
Keep coming back to the site, and please, PM me when you read this. I would love to actually talk with you.
Take care of yourself, and keep your head up.
I was recently left by mine, again. We didn't speak for a month. As far as I was concerned, he was gone forever. I was okay. Ya, it still hurt, but if I kept busy it was okay. Then he showed up at my door. And I gave him an inch. I allowed him to talk to me about things. This time, in saying all the same things, he made it seem better this time. Different. Thinking back now, I'm fairly certain it was all an act. A good one at that.
He is gone again. I caught him using. But to be honest, he wasn't really back this time. I was still pretty invisible.
I know it's hard to see, but it's better this way. I thought I still loved him. I don't. The man I loved is gone. Maybe one day he will come back. Maybe. But don't wait for it. In my experience it never happens.
Keep coming back to the site, and please, PM me when you read this. I would love to actually talk with you.
Take care of yourself, and keep your head up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Never been that lucky. You may want to count your blessings and go on with your life addict/partner free. Not being funny or mean but its not the greatest thing to spend your life trying to put someone elses life together that doesn't know or care that they're broken--al the kings horses and the kings men...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I think almost everyone has been dumped hard at one time or another and most of the time, addiction/alcoholism is not an issue.
My experience as a dumpee occured in my early 20's. One day he decided he was "just not that into me, anymore". I was thoroughly devastated.
Years later, with some maturity under my best, I realized that what I considered, at the time, to be the love of my life, was really a relationship of hopeful fanasty.
Women, in general, are prone towards this sort of thing. They fall head over heels with someone, ignore the warning signals and/or rationalize what's really going on. Add the lifestyle of a typical addict to the mix and lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, conning, unemployment, loss of driver's license/car, prison time, verbal/physical abuse and on and on ......and it really becomes an issue of " what were we thinking"? How could one reasonably expect to wake up tomorrow and all was going to be better?
The answers are inside us and have nothing to do with the man.
My experience as a dumpee occured in my early 20's. One day he decided he was "just not that into me, anymore". I was thoroughly devastated.
Years later, with some maturity under my best, I realized that what I considered, at the time, to be the love of my life, was really a relationship of hopeful fanasty.
Women, in general, are prone towards this sort of thing. They fall head over heels with someone, ignore the warning signals and/or rationalize what's really going on. Add the lifestyle of a typical addict to the mix and lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, conning, unemployment, loss of driver's license/car, prison time, verbal/physical abuse and on and on ......and it really becomes an issue of " what were we thinking"? How could one reasonably expect to wake up tomorrow and all was going to be better?
The answers are inside us and have nothing to do with the man.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I'm not sure what to say because there are not enough words will make you feel better in one post. It will take time and focus on yourself. I am very sorry for your loss, and we have been there. Keep visiting us... Try to focus on you and now that you have this love that you can't give to them, try to give this love to yourself. I know this may sound really flaky, but it is so true. Give yourself some credit for looking for a support group, understanding that you should not be so sad, and you are doing something about it... 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo 
Good analogy Sucker. I love analogies.
I wouldn't wish this "life" on my worst enemy. I'm sure being an addict is a living hell but so is living with one.
I wouldn't wish this "life" on my worst enemy. I'm sure being an addict is a living hell but so is living with one.
Anyway..... Sucker..... that analogy is GREAT!
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by outtolunch
How could one reasonably expect to wake up tomorrow and all was going to be better?
or alternatively, leave him now and be sad forever.
either way, outlook not so good.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi,i haven't posted in a while due to an injury, but i couldnt help but to want to share my esp.
unfortuanately i'm still married but seperated from my ah of 23 yrs. i over looked all the red flags, advice and warnings from everyone i knew, even professional help. from the begining of the relationship its been one dump or breakup after another, one excuse/reason or another, over and over, year after year. 23 years of pain.when he was good, he was the best but when he was not, he was the crueliest person. he is an addict.
his addiction and my codependency was literally causing me my sanity. but today, with the help of all of you, i've been seperated for almost 2 yrs and living in more peace than i honestly thought i could, even though i was left alone with 7 kids to raise.
unfortuanately i'm still married but seperated from my ah of 23 yrs. i over looked all the red flags, advice and warnings from everyone i knew, even professional help. from the begining of the relationship its been one dump or breakup after another, one excuse/reason or another, over and over, year after year. 23 years of pain.when he was good, he was the best but when he was not, he was the crueliest person. he is an addict.
his addiction and my codependency was literally causing me my sanity. but today, with the help of all of you, i've been seperated for almost 2 yrs and living in more peace than i honestly thought i could, even though i was left alone with 7 kids to raise.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by tangerinedream
maybe because we're young? but sometimes i feel like before i know it i'm going to wake up 40 with 3 of his kids and alone.
or alternatively, leave him now and be sad forever.
either way, outlook not so good.
or alternatively, leave him now and be sad forever.
either way, outlook not so good.
Also - when you realize that knowing whether or not you will be sad forever- is future tripping. Where you are right now is where you are supposed to be, but you have the choice to be there tomorrow. It's all about 'what you are getting out of staying in this relationship'. What do you choose for YOU?
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Abundance
It's when you are ready to see that the outlook of leaving is going to be good... and not bad, when you have decided that the bad outweighs the good, your life has become or is becoming unmanageable, you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of the following: lies, drug use period, mood swings, character changes, rejection, coming in second, loving him more than him loving you or even loving him more than you love yourself - THAT then the outlook of leaving IS actually better than staying!
Also - when you realize that knowing whether or not you will be sad forever- is future tripping. Where you are right now is where you are supposed to be, but you have the choice to be there tomorrow. It's all about 'what you are getting out of staying in this relationship'. What do you choose for YOU?
Also - when you realize that knowing whether or not you will be sad forever- is future tripping. Where you are right now is where you are supposed to be, but you have the choice to be there tomorrow. It's all about 'what you are getting out of staying in this relationship'. What do you choose for YOU?
and today we got in a fight and he was like, "this isn't working is it?" and i was like "what?" he said "us." and i was just like "ok..." and then i went to our room and laid down and 5 minutes later i came out and he was gone. he's still gone. and only had one half a suboxone left.
i wanna go get his refill for him but i have a feeling that he either thinks we broke up and is out with some girl or the suboxone wore off and he's out shooting dope. and he's gonna come back around 4 or 5 and it's gonna go down the way it has every time.
sorry i'm sort of deviating. mind wanders.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by tangerinedream
maybe because we're young? but sometimes i feel like before i know it i'm going to wake up 40 with 3 of his kids and alone.
or alternatively, leave him now and be sad forever.
either way, outlook not so good.
or alternatively, leave him now and be sad forever.
either way, outlook not so good.
I was lonely even when I was with him. Now I am not lonely. And my future is full of happiness because I will have a ton of love in my home with my kids. I now KNOW that I KNEW nothing then.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
It will take a good 24 hours for the sub to wear off. And he will be back... i mean - did he take every thing with him?
He used a form of manipulation on you. My guy did the same thing when he told me to pick a judgement day ... i.e. - we have until xyz date to see if any progress has been made. So - I called his bluff and I thought about that date. When I mentioned it a couple days later - his eyes were wide - like he was shocked that I really followed though! Crazy, I know.
But anyway - him asking "we aren't working?" ... or having that line of dialogue is in the addict handbook. He's saying that he will be able to 'use' because of the convo. OR... maybe - just maybe - he left to think about things.
BUT really ---- what about telling and then asking yourself : I don't care what he is thinking, right now. How am I feeling????? WHAT am I going to do? My personal boundaries have been crossed, is that okay?
You teach what you allow, and you allow what you teach. Plain and Simple.
He used a form of manipulation on you. My guy did the same thing when he told me to pick a judgement day ... i.e. - we have until xyz date to see if any progress has been made. So - I called his bluff and I thought about that date. When I mentioned it a couple days later - his eyes were wide - like he was shocked that I really followed though! Crazy, I know.
But anyway - him asking "we aren't working?" ... or having that line of dialogue is in the addict handbook. He's saying that he will be able to 'use' because of the convo. OR... maybe - just maybe - he left to think about things.
BUT really ---- what about telling and then asking yourself : I don't care what he is thinking, right now. How am I feeling????? WHAT am I going to do? My personal boundaries have been crossed, is that okay?
You teach what you allow, and you allow what you teach. Plain and Simple.
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Abundance
BUT really ---- what about telling and then asking yourself : I don't care what he is thinking, right now. How am I feeling????? WHAT am I going to do? My personal boundaries have been crossed, is that okay?
You teach what you allow, and you allow what you teach. Plain and Simple.
You teach what you allow, and you allow what you teach. Plain and Simple.
it's pretty unbelievable to me that i react to him like this too, because in general i'm not so tolerant. a lot of close friends of mine have been heroin addicts and i never would've DREAMED of letting them detox in my bed. but for some reason with him it has been different from the start.
but i'm pretty sure every girl who's ever crossed his path feels the same way. i dono. i believe in him but i'm not sure if i want to anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I am the same way. I am not co-dependent in other relationships...... only him. Essentially - I would put his needs before my own. AND towards the last month or so - I started putting my needs first and the guilt was horrible. So - I'm working through that...... because I KNOW that it's not healthy to feel guilty for being kind to yourself.... I knew I was starting to believe that bit of knowledge when I said goodbye and closed the door.
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