BS08

My best friend suggested I start going to a group, but I'm not sure which I should do. I don't have time for both and do think it would help.

I'm co-dependent, which would make CODA the right choice, but also just getting out of a relationship with an alcoholic would make Al-Anon a good place too.

Suggestions?

I did buy the 12 steps for Codependents which I think is really helpful, but I'd be better doing it with a group.

Bernadette

I've never tried CODA but AlAnon worked wonders for me - I learned so much about codependence and I learned some useful tools for changing myself for the better.

Whichever one you go for I'm sure once you commit to trying the program you'll reap rewards.

peace & good luck-
b

Astro

I'm not suggesting you attend both regularly, but how about trying each one a couple times to see which one you identify most with?

This is just my opinion, I'm an alcoholic, I tried Al-Anon after a year of sobriety, stuck with it for a few months, then I started going to CoDA and it felt so right that I continue to attend. It seemed to me that Al-Anon was made up of folks who were still living with alcoholics, active or sober, or from alcoholic families. CoDA on the other hand is mostly made up of people who have moved on from their relationships with an alcoholic, or they're looking for a way to have a healthy relationship.

I also find the shares at CoDA meetings to be very raw and real. Again, this is just my opinion, I think they're both wonderful programs.

One other thing - Could just be our group or region, but a lot of members take the Steps in a group setting. Sponsors with long-term recovery in CoDA seem to be scarce.

MeHandle

You may be able to decide by trying out both groups for yourself. You may find that you can decide by viewing both the program and community of the group.

When I started to look for a group it was for the number 1 purpose of being with those who understand the situation with an alcoholic spouse/family member and the need for support through the decision to divorce through to the divorce itself. Secondly dealing with the reactions of the AH in the household because I asked for a divorce. I started seeking out where I wanted to go immediately after my decision to divorce.

I was not looking for a primary co-dependent group as I don't have a pattern of co-dependent behavior that I would want a group for. The whole purposed decision that i sought out AL-anon was for support , sharing , understanding. Secondary would be to work the twelve steps in order for me to stay on track of not starting co-dependent behavior patterns in reaction to him. I needed people who understood as there were to many voices around me that wanted me to stay because me and AH are christians and because people would say to me it can't be that bad, he is such a great guy. And then the false belief that as a christian I couldn't divorce him for "this."

Sooo....

First group I tried the leader didn't show up.

Second group the leader was way to immature to lead and lead with co-dependent behavior. Focus of the community was to work on "co-dependance."

The third Al-anon group had a great leader and was healthy but the focus of the group was working the program for the co-dependent, and all in that group that night but the leader wanted to remain with the alcoholic spouse/family member.

The forth and fifth group was at my own church and it is considered a christian 12 ministry program for the directly affected and indirectly affected.( I still giggle at this because if you are married to an alcoholic you are directly affected.) Anyway, it happened to be an open meeting with question and answer for the multiple groups the first time i went. Because of the way the answers were given it again seemed as Al-anon had turned into COda and that it is assumed that one must be co-dependent if one is married to an alcoholic. So I stood up and asked if i was welcome here if I was married to an alcoholic and wanted support with people who understand but was not here to work the 12 steps for co-dependency, and if not then where is the group for that?

The first leader basically responded with no and was consistent with the idea that married to an alcoholic makes for a spouse who must be co-dependent. Then the next leader stopped her and answered yes, you have found the right place. After going to the group this leader lead, I felt right at home. Most in this group had or were moving into some kind of separation from their addict/abuser relative and most view themselves as recovering co-dependent personalities and/or behaviors. And of course I learned this because the format, after the open meeting speaker, is sharing and no cross talk in the smaller group setting.

So for me I found a match as to what my first priority was/community fit/ and the bonus of worldview fit.

Be blessed on your journey of healing and recovering.

My experience and understanding is most likely there is always crossover. What is your present priority for you?

love tammy

BS08

Thanks for the replies guys. I think the suggestion of trying both and see what fits is probably the best one. It's hard because I want a program to help me, but I also would like one that would help me understand what happened and the behavior of my exabf. Like to better understand that so I would see how I got myself in that position to be with a abf and why I stayed.

I don't really need a sponsor because I feel like my best friend is my sponsor. She teaches 12 step programs and is my saving mental grace. I feel really blessed to have her and I don't know what I would do without her...