a bump in the road
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
a bump in the road
Hi all,
H and I have been on a road of recovery - I'm going to Al anon and we're together attending an AA/Alanon couples meeting that has really helped us start communicating again. I have used the program to make really positive changes and he's been doing well, sober and starting to come out from the fog. Although intimacy is still a ways off, we were getting closer. Now I've come to a bump and don't know how to handle it.
Last night in bed I realized I forgot to email an alanon member about the couples meeting and it's tonight. I thought I may forget in the morning so I got myself out of bed and went down to the computer. H hadn't logged off his email, and I saw a message from a speed dating application from facebook. I sorted the mail and saw there were a few msgs, kind of like ads, saying he had a personal msg. I confronted him, and he said that he'd removed the app (true, checked today and I have no friends associated with that app), and that it used to be called club land (also true, was in the email - and that wasn't a dating app, it was called a game where you dance and club hop and hang with virtual friends?) and he hadn't signed up for that original one either, just started to get msgs so took the app off. Said maybe he'd pressed ok to accept it without realizing, he didn't know. And was upset that I'd woken him for something like that. I said no more, just went to bed.
Well funny how things like that never happen to me. He has never ever come across any weird or questionable things with me like that. And now that we've (seemingly) been doing better, I just don't know how to react. He could be telling the truth, or not. How the hell do I know? Right now I just feel like I did in the past - that I'm sitting here willing to stay, willing to work on things, and one day in the future after my life has passed me by I will be blindsided that something in fact had been going on. It happened with my previous relationship and that's why I'm so fearful. Spent 6 years with the guy, and although the signs of cheating were overt (and I chose to ignore cuz I was so invested in him) I didn't get confirmation until after he left me (for another woman) and then was overwhelmed with how I'd wasted so much of my life only to be crushed. I know it's not the same situation, but my reaction is similar. And for the past 6 sober months he has been quite transparent so I don't want to accuse him over something potentially innocuous, but hey, that's where we're at. It's his fault that he chose to break my trust over many years of drinking.
So, this could be innocent or not. I don't know how to feel, what to do with this. On top of that, we committed last week to speak and tell our story at the couples meeting tonight. If my HP is trying to tell me something, I don't know what it is. I'm really miserable this morning.
H and I have been on a road of recovery - I'm going to Al anon and we're together attending an AA/Alanon couples meeting that has really helped us start communicating again. I have used the program to make really positive changes and he's been doing well, sober and starting to come out from the fog. Although intimacy is still a ways off, we were getting closer. Now I've come to a bump and don't know how to handle it.
Last night in bed I realized I forgot to email an alanon member about the couples meeting and it's tonight. I thought I may forget in the morning so I got myself out of bed and went down to the computer. H hadn't logged off his email, and I saw a message from a speed dating application from facebook. I sorted the mail and saw there were a few msgs, kind of like ads, saying he had a personal msg. I confronted him, and he said that he'd removed the app (true, checked today and I have no friends associated with that app), and that it used to be called club land (also true, was in the email - and that wasn't a dating app, it was called a game where you dance and club hop and hang with virtual friends?) and he hadn't signed up for that original one either, just started to get msgs so took the app off. Said maybe he'd pressed ok to accept it without realizing, he didn't know. And was upset that I'd woken him for something like that. I said no more, just went to bed.
Well funny how things like that never happen to me. He has never ever come across any weird or questionable things with me like that. And now that we've (seemingly) been doing better, I just don't know how to react. He could be telling the truth, or not. How the hell do I know? Right now I just feel like I did in the past - that I'm sitting here willing to stay, willing to work on things, and one day in the future after my life has passed me by I will be blindsided that something in fact had been going on. It happened with my previous relationship and that's why I'm so fearful. Spent 6 years with the guy, and although the signs of cheating were overt (and I chose to ignore cuz I was so invested in him) I didn't get confirmation until after he left me (for another woman) and then was overwhelmed with how I'd wasted so much of my life only to be crushed. I know it's not the same situation, but my reaction is similar. And for the past 6 sober months he has been quite transparent so I don't want to accuse him over something potentially innocuous, but hey, that's where we're at. It's his fault that he chose to break my trust over many years of drinking.
So, this could be innocent or not. I don't know how to feel, what to do with this. On top of that, we committed last week to speak and tell our story at the couples meeting tonight. If my HP is trying to tell me something, I don't know what it is. I'm really miserable this morning.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Silkspin, I don't know what to say. I wouldn't know what to do with it either, except to live in the question for a while, and really attune to my feelings about the whole thing.
It sounds like you've already accused him, in a way, and as you've pointed out, you didn't just dream up that lack of trust. It came from his actions.
I'm not a person who deals well with doubt, disloyalty, or mistrust. I tend to be a clean-it-up-and-start-over kind of person, and so I'm not qualified to give advice to someone who is so dedicated to making it work. But I wish you luck processing this new information. It would be deeply disturbing to me too because of my history.
It sounds like you've already accused him, in a way, and as you've pointed out, you didn't just dream up that lack of trust. It came from his actions.
I'm not a person who deals well with doubt, disloyalty, or mistrust. I tend to be a clean-it-up-and-start-over kind of person, and so I'm not qualified to give advice to someone who is so dedicated to making it work. But I wish you luck processing this new information. It would be deeply disturbing to me too because of my history.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
You know he removed the app, and you know that when he did sign up for the app (whether on purpose or by accident) it was a completely different application. I don't even know how many apps I have in my FB account that I don't use anymore. But honestly this sounds like your insecurities running away with you.
Is your husband understanding of your sensitivities because of past hurts? I know I tend to make things much bigger in my head than they really are, even when I know for a fact that my feelings are irrational. I always feel better after I talk to my husband about it and clear the air. And he's always very understanding and reassuring....although I can't say for sure that he wouldn't react the same as your husband if I woke him up in the middle of the night for such insecurities.
I'd suggest talking to him about it in the most non-accusatory way you can come up with, explain how what you saw made you feel and why (past relationships, past hurts and breaches of trust by your husband, etc.)
Is your husband understanding of your sensitivities because of past hurts? I know I tend to make things much bigger in my head than they really are, even when I know for a fact that my feelings are irrational. I always feel better after I talk to my husband about it and clear the air. And he's always very understanding and reassuring....although I can't say for sure that he wouldn't react the same as your husband if I woke him up in the middle of the night for such insecurities.
I'd suggest talking to him about it in the most non-accusatory way you can come up with, explain how what you saw made you feel and why (past relationships, past hurts and breaches of trust by your husband, etc.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
thanks all. jaguar, we talked about it on the phone and he said it was very upsetting that something that he truly didn't do could be something which would set us back, and I simply said that although terrible, that's the tough spot I'm faced with. Under normal circumstances it could be totally written off as nothing, but we don't have a normal circumstance.
In any case, i think this instance may be me blowing this up. he emailed fb about it, and found an internet article about how this application used a bait and switch to have people add it, and then changed.
I really hate that I had a reaction such as this for something so small. I understand why but this is what really puts me into the pits. I worry about never being able to fully trust and wish I didn't have that ugly part of me to content with.
In any case, i think this instance may be me blowing this up. he emailed fb about it, and found an internet article about how this application used a bait and switch to have people add it, and then changed.
I really hate that I had a reaction such as this for something so small. I understand why but this is what really puts me into the pits. I worry about never being able to fully trust and wish I didn't have that ugly part of me to content with.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
It does get better with time, but some of it may always be there. That's one of those consequences your husband has to learn to live with, so long as you aren't unreasonable about it.
My husband gets upset when I worry that he'll want to drink....says it feels like I don't trust him.....what he's learning though is that I have no control over the fact that I was conditioned to expect him to drink when he has a bad day or a bad week. So when he's having a bad week I start to get tense because 11 years with him taught me I should be tense cuz there's a binge coming right around the corner. So while 6 months of sobriety is really fantastic, and intellectually I don't really expect him to drink, it's going to take time to recondition my brain to know that 100%.
I hope your husband is understanding about this and has the patience to work through these situations with you.
And go easy on yourself.....you didn't learn to react that way for nothing!
************************{Silkspin}}}}}}}}}}}}
My husband gets upset when I worry that he'll want to drink....says it feels like I don't trust him.....what he's learning though is that I have no control over the fact that I was conditioned to expect him to drink when he has a bad day or a bad week. So when he's having a bad week I start to get tense because 11 years with him taught me I should be tense cuz there's a binge coming right around the corner. So while 6 months of sobriety is really fantastic, and intellectually I don't really expect him to drink, it's going to take time to recondition my brain to know that 100%.
I hope your husband is understanding about this and has the patience to work through these situations with you.
And go easy on yourself.....you didn't learn to react that way for nothing!
************************{Silkspin}}}}}}}}}}}}
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I agree with this. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. When my xabf and I were broken up, I joined a lot of those stupid dating apps, or apps to meet people, and FB makes it such a pain to un-join them, I didn't bother. If he had found me on "Are you Interested", he probably would have felt insecure, but seriously, I hadn't gotten on any of those in MONTHS.
I wouldn't worry too much. Sounds like your past is haunting you-you might want to talk to someone objective about it. Having been cheated on is pretty traumatic and if you don't work on the issues that brings up, they can keep resurfacing.
I wouldn't worry too much. Sounds like your past is haunting you-you might want to talk to someone objective about it. Having been cheated on is pretty traumatic and if you don't work on the issues that brings up, they can keep resurfacing.
Originally Posted by jaguarpcb 
You know he removed the app, and you know that when he did sign up for the app (whether on purpose or by accident) it was a completely different application. I don't even know how many apps I have in my FB account that I don't use anymore. But honestly this sounds like your insecurities running away with you.
Is your husband understanding of your sensitivities because of past hurts? I know I tend to make things much bigger in my head than they really are, even when I know for a fact that my feelings are irrational. I always feel better after I talk to my husband about it and clear the air. And he's always very understanding and reassuring....although I can't say for sure that he wouldn't react the same as your husband if I woke him up in the middle of the night for such insecurities.
I'd suggest talking to him about it in the most non-accusatory way you can come up with, explain how what you saw made you feel and why (past relationships, past hurts and breaches of trust by your husband, etc.)
Is your husband understanding of your sensitivities because of past hurts? I know I tend to make things much bigger in my head than they really are, even when I know for a fact that my feelings are irrational. I always feel better after I talk to my husband about it and clear the air. And he's always very understanding and reassuring....although I can't say for sure that he wouldn't react the same as your husband if I woke him up in the middle of the night for such insecurities.
I'd suggest talking to him about it in the most non-accusatory way you can come up with, explain how what you saw made you feel and why (past relationships, past hurts and breaches of trust by your husband, etc.)
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Don't beat yourself up too much.
Remember, too, that even though an A is sober, he will still exhibit symptoms of his disease, like blaming, etc. Don't let him blame you for "setting you both back." Jealousy and insecurities come up in EVERY relationship. It doesn't sound to me like you handled it unreasonably-you didn't scream, yell, throw him out of the house, etc. When this type of thing comes up, it is healthy for you to address it before it starts gnawing away at you. He's still learning new coping skills besides turning to the bottle when conflict rears its ugly head, so he may have a problem with what you did. But honestly, you weren't being unreasonable.
Perhaps you can tell him, you feel bad but seeing that app triggered issues from your past, and that's something you will work on. Then...drop it. it doesn't need to be an issue you guys keep harping on.
Remember, too, that even though an A is sober, he will still exhibit symptoms of his disease, like blaming, etc. Don't let him blame you for "setting you both back." Jealousy and insecurities come up in EVERY relationship. It doesn't sound to me like you handled it unreasonably-you didn't scream, yell, throw him out of the house, etc. When this type of thing comes up, it is healthy for you to address it before it starts gnawing away at you. He's still learning new coping skills besides turning to the bottle when conflict rears its ugly head, so he may have a problem with what you did. But honestly, you weren't being unreasonable.
Perhaps you can tell him, you feel bad but seeing that app triggered issues from your past, and that's something you will work on. Then...drop it. it doesn't need to be an issue you guys keep harping on.
Originally Posted by silkspin
thanks all. jaguar, we talked about it on the phone and he said it was very upsetting that something that he truly didn't do could be something which would set us back, and I simply said that although terrible, that's the tough spot I'm faced with. Under normal circumstances it could be totally written off as nothing, but we don't have a normal circumstance.
In any case, i think this instance may be me blowing this up. he emailed fb about it, and found an internet article about how this application used a bait and switch to have people add it, and then changed.
I really hate that I had a reaction such as this for something so small. I understand why but this is what really puts me into the pits. I worry about never being able to fully trust and wish I didn't have that ugly part of me to content with.
In any case, i think this instance may be me blowing this up. he emailed fb about it, and found an internet article about how this application used a bait and switch to have people add it, and then changed.
I really hate that I had a reaction such as this for something so small. I understand why but this is what really puts me into the pits. I worry about never being able to fully trust and wish I didn't have that ugly part of me to content with.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
How about, whenever your husband gets upset over this, just mention Pavlov's dog..
Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
It does get better with time, but some of it may always be there. That's one of those consequences your husband has to learn to live with, so long as you aren't unreasonable about it.
My husband gets upset when I worry that he'll want to drink....says it feels like I don't trust him.....what he's learning though is that I have no control over the fact that I was conditioned to expect him to drink when he has a bad day or a bad week. So when he's having a bad week I start to get tense because 11 years with him taught me I should be tense cuz there's a binge coming right around the corner. So while 6 months of sobriety is really fantastic, and intellectually I don't really expect him to drink, it's going to take time to recondition my brain to know that 100%.
I hope your husband is understanding about this and has the patience to work through these situations with you.
And go easy on yourself.....you didn't learn to react that way for nothing!
************************{Silkspin}}}}}}}}}}}}
My husband gets upset when I worry that he'll want to drink....says it feels like I don't trust him.....what he's learning though is that I have no control over the fact that I was conditioned to expect him to drink when he has a bad day or a bad week. So when he's having a bad week I start to get tense because 11 years with him taught me I should be tense cuz there's a binge coming right around the corner. So while 6 months of sobriety is really fantastic, and intellectually I don't really expect him to drink, it's going to take time to recondition my brain to know that 100%.
I hope your husband is understanding about this and has the patience to work through these situations with you.
And go easy on yourself.....you didn't learn to react that way for nothing!
************************{Silkspin}}}}}}}}}}}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
haha pavlov's dog. you're right though. I immediately jump to a conclusion and really can't help it. I think I handled it ok; it just gets to me sometimes that I have to handle it at all. That's my old self talking. It is what it is. I thanked him for going the mile to diffuse it by searching out the article, and then we did drop it.
I think it will help that we're going to the meeting tonight, and that we'll be speaking. I'm not sure myself what I will say, but also curious about his take on things.
In terms of my past resurfacing, you are on the money. Hopefully through my recovery I will be able to come to terms and move on.
I think it will help that we're going to the meeting tonight, and that we'll be speaking. I'm not sure myself what I will say, but also curious about his take on things.
In terms of my past resurfacing, you are on the money. Hopefully through my recovery I will be able to come to terms and move on.
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