kv816

The night of July 4th was the last time I talked to XABF. My phone changed that Monday and I got a new number for my old cell (which was prepaid, still had 180 minutes on it so I got a new number and gave it to my daughter). He doesn't have either number.

I've talked to a few mutual friends over the last near two weeks. They all say he looks like crap. Drinks twice as much, cries when he's not drinking. Someone said it looks like he hasn't slept in a week; black, blood shot eyes.

I'm sorry to hear that. He's a good guy, when he wants to be. And I hate anyone (even someone I don't know) in that kind of condition. But I've done all I can to help him and though at one point I would have thought I tried but I failed, I know now that it wasn't my fight to fail at. So I'm sorry, in a not my fight, not my fault, nothing I can do, it's too bad, sympathetic kind of way.

But I'm angry. It sounds like rock bottom, or close to it. Everyone sees it. Except for him. And that makes me angry. I want to go over there and slap him. It's like when you read a story or see something on tv with these young 12 year old girls struggling through middle school because they're trying to care for their newborn all by them self. It's not your fault, you didn't cause it and there's nothing you can (or will) do to fix it. But you still feel so sad for the situation she got herself into and you want to smack her upside the head!!!

Maybe it's not anger I'm feeling. It's just so sad to see how some people are so willing to throw their life away for........nothing.

luciddreamrgrl

Kv, I so feel you on this post.

I guess I'm lucky that my XABF and I don't have any mutual friends. We knew each other's friends, but we didn't have personal relationships with each other's friends. So I don't have to hear anything. I do still talk to his sister but I told her when I left that I didn't want her to tell me anything about him after I left. If I found out what you just found out, I would also be very angry and sad.

How are you doing with "no contact"?

thecat3

I am sorry to hear that you left your boyfriend. Why and how did you decide to do that? At which point? How did you decide that that was the right choice for you?

kv816

Lucid.... I guess they aren't really mutual friends. People we both knew (but not people we hung out with kind of people). More like his friends that after being together for two years I had met many, many times. But I wouldn't consider them my friends and would never expect or welcome an invite out on the town from them. Does that make sense? Anyway. The few people I've talked to I've run into in town at the store or gas station. They're aware of the breakup (and two people actually congratulated me and said they were surprised I stayed as long as I did). I think them telling me how crappy he looks was their way of telling me I'm doing pretty good without him. You know?

I'm doing okay on the no contact. I don't have a desire to call and check in, ask if all I've heard is true. I hate to say I just don't care, because I do, but honestly in a way I don't. It's not my problem and there's no reason to put myself through something I can't fix. I guess I'm confused. Not just over him but why anyone would allow them self to get to a point like that and do nothing about it. It's just sad.

TheCat....There are a handful of reasons I left, including physical ones, but I guess I finally hit my rock bottom and realized that leaving was no longer an option. The more I focused on myself the worse things between us got. I had become insane....kept returning to a place that remained unchanged and expected things to be different. But the only thing that was ever different.......was me. I was a better different...and I liked that.

sandrawg

Wow! I am amazed at how similar our situations are!!

Same with me-me and my xabf broke up on July 4th, because he used the holiday as an excuse to break his promise to me to stay sober for a month. It was then I realized, he CAN'T Stay sober, and I had to leave.

I too changed my number.

I have gone through angry periods too...feeling ticked off at him for killing himself...ticked off at his friends for enabling him (even got into a big email argument with one of them)...ticked off at his parents for still being in denial.

I think I'm just ticked off by my inability to "cure" him, or "save" him ,when it comes right down to it. I'm angry that a promising life and a great person under the drinking is being ruined by this cr*p.

sandrawg

I was the same way. He had broken too many promises-I was starting to disrespect myself for letting him get away with that so many times.

I told him at the end, YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE.

He did-literally left me no choice, and I felt that leaving was my ultimate act of self-love, because I no longer wanted to put myself through the stress, pain and chaos his drinking brought into my life. I wish he loved himself enough to feel the same way, but I took the first step: I'm POWERLESS over him and his alcoholism.

bookwyrm

I am asking my friends to not talk about my STBXAH to me. It just hurts me in the end! Maybe sometime further down the road I can hear about what he's up to without the emotional reaction - but not today. Curiosity about what he's up to just makes my life a little more difficult! Maybe you should ask anyone who starts to talk about your X to you to not do so too?

kv816

How do you say that without being rude? I mean, these are going to be people that I barely know that I'll just run into at the store. I think it's just being used to make friendly conversation, like asking what you think of the weather. I don't want to see someone I barely know and haven't talked to in forever and have the first thing I say be "hey, good to see you, don't talk about XABF okay?". You know?

bookwyrm

I'd wait till the subject comes up and just say something like 'Sorry, I'm trying to avoid talking about him, do you mind if we don't?'. I think I need my own peace of mind more than the risk of making someone I barely know uncomfortable. But I know how difficult it is for me, with my 'people pleaser' habit to do!

alwaysthinking2

IMHO, you can go about this two ways...

The "easiest" way is to immediately steer the conversation in another direction/change the subject when the x comes up. Believe me, people get the hint! They will stop bringing him up when they realize you don't want to engage in their gossip. What makes this difficult is that you have to resist the curiosity to hear what news they have.

If you aren't strong enough to do this yet (which I wasn't), you might try what worked for me: I said something to one well meaning person along the lines of, "even though I appreciate your letting me know what he's up to, it's still really difficult for me to hear about it. Would you mind if we didn't discuss him?" Granted, this was a friend of mine, but I think it would work on an acquaintance, too.

Best,
at2

edit: Oh! What bookwyrm said was great - our posts overlapped.