FSquared

have gotten the best of me lately...and they are getting in the way of my recovery...AND my wife's. I did some reading tonight on it...and feel like I've got a ton of stuff to work through. Why do I let my own happiness be so wrapped up with how others think of me and respond to me...ESPECIALLY HER!? Nothing good has come of that and I see all of the false beliefs I let myself develop over the years.

I feel like I've got so far to go!!!!!

MissFixit

Hi Fsquared,

Insecurities and looking to others for validation or self worth seem to be hot topics lately. I too struggle with those issues.

Just beginning to acknowledge that you need to work on it, is a great first step. How do you work on insecurities?

Miss

GiveLove

I am still looking for the magic wand that will wipe away insecurities. They still rise up at odd moments in my life, just when I think I have them under control. And as much as I want to believe that I don't care what other people think of me, still I know that's not true...

I've gotten a lot better though, by working through each individual thing with my counselor. A lot of work but it was worth it for me....my insecurities used to be really crippling, and now they're just annoying for the most part, like, "oh great, not this again."

sandrawg

Just curious how annd why you think YOUR insecurities are getting in the way of your wife's recovery. Are you taking responsibility for your wife's recovery?? Hmm....

Faerie

FSquared, I understand, I think all of us that post on this site have many insecurities which often lead to our problems, I know I do. The important thing to remember is that the only person who can judge you is you, not anyone else. You need to let go of worrying about what other people think. Easier said than done I know. A lot of these negative thoughts are obsessive-compulsive in nature and you can train your brain to stop thinking them. I know this as it is a technique my psychologist taught me and it does work. Every time you start to worry about what other people MAY be thinking [truth is you'll never really know] you have to consciously dismiss the thought as unhelpful. It takes practice and persistence but it does work. I sincerely hope this will help you, even if only in a small way.

Stay Strong,

The Faerie with Torn Wings

FSquared

Thank you all so far....

GL...that is EXACTLY how I would describe my insecurities...crippling!

Sandrawg...you are correct, of course! ;-) But it certainly can't be helping when I engage her with my own insecurities, accusing or badgering her with my false beliefs, assumptions, regarding us, her, etc, particularly at a time when she's trying to focus on her self.

I hate living in a constant state of "what if".

naive

hi fsquared-

yes, it is a waiting game when we choose to support our addict through recovery. the what ifs, the patience required, the blame game, the past resentments...

i just try to keep the focus on my own recovery and let him get on (or not) with his. i find much guidance in "the family afterwards" section of the AA big book. when i first read it, i thought this doesn't apply to us, but as time went on, his choices very much followed the things they warned of therein. and then, i could recognize them and understood his overzealous attempts to put everything back in order in a rather manic way.

i don't know how your wife is dealing with things, but mine, in his 3 weeks of sobriety, appears to want to fix everything immediately! of course, the damage done by years of abuse cannot be healed instantaneously once they get sober.

it is natural for us to be insecure after years of being lied to and used. good on you for recognizing it.

it's a journey. the stakes are high but i do believe that with surrender to our higher power, discipline, self-reflection and honesty, we will all find our way.

naive

bookwyrm

FSquared, at least you can recognise them for what they are! Sometimes we are so invested in our denial it is hard to see what is right in front of us. Self awareness for me is one of the first - and so far most effective - way for me to deal with my own insecurities and rotten thinking. Talking to my counsellor has helped me identify areas where my own denial is still fogging the way I think and feel about myself. She is worth her weight in gold!

GiveLove

There are a set of Martha Beck questions that I often repeat in my head:

What exactly am I feeling? What hurts? (I feel ugly; I feel used)

What is the painful story I am telling myself? (I am unattractive, others will come along and take him/her from me because I'm not enough; I'm being made laughing stock in the meantime, etc etc)

Can I be 100% sure my painful story is true? (No...I'm just exhausted and sad and this is where my mind goes)

Is there a different story that might work better? (Like, we are both just focused on other things right now and it's affecting how we interact with each other; there are other things that I can do to feel strong & healthy; etc.)

I've worked through that with my counselor and with my journal, and it's really helped me to power through some of the worst days.

Fsquared, you're doing much better than when you first arrived here -- I don't know if you're too close to things to see that, but you ARE making progress.

Hang in there and keep working on you

alwaysthinking2

When you are feeling disheartened by your progress, think -- really think -- about how true this is. Imagine if someone tried *telling* you the stuff you know now before you were ready to hear it?

It's possible that you are exactly where you need to be, Fsquared - neither ahead of the game, nor behind in it. There's a certain comfort in accepting that.

Not sure if what I am trying to convey came across right - it was meant in the best spirit, I hope that came across.

Best,
at2

benham

You can look at it like that. I have a long way to go as well. I am nowhere near the man that I want to be, and my relationship is nowhere near where I want it to be. But I choose to look at it like this:

I am working day by day to become the man I need to be.
By doing this, my relationship will become where it needs to be.

The mildly scary part is that only the HP knows where it needs to be. But that part is the future and that's not my domain. I own the present. Today, I choose to become a better man than I was this morning. I don't care if my improvement is 1 mm higher than it used to be.

Somebody taught me that millimeter analogy by showing it like this: If I only grow 1 mm a day for a year, I will have grown approximately 14.37 inches which is a noticeable change! Even though I might not be able to tell the difference in my growth from day to day, I will be able to see a huge change when I reflect back on my life.

Awareness is the beginning of change, I found. When I can hold my insecurities or problems up to the light and examine them and determine why they exist without slamming myself for having them, I find I can deal with them much better than I used to.