HelpingDarryn99

Hello Everyone...

It has been a very long while since I was here for that brief yet informative period..But.. I am back and I now face the truth that I have a very sick son who is addicted to Oxy's and I am faced with a illness with Co-dependency and everything that comes with it...

My name is Shay, and I am a mom of a 22 year old who is Very Very Sick...

We finally sat down on Monday and he decided to seek help with a DETOX. It has been a nightmare ever since. Although he is physically getting the help he needs, I feel that he is not getting the emotional issues addressed and I am powerless over this which is what I am so sad about..

You see.. I have always been the ONE who fixs everything and for once in my life, I CAN"T FIX THIS and its tearing me apart...

I am reaching out to anyone who can help me understand this addiction, and as importantly the ability to learn how to fix myself because for the past 2 days I have cried, I can't sleep and I called out to work today which was not good since I just started my new job a week ago.. My life is being effected more and more and I have to understand how I can take back my life and help my son as well without losing my sanity..

Can you help me please????

Callie

Hi and welcome! The first thing that I did when I got here was read. Read the stickies, read on the substance abuse board as well. I'd also suggest reading codependent no more by melodie beatty. It is a great book and addresses all aspects of codependency. I'm sorry you're here, but there's a great group of people here!

JMFburns

Shay,

Welcome to SR.

Know that you are not alone, there are many Moms and Dads here on SR with alot of experience, strength and hope. Read alot, the post and the stickies at the top have alot of useful information. Also, if you can, check into NarAnon or AlAnon meetings in your area, the face-to-face (f2f) support is great.

I myself am the Mom of a 28 yr old opiate addicted son. I have gotten alot of support here and striving to focus on my own recovery.

Others will be along to welcome you and offer words of support and wisdom.

gotahavfaith

Hi Shay. This is a great place to be when faced with our situation. My 24 year old daughter is also addicted to Oxys. I can totally relate to what you are going thru. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Gotahavfaith :sorry

winnie12

For me personally i have to compartmentalize everything. Even if that takes getting out a piece of paper and writing down all the problems you are facing as a family and then determine which is HIS problems and which is YOURS and which are group problems. For example

Drug Addiction - HIS problem
Rehab - HIS Problem
Sadness - YOUR problem
Needing to get back to work - YOUR problem.

Once you see what is under your list and what is under his then the hard work comes in - because as moms we keep wanting to cross the line and fix theirs. But at his age these are problems he has to address himself. So you look at YOUR list and that's the one you focus on - fixing the things going wrong with your own life not his. When you see that one of HIS problems causes problems in your life - that's when you make a boundary. For example:

He comes in the house messed up and sick and you turn into an emotional wreck. Boundary could be that he cannot be at your home messed up - he has to go somewhere else.

What I found is that when i got myself together - when i became stronger I was more able to help my AS - not because i was more capable of fixing things but because i set a good example to him and because i did not enable his disease anymore. my AS thrived on sympathy from me - still tries to use it but even if I feel it i try not to show it anymore - i hold it in till i get alone and then i let it out.

If you walk around crying and wringing your hands in front of him - he wil know that he is getting to you - he will know that he can manipulate you - this is a way that we enable them. You love your son and inside you may feels these things but the worst thing you can do is let the addict know - the best thing you can do is let them know that if they choose this lifestyle they are on their own. this doesnt mean you dont love them just that they have to do the work themselves to fix it.

Please try to get into a support group or find some one on one counseling - it has helped so much to really sort through the irrational mom emotions and reality.

HelpingDarryn99

Thank you all for your words of wisdom especially Winnie

He is being released this morning from Detox and they walked him over to a Out Pat.
Day program which will be from 9am to 3:30pm. He is positive and he is on Suboxion (sp) and is its working... We are working our JUST FOR TODAY and that is what we have to do together. I will work on My Problems and he will work on his, and when I feel I am struggling, I will seek help from NarAlon and this website.

We plan to go to a NA meeting together, he asked if I would go just to supoort him and be there for him so that I can here him speak if he gets a chance to talk and I was delighted that for once, my son wants me around for something POSITIVE.. Today is a good day so far..
God Bless to you all...
Thanks ..Shay

Freedom1990

From one mother of an addict to another, I just wanted to give you some hugs! :ghug2 :ghug2

Serenity Bound

Shay, Welcome to SR! You've already been given some excellent info, so I'm just going to send more hugs to you from one mom to another.

Chris

outtolunch

When I stumbled on this forum, I was seeking knowledge on how to fix my daughter. Instead, I found a road out of my personal hell.

There is something here for everyone....empathy, sympathy, support and a few who will cut through the BS and shoot between the eyes. They are the ones who got through to me. We are all free to take what we need and leave the rest.

kj3880

I encourage you to get to your own meeting while he is going to his NA, go to Alanon or better yet, naranon. If you must go to the first NA with him, OK, but I wouldn't make a habit of it. As an addict, I wouldn't have been able to share openly with my mom in the room. I would have been too busy trying to reassure her that all is well when it often isn't in early recovery. The honest open sharing that you do there ANONYMOUSLY is very helpful. It will also help other addicts to get to know him/sponsors to find who he is and help him. They are the ones who can help him, and it's best done without mom, dad, girlfriend, or other non-addicts in the rooms. In fact, many meetings are only open to addicts. I encourage you to get into your own recovery from codependence. You will find some help detaching there, and you will be able to get out of the way of his recovery. I know this sounds harsh, but most addicts have to do it that way. I'm sorry you are hurting, feel free to ask me anything.

Love,
KJ (clean for 15 months off of oxys. with the help of NA and my higher power)

JensSis

I'm sorry about what you're going through. My children are young, but I am the caregiver of my little brother who is in process of spiraling as we speak. i also just went through this emotional rollercoaster with my sister in law, who thankfully is in recovery.
You sound like me, the one who fixed things - realizing that you can't wave a magic wand and make things better nearly sent me over the edge, I'm still on the verge some days, but this forum has been really helpful with letting go of some guilt and learning more about addiction. I hope that his choice to detox sticks. My sis in law is about 2 months clean and she says that daily meetings is what really helps her the most.
I feel for you and I wish you a calm night

HelpingDarryn99

Good Morning All...

Thank You again for the Hugs and the words of wisdom..Yes, as KJ has stated..it is best that I allow my AS to attend more meetings alone and I will do this..it will be hard but I must allow him this space to grow and learn to be clean and sober alone, just as he brought himself to the addiction alone.
My AS and I attended a NA meeting last night and he spoke there, it was the 2nd one we attended together at the same meeting, and although I sat right there, he spoke briefly on his recent release at detox and desire to keep coming, he told everyone that I was his mom, and it kinda made me feel that he was limited on what he could say, and I did not relieze that till I read KJ's post, so again..thank you.

So, I will step back and do just that..I will be supportative, and allow him the space, if he needs a ride to a meeting, I will bring him, drop him off and pick him up, I will seek my own meetings and we will take one day at a time together..

I just want to share something that was totally amazing that my AS said to me when he got home from Detox.. He called me when he reached home, and we were speaking...and I asked him.. Hey D how long as it been since you've felt this good? He said to me, Ma its been a long while, but ya know.. I do feel like smokin (POT) and I was like really? but then he said..BUT MY BRAIN IS TELLIN ME THAT ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA and I really don't need it, so I guess I'm going just shake it off..."WOW" is all I could say to myself..I told him I was amazed and proud of his rational decision to stay clean and I told him it will be hard some days, but with the grace of god and the inner strength that he knows he carries, it can only be done one moment, one thought and one breathe at a time.. and he said I love you Ma...

Have a Blessed day to everyone..and hugs to you all..
Just for today, I will work on not being the fixer!

winnie12

When i had first read that you were going to go to meetings with him i cringed a little so i was very relieved to read this later post. This is just my own personal opinion but i think they get much more out of it if they are alone - also sometimes in counseling with my son i felt like he was putting on a show for me - saying those things he thought i wanted to hear and that did him no good - if Mom isnt there the other members are going to be more likely to call him on any bs - but if your there they may hold back a little as to not hurt your feelings. Older members of NA/AA can see through the BS better than anyone and they will call him out if he is using addict talk or excuses.

for example, in my AS's commitment hearing with the state he talked about how "everything good he ever learned he learned from me" how i taught him morals and I was the only person he could count on. that was nice and all but he was trying to get me to stand up for him at the time so he could come home and i dont know if that was really his thoughts or just manipulation. He would also try to shock me sometimes by telling me things in counseling that he had done and it seemed sometimes that he was trying to keep my fear going.

Why dont you check out the meetings in your area - a lot of times they will have an AA/NA meeting and an alanon meeting going on at the same time and place - that way he goes to his and you go to yours. Your together - your supportive but you are each dealing with your own problems. He needs a place he can be open and honest and from one mom to another - you DONT want to know everything that has happened and these are the things he really needs to get out in order to get through this.

kj3880

I'm proud of you for being so open to my suggestion. So I will give you a couple more...

1. Read the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty, readily available online or at a bookstore near you. That book is pretty much the go-to on recognizing and overcoming codie issues.

2. Fine to give him the first coupla rides to NA meetings, but it is standard for us members to give the newcomers rides all the time. We expect them to ask us for rides. Have your son stand up in a meeting and get his first key tag, or introduce himself, so we know he is new. Then he should get a little blue phonebook given to him, or he can get one off the table where the literature is, for free. We will approach, or he can walk up to us, and give him our numbers to put in there. He should be calling us for rides, suggestions, just to talk, meeting times and places, friendship, ideas, just to hang out, whatever he wants.

But especially rides. We give each other rides when someone is new, and he should start asking. This ride sharing gives us a chance to get to know him. Then after the meeting, we'll eventually start dragging him along for coffee (and probably buy it for him, as someone bought ours when we were new), then maybe take him to more meetings or dances or an Anniversary that same night.

Once we get used to him, we'll come get him for weekends away at conventions. When he's new, he can even get in there for free a lot of times. We have newcomer entrance covered at many events like this.

And he'll be able to get a sponsor. He needs to get into the middle of NA, and ride-sharing is, for a newcomer, the beginning of all that. If he gets one or two nos, he needs to keep calling, all the numbers he can get, until he gets that ride. Trust me, he would call for rides to cop drugs, so he can do this, too. He must put as much effort into his recovery as he once put into using drugs. And it will give you a much-needed break from each other.

Love,
KJ