Relief

Hi all,

It has been a while since I last posted, but my struggle goes on. I am currently on day 41 -- I had to start over once because I decided a bottle of wine would cure what ailed me.

I attend AA everyday, sometimes more than once. I have a sponsor, I call him everyday (most of the time), and we meet weekly. I am working the steps, or shall I say step -- I am still on step one. I have read and continue to read AA approved literature as well as other literature regarding alcoholism. I like my sponsor. He's a wonderful guy.

So, what's my problem?

I am pretty miserable about 90% of the time.

I am frustrated and irritated with myself because I don't really "get" the program. I can't seem to conjure up a God/High Power nor do I have "faith". All of which are incredibly integral to AA.

I was not raised in a religious family, and suddenly having a "white light experience" like Bill W. did seems laughable, or at least highly unlikely, to me. And, unfortunately one cannot fake a spiritual awakening.

Faith . . . well, that's a touchy feely warm word that to me defies definition and common human experience. So, when people in AA talk about getting spiritual I get very frustrated with myself because faith cannot be bought at the McDonald's drive-through and no one seems to know how to go about becoming a faithful being. It's a skill that I gather cannot be taught.

I also have a very hard time reaching out to others for help. Don't think I don't do it because I do, but I don't like it -- I feel like I am intruding into someone else's life or being a nuasance. I am not used to calling up near strangers to complain about the trivial things I have written about above. I even feel that way about my sponsor, but my issue is not a result of anything he has ever done or said to make me feel badly about calling to complain.

I feel trapped, lonely, confused, irritated, tired, angry, sad, sad and sad.

It's like I have been blind-folded and told to cross a busy street while praying to a God/Higher Power (which I don't have nor understand) and having faith (which I also have none of) that I won't be smashed by a bus. It's scary, non-sensical and emotionally tormenting.

keithj

You are doing everything right. You are bringing the willingness to the table. Keep doing it. That's the beginning of faith.

It is step 12 that says, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..." It doesn't say that in step 1.

"Well, that's exactly what this [BB] book is about." It really is how you go about it. Take the steps, one after the other, and you will have a spiritual awakening that will solve your drinking problem.

I'm loathe to step on another sponsor's toes, but this jumped out at me. Your role in reaching out is not to complain. If your sponsor is having you call to complain, then something may be getting missed. Guys do the steps differently, and it's not for me to say how it's done for you. But if you aren't connecting on a heart level, some adjustment may be needed. Still on step 1 after a month sounds agonizingly slow.

You know, the more I look at your post, the more I wonder. You mention AA approved literature and other alcoholism related stuff. Really, the Big Book is the instruction manual. Other stuff is good supplemantal material, but the BB contains the directions for having a spiritual awakening.

Can I ask, how much of that time spent with your sponsor each week is in the BB?

It's a program of action, not sitting around waiting for the miracle to happen. What actions are you taking?

Not trying to be pesky, just want to help if I can.

coming_clean

faith must grow...listen to ur hart...it's in there...

im 25 now...it took me almost seven years of searching and cultivating and now my faith is finally coming. Signs are everywere, it just takes some getting used to to actually see them

keep it up...u can do it!

NewBeginning010

Sorry you are struggling, your spirit can be your higher power if you like or your heart... it doesn't matter as long as it helps you.

I have been finding Buddhism to be helpful in my recovery.

Here are some Buddhist 12 step talks Buddhism and the Twelve Steps

Downloadable Dhamma Talks, Essays, and Books by Thanissaro Bhikkhu of Metta Forest Monastery (Wat Metta)

BuddhaNet Audio: Buddhist Teachings/Talks

Here are some recommended books if your interested.

The Twelve Step Buddhist - http://urlm.in/csxv

ONE BREATH AT A TIME - Amazon.com: One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps: Kevin Griffin: Books

Buddhism and the Twelve Steps = | the 12 Step Buddhist

The Zen of Recovery - Amazon.com: The Zen of Recovery: Mel Ash: Books

Mindful Recovery - Amazon.com: Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction: Thomas Bien Ph.D., Beverly Bien: Books

Take Care,

NB

Relief

You're not being pesky, I appreciate your interest.

I have the BB and have read it through once on my own. When I meet with my sponsor we do a BB study, so 90% of the meeting is BB.

Being so new to the program, when my sponsor asks me how I am doing I don't know what else to say other than to talk about what I am going through at the time -- which is what I call complaining. Should I be talking about something else?

laurie6781

Oh I hear you Relief!

First of all, no reason to worry about the "God" thing yet. Nothing about 'God' in the first Step.

The first step was me, finally getting and accepting to the innermost core of my being that I was POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL. That when I took a drink, the drink took me, and that when that happened, MY LIFE BECAME TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNMANAGEABLE.

When I 'finally' got that one, then I had to work on the "God" problem.

I am here to tell you that for the full FIRST YEAR of my recovery my "God" was a HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE. Yep, it sounds funny now, but it sure worked then. That Harley had a lot more power than I did. Oh I used the the 'group' too, lol just didn't tell them. Group Of Drunks.

Maybe to help you with your step 1 if your sponsor says it's alright, do a TIME LINE of your drinking................................The Progression............................ write it down in black and white. That sometimes helps for us to really SEE the POWERLESSNESS and UNMANAGEABILITY.

Then when you get to Step 2, we here will be happy to show you how each of us found "God" as we understood him/her.

For now, stay in today, stay in the now, don't get ahead of yourself, and I think you will see that you are 'getting' the program.

Love and hugs,

stone

Hi relief, there are three times in the BB where they use an asterisk to tell you to read "The Spiritual Experience" appendix....if you read it, it is about how most of us do not have the "white light" experience, but rather a learning experience.

It used to annoy me when people said "use anything as your HP, a doorknob, a tree", lol, it makes no sense but in a way they are right, you CAN use anything but I think it has to at least make sense to you personally. And really you only have to be willing to believe.
They say it doesn't matter what God you use as long as it is not you, it is about letting go of the idea that we are in control of everything, opening up to new ways of doing things.

My HP is a mixture of the steps, the people in AA, the little voice inside me that knows what the "next right thing" is. So I believe the AA program of recovery and my own innate ability to tell right from wrong, to feel and give love and compassion....can restore me to sanity...as long as I work the program and work on developing my "higher self", if you will.

It doesn't matter what other people use as their HP, it just matters I can at least BEGIN to believe in mine.

MycoolFitz

Maybe you could try an alternative approach to AA and HP. No idea but what worked for me finally was integrating Agnostic Buddhism (as a practice not a religion) into AA and the 12-Steps. My higher power is mindfulness. Some good resources: The Zen of Recovery; One Breath at a Time; and The 12-Step Buddhist.

"What makes Buddhism and the Twelve Steps so compatible? The Buddha said that the cause of suffering is desire, and the Twelve Steps try to heal people from desire gone mad: addiction. This connection is the gateway into integrating the two systems. Both ask you to look at the painful realities of life, to understand them, and to use this understanding as the foundation for developing peace, wisdom, faith, and compassion. Both systems culminate in an "awakening" or "enlightenment."

Their respective means may seem very different at times: for the Twelve Steps, support groups, dependence on a higher power, writing inventory; for Buddhism, sitting meditation, developing mindfulness and lovingkindness, following the precepts. But I have found that as I learned more about both traditions, the deeper means and purposes of each came into harmony: understanding powerlessness helps me let go in my meditation practice; investigating my mind in meditation helps me do inventory work; listening to the suffering of others in self-help groups develops my heart of compassion. This book begins an exploration of the many connections between these two traditions, and I hope it will help you to develop the understanding and tools to harmonize them for yourself. I believe that even if you are not an alcoholic or addict, these tools can serve your meditation practice. The stories of alcoholism and drug addiction can even be thought of as dramatizations of common, subtler behaviors and mind states which mediators often see in their practice. The integration of the Steps with Buddhism can still be applied skillfully to these behaviors and states".—One Breath at a Time, Kevin Griffen

Not pushing or promoting anything, just an idea. Namaste

keithj

That sure sounds good also. Lousy sponsorship is common, so I was just asking. Have you told this guy that you are miserable 90% of the time? He probably says something like, "Good, that's where you need to be." It's true, of course, but doesn't feel all that great. I'm always more encouraged by someone struggling along with it, as opposed to feeling great right out of the gate.

It's not fair, but I got some relief early on. At a month I was writing inventory and already something was changing for me. The obsession to drink had been removed. But, I have worked with guys who seemed to struggle all the way through the steps. Recovery kind of sneaks up on them when they stop having expectations about it. They just find themselves reacting very different to life.

Keep posting, if you would.

baldjim

i'm on day 41 too

and that is exactly how i have felt

but i had a better day today

Relief

Hey baldjim -- Looks like we may be the same age as well. I was also born in 1976.

Thanks for letting me know you feel the same way I do.

Ananda

relief...i do think the steps are the process that can lead to finding an HP and who you are and some level of not being miserable..but it takes time (hug)

What stone said is real important for me ..the BB it'self says it has to be a hp that MAKES SENSE TO YOU. So look for what YOU can believe in...not just somehting to fill in the blank.

I just drank last Sat-Monday and one of the first things my sponsor said is that i haven't been talking enough about where I am at to her. It isn't complaining..it is sharing with another alchoholic who we are and where we are so that they can share their ejxpereinces back and we both become stronger for it.

AA often speaks of "outside" help so I don't hesitate to use that as well. I don't actually believe it is necessary to be miserable at 41 days to stay sober, one can grow without being miserable...i know cause i have had that expereince at different times in my life (hug)

glad you are posting!

baldjim

sorry buddy i was 16 in 76 n

hence using my personality not to get laid since 76

the feeling down is really a bummer huh ,but people have promised things will get better

MycoolFitz

1976, I still consider cars and movies from that date practically new. Who knew I'd live long enough to get older?

CarolD

Have you heard of PAWS?

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

That might explain part of your mental discomfort.
Just thinking out loud.....

Relief

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and encouragement.

keithj -- you are right. My sponsor tells me, "you are right where you should be". Which, of course, is like hearing nails on a chalk-board.

I went to my morning meeting a little while ago, and it was a great meeting. However, I seem to lose the rooms message a few hours after the meeting ends. Then the fantasizing about alcohol begins. Last time I drank I was at 40 days, today is 42. I am nervous because it's these type of feelings that I am having now that caused me to pick-up last time.

Yesterday on the way home from work I had to call my sponsor so he could talk to me until I got inside my apartment. Otherwise I would have gone to the liquor store before going home. That's the second time I have had to call him to deter a trip to the liquor store on my way home. I hate that. I feel embarrassed that I can't even get home on my own without stopping for some booze. At the same time, I am unbelievably grateful that he always answers the phone and just talks to me without judgment or surprise.

least

Use whatever tools you can to keep from stopping at the liquor store. If that means calling you sponsor, then call. Whatever it takes to keep you sober. congrats on your sober time. Keep adding to it, one day at a time.