do addicts treat others better?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
do addicts treat others better?
I was dating a guy for over a yr with alot of issues/addictions. Things were always up and down. He broke up with me to do drugs and party with his friends over seeing me a week after i took him on a trip to the carribean for spring break ( i payed for). Only one of the many times ive been stood up or lied to by him.
A month later we talked and got back together things with him hadnt changed but it felt so good to have him back calling me ect.
We were planning to go away in Aug on a trip and had plans that wknd to hang out then after a 3 day no sleep drug/alch bender he tells me he "has a gf" and is letting me know so i dont wait around or book us a trip.
I AM SO HURT i struggle each day trying not to call of text, even though i know he prob wouldnt answer. I realize its prob the drugs that make ppl go crazy but i honestly believe he doesnt have a gf and was just f'd up, because he's told me random things before saying, "im getting married" "i was trying to make you hate me" ect. I know this guy has issues he has since grade school. but i do LOVE him with all my heart.
he can stay up for days without food and even though feeling sick still do drugs and drink, he says its who he is, and knows he will die from it? it breaks my heart when i hear him say those things.
we havnt talked now almost 2 weeks its been so hard not to send a text or try and call
but ive got through. normally i bring gifts or a card to let him know im always here or txt but this time i did nothing.
If he did have another gf in the picture do you think he'd be treating her better the way I should have been treated?
A month later we talked and got back together things with him hadnt changed but it felt so good to have him back calling me ect.
We were planning to go away in Aug on a trip and had plans that wknd to hang out then after a 3 day no sleep drug/alch bender he tells me he "has a gf" and is letting me know so i dont wait around or book us a trip.
I AM SO HURT i struggle each day trying not to call of text, even though i know he prob wouldnt answer. I realize its prob the drugs that make ppl go crazy but i honestly believe he doesnt have a gf and was just f'd up, because he's told me random things before saying, "im getting married" "i was trying to make you hate me" ect. I know this guy has issues he has since grade school. but i do LOVE him with all my heart.
he can stay up for days without food and even though feeling sick still do drugs and drink, he says its who he is, and knows he will die from it? it breaks my heart when i hear him say those things.
we havnt talked now almost 2 weeks its been so hard not to send a text or try and call
but ive got through. normally i bring gifts or a card to let him know im always here or txt but this time i did nothing.If he did have another gf in the picture do you think he'd be treating her better the way I should have been treated?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Nope. I've no doubt in my mind that he would treat anyone differently than he has treated you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I will bet that you are right and he does blame as much as you say he does. Alcoholics and addicts are known for blaming other people for the problems in their lives. Someone recently posted this article. I thought you might like to read.
Excuses Alcoholics Make
by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. of Behavioral Medicine Associates in Georgia
Because addiction is a stereotyped and fundamentally inhuman process it produces predictable signs and symptoms that may be used to gauge the degree of its progress as it penetrates and invades the personality of the individual afflicted by it. One set of symptoms of addiction are the customary excuses the addict makes to himself and others for the irregularities of thinking and behavior foisted upon him and those around him by his addiction.
Problem? WHAT problem?
Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking(legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn't know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.
I'm not THAT bad!
Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be.
It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!
Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his (actually, of his addiction's) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.
All I want is a little relief!
Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable; he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.
I'm not hurting anybody but myself!
Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It's MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen!
A blatant claim for special status based upon self-pity. Because it is seldom as persuasive to others as it is to the addict himself - other people usually have difficulty seeing how one's problems, no matter how severe or unfair, justify adding further misery resulting from theoretically avoidable addictive behaviors- the frustrated addict usually becomes resentful and sullen, convinced that "nobody really understands me." This licenses, at least in the addict's mind, still more flagrant and egregious addictive acting up and out.
I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!
Unable to distinguish himself from his addiction, the addict cannot imagine himself or existence without the addiction. The prospect of "losing" the addiction is unthinkable to him since it would, he believes, mean the loss of himself and of everything that makes life worth living. The addict paints a Romantic portrait for himself and others which, while it may acknowledge at least some of the destructive effects of his addiction, attempts to rationalize the insanity of addictive behavior as glorious, if tragic self-actualization and fulfillment, and to represent anything less than this, e.g. abstinence and sobriety, as a kind of forfeiture of the self and living death, to which a premature addictive exitus is much to be preferred. The fact that many addicts actually believe such transparent foolishness is a somber testimony to the power of addictive insanity.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.
You're not so pure yourself!
Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction.
Trust me - I know what I am doing!
The addict, blinded to reality by his own denial, attempts to reassure those who have begun to wonder about his judgment, perhaps even about his sanity, that he is in control and that all will be well. He informs them that he is perfectly aware there is or may shortly be a problem, that he does not intend to let it get out of hand, and that he is or will be taking steps to control it.
I can stop any time I want to!
Unaware that his addiction and not he himself is calling the shots, the addict genuinely believes that he is choosing to behave the way he does and therefore he can stop doing so any time he makes up his mind. Unfortunately for him and for those who must deal with him, he seldom makes up his mind to stop(even though he most certainly could if he wanted to, &etc. &etc. &etc.)
I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!
An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!
The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse.
Now is not a good time to stop!
Another nearly universal addictive rationalization. "I'll quit tomorrow" is a familiar addictive refrain. The time never seems quite right to stop - even though the addict may be or seem to be perfectly sincere in his determination to cease his addiction "just as soon as I get through this difficult period." He may even convince himself and attempt to convince others that stopping his addictive behavior immediately would be a bad and counter-productive idea, and that the chances of success will be enormously increased if he delays his attempt to stop until a more favorable time.
It will never, ever happen again!
Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical.
Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!
The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes -actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes- the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!
Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.
I don't have time (or money) to get help!
Almost universally deployed whenever the question of seeking professional assistance or attending AA or other mutual-support group meetings comes up. If the addict does actually take a step to get help -usually as a result of external prodding of some kind- there is a 98% probability that he will not agree with the frequency, intensity or duration of the help recommended. Underestimation of his problem and the belief that it can be controlled by what others more informed about such matters know are half measures is the rule rather than the exception in addiction.
I'll handle it myself!
Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.
Excuses Alcoholics Make
by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. of Behavioral Medicine Associates in Georgia
Because addiction is a stereotyped and fundamentally inhuman process it produces predictable signs and symptoms that may be used to gauge the degree of its progress as it penetrates and invades the personality of the individual afflicted by it. One set of symptoms of addiction are the customary excuses the addict makes to himself and others for the irregularities of thinking and behavior foisted upon him and those around him by his addiction.
Problem? WHAT problem?
Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking(legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn't know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.
I'm not THAT bad!
Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be.
It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!
Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his (actually, of his addiction's) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.
All I want is a little relief!
Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable; he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.
I'm not hurting anybody but myself!
Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It's MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen!
A blatant claim for special status based upon self-pity. Because it is seldom as persuasive to others as it is to the addict himself - other people usually have difficulty seeing how one's problems, no matter how severe or unfair, justify adding further misery resulting from theoretically avoidable addictive behaviors- the frustrated addict usually becomes resentful and sullen, convinced that "nobody really understands me." This licenses, at least in the addict's mind, still more flagrant and egregious addictive acting up and out.
I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!
Unable to distinguish himself from his addiction, the addict cannot imagine himself or existence without the addiction. The prospect of "losing" the addiction is unthinkable to him since it would, he believes, mean the loss of himself and of everything that makes life worth living. The addict paints a Romantic portrait for himself and others which, while it may acknowledge at least some of the destructive effects of his addiction, attempts to rationalize the insanity of addictive behavior as glorious, if tragic self-actualization and fulfillment, and to represent anything less than this, e.g. abstinence and sobriety, as a kind of forfeiture of the self and living death, to which a premature addictive exitus is much to be preferred. The fact that many addicts actually believe such transparent foolishness is a somber testimony to the power of addictive insanity.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.
You're not so pure yourself!
Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction.
Trust me - I know what I am doing!
The addict, blinded to reality by his own denial, attempts to reassure those who have begun to wonder about his judgment, perhaps even about his sanity, that he is in control and that all will be well. He informs them that he is perfectly aware there is or may shortly be a problem, that he does not intend to let it get out of hand, and that he is or will be taking steps to control it.
I can stop any time I want to!
Unaware that his addiction and not he himself is calling the shots, the addict genuinely believes that he is choosing to behave the way he does and therefore he can stop doing so any time he makes up his mind. Unfortunately for him and for those who must deal with him, he seldom makes up his mind to stop(even though he most certainly could if he wanted to, &etc. &etc. &etc.)
I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!
An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!
The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse.
Now is not a good time to stop!
Another nearly universal addictive rationalization. "I'll quit tomorrow" is a familiar addictive refrain. The time never seems quite right to stop - even though the addict may be or seem to be perfectly sincere in his determination to cease his addiction "just as soon as I get through this difficult period." He may even convince himself and attempt to convince others that stopping his addictive behavior immediately would be a bad and counter-productive idea, and that the chances of success will be enormously increased if he delays his attempt to stop until a more favorable time.
It will never, ever happen again!
Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical.
Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!
The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes -actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes- the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!
Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.
I don't have time (or money) to get help!
Almost universally deployed whenever the question of seeking professional assistance or attending AA or other mutual-support group meetings comes up. If the addict does actually take a step to get help -usually as a result of external prodding of some kind- there is a 98% probability that he will not agree with the frequency, intensity or duration of the help recommended. Underestimation of his problem and the belief that it can be controlled by what others more informed about such matters know are half measures is the rule rather than the exception in addiction.
I'll handle it myself!
Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
more to my situation*
Originally Posted by lost84
I was dating a guy for over a yr with alot of issues/addictions. Things were always up and down. He broke up with me to do drugs and party with his friends over seeing me a week after i took him on a trip to the carribean for spring break ( i payed for). Only one of the many times ive been stood up or lied to by him.
A month later we talked and got back together things with him hadnt changed but it felt so good to have him back calling me ect.
We were planning to go away in Aug on a trip and had plans that wknd to hang out then after a 3 day no sleep drug/alch bender he tells me he "has a gf" and is letting me know so i dont wait around or book us a trip.
I AM SO HURT i struggle each day trying not to call of text, even though i know he prob wouldnt answer. I realize its prob the drugs that make ppl go crazy but i honestly believe he doesnt have a gf and was just f'd up, because he's told me random things before saying, "im getting married" "i was trying to make you hate me" ect. I know this guy has issues he has since grade school. but i do LOVE him with all my heart.
he can stay up for days without food and even though feeling sick still do drugs and drink, he says its who he is, and knows he will die from it? it breaks my heart when i hear him say those things.
we havnt talked now almost 2 weeks its been so hard not to send a text or try and call but ive got through. normally i bring gifts or a card to let him know im always here or txt but this time i did nothing.
If he did have another gf in the picture do you think he'd be treating her better the way I should have been treated?
A month later we talked and got back together things with him hadnt changed but it felt so good to have him back calling me ect.
We were planning to go away in Aug on a trip and had plans that wknd to hang out then after a 3 day no sleep drug/alch bender he tells me he "has a gf" and is letting me know so i dont wait around or book us a trip.
I AM SO HURT i struggle each day trying not to call of text, even though i know he prob wouldnt answer. I realize its prob the drugs that make ppl go crazy but i honestly believe he doesnt have a gf and was just f'd up, because he's told me random things before saying, "im getting married" "i was trying to make you hate me" ect. I know this guy has issues he has since grade school. but i do LOVE him with all my heart.
he can stay up for days without food and even though feeling sick still do drugs and drink, he says its who he is, and knows he will die from it? it breaks my heart when i hear him say those things.
we havnt talked now almost 2 weeks its been so hard not to send a text or try and call
but ive got through. normally i bring gifts or a card to let him know im always here or txt but this time i did nothing.If he did have another gf in the picture do you think he'd be treating her better the way I should have been treated?
He moved back to the city where we went to school 10 years later and begged to take me on a date. I was hesitant because he was so bad as a kid and we weren’t friends but I eventually went and fell in love. Their were so many ups and downs in the relationship taking money from me, selling his possessions ect. I stuck by him no matter how long he went without talking to me or what he did. I would do anything I could to show how much I cared, gifts, taking him out because he had no $ no job, cards, letters you name it I tried it. I took him on a carribean vacation and a week after we got home I was waiting for him to come over and he broke up with me when I called to ask where he was. For almost a month he’d call me on wknds saying he called me by accident b*tch and hang up. When I finally received a nice call he told me he was trying to make me hate him, it was his plan, he had wanted me to tell him to F off, but all I ever said were nice things and he couldn’t understand why I want to talk to him. Things had been good for about 2 months minus the fact he was still hard into cocaine/drinking that of which come before anything else any chance he gets. He always will choose going on benders with his friends over seeing me or any other normal activity. We were talking about what good terms we were on and planning a summer vacation a few days ago when 2 days later I call him and he txts saying “I have a girlfriend” when I called him he was with his friends prob 3 days without sleep on a drug/alch spree, I was so shocked and upset, he just told me not to call him, stay the F away from his family ect. I don’t believe he has a gf because I know him well enough to know we wouldn’t have spoke for the last few months if that was the case. I just don’t understand how addicts can abrubtly change their minds so quick and lash out for NO reason! I am so hurt and not stupid, I am not happy when we are together because all he wants to do is drugs or drink (which I only drink) but when I am apart from him or know he wont speak to me I am so upset, it hurts to see him do this to himself.. what should I do?
He always says things like " i wont be around for long" "everyone knows ill die from drugs or alchohol" "i dont want to stop doing cocaine, its just who i am" "when hes doing the drug he says he doesnt care about ne thing else except continuing to party" he eventually calms down when the high is over but he paces around cant sit still mumbles, looks through windows freaks out its so scary
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
:sorry I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. Just keep surfing around reading these posts and you will see that most of us are experiencing or have experienced exactly what you are going through with this person. I'm glad you found this website!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Addicts treat THEMSELVES badly so of course they treat others badly. its the old thing that you cant love others until you love yourself. What they love is the drugs. If someone is using with them or enabling them then they can get along but anyone who doesnt accept their love affair with partying is going to be treated badly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by winnie12
Addicts treat THEMSELVES badly so of course they treat others badly. its the old thing that you cant love others until you love yourself. What they love is the drugs. If someone is using with them or enabling them then they can get along but anyone who doesnt accept their love affair with partying is going to be treated badly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Wow my AH told me that he loves me but, its hard right now because he really doesn't love himself. The friends that he hangs out with all do drugs and drink a lot of alcohol. His old friends are good guys and he now calls them boring and sayd that he doesn't trust them. This is just what addicts DO!!!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's:
An addict and alcoholic
Been to prison
Lied, cheated and stolen from friends and family
Unemployed
Stolen from you
Verbally abusive
And this is this acceptable to you?
I don't know you, but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
Stop rationalizing what he's doing and take the rose colored glasses off.
Take him at his word ....he's no longer interested, despite the gifts and trips. The only thing that matters to him is drugs and alcohol.
It's not personal. This is addiction /alcoholism.
An addict and alcoholic
Been to prison
Lied, cheated and stolen from friends and family
Unemployed
Stolen from you
Verbally abusive
And this is this acceptable to you?
I don't know you, but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
Stop rationalizing what he's doing and take the rose colored glasses off.
Take him at his word ....he's no longer interested, despite the gifts and trips. The only thing that matters to him is drugs and alcohol.
It's not personal. This is addiction /alcoholism.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Where I am in my Recovery now, the way I see it is that I was trying to have a nice, simple relationship with a man, have a companion who I enjoy being around, who likes to do some of the same things as me, where we could share some experiences that brought some happiness into our lives. (I admit there were other, naughty wants that I won't offend you with the details of here, but I do think are very important for me to acknowledge so that I can help myself understand how I get into these situations to begin with).
But what I got was a person who has no control of himself, his daily life, or the decisions he makes; and doesn't even know that he should or that he could. He overstepped all normal interpersonal boundaries, created chaos and confusion in my life, messed up my normal routine with his neediness and dependence on me, and couldn't take care of normal daily responsibilities. It doesn't even matter to me anymore what you CALL it, it's more that I don't want it in my life anymore. I need my peace and serenity!
The long and short of it is, I made a really bad choice to allow this person into my life and now I have to do what is necessary to avoid making that kind of choice again. All I know at this point is that I need to keep my eyes open and my heart closed, I need to stop feeling sorry for people, I need to stop thinking I can help anyone but myself, and I need to develop and maintain my personal boundaries. Oh, and I need to start changing my behavior so that it actually reflects my own morals and values. Wish me luck.
But what I got was a person who has no control of himself, his daily life, or the decisions he makes; and doesn't even know that he should or that he could. He overstepped all normal interpersonal boundaries, created chaos and confusion in my life, messed up my normal routine with his neediness and dependence on me, and couldn't take care of normal daily responsibilities. It doesn't even matter to me anymore what you CALL it, it's more that I don't want it in my life anymore. I need my peace and serenity!
The long and short of it is, I made a really bad choice to allow this person into my life and now I have to do what is necessary to avoid making that kind of choice again. All I know at this point is that I need to keep my eyes open and my heart closed, I need to stop feeling sorry for people, I need to stop thinking I can help anyone but myself, and I need to develop and maintain my personal boundaries. Oh, and I need to start changing my behavior so that it actually reflects my own morals and values. Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Lost84.
I know what it's like to have a boyfriend who is a coke head and an alchoholic. They can't do one without the other right?
There is no "moderate" or "just a couple" is there?
Trust me, he will not stop unless he wants to. And he doesn't want to.
Same with my ex bf. We recently broke up over this issue. He'd rather have the coke and drink, rather than look after himself and live a healthy happy life.
Sometimes we need to realise that we're not gonna get the things we're looking for from a relationship from a sick mind. And the worse thing is we become mentally sick from having a relationship with them. Too much drama, ups and downs.
Coke n alchohol is also a very dengerous mix. But we can't help them or stop them. Our relationship was over roughly 4 years. He is single and still out there doing coke at the age of 30.
You need to follow what you want out of life now. You could love the guy forever and still never get any real show of respect. He will blame you for everything, and make you feel as bad as possible. Him telling you he has another girlfriend is yet another way of him pushing you away for whatever reason. I went through it too with similar stories.
Start going out and enjoying yourself with friends. Keep away from addicts of any form and do the things you love doing.. FOR YOU
Here for you if you ever wanna chat.
~Limiya~
I know what it's like to have a boyfriend who is a coke head and an alchoholic. They can't do one without the other right?
There is no "moderate" or "just a couple" is there?
Trust me, he will not stop unless he wants to. And he doesn't want to.
Same with my ex bf. We recently broke up over this issue. He'd rather have the coke and drink, rather than look after himself and live a healthy happy life.
Sometimes we need to realise that we're not gonna get the things we're looking for from a relationship from a sick mind. And the worse thing is we become mentally sick from having a relationship with them. Too much drama, ups and downs.
Coke n alchohol is also a very dengerous mix. But we can't help them or stop them. Our relationship was over roughly 4 years. He is single and still out there doing coke at the age of 30.
You need to follow what you want out of life now. You could love the guy forever and still never get any real show of respect. He will blame you for everything, and make you feel as bad as possible. Him telling you he has another girlfriend is yet another way of him pushing you away for whatever reason. I went through it too with similar stories.
Start going out and enjoying yourself with friends. Keep away from addicts of any form and do the things you love doing.. FOR YOU
Here for you if you ever wanna chat.
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
He is treating you as well as any addict ever could--by leaving you! It's the nicest thing an addict can do to a g/f. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but if you read all the posts of people who're trying to get rid of a using significant other, you'll realize that if he stayed, it'd be a lot worse, sooner or later. You're getting out easier than the current girl, believe me. At one point, I was praying my abf would find another girl to beg, borrow, steal, and stalk and leave me alone. Thank God we're done with that foolishness!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
no.
Originally Posted by lost84
If he did have another gf in the picture do you think he'd be treating her better the way I should have been treated?
i'm not sure if he cares any more about me than he does about them.
so don't sweat it. he's probably not out doting on another girl because he cares about her more, even if she is his girlfriend (who probably does exist). it's much more likely that he's out doting on another girl until he gets what he wants from her, she gets sick of him, or he gets sick of her.
don't let him do that to you. you don't want to end up in my shoes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I wondered too if my AH husband would treat his new girlfriend better then me. I wondered if there was something about me that caused him to treat me the way he did. But I have since learned that he has done all the same things to her that he did to me for 7yrs. He was doing all the same early on in their relationship and they were only together for 3 months. Now they are broken up. I now know that no matter who he is with he will always be like this till he chooses to change himself for himself. The problem is not yours. It is his.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Nikki2003
I wondered too if my AH husband would treat his new girlfriend better then me. I wondered if there was something about me that caused him to treat me the way he did. But I have since learned that he has done all the same things to her that he did to me for 7yrs. He was doing all the same early on in their relationship and they were only together for 3 months. Now they are broken up. I now know that no matter who he is with he will always be like this till he chooses to change himself for himself. The problem is not yours. It is his.
When I read your post I realized that I am YOU from your position (what you have posted that your AH did while with you) and I am HER, the girlfriend who was next-in-line when he dumped his 7-year girlfriend. I'm sure now that he was "cheating" on me before I found out at the 6-month mark. He blamed it entirely on me and the woman he "cheated" with (who was actually the 7-year woman he had just dumped).
You know what the scariest part about it is? I KNEW it was going to happen. I KNEW he would do me the same way he did her and every other woman he has been in a "relationship" with (I've known him for a long time). But I still went on with the relationship because I wanted to help him clean up his life, and thought that I could.
I guess that is why I feel so afraid. Because I get myself involved in these relationships, knowing that I won't have the kind of relationship I want with him, and knowing what he is going to do, and then ignoring what he does that hurts me. What the hell is WRONG with me?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
What you are feeling is normal, but you just can't take anything he says or does personal. My exah was the addict in my life and I struggled with the same thoughts and taking his addiction behavour personal. But the more I learned about addiction and going to meetngs, it was never about me...he would call me horrible names, blame me and got violent with me. He not only left me to continue on his path, he left his two sons 12 and 14 that were the loves of his life and it sure was not about them. It was all about the drug...that became #1 over all of us.
He left the province over a year ago with a lady, I felt nothing emotionally about it, as his circle of friends consisted of prositution and junkies, plus it was a relief that he was going to be that much futher away from us to even hear about any chaos.
About 4 months ago he called as it was our oldest's son's 20th birthday, he was not home, so we did have some conversation, he was telling me something and forgot the name of what he was talking about and ask the lady living there, I guess she didn't answer quick enough I don't know what...but he just screamed at her SPEAK! My mouth just dropped at the way he was talking to her, just like a dog....SPEAK!
So do they treat other people better....well maybe for a bit until they get hooks in and the true drug enduced person comes out...no, they have no respect for anyone.
Don't let yourself be walked on by him, buying him things, being kind is only bringing you more sadness. Save your heart for someone who appreciates it. He will take everything you give to him and give nothing back.....without even batting an eye. But beleive it is nothing to do with you.
Rose
He left the province over a year ago with a lady, I felt nothing emotionally about it, as his circle of friends consisted of prositution and junkies, plus it was a relief that he was going to be that much futher away from us to even hear about any chaos.
About 4 months ago he called as it was our oldest's son's 20th birthday, he was not home, so we did have some conversation, he was telling me something and forgot the name of what he was talking about and ask the lady living there, I guess she didn't answer quick enough I don't know what...but he just screamed at her SPEAK! My mouth just dropped at the way he was talking to her, just like a dog....SPEAK!
So do they treat other people better....well maybe for a bit until they get hooks in and the true drug enduced person comes out...no, they have no respect for anyone.
Don't let yourself be walked on by him, buying him things, being kind is only bringing you more sadness. Save your heart for someone who appreciates it. He will take everything you give to him and give nothing back.....without even batting an eye. But beleive it is nothing to do with you.
Rose
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