Freedom1990

It had been a month since last time, so I was long overdue. I know it sounds crazy, but after the initial excitement of being hired on at the hospital, I find myself struggling emotionally.

I told her I've worked whatever jobs I could get over the years to support myself and two daughters. I did a good job regardless of what it was, working for my vet, working in a welding shop, grocery store, etc.

Now I find myself having a hard time accepting that good things are coming my way. She asked if I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I really didn't know. What I do know is I felt like I had pretty good self-esteem, yet here I am somehow feeling I don't 'deserve' this new job in my chosen field of study.

Gah! It's frustrating to say the least. She did give me a handout on things to prevent self-sabotage, which now that I look back, I'm far too good at!

She also gave me a handout on ways to de-stress when I'm feeling overwhelmed. There are a lot of good things on there I want to try, and I'm always open to learning something new.

I also have to talk to my boss tomorrow so she's not blind-sided, and I'm afraid. I've been paying off in excess of 7 grand in hospital bills. It goes through an attorney's office. My insurance doesn't pay everything.

I got served papers for yet another smaller account at the hospital, so I went down to talk to the attorney about merging the two accounts (the other medical bills are also hospital bills). He said that they can credit the payments one month to one bill, and the next month to the other bill.

The embarrassing thing about it is my name WILL be published in the newspaper for district court that day, even though it's been resolved through the attorney. I have no control over that as it's public information.

I don't want my boss to read the paper, see my name, and think what kind of irresponsible person did she hire! So, I need to explain things to her and am terrified I will lose my job.

She's been very good to me, and obviously good to the rest of her staff. However, I've seen how judgmental she is of others during conversations on break (something I'm extremely uncomfortable with), and I'm scared.

Any good thoughts, suggestions, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

cassandra2

I would be really interested in what your hand outs say about self sabatoge.

I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop and was just curious as to how NOT to go into MAKING those things happen because your afraid that because things are going so good you JUST KNOW something bad is gonna happen.....

I hear alot of fear in your post. I know that is something that I continually work on.

Something that has been working for me is to EXPECT good things to happen. I think for so many of us (codies especially) we walk around with the expectation that BAD things ALWAYS happen to us. So I have been trying to tell myself good things, positive, and STOPPING the negative thoughts.

I say that because I noticed that you are worried about what your boss is gonna think IF she reads the paper. But I do agree that you should be upfront about it IF it bothers you or causes you stress....

Not trying to be rude or anything but I admire that you still struggle with these types of things and are so far into your recovery both from drugs, alcohol, and codieism.....

Just reading your post helps me to know that we are still a work in progress no matter where we are in our journey's.....

Thanks for your post.....

Freedom1990

The thing is I know she reads the paper, at work, on break in front of us on Tuesdays when the paper comes out.

It's usually pretty easy for me to turn the fear into faith, but sometimes I get something that wallops me hard, which this has. Why that happens, I don't know. I just know I have to talk about it and walk through it to get past it.

I really appreciate the feedback. I'll type the handout later and post it here, but have a doctor's appt this afternoon.

laurie6781

Hey Dev:

Isn't this one of those "taking an ant hill and making it into Mt Everest" that we are so good at doing.

Your boss is going to understand, especially in TODAY'S ECONOMY. Just go and tell her, and I am sure not only will she understand but will respect you for 1) being up front with her and 2) your on going efforts to resolve old debts.

Now, take some really DEEP slow breaths. You know this gets more oxygen to the brain and eases the stress.

And, yes I still see my therapist (as needed). Don't know sometimes what I would do without her.

Like Dev I figured out that our lives are so 'hectic' in this day and age, that any additional help in coping with it is greatly appreciated. My 'old way' of coping sure never worked, lmao.

Dev, you are doing great!!! You have worked long and hard, on you, your life, your goals, and that little 'niggling' fear that rears it's ugly head now and then is just our 'addiction' trying to take hold. You know it doesn't work for very long, we have too many 'tools' today, and the neat thing is, ........................................ we use those tools!

Give a holler if you need or want to vent ...................................

Love and hugs,

PurpleWilder

You wouldn't be interested in posting that handout on self-sabotage here on SR, would you? Might make a good addition to the Stickys and I know I wanna read it!

Please...please...pretty please? :bounce

Gypsy Feet

Dev Laurie is right! Deep breath honey, your going to be fine.

PurpleWilder

With all of the stuff that is going on with people financially today, I think she would understand. Financially things are a bit weird for a lot of people right now. Life happens. Stay calm it will all turn out OK.

naive

freedom-

i'm a bit confused why your personal finances have anything to do with your job performance? i don't see why you would speak to your boss at all about this personal topic. it's not her affair at all.

am i missing something?

i understand it will be published but so what? lots of people have unpaid bills. they aren't fired for it. why do you think you'll be fired?

naive

dothi

Naive makes a great point! Many, many people have unpaid bills and are not punished for it (except by interest rates). Why would you - especially you - be judged with exceptional severity?

I think you're being your own worst critic here. You have a plan for managing your debt, life, and job. It won't impact your job performance. So what is the terrible thing you have done here?

I'm just trying to rationalize through your fears because I do the exact same thing. Even when good things come my way, I feel this panic inside like the sh*t is just waiting to hit the fan and it will all be taken away... almost like someone is going to proclaim, "I knew it!" and declare me a big fraud.

And like me, it sounds like you have a hard time feeling confident when dealing with authority figures. I bet even if they're saying something you know is wrong, you bite your tongue too.

What I can tell you is this: You've earned your life. Yeah, things are tight right now. You've got some hospital debt which you're managing with the excellent coping skills you've demonstrated in your previous work while raising two daughters. You are accomplished - that is why you've landed a position in your chosen field of study. Your boss recognizes that - that's why she hired you. That's also why she's not coming down hard on you - like she has on other *****s still getting their act together. Believe me, she knows you're trying hard (hence her recognizing that you are stressed and offering the stress-reduction handout - it's to help you). She is not waiting to come down on you.

I'm really not trying to be condescending. It's just that I recognize the paranoia in your thoughts, and it's a self-sabotaging tool we unintentionally pick up from growing up in bad families and/or bad relationships. We're so used to things going horribly wrong, or having good times spoiled by tragedy, that it feels wrong for things to go right. It doesn't make much sense, but that's the way it is because of how we're been trained by previous life experiences.

Old tools (especially those self-sabotaging don't always work well for new jobs, Freedom. You've got a plan