winnie12

So last night my son finally called me - first time since his breakdown and refusal to go to the boys ranch.

He claims they are sending him to the boys ranch and not jail - that he talked with PO and her supervisior and they are sending a van next week to pick him up.

I tried to talk to him about that being a better choice than YDC - how this is a good thing bcause state YDC is tough - couldnt get through to him at all. Told him he'll get out of anywhere he goes if he just stays out of trouble and does what they say - didnt get through to him (dont know why i wasted my breath). He kept trying to blame his PO for him being there now so i explained that she was going to send him home July 14th if he stayed out of trouble but he got in that fight so he blew it.

What was his response "well if you knew that and didnt tell me then its YOUR fault that i didnt get out. I would have never hit that kid if you had told me i was getting out." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - EVERYONE told him if he stayed out of trouble he may get out. Yet somehow its My fault? It got heated I ended the conversation very shortly after the blame game started.

Okay - I know its not my fault - there is no doubt in my mind that its HIS fault. But you know its still hard to have to listen to it - even though i have the tools and know the truth - the only thing i could do is hangup becuase it does get to you listening to it.

What is making me so angry right now is that the state keeps changing their mind. I'm his mom and have absolutely no rights to know what is going on - it changes from week to week. We're hitting 90 days that he's been there and they have changed their mind at least 6 times on what they are going to do with my son. I really felt last night like i was loosing my mind - I can handle problems, I can deal with whatever consequences they give him but I cannot take this back and forth all the time. So i induldged myself in a total breakdown - crying, yelling, looking for something to hit (why didnt i buy that punching bag).

He got approved for medicaid (whohooo - i dont have to pay medical bills for a while) but when the nurse looked it up she said he is now listed as being in the foster system. so what does that mean? Only thing i can think is i really and truly have no parental rights anymore. The PO at one point said that she was only legally obligated to tell me "when" they move him to another facility. I'm calling the PO today - not to help him but because I need to know what's going on - i need some answers and cannot be kept in the dark anymore. Its starting to feel like they are torturing me along with him. I didnt do anything wrong and feel like i'm being punished first by him and now by the State. i'm sure they see lots of parents who dont care and who have enabled their kids but that's NOT me and i'm tired of it. If i cant get help from them i'm calling the county PO and see if they can find out something for me - they know me and all i've been through and i think they will help me get answers - all i want is answers.

Impurrfect

awww (((Winnie))) I'm sorry they keep dragging you through all this. I wish they would just make up their friggin minds and do something!! I totally see how you feel you are being punished, and for no reason.

I hope you get some answers. I would bug the heck out of them, especially since they know you and know what a good mom you are, until you get a satisfactory answer.

I'm sorry AS doesn't get it yet and he took it out on you. Knowing you're right doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt when you get blamed for it.

I'll be out and about all day, but have the cell phone with me if you want to talk (hint, hint). Sending up huge hugs and prayers that the "system" gets it's act together and gets AS placed SOON and he can get on with the act of accepting wherever it is that he is and moving forward.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

rayofsunshine

:ghug2
Sending hugs your way, Winnie. Hope you get the answers you need today.

MsPINKAcres

((Winnie))

how frustrating!! The system sure doesn't help parents that want to "work a program" of recovery and yet still have contact with their children - does it?

Sounds like they want you to just walk away and forget about them or simply take them off their hands -

Oh GOOD GRAVY!!!!

Praying you can find some answers today!!

HUGS,
Rita

JustAYak

Winnie
Glad he's going to the ranch. It'll be good for him, I bet.

laurie6781

Awwwww Winnie.

You are right they are 'jerking' both of you around. I think your idea of calling your county PO who does KNOW you, your son, and the WHOLE story, and asking that PO to please contact the other one, give that one the FULL story and ask that you be kept in the loop.

On the other hand, I think all this 'yes, no, maybe, now we will move him' etc down the line will have a 'positive' affect on your son. The longer he sits and waits, finding out after the fact that it is HIS actions that have caused his woes, it will sink in. He is a teenager .................................... teenager's never think it is their fault ....................... he is an addict ........................................... addict's never think it is their fault ............................. kid has a 'double whammy' on him right now.

You, on the other hand, have shown us all through all the on going crap and drama how a person CAN get through it. Working on you, kicking and screaming and venting when needed, but ALWAYS moving forward!

Thank you for being willing to share your strife and show me, once again, that we (I, you, all of us) can get through anything with hard work and diligence.

Prayers and good thoughts still ongoing from NM to GA.

Love and hugs,

Serenity Bound

Winnie, How frustrating it must feel to have them continue to change their minds, and to have AS play the blame game. It's bad enough to be on the addiction merry-go-round, but D@#$ to be on the state's m-g-r too! I'm praying that you get concrete answers today! Go to the top of the PO line and keep it up til they give you a solid answer.

Sending you lots of prayers & hugs.
Chris

winnie12

Finally got ahold of the PO - so what her supervisor decided was that since he "wanted to go to YDC" that she wasnt going to send him there. She doesnt want him to think he has won and can manipulate them. okay i get that. But they also arent going to send him to the ranch or treatment until he decides that he wants to go. So basically they are just going to leave him at the county YDC until he breaks and is compliant and does what they want and not what he wants. They'll either break him or keep him - i guess that's his choice.

I can understand all of this but still expressed my frustration (very nicely) to the PO about how this back and forth is so difficult. But again she said she wont tell me anythign until she gets a 100% go - like the van is there picking him up. so i guess i just have to continue on this path and try to learn some more about patience because it doesnt sound like its ending anytime soon.

Freedom1990

I completely understand your frustration over the system. I had 17 months of that crap while my youngest was a ward of the state, and still had to deal with them for a year after she was released back to me (home visits by a social worker).

I lost track of the meltdowns I had during that time. I had anger like you wouldn't believe. I finally got to the point I didn't even have the energy to get upset anymore, and I just kept digging into my own program of recovery. It was what it was, and no amount of upset ever changed that.

I know the system is horribly broken. Just try to remember he is where he is because of his actions.

Lots of hugs from one mom to another! :ghug2 :ghug2

outtolunch

I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for you.

I know all the trials and tribulations and poor choices he has made since he landed....but what did he initially do that put him into the system?

laurie6781

Actually, it sounds like a very good plan they are working on.

Maybe, now might be the time to go No Contact for a bit with son, so he can 'stew in his own juices' so to speak and give their plan a chance to work.

When he cannot 'try and manipulate' you with the blame game, he will either explode or finally start to 'talk to them' seriously. A slow form of 'intervention' but sometimes a very effective one.

I know how hard this is, I truly do. I wish that the dear old state of Wisconsin back then had done what you are getting now, and maybe, just maybe, the outcome for my
Bruce would have been different (yes, he's still alive).

Just know that my cyber support, love and hugs are with you.

Love and hugs,

cassandra2

Winnie you and your son are in my prayers. I really hope that this will end up being a "that was the BEST thing that could have happened to him" story......

winnie12

started with getting busted at school smoking dope in the parking lot, then skipping school to do acid in the woods - multiple times, finally started getting violent at home when he was under the influence and that did eventually turn into a domestic violence sentence - which was the first time he was actually arrested and not just given a court date. Since then its been one POV after another - just refusal to submit to the rules and the system. Od'ing, running from rehab, ending up in hospitals repeatedly - basically just doing whatever he wanted without any regard whatsoever for consequences or others.

laurie - i am going no-contact for a while - i gotta watch my sanity during this and i'm at my limit with this crap.

ItsmeAlice

I actually like the plan the PO had in mind. Part of all the jockeying back and forth could be everyone trying to decide what is best for him and pushing him to go where he can be helped, but in reality only he can help himself. No matter where they send him, he'll just manipulate the system or break from the system and that does noone any good. By keeping him where he is, they are forcing him to come to the damn conclusion himself that he needs help or this is all he is going to get for rest of his life....lockup.

Sounds like the state is taking a well needed break from his drama at the moment, I think you're right to take one to. The longer he has to sit alone and stew about his problem with nobody listening to his ********, maybe the more he'll actually be willing to fly right.

All my best,

Alice

outtolunch

In otherwords, chronic immaturity, acting impulsively without regard for the consequences. He's in a safe place. Going no contact, for awhile, will preserve your sanity. Sounds like a plan, to me.

Impurrfect

((Winnie)) - I'm glad you're going no-contact again, because I'm thinking their plan just may work.

I can see him getting really frustrated, to the point where he screams "what the hell do I have to do to get OUT of here?" and maybe by then he will actually understand that he has had the answer all along.

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

Thanks all - the last couple of days i really felt myself swirrling out of control. the funny thing is when i thought i was in control i used to run around and making a million phone calls, visiting, running in circles, etc - so in some ways it helped to keep my mind busy because i felt like i was doing something. When you accept that you cant do anything you're left with yourself and your own thoughts - that's actually really tough for me.

So I did some things i've been telling myself i wanted to do. Did some yoga/pilates (okay i quit 1/2 way through the hour long show cause it hurt lol), hooked up a surround sound system i'd had sitting in the garage for two years since i moved, reorganized my closet (kitty likes to poop in my shoes if i'm gone too long so i cleared out the shelves for them), cleaned my room including all the kitty/puppy furballs from under my bed.

Today i plan to do the same thing downstairs but mostly because my dear kitty brought a dead rabbit into the kitchen and i've got to sanitize the whole place - we're not sure how long he had it in the house - completely grossing me out thinking about it. Bad Kitty!!! So I cant control what's happening with my son or what my Kitty drags into my house, but i sure as heck can control some disinfectant and a mop. No exercise today - i'm sore

JMFburns

Wow Winnie, I can sure relate to the phone calls, scheduling appts., visiting here & there, etc. Running around in circles thinking I'm doing something . . . a whole lot of nothing that isn't for me anyway!

And then to be left w/just myself, minding my own business, not sticking my nose into my son's business . . . I don't really know what to do w/myself. I certainly don't know yet how I feel, what I like, what I want, etc. but I'm trying to spend a bit more time figuring that out. Reading about things that will help me in my recovery rather than searching for info about "fixing" my son.

Keep up your good work and give the kitty a pet from me - they're so funny.

NeedingHelp7

Winnie, Praying HP intervenes for your boy.

Have a blessed day!!!

laurie6781

Awwwww Kitty brought you a PRESENT!

Kitties are known to do that to those they adore. roflmao

Bleach kills everyhing!

I am glad you are doing for you (even if it is cleaning up after kitty). Time Winnie did for Winnie. Son is safe, he can't get into serious trouble where he is now, and I am grateful our Winnie is going to take time for Winnie.

You go girl!!!!

Love and hugs,